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Top 10 Things We Want to See In a Veronica Mars Movie

veronica_marsmovie.jpgAfter Veronica Mars was prematurely cancelled back in 2007, the beloved mid-aughts Nancy Drew-esque series starring Kristen Bell is becoming a movie -- and making Kickstarter history. Last week creator Rob Thomas made a Kickstarter to help fund the film -- with the mission of raising $2 million in thirty days -- and, astonishingly, saw his goal met in only eleven hours (and, as of today, the project has already received $3.6 million in donations). With money in the bank, the film will begin shooting this summer with a limited theatrical release set for early 2014.

Now that six years have passed since we last watched Mars solving mysteries ranging from who killed her best friend to who took her virginity after she was raped at a house party -- all the while balancing her detective escapades with life as a high school and college student -- my head is spinning with all of the future storyline possibilities. The show's final season left off with Mars landing the chance to become a part of an exclusive FBI summer program and we're wondering if the movie will pick up with Mars going back to college after her summer stint or instead becoming a full-fledged FBI agent. For that matter, is Kristen Bell too old to play a college sophomore? And what will happen to Veronica and Piz's relationship? Though I don't know the answers to any of these questions yet, here are the Top 10 things I most hope will make it into the movie.

veronica mars1.gif1. More of those touching high school flashbacks. I love how they add layers to the storyline and further explain Veronica's complex personality.

veronica mars2.gif2. More of Veronica's snarky sarcasm.

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 12.24.10 PM.png3. Keith Mars as a free man. I really hope they don't put Veronica's dad in jail after he tampered with evidence in season three to save his daughter from getting arrested. That poor decision already cost him the chance to be reinstated as sheriff of Neptune and it'd be a real drag for him to spend the whole movie behind bars.   

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 12.25.10 PM.png4. More Duncan. Having Duncan -- Mars' high school sweetheart and ex -- make another entrance into Veronica's life would be so juicy! I mean, he has a child and is completely screwed up but considering that he left her a fortune cookie inscribed with the words, "True love stories never have endings" proves there is some unfinished business there. I want answers.    

veronica mars5.gif5. More plot twists! During the series, we learned that Beaver, Neptune High's pyrotechnic nerd, was the one who blew up the school bus in season two and took Veronica's virginity. And infected her with syphilis. If that's not high drama, I don't know what is.

veronica mars 6.gif 6. More adventures shared between my favorite duo, Veronica and Wallace.

veronica mars 11.gif7. A high school reunion. Creator Rob Thomas alluded on the Kickstarter page that the movie could pick up around the time of Veronica's 10-year high school reunion, which could be pretty amazing if it's anything like the GIF above.

veronica mars 8.gif8. The re-kindling of Logan and Veronica's love affair. I mean, who doesn't like a bad guy and Piz wasn't really doing it for me. How cute is this GIF?

veronica mars 9.gif 9. A rival. I want to see Veronica meet her match in the form of a sassy, female counterpart. Catfight!

10. Plot points incorporated from this unaired season four trailer. If Veronica does, in fact, end up as a full-time FBI agent, I only want to see thrilling chase scenes and raunchy undercover sting operations like what was shown in this clip from the fourth season that never was.

Check out the video for the kickstarter below and donate, donate, donate!

Season 1 and 2 are available for your viewing pleasures here.

Jason Vincent Appreciates the Clean Vibes at Cozy Corner

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 12.42.11 PM.pngEach week in our new Off Duty series, we'll talk to some of our favorite chefs and industry folk around the country to find out their secret late-night spots where they like to grab a bite and a pint when their kitchens are finally closed. Next up: Jason Vincent, executive chef of Chicago's Nightwood Restaurant and the reigning "King of Porc."

Where do you like to eat when you leave your restaurant?

I like the little greasy spoon places that are not disgusting. You know what I mean? They're efficient and nice and you can tell that they're clean but they're definitely [making] canned corned beef hash. I have a two year old and we often stop at this place called The Cozy Corner right by my house. All your silverwear settings there are covered with double napkins -- it's like napkin, spoon, fork, knife and then another napkin on top because that's their perception of cleanliness. It's like the extra step of sanitation. I dunno, it's charming. They keep your coffee full, they do the little things right. They don't freak out. You can walk in and see the kitchen immediately. Their eggs are room temperature. And they can cook. You order your eggs over-medium and they come over-medium.

How long have you been going there?

Oh my god, since I moved to Chicago nine years ago. It's right around the corner from my house.

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 12.54.34 PM.pngWhat's your favorite thing to order there?

The corned beef hash. Every single time. It's exactly what you want. It's probably right out of a can and they put it on the griddle and let one side get super crispy. They flip it over and they put it on your plate and that's it.

Any other standouts?

My daughter loves the pancakes.

Cozy Corner, 2294 N. Milwaukee Ave.; Mon-Sat, 5am-6pm; Sun, 6am-4pm

Yoko Ono Has Some Crazy Makeup Tips for Men


First, Yoko Ono made a line of absolutely cuckoo menswear -- featuring butt cut-outs, man bras and literal "crotch grabbing" pants -- for Opening Ceremony. And now she's back with OC to give gents helpful (but equally cuckoo) hints on wearing makeup -- which Ono thinks is mostly in the attitude. Obviously it's all very Ono-ish, embracing rainbows for daytime, glitter for evening and "one-night stands" for dawn. Watch, laugh, and agree with everything she says (seriously, she's 110% right) above.

