"The Big British Invite" Highlights the Chicest of the UK

March 14, 2013, 2:10 pm

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Anglophiles, fashionistas and music lovers take note: there's a two day "choose your own adventure" style popup event called The Big British Invite coming to SoHo and you'll want to attend. Produced by our very own ExtraExtra Creative in collaboration with British Airways and Visit Britain, the event will introduce you to the current movers, shakers and trends of England, Scotland and Wales. In other words, all the fabulousness of British fashion, music and food without the pesky exchange rate. Among the fun things to do, you can: get an express manicure from nail art expert WAH Nails inspired by your favorite punk icons; learn how to best style your scarf from print aficionados Liberty London; gulp down Beefeater drinks made by London bartending collective Fluid Movement; dance your ass off in a silent disco DJ'd by some of the best British talents of the moment (including Chelsea Leyland); and gently mosh (we need to return the venue in one piece, after all) at a recreation of legendary Scottish concert venue King Tut's Wah Wah Hut's selection of rock and punk from the UK. With all of these Anglo-goodies ready and waiting for us, we'll definitely be popping over to see what all the fuss is about. Don't be a wanker, check it out!



The Big British Invite will take place from 12pm-6pm from Saturday, March 23rd through Sunday, March 24th at 78 Mercer Street.

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Chicago Gets Animated in Chance the Rapper's "Good Ass Intro"

March 14, 2013, 2:30 pm

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Chance the Rapper ups his hometown with "Basketball Jones"-style animation in the first video from the forthcoming Acid Rap mixtape. The song makes use of gospel piano and choirs reminiscent of last year's Meek Mill hit "Amen," plus Chance's Weezy-esque giggle/croak, almost guaranteed to lift your spirits.

Vanessa Hudgens Gets Down and Dirty

March 14, 2013, 2:30 pm

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In honor of Spring Breakers' release tomorrow, we've decided to publish some outtakes from Vanessa Hudgen's cover shoot. You can scope her cover story HERE.

Bra by Jason Wu, skirt by Louis Vuitton and bracelets by Cartier and Pamela Love.

Dress by Cushnie et Ochs

Dress by Jeremy Scott, shoes by Pedro Garcia and bracelet by Cartier

Dress by Cushnie et Ochs, boots by Doc Martens, bracelet by Cartier and earrings by Tom Binns

Eight Online Zines You Should Know Now

March 14, 2013, 3:00 pm

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Once upon a time, before PAPER was the big magazine that it is now, it started out as somewhat of a zine. And now, the Internet has made it easier than ever for people around the world to come together to make online publications. We've rounded up some of our favorite online zines covering art, poetry, literature and more. Check 'em out below!

Womanzine

Written only by women/those who identify as women, Womanzine claims they are "too sexy and weird." With brilliant themes like Snaxx, CULT, and Body Parts, we have fallen in love with this one. The current issue is "Emoji" which includes Emoji poetry, an essay on the "screaming face" Emoji, and an exploration of IRL Emoji. So relevant!

Shabby Doll House

Founded by writer Lucy K Shaw, zine Shabby Doll House is a quarterly publication focusing on art, literature, and poetry. The zine also recently released a mixtape of some of their contributors reading their pieces aloud. Some stories are hilarious, others are sad, but all are frank and refreshingly honest.

Atlas Zine

Launched in 2011 by a group of super cool Chilean teenagers, Atlas Zine is dedicated to promoting the handmade and celebrating the amateur. The zine, which is primarily in Spanish but sometimes in English, features killer design, fashion editorials, and interviews with musicians and artists, trend reports and more. 

Name Magazine

Created by artist Lauren Poor, Name Magazine aims to feature under-exposed artists in their own personal way. Past and current issues have included the work of photographers and illustrators such as Mike Bailey-Gates, Hope Gangloff, Olivia Bee, and more. The last issue, "By The People, For The People" was filled with artists that Name's readers chose to be included in the issue.

Inconnu Magazine

Although available in print annually, Internet-based magazine Inconnu dishes out a uniquely humorous take on culture. From posts on what your FB cover photo says about you to a guide on what to do if your boyfriend is arrested, Inconnu's brand of humor makes us want to read their take on everything. Luckily, they write about food, art, television, movies, and everything else.

Short, Fast, and Deadly

Cheekily aimed at the reader with little attention span, online literary zine Short, Fast, and Deadly takes prose submissions under 420 characters and poetry submissions under 140, making the content of this zine a short, but not necessarily easy, "deadly" read.

Illuminati Girl Gang

Helmed by writer Gabby Gabby, the acclaimed zine Illuminati Girl Gang just rolled out their third issue which features some beautiful work by some of the coolest women making art today, online and off, including Molly Soda, Grace Miceli, and Rosemary Kirton. 

The Juvenilia

Cutely described as having been formed by a "a tall cat from Los Angeles and Chinese baby panda," The Juvenilia is an online platform for photography, fashion, art, and more. From pretty photo editorials of sun-soaked California suburbs to essays on the "living doll" trend, The Juvenilia's youth-centric, inviting vibe make it a favorite read.

Twitter Now / Allows Enjambment

March 14, 2013, 3:43 pm

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1. 
Everybody cool
Will be making a haiku
Now that this happened.



2.   Here's Kate Moss reading 50 Shades of Grey for charity. [via The Cut]

3.  Hyejin June Hong made this amazing animated short taking us through the films of Stanley Kubrick in an oh-so-cool way. Now we want a DVD set. [via Death and Taxes]


4.  The new Pope ain't that cool with art. In 2004, Jorge Bergoglio (now Pope Francis I) called a show by artist León Ferrari "blasphemous." Admittedly the show depicted Jesus and Mary in frying pans and blenders, but still good to know. [via Gallerist NY]


5.  Scott Sassa, the president of the entertainment and syndication division of Hearst, was allegedly asked to resign after it was discovered that he was sexting with a stripper. We're not sure what about that has anything to with his job performance. [via Gawker]

6.  The deluxe version of Pheonix's new album will feature an hour of extras including  71 "demos and sketches." That's a lot of demos and sketches! [via Pitchfork]


7.  Ang Lee is set to direct a drama pilot for an FX series written by Lost writer Craig Wright. We'd watch that. [via hitfix]

Narcissister, St. Patty Scissoring + Savages

March 14, 2013, 4:30 pm

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Thursday, March 14

SAMPLE SALE: Assembly NY Sale

Warmer temperatures got you itching for a spring wardrobe makeover? Men's and women's clothing from Assembly NY is up to 80% off at their sample sale this weekend, with goods from A Détacher, Cast of Vices, Jeremy Scott, Mark McNairy and more.

170 Ludlow St between Station and East Houston Sts, 12 p.m.-8p.m. Sale ends Sunday, March 17.

BOOKS: "I Dreamed I was a Very Clean Tramp"

Writer, poet and punk icon Richard Hell discusses his memoir for the Barnes and Noble series Upstairs at the Square.

Barnes and Noble, 33 E 17th St, 7p.m., Free

FOOD: Mark Russ Federman

Lower East Side lox whisperer Mark Russ Federman is celebrating the release of his latest book Russ and Daughters: Reflections and Recipes from the House that Herring Built (read our Q&A with Federman here). The first 100 people who purchase the book will be invited to a reception catered by Russ and Daughters.

Congregation Beth Elohi, 274 Garfield Place, Brooklyn. 7:30p.m., $10

Friday, March 15

PERFORMANCE: Performance artist Narcissister (who you can read about in our Spring issue, on stands now) has been getting buzz for the past couple of years for her burlesque-inspired pieces (her "reverse striptease," in which the naked artist pulls various articles of clothing out of her private parts, in particular) and bold installations. Tonight, she debuts her new performance "The Organ Grinder," an "internal exploration of the body." This show's not for kids, but you probably guessed that.