Meet the New Crop of Hipster Pornstars

James Deen has been getting a lot of press for being a pornstar who's a little indie, aware of the Internets and equally aware of himself. In fact, some outlets outright call him a "hipster pornstar." While we have the utmost respect for Deen -- seriously,  he writes pretty well and seems like a lot of fun -- we've gotta interject on the behalf of the pornstars out there who look less out of place in Williamsburg than we do. Though we'd rank Jenna Jameson and Traci Lords -- both former PAPER cover stars -- as the OG hipster porn stars (despite Jameson now being a staunch Romney supporter) -- here's the newer pack of cool adult stars we'd classify as hipsters, plain and simple.

P.S. We were disappointed to not find any hipster porn stars of color when compiling this story. Who are we missing? Are there more Brooklyn-bound blogger-artist-adult stars we failed to mention? Tell us in the comments!

Dale-Cooper-on-Sozos-Blog.com-72345687.jpgDale Cooper
Hispter Rating: 9.5/10
Qualifications: First of all, the name: Dale Cooper lifted his porn star moniker from Twin Peaks, the David Lynch show all of your indie friends have all watched multiple times and will tell you is the best. Dale also writes for the Huffington Post about issues of sexuality, got the inspiration for his tattoos from an obscure video game, and really does look like a buffer, preternaturally handsome version of the mustachioed guys you see walking around the East Village. Yup, he's a hipster. Also: swoon.

tumblr_mijhc9Ige71qj8bffo1_500.jpgApril O'Neil
Hispter Rating: 8/10
Qualifications: When you look at April's filmography, you can tell that girl loves an XXX remake of nerdy hispter-approved TV. She's done Saved by the Bell, The X-Files, Star Trek, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She's also everywhere on the music festival circuit -- she goes to Coachella, Electric Daisy, HARDFEST, you name it. Her Tumblr (called "hey, it's april.") is basically an Instagram homage to her signature black glasses and what she's wearing at concerts. That is to say: she's probably our dream candidate to be featured the 2013 Coachella Cuties gallery.

tumblr_lzz2f9siIc1qa42jro1_1280.jpgSasha Grey
Hispter Rating: 10/10
Qualifications: The original hip, crossover (now ex-) porn star. She's modeled for American Apparel and been photographed by Terry Richardson, which is everything an aspiring downtown model can dream of. She's ironic enough to play a semi-fictionalized version of herself in Entourage, has been featured in the artwork for a Smashing Pumpkins album, wrote a travel diary for PAPER, and -- this is the real coup -- started an industrial music project called aTellecine. In sum: she wins.

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 11.09.25 AM.pngKennedy Carter
Hipster Rating: 6/10
Qualifications: Kennedy Carter is a mainstay at most of the obscure (or not-so-obscure) gay parties in NYC -- peruse his blog and you'll see a roster of nightlife events that's creepily similar to our Nightlife Awards nominees. He's been a key actor in the alt-drag Room Service Sex Tape series, is a friend of Frankie Sharpe's, and his Tubmlr even has tiles like our site! Yup, he's a hipster. 

Screen shot 2013-02-21 at 12.44.51 AM.pngAndy San Dimas
Hispter Rating: 8/10
Qualifications: Andy San Dimas definitely has the grungy, Mission District hipster vibe down. She's regularly on Vice and seems like a cool chick you could hang out with. On her Twitter, she brags: "I AM THE JOAQUIN PHOENIX OF PORN" and Tweets about how '90s Nickelodeon kid's shows informed her style. And, of course, she's a Bill and Ted's fan.

tumblr_mcf39xY0yM1ql34cpo1_1280.jpgKimberly Kane
Hispter Rating: 7/10
Qualifications: Kimberly Kane is a pornstar-turned-director with feminist leanings. Her Tumblr also catalogs her various accomplishments, which include Vice spreads and videos and major shoots in multiple Taschen books of erotic photography (one of which is pictured above).

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 11.36.09 AM.pngMax Ryder
Hipster Rating: 8/10
Qualifications: An addition to his career as a gay pornstar, Max Ryder has become somewhat of a model and a fixture at parties around New York. He's a model for Deryck Todd, the haberdasher inspired by the downtown fashion and party scene. He's also on the odd streetstyle blog and likes to wax poetic about the nightlife scenes. Hm, he sounds like he should consult for PAPER.

12_schnibbe_jpg.jpgVena Virago
Hispter Rating:
Qualifications: The director of indie skin flicks like Nietzsche Bangers, Virago has built a successful career out of her art installations and exhibits which explore pornography's affects on the psyche. She's that older, wiser adult hipster who was a staple in the neighborhood before you even thought of moving there.

COLBY-16.JPGColby Keller
Hispter Rating: 6.5/10
Qualifications: Colby Keller has it all: the hipster glasses, the beard, and a blog which shows off his liking for GIFs, art and silly things. He also has a podcast and was once featured on Piefolk, an indie gay blog by comedy writer Michael Martin. We'd definitely invite him to grab some beers with Andy San Dimas and shoot the shit.

Beyoncé Tells Her Competition to Bow Down

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 2.11.10 PM.pngWhile you were busy watching NCAA basketball or the Girls season finale over the weekend, Beyoncé unleashed "Bow Down/I Been On," a new track in advance of her upcoming "Mrs. Carter Show" world tour and similarly-named forthcoming album. Produced by Hit-Boy -- the mind behind Jay-Z and Kanye's "Ni**as in Paris" -- the song brings Beyoncé back to her Houston roots with some high- pitched, chopped and screwed trap-rap. The singer's flow is reminiscent of fellow H-Town native Slim Thug and is hardcore, unapologetic and -- as the title suggests -- egotistical.

As for the lyrics, they sound like a personalized pink slip to every other female artist in the music industry. And, although Beyoncé's fierceness is undeniable -- especially after that Super Bowl half-time show -- something doesn't quite vibe well with all of that. Isn't telling other females to bow down a little counterproductive to that whole "Run the world (Girls)" mantra she was singing about two years ago? And isn't there something a little off about a singer who previously empowered women to make their significant other put a ring on it and be proud of their bootylicious-ness now chanting "This is my shit / bow down bitches" and "I heard your boo was talking lip / I told my crew to smack that trick"? 

On second thought...isn't Beyoncé just saying what we've all been thinking? Long live the queen!
Listen to "Bow Down/I Been On" below and tell us what you think in the comments

Watch the promo for Beyonce's upcoming tour below.

"Shop the G.G. Allin Collection..."


Fans of legendary confrontational performer G.G. (né Jesus Christ) Allin will be interested in two new t-shirts Altamont Apparel is producing on the twentieth anniversary of Allin's death. Allin's brother Merle provided the skate-clothing company with the images a photo of Mr. Allin at the crypt of Marilyn Monroe as well as a drawing Allin made while incarcerated for felonious assault on a groupie (according to Allin's psychological evaluation, he claimed that "the woman was a willing participant in having sex with all members of the band, being handcuffed to a bed and allowing Mr. Allin to superficially cut her breasts with the jagged edge of a beer can"), depicting his own gravestone, an upside-down cross and the motto "live fast die." The famously death-obsessed Allin regularly threatened suicide onstage before dying from an accidental overdose. His actual gravestone was removed from the Glenwood Cemetery in Littleton, New Hampshire after the priest got fed up with fans' shitting on it in emulation of their coprophile hero. Check out the shirts below.



Dope Body Flexes a "Leather Head"


Noisy Baltimore quartet Dope Body just released this video for new single "Leather Head." A hectic, funky 12/8 drumbeat brightens up a sludgy bass ostinato like squeezing lemon on a piece of meat. Vocalist Andrew Laumann's declamations function more as percussion than as melody, mixed low enough to obscure lyrics beyond the refrain "Could've been anybody." Black-and-white performance footage is intercut with close-ups of the bandmembers' heads, digitally stretched and warped as if about to burst. (via Spin)

We Are So Excited for Chris O'Dowd's New Show


1.  HBO's new show looks Family Tree looks so, so good. Chris O'Dowd plays the main character, a listless guy who loses his job and his girlfriend and then goes in search of his family history. It's also written by Christopher Guest. We're sold. [via Film Thrasher]

Artforum_(magazine)_April_1996_cover.jpg2.  Artforum is now completely online, y'all. Starting with the March issue, the entire content of each magazine will now be posted on Artforum's site. Welcome to the 21st century. [via GalleristNY]

15797910.jpg3.  For the first time ever, Vladimir Nabokov's play The Tragedy of Mister Morn has been translated into English. Apparently it's structured like a Shakespearean tragedy bares a resemblance to Pale Fire, and is available here starting tomorrow. [via NPR]

dorsey.jpg4.  Jack Dorsey, founder of Twitter and Square, officially wants to run for the Mayor of New York City. [via Daily Intel; image via Vanity Fair]

screen-capture.jpg5.  Bloomberg wants to physically hide cigarettes in NYC stores. He's introducing a new bill on Wednesday which will require that cigarettes be out in drawers or behind curtains -- not to deter adults, but so that kids will be less exposed to them. [via Daily Intel]

6.  Here's the full version of Jay-Z's remix of "Bitch Don't Kill My Vibe."

The-Simpsons-Season-22-Episode-11-Flaming-Moe.jpg7.  The Simpsons won Vulture's "SitCom Smackdown," where they rank the the top comedy of the past 30 years by pitting comedies against each other. We gotta admit, we're not surprised.

A Game of Thrones/Princess Bride Mash-Up


This Game of Thrones/Princess Bride mash-up is perfect. [via Vulture]

Screen shot 2013-03-18 at 10.21.00 AM.pngHere's a "taxonomy of lips" from 1948. We wish we were "Perfect Imprint" but we're probably really Hamburger Lips. [via Explore]

enhanced-buzz-11351-1363632141-3.jpgLittle known fact: one time when Christina Applegate was sick, Mark-Paul Gossselaar had to fill in for her and play Kelly Bundy. [via Buzzfeed]

tumblr_mj7k2g7INu1qzvxwgo1_400.giftumblr_mj7k2g7INu1qzvxwgo2_500.jpgtumblr_mj7k2g7INu1qzvxwgo3_400.gifThis is what happened when a box of chicken McNuggets turned up to participate in artist Marina Abramovic's performance piece "The Artist Is Present" at the MoMA. [via Fuck Yea Dementia]

tumblr_mjo29vuli01s2ixvso1_500.jpgNic, what you doing on there? [via Coin Farts]

Behold, a mid-80s Levis 501 jeans commercial starring a young Stanley Tucci. He was hot, no? [via Laughter Key]

tumblr_mjnm457iZK1r6jx5yo1_500.jpgTouché. [via Afternoon Snooze Button]

Watch this tenacious little dog attempt to climb up a slide. Ten points for his perseverance and ten points for the person holding the camera -- the giggling and the shaky cam really add to the whole viewing experience. [via Tastefully Offensive]

tumblr_mjon8uXuag1rfq4gvo1_400.gifEver since Abe got into SnapChat, he's been messaging me these selfies nonstop. [via Rats Off]

tumblr_mjl46jCWVi1qzi80do1_500.jpgAnd...here's a gratuitous photo of JoGoLev pumping iron. Happy Tuesday. [via Mr. Golightly]

Jamaican Queens Perform in Our Kitchen


Self-proclaimed "Detroit trap pop" group Jamaican Queens formed last year, though the band's two principals, singer Ryan Spencer and producer Adam Pressley, had previously performed together in the band Prussia. Earlier this year, they stopped by the PAPER offices (along with drummer Ryan Clancy and singer Abby Fincus) to chat with us and play a couple songs from their debut album, Wormfood, released last week. In accordance with the space's limitations, Clancy (who usually plays a full drumkit) tapped out his beats on an iPhone plugged into a small practice amp.