Abrons Arts Center, 466 Grand St., (212) 598-0400. 8 p.m., $15. Tickets here.

PARTY: Frankie Sharp's Friday at Santos Party House

Nightlife aficionado and PAPER fave Frankie Sharp helps put the fun back into Fridays with his latest party series. (Watch a little trailer for the party here.)

96 Lafayette St, New York, NY 21+, $10

Saturday, March 16

PERFORMANCE: Patti Smith narrates Tubby the Tuba

A childhood classic gets a modern makeover thanks to Patti Smith, tap dancer Lane Alexander and the Little Orchestra. Smith will be narrating the tale of a rebellious tuba who defies the odds --  very similar to the spirit of punk music.

Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center, 65 Columbus Ave, New York, NY, 11a.m., $15

BEAU-TAY: PS1 Pop-Up Nail Salon

Add some flair to your talons at MoMA PS1's pop-up weekend nail salon --  part of CONFETTISYSTEM's 100 Arrangements installation. First come, first served.

MoMA PS1, 22-25 Jackson Ave, Long Island City, NY, 12p.m.

CONTEST: Barcade's Arcade-Off

Playstation schmaystation: Get back to your gamer roots at Barcade's Williams Manfacturer's Challenge this weekend and go head to head with the the top-dog players of vintage arcade games like  
Robotron, Defender, Sinistar, Moon Patrol, Make Trax, and Joust. Winner takes home $1000!

Barcade, 388 Union Ave, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, (718) 302-6464. 12 p.m.-7 p.m. Registration is $20.

Sunday, March 17 (See our Non-Douchey St. Patrick's Day Party Guide here)

SCREENING: Weird Science at Nitehawk Cinema

Come to the screening of an '80s cult classic and enjoy the one of kind cinematic experience that mixes film, food, and drinks the way no other theater can.

Nitehawk Cinema, 136 Metropolitan Ave, Brooklyn, NY, 12:15p.m. $11

PARTY: Patrick McMullan's St. Patrick's Day Extravaganza

Grab a complimentary Stoli Shamrock Martini at celebrity photographer Patrick McMullan's festive St. Patty's day bash. With Lady Bunny as DJ and live performances from Irish dancers, you'll be getting your jig on all night long.

XL Nightlclub, 512 W 42nd Street, Manhattan; 10pm-4am


PARTY: St. Patty Scissoring With Frankie Sharp

Nightlife guru Frankie Sharp is getting into the holiday spirit with Saint Patrick's Day Scissor Sunday at the Rusty Knot. Experience some of the sickest DJs, an amazing $2 shot special, and, did we mention a free vodka giveaway between 4-5pm?
 
The Rusty Knot, 425 West St., Manhattan; 4-10pm; Free

Monday, March 18

FILM: Ashik Kerib

This 1988 musical picaresque by Armenian director Sergei Parajanov follows a folk hero on a fairy-tale journey (based on a story by Lermontov) to court a beautiful princess; it also allegorizes the gay director's persecution by Soviet brass. Tonight's screening will be introduced by members of the performance troupe My Barbarian.

IFC Center, 323 Sixth Avenue. 35 mm, 78 minutes. 9 p.m. $13.50

MUSIC: Savages

English band Savages is reviving that sort of gothic 80's post-punk that acts like Siouxsie Sioux and Killing Joke made their own and they are really damn good at it. Heavy on the bass and even heavier on the brooding, Savages' creepy music will be worthwhile to catch live.

Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey Street. 8 p.m. $15

Tuesday, March 19

FILM:

Screenwriter, host of BAM Cinematek's Cinema Chats and longtime Village Voice film critic and contributor Elliott Stein passed away in November, and his friends at BAM are honoring him with the month-long Tuesdays With Elliott, featuring some of us his favorite films. Stein actually co-wrote and stars in tonight's selection Bizarre (Secrets of Sex), a trippy 1970 nudesploitation classic exploring "the extremities to which mankind--and more particularly, womankind--go in the pursuit of, shall we say, satisfaction," narrated by an exhumed mummy.