Have you ever performed like this before?

Ryan Spencer: No, not this band. Our old band did it a couple of times. We did one in Boston called Sleepover Shows. And then we did some in Chicago. There was never anybody watching. It was just like a camera guy and maybe one or two other people.

So you just learned those songs on your phone?

Ryan Clancy: Yeah.

Adam Pressley: Yeah we got it all together just like an hour ago.

At least you had the amp.

RC: We knew we were doing this, so we brought that. We'd probably need that.

You said you live in Brooklyn?

Abby Fincus: Yeah, I moved to Brooklyn five months ago. In Detroit we used to do this thing where if I showed up to their show and they were about to play I'd be like, "Yeah I'll come play." I sing just this one song. I sing like three or four on the record. I'm the cover girl. I've done some other covers. I drew the weird t-shirt. Making the app. I'm more behind the scenes.

Do you usually write the songs as songs and then add the production afterwards?

AP: It can go either way. Sometimes the production happens first, sometimes the songs happen first.

RS: When I write, I always write a song and then show it to Adam. And then Adam builds on it and if he makes a production he'll show it to me and I'll write on top of that.

AP: A lot of these songs started out as me making rap beats for rappers that I didn't know. Hoping that a rapper would rap over my beats. And then I showed it to him. He doesn't know how to rap though. His rap tracks sucked.

Have you ever had people rap over your beats?

AP: Yeah, I actually collaborated with a guy named Self Says. Not with Jamaican Queens, but just me and that guy. We never had a rapper.

RS: That song is sick.

Who would be the ideal person to rap on your beats?

AF: Danny Brown, right?

AP: Probably around then like Clipse.

Danny Brown's also from Detroit.

AP: I did try to get Danny Brown to rap over one of my beats. I actually met him when our old band opened for him. Talked to him, he gave me his phone number and said, "Hit me up! We'll get together." And then I just like texted him when I should have called him.

RS: I got Derrick May's phone number. He started Detroit techno music. He's like the guy who started house music pretty much. But he was wasted and I was waiting on him and I was like, "You should give me your number or something and I'll try to do a new mix with one of your songs!" He was drunk, so he gave it to me and I just prank phone-call him and text-message him weird things all the time like when I get drunk.

Do you still wait tables?

RS: We tour a lot now, but when I go home I wait at a tiny café in Detroit. We have seven tables. I make zero dollars an hour. I just get paid whatever tips we make. My rent's $200. So if I can work two or three shifts I can usually pay rent.

Do you choose the music there?

RS: Yeah, certainly. I'm the DJ. That's why I do the job, just to practice my DJ skills. On this like iPod dock.

When you started the band, was it just you two?

RS: We were gonna have this kid join the band but we had this internal struggle because we hated him so much but he's such a good musician. Someone we have to spend all our time with, but we can sacrifice it for the art. And then Ryan moved back from China and we abandoned the idea.

How long have you all known each other?

AP: Two or three years.

RS: We were all kind of acquaintances because Ryan was in a ton of different Detroit bands and our other bands would play together and stuff. So we'd known each other for a few years but it's like, we'd been good friends for two, three years or something.

AP: I moved to Detroit to join Prussia, which Ryan and I were both in. And then that broke up. But before that Prussia and my old band were on tour in like 2007.

AF: Ryan was trying to hook up with my friend. I'm 21 now, he was trying to hook up with my friend when I was 18 and she would make me go on dates with them. And then Ryan thought I was dumb.

RS: That was like the most awkward two-week long relationship of my life.

You call yourselves Detroit trap music.

RS: Trap pop. Because it's like trap beats but with pop music. We say that. We kinda say whatever people are saying. I think I told someone the other day another made-up term, and he was like, "Oh, that's good, that totally fits."

AP: Some people say we're like synth-pop, which I don't totally see. But we have synths and we write pop songs. Sometimes I just tell people we're an indie band. That's like such a wide thing that a lot of people grasp.

RS: It's like experimental pop music. Or like abrasive pop music.

What effect do you think being in Detroit has on your sound?

RS: Everybody always asks that in interviews. I think that our old band for sure, we were just trying to be like a Motown band. That's why we started writing songs to like rip off the Motown sound. But now it's like I'm influenced by Detroit just because I've lived in that city. I'm influenced by tons of different music from all over the world but the city in general influences the way I write because everything that happens to me happens there. And that's why I write about stuff that's going on in my life.

What music have you been listening to in the van?

RS: Today I was listening to that new Burial EP that came out like a week or so ago.

AP: Clancy and I were listening to a lot of Action Bronson on our drive.

RC: Marc Maron podcasts. We did the Louis CK one, the Andrew WK one. CK, WK. Mike Doughty from Soul Coughing. Do you listen to the Marc Maron podcasts?

Yeah, I just listened to the one with Michael Keaton.

AP: I couldn't get through that one. Did you like that one?

Yeah, they don't really say much, but I like Michael Keaton's presence.

RS: Have you ever listened to the Things You Should Know podcast? Is that what that one's called?

AP: How Stuff Works.

RS: They'll like pick out a pretty broad topic and just explain everything about it. Like "clouds." Afterwards you know tons about clouds. Or like "organized crime." A good way if you're driving for six hours to pass the time. I like almost only listen to intense rap music though. Or the Smiths.

Are you ever uncomfortable taking the "trap" label, which refers to a specific kind of crime?

RS: Yeah, I mean, it's kind of just to be provocative. That's why it's interesting and not a lot of people know about it, so it's like, fuck it, what's the worst that could happen.

AP: It's actually been good, like that one time in Knoxville that kid just googled "trap knoxville" and that's how he found the show and ended up coming out and enjoying it.

RS: He like bought a CD and bought us drinks and stuff. So so far it's gotten us free drinks and five bucks.

Where the Characters on Girls Will Be in 10 Years

Girls' second season is over and god only knows how long we'll have to wait until we can watch Lena Dunham be both the worst and the best again while sitting in a bathtub. When season three returns we'll likely pick up right where we left off, but, in the meantime, we're keeping ourselves entertained by envisioning where these completely aggravating, self-obsessed (but god dammit, ultimately lovable) knuckleheads will be in their lives a little further down the line. Say, when they're 34 instead of 24. Below, our predictions.

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 1.18.33 PM.pngMarnie and Charlie

Where we left them: After Marnie bizarrely tells Charlie she wants to "have his brown babies" (so...she's into adoption?), he confesses his eternal love for her outside of Roberta's. Because of course they'd be outside of Roberta's.

Where they'll be in ten years: Let's face it, these two will probably get married in Montauk when they're 28 or something and serve as a marital case study for the rest of the group, who will likely remain single into their thirties. For the first four years of their marriage, Marnie and Charlie will be fairly solid: thanks to continued success with his app, Charlie will remain devastatingly attractive and confident and will give Marnie the boost she needs to pursue her singing career. This only lasts for so long, however, because as soon as they start having kids, the stress of being new parents will make Charlie regress back into his "sad sack" pushover persona we haven't seen since season one. Eventually he'll sell his app company, decide to work from home and be a stay-at-home dad. Marnie will also have given up her singing career by then (which never got beyond an EP and a show or two at Mercury Lounge opening for a 19-year-old singer/songwriter discovered on YouTube) and return to the art world as an assistant curator who wears lots of Michael Kors. More and more unhappy in their marriage -- but refusing to leave it -- they'll both look longingly at sexy singles across the aisle at the Cobble Hill Trader Joe's and wonder what life would be like if Marnie hadn't sang that acapella rendition of Kanye's "Stronger" lo those years ago. 

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 1.17.50 PM.pngHannah and Adam

Where we left them: Despite having her most career success yet with an e-book deal, the anxiety of 'Life' prompts Hannah to aggressively relapse into her OCD. Adam, meanwhile, has been dating an incredibly normal girl named Natalia who, contrary to expectations, doesn't dump him after an excruciatingly uncomfortable sexual encounter during season two's penultimate episode. While in a particularly bad tailspin, Hannah Face Times Adam who, after sensing her distress, runs -- literally -- to her rescue while urgent acoustic guitar music plays in the background (man, we hated that scene!). The season ends with a tender shot of him in Hannah's bedroom picking her up in his arms. 

Where they'll be in ten years: After a year's worth of continuing their self-destructive, casual sex relationship, they'll gradually grow out of each other and realize there's no future in what they're doing. Hannah's career will happen in fits and starts; after getting laid off from an upstart blog, she'll get hired to edit the "It Happened to Me" column on xoJane.com. While there, she'll revamp the column's editorial strategy, getting rid of the freelance submissions and turning "It Happened to Me" into "It Happened to Hannah Horvath." (Sample: "I Fucked a Guy While I Went Through My Twitter Feed On Google Glass.") She'll eventually publish a collection of her essays, blow her advance and profits on getting her very own one-bedroom rental in Greenpoint, as well as some clothes that fit her from some of those fancy stores on Franklin, and spend most of her days online doing research for another book whose angle is to be determined. Maybe she'll open a restaurant.

Adam, meanwhile, gets sober again and has a late-twentysomething epiphany that he wants to go to architecture school. After getting accepted into a program at University of Texas, he'll leave Brooklyn for Austin and meet a single mom, eight years his senior, who is into his BDSM shit and keeps him in line at the same time. Adam will surprise himself by how well he fits into a father figure role.

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 1.19.18 PM.pngShoshanna and Ray

Where we left them: Despite Ray's attempt to prove to Shoshanna he has ambitions by running an outpost of Cafe Grumpy in Brooklyn Heights, she breaks up with him.

Where they'll be in ten years: After the success of Cafe Grumpy in Brooklyn Heights, Ray will open several more -- two in Bushwick, now home to throngs of Wall Street types who have gotten priced out of Williamsburg, and two in Maspeth. Shoshanna, meanwhile, will be a fashion PR executive at KCD and will not have seen nor spoken to Ray in ten years. Her biggest fashion client will be repping Frank Staples, a label described as being "confounding and attractive at once," created by Jessa's pseudo-step brother (and Hannah's one time boning partner), Frank. She'll be married to a Goldman Sachs risk analyst and living in a pied-à-terre next to the Domino sugar factory.

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 1.20.33 PM.pngJessa

Where we left her: After a depressing visit to see her father, Jessa runs off and season two ends with zero information as to her whereabouts.

Where she'll be in ten years: She'll return to the States after an extended stay in an ashram in Chennai, India, which prompts her to open her own yoga studio. After briefly considering opening the studio in Ridgewood, she decides that she's sick of New York once and for all and moves to L.A., opening her studio in Echo Park. To everyone's surprise, her studio become wildly successful and she opens several more outposts throughout the Los Angeles area. After a short-term fling with one of the yoga instructors, she becomes pregnant and decides to keep the baby and raise the child as a single mom.

Kid Congo Honors William Burroughs with a Slinky Blues


Describing the Gun Club's 1981 Fire of Love, Jack White once asked, "Why are these songs not taught in schools?" More recently, Japandroids paid tribute by placing a cover of that album's retrobilly slammer "For the Love of Ivy" on last year's Celebration Rock. In the thirty-odd years since Fire of Love, songwriter Kid Congo Powers has kept busy playing guitar with the Cramps, Nick Cave, Mark Eitzel, and others as well as performing with his own band, the Pink Monkey Birds. Congo's heavily-vibratoed guitar dominates the slow-burning new 7" single "Conjure Man," whose video finds Congo and friends in a dark, smokey room around a rotating lampshade. The so-called "dreamachine" was designed by Genesis P-Orridge in apparent homage to William S. Burroughs, a photo of whom appears in the video's opening shots.

Jake Shears' Awesome GLAAD Awards Performance


Saturday night at the GLAAD Media Awards a parade of stars and supporters that included Milla Jovovich, John Leguizamo, and Bernadette Peters honored the year's most influential and positive portrayals of LGBT people and issues. Even the queen bee of gay icons, Madonna, was in attendance, presenting a newly out Anderson Cooper with the prestigious Vito Russo Award while wearing a boy scout uniform accessorized with her signature leather motorcycle gloves and a pair of leather combat boots. Her look, she said, was inspired by the controversial policy the Boy Scouts of America has in regards to banning gay scout leaders. Madonna aside, one of the evening's major highlights was an awesome cover of College's "A Real Hero" by Scissor Scissors' frontman Jake Shears. The song, which was featured prominently in 2011's Drive, featured an added verse written by Shears and dedicated to the silver fox himself. Check out the performance above.

Here's Tina Fey In the Upcoming Muppets Movie

53534L.jpg1. Here's a first look at Tina Fey playing some sort of European prison guard in The Muppets...Again! movie. [via Film Thrasher]

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 4.06.08 PM.png2. The FBI announced that they have solved the mystery of who stole $500 million worth of artwork from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston back in 1990. [via Boston.com]

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 4.55.14 PM.png3. Here's a peek at Opening Ceremony's Spring Breakers' capsule collection designed by the movie's costume designer Heidi Bivens (who also styled Vanessa Hudgens for our current issue and was Paper's first Market Editor). The collection hits stores and online this Friday. [via The Cut]

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 4.16.26 PM.png4. Justin Timberlake's The 20/20 Experience got an 8.4 on Pitchfork...in case you were wondering. [via Pitchfork]

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 5.01.40 PM.png5. Heads up: a mini velodrome (that'd be an indoor cycling race course) is headed for Bushwick. It'll temporarily pop up inside the the Bushwick Church (626 Bushwick Ave.) over the weekend, courtesy of Red Bull. [via Gothamist]

Screen shot 2013-03-20 at 10.08.34 AM.png6. Mark Ronson will be DJing a free party this Thursday at The DL (95 Delancey St.) on the LES. Deets HERE.

Morning Funnies: If '90s Heartthrobs Were Food

90sdudecrushes.pngThe Hairpin's guide to if  '90s dude-crushes were food is magic. Of course Ian Ziering is yellow Gatorade and a peanut butter Power Bar! Why didn't we ever see that?

Three observations about this video:
1) It features a cat named Sparky sliding down a basketball ball pole like a tiny firefighter.
2) It features a small child named Ron.
3) It's narrated by Cooter from Dukes of Hazzard. [TastefullyOffensive]

PCZQ.gifEthel knows what's up. [Mlkshk]

rennerbowl.png Jeremy Renner wins the gold medal for worst childhood bowl hair cut of all time. We notice something new about it every time we look at it. [LaughterKey

tumblr_mjxlqbNYta1qewacoo1_500.jpgThe kids are all right. [TastefullyOffensive]

tumblr_mjx1zqv6jr1qz4cuyo1_1280.jpgAhhhhhhh! [LaughingSquid]

iT47YTNjn9yEN.gifNew Orleans Hornets player Robin Lopez is our new favorite basketball player. This is exactly the face we'd make if we found ourselves teleported into an NBA game. Except he's a professional. [Reddit]
If famous websites were people. WebMD is spot-on. We've self diagnosed ourselves with cancer so many times. [AfterElton]

This black metal Yankee Candle by artist Kyle M.F. Williams = genius.

tumblr_mgsj86x4qz1rnfgvdo1_500.png Your kind shall triumph! [Pizzzatime]

PD0D.gifCrank it. [Mlkshk]

TV Mania Debuts "Euphoria"


One of the bigger highlights in the history of Paper magazine issue release parties has to be the time that Duran Duran, who graced our May 2011 cover, performed at Good Units. Seriously, grown adults were crying and screaming and it was insane. We're pretty excited, therefore, to get to debut this video for "Euphoria," off the re-issued limited "Euphoria edition" of Bored with Prozac and the Internet?, from Nick Rhodes' much-loved mid-'90s side project with Warren Cuccurullo, TV Mania. Available now on iTunes, the Euphoria edition albums are hand-signed by Nick and Warren and include a photo print from the video directors Jean Renard and Dutch Rall as well as other goodies. As for this trippy, sexy video? We'll take the advice Cuccurullo gave us: "Please remember to refrain from operating heavy machinery after viewing. Enjoy!"

Directed and Photographed by Dutch Rall and Jean Renard
Styling and Wardrobe by Miss Mosh
Lighting Director: Jean Renard
Additional Photography by Nick Rhodes
Edited by Dutch Rall

A Norwegian Musician Tells Us About Oslo's Music and Nightlife


Marte no sleep til 2.jpgEach week in our new column, "No Sleep Til...," we'll be talking to cool kids around the globe, asking them to fill us in about the bands, DJs, music venues and night spots they and their friends are obsessing over. Next time you visit their home city, leave your Fodor's and Lonely Planet guides behind and go party like a local instead.


Marte Eberson



Where do you live?


What do you do there?

I'm a musician in the band Highasakite.

What Norwegian bands or DJs native are you obsessed with that we should know about?

Truls. I discovered him at a festival in Oslo called by:larm. His music is a mix of electronic and R&B. His voice kind of reminds me of Antony and the Johnsons -- it's soft and high like a falsetto. It's very feminine. There aren't many Norwegians artists making this kind of music.  I think his music is like fresh air in a polluted place. His best song is "Out of Yourself."

What is the music community like for you guys in Oslo?

I think its great! Even though Norway is a small country, there are lots of music festivals and venues/clubs everywhere, so there are many places to play. I think people in Norway are also  open-minded and up for all kinds of music so it's possible to play music that is quite alternative as well as popular music.

Where are the cool places to see live music in Oslo?

Rockefeller, Blå and Mono. These places are always booking great bands and the soundsystem is high-quality in all three places. They're also all old venues with history -- for example, my dad played a lot at both Rockefeller and BLÅ. Our band Highasakite has played at all three venues.

And what about your favorite bars or nightclubs? What are the cool neighborhoods in Oslo to hang out?

My favorite bar/nightclub is probably Aku Aku Tiki Bar or Dattera til Hagen. Aku Aku is a small tikibar and it always has a busy atmosphere and gets pretty crowded. They have tropical décor, and it is often hot inside -- probably because of its small size and the crowd of people -- so you really get the feeling you're in some tropical place! The drinks are lovely. It's also a mix of  people: students, actors, musicians and business types. Dattera til Hagen (Mr. Hagen's daughter) is a bigger place with two floors. On the first floor there is a cafe/restaurant during the day and in the evening, they move the tables so people can dance and there's often a DJ. On the second floor is a small stage and there are occasional jam [sessions] or concerts. [It attracts] a lot of students and also musicians.

My favorite areas/neighborhoods are Grunerløkka, Grønland and Youngstorget. In those areas you can meet all kinds of people.

Describe your perfect night out in Oslo.

On the weekends I like to go out to concerts or hang out with my friends. My perfect night out will start with a dinner with my friends, eating good food and drinking fine wine. We don't meet up so much, since I'm out playing concerts during so many weekends so when we first meet, its great to catch up and talk in a more quiet place, like the tapas-restaurant Olivia. After good food and wine, [I like getting] drinks at Aku Aku. It's great to pretend that you are in a warmer country then Norway sometimes. After drinks, I'll continue the night at Blå where I can dance or enjoy a concert. I often wear dresses when I go out, but sometimes, in the winter, its so cold that I have to wear a lot of clothes.

What's a bar or nightclub you would NEVER go to in Oslo?

I dont know if there are any bars I never would go to, but I am never at the Hard Rock Cafe -- probably because the drinks are very expensive and the atmosphere is quite strange.

Check out Marte's band recs:

Truls -- "Out Of Yourself"

Check out Marte's nightlife listings:

, Torggata 16, 0181 Oslo

Brenneriveien 9, 0182 Oslo

, Pløens gate 4, 0181 Oslo

Aku Aku Tiki Bar
, Thorvald Meyers gate 32, 0555 Oslo

Dattera til Hagen
, Grønland 10, 0188 Oslo

, Hegdehaugsveien 34, 0352 Oslo

Catch Highasakite at Mercury Lounge tonight and at Glasslands Gallery tomorrow (3/21).

No Sleep Til...Paris

No Sleep Til...Sydney
No Sleep Til...Brussels
No Sleep Til...Bogotá
No Sleep Til...Copenhagen
No Sleep Til...Seoul

Original TV Casting Choices That Make Us Feel Weird

Screen shot 2013-03-19 at 3.36.41 PM.pngWhat if Jim Halpert was a little more like Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec? Or if Pam had a touch of Chloe O'Brian from 24? An original casting call sheet from The Office was recently released and there among the names are Adam Scott (auditioning for Jim) and Mary Lynn Rajskub (auditioning for Pam). Other what-if scenarios include Broadway regular Hamish Linklater, Upright Citizen's Brigade co-founder Matt Besser actor Ben Falcone (who played the air marshal in Bridesmaids and is married to Melissa McCarthy) as Michael and Anne Dudek (who has had recurring roles in Big Love and House and played Betty Draper's irritating neighbor Francine on Mad Men) as Pam. (Not to mention Paul Giamatti as Michael Scott -- he was apparently one of NBC's first choices but turned the part down.) While you let that information marinate (and picture Michael Scott being a Paul Giamatti-style blunderer instead of a Steve Carell-style goober), take a look at other "could have been" casting choices from some of the most popular shows over the last thirty years. 


According to an oral history of Friends that appeared in Vanity Fair back in 2012, creators Marta Kauffman and David Crane originally considered Téa Leoni for the role of Rachel, Jane Krakowski for the role of Pheobe and Nicolette Sheridan for Monica. Supposedly Sheridan wasn't Courtney Cox's only competition -- Janeane Garofalo (for whom the part was reportedly created), Jami Gertz, Leah Remini and...Jennifer Aniston were all up for Monica before it went to Cox. And, interestingly, at the same time Aniston was being considered for Monica, Cox was almost cast as Rachel. As for the guys, Eric McCormick almost played Ross and both Jon Cryer and Jon Favreau turned down playing Chandler before Matthew Perry was offered the role. 

modernfamily_whatif.jpgModern Family

Before Julie Bowen was cast as Claire Dunphy on Modern Family, Lisa Kudrow was being eyed for the role and Andy Richter was almost cast as her brother, Mitchell. Though we can't picture Kudrow being married to Phil Dunphy (because there'd be way too much spaciness to handle between both Phil and Claire if Kudrow played the part anything like Phoebe Buffay), one would-be casting choice we can actually envision is Craig T. Nelson in the role of put-upon patriarch Jay. To be honest, we've always gotten him and Ed O'Neill mixed up anyway.

breakingbad_matthewbroderick.jpgBreaking Bad

Could you imagine Ferris Bueller or Lloyd Dobler as grizzled meth makers? John Cusack and Matthew Broderick were both up for the role of Walter White before it went to Bryan Cranston, which, on second thought, was actually one of those "see it to believe it" casting calls as it is because whoever thought the Dance Dance Revolution-loving dad from Malcolm in the Middle could become so...terrifying?


Before Julia Louis-Dreyfus had one of the most impressively poofy pompadour up-dos the small screen has ever seen, Patricia Heaton, Rosie O'Donnell and Megan Mullally all reportedly auditioned to play the role of Elaine Benes. It's a good thing Louis Dreyfus was cast instead because can you seriously picture Rosie O'Donnell stockpiling female contraceptive sponges and going out with Puddy?

ally-mcbeal-bridgetfonda.jpgAlly McBeal

Bridget Fonda revealed in a 1999 interview that David E. Kelley offered her the role of Ally McBeal but that she turned it down to focus on films. Instead it was Calista Flockhart who was destined to have hallucinations of dancing babies and to drink many, many martinis at that boring piano bar.

buffy_katieholmes.jpgBuffy the Vampire Slayer

Katie Holmes turned down the role of Buffy to finish high school instead and Sarah Michelle Geller took up the stake instead.

downton_gilliananderson.jpgDownton Abbey

Gillian Anderson was offered the part of Lady Cora but passed, freeing up the role for Elizabeth McGovern. So does that mean that Lady Cora wasn't originally supposed to be American?

cosby_whitneyhouston.jpgThe Cosby Show

Whitney Houston almost played Sondra Huxtable on The Cosby Show but turned down the part to focus on her singing career instead (or, according to Cosby himself, lost out to actress Sabrina La Beauf).

sex-and-the-city-danadelany.jpgSex and the City

At this point, Sarah Jessica Parker is as molded to the role of Carrie Bradshaw as a pair of arch-destroying Manolos are to your feet but originally it could have been Dana Delany staring wistfully out her window while making five million puns about relationships in a voiceover. Delany, who, at the time, was best known for appearing in Superman, The Larry Sanders Show, China Beach and one of our favorite '90s kid movies, Fly Away Home, supposedly turned down the career-making role because she didn't want to be on a show about sex. And here's another zinger: Sandra Bernhard was offered the role of Miranda but turned it down because she thought the pay was lousy and the original script sucked.

madmen_thomasjane.jpgMad Men

Before Don Draper was played by someone very well-hung, he was almost Hung: Thomas Jane was offered the lead in Mad Men before it eventually went to Jon Hamm. (And, sorry, you'll have to forgive our corny penis joke because, after all, Hamm clocked in at #2 in our list of the Top 15 Celebrity Bulges of 2012.)


Justin Timberlake Dedicates "Mirrors" to His Grandparents


Justin Timberlake recently released the video for "Mirrors," his second single off his third studio album The 20/20 Experience -- the second installment is set to be released later this year. The eight minute track is a sweet ode to love and a much needed recovery to his first single "Suite and Tie," which had a video that was basically a Galette commercial. For this video, Timberlake drew inspiration from his grandparents' relationship and dedicates the video to them. In the final moments of the video Timberlake is seen catching his grandmother's wedding ring and breaks into some of his signature dance moves. Take that Justin Bieber. 

The 20/20 Experience is out now

Frank Ocean Models for Band of Outsiders

Screen shot 2013-03-20 at 5.01.21 PM.png1. Frank Ocean is the latest CFP (or "Cool Famous Person") to model in a Band of Outsiders campaign. [via Pitchfork]

Screen shot 2013-03-20 at 4.50.37 PM.png2. Whoa! Alexis Bledel and Mad Men's Vincent Kartheiser are engaged IRL after they played a canoodling, adulterous couple on the show. [via People]

Screen shot 2013-03-20 at 4.54.16 PM.png3. Shepard Fairey designed the official patch for an upcoming mission to the International Space Station. [via Art Info]

Screen shot 2013-03-20 at 5.11.01 PM.png4. Vulture has a great rundown of Tina Fey's appearance last night on Inside the Actor's Studio in which, among other things, she talks about why women shouldn't eat Lean Cuisines at work.

Screen shot 2013-03-20 at 5.30.50 PM.png5. Apparently there's a new site called HeTexted.com where users can upload any ambiguous  text messages they've gotten from people they're dating boning and crowd source assessments about whether the person is actually interested in them. [via xoJane]

Screen shot 2013-03-20 at 5.33.56 PM.png6. Photographer Tom Gill has shot these gorgeous photos of Lake Michigan lighthouses enveloped in ice after waves crashed into the structures and froze. [via HuffPo]

1785121.jpg7. After a Central Casting call sheet for Girls was publicized, everyone's speculating that the show will have a major rehab and/or OCD treatment clinic subplot next season. [via Gothamist]