BAM Rose Cinemas,  4:30 p.m. and 9:45 p.m. $13. Tickets here.

TALK: Rap Genius

The Yalie entrepreneurs behind this website never cease to astound with the macho rap-meets-Silicon Alley swagger they flaunt in interviews. What'll they say next?

Schomburg Center, 515 Malcolm X Boulevard. 6:30 p.m.

Wednesday, March 20

MUSIC: Ed Schrader's Music Beat

The Baltimore minimalist post-punk duo perform on the first anniversary of their album Jazz Mind. With local noise-pop duo Yvette.

Silent Barn, 603 Bushwick Avenue, Brooklyn. 7 p.m. $8.

OTHER: Band Name Thread Funeral

What other time are you going to publicly mourn an e-mail thread? Showpaper presents this party with promises of a coffin and lilies.

The Ho_se, 28 Lawton Street #1, Brooklyn. 8 p.m.

Justin Timberlake & Jimmy Fallon Are Nerds

March 15, 2013, 7:30 am

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Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon did a skit as summer campers with retainers on last night's Late Night. They bust out into "Africa" by Toto half-way through. God, that song is a jam. [LNJF]


Here's a video of tiny Ryan Gosling giving a tour of his hometown of Cornwall, Ontario on the Mickey Mouse Club. "Its got a 10-K bike path, where people just go and they just bike." [Buzzfeed]

Cool cool ranch. [mokiki-sloppyswish]

Ai Weiwei selfie! [laughterkey via creativetime]


Lasik, anyone? [FYouNoFMe]

It's so hard to get cats to quit. [AfternoonSnoozeButton]

Ian tried. [PSS]

Uncanny. [MajorTVJunkie]

"Jetpack away from all this sh*t" is our new Friday motto. [Neverr]

Note from Kim

March 15, 2013, 10:30 am

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For almost three decades now, we've created our magazine by shining a spotlight on who and what we think is amazing. When I say "amazing," I don't necessarily mean successful (a different story). While we never seem to have a problem shouting from the treetops about superb talents who aren't necessarily famous or successful, we do sometimes avoid mediocre ones even if they are, for non-talent related reasons like cuteness, wealth, promotional skills or social status, the current "It" person. We're like heat-seeking missiles in our search for brilliant, creative work and nothing fires us up more than turning the world on to plain old extraordinary talent. Oh, and by the way, we live for the moment when we find out that spectacular work was also created by a spectacular person.

But what happens when it doesn't work out exactly that way? Every so often, we're surprised and crushed to find out that a true genius is also a true asshole. Oh dear. Even after all these years, we always seem to return to this debate around our editorial table: How can we rave about genius talents who we believe are not good people? Is talent really enough by itself?

Most of us were disappointed when we saw Oprah interview the talented yet super-arrogant and deluded Lance Armstrong. Who knew he was such a prick? After watching that, I could never forgive Armstrong because he was truly clueless about being the tremendous asshole he proved to be.

On another hand, I was devastated after finishing Walter Isaacson's biography of Steve Jobs, which I read shortly after Jobs died. The Apple visionary had been my hero and inspiration for as long as I could remember. I followed him and idolized him with religious fervor. You can't imagine how my bubble burst when I read about his lack of generosity and empathy. Boy, what a letdown to find out that he was a mercurial and intolerant genius. That said, if Jobs were still alive and I knew what I know now, I would still write about, purchase and lust after his new products. Am I a hypocrite? Or does Jobs' genius win over Armstrong's?

Recently, jaded fashion folks saw a generous and classy gesture from the designer Oscar de la Renta, who welcomed the brilliant but disgraced designer John Galliano into his studio to help prepare for his show. Galliano, whose deep character flaws were exposed to the world when his drug- and alcohol-induced rant (about loving Hitler and hating Jews) was caught on video, told the press he was a recovering addict trying to make amends and he was humbled to be given this chance. Oscar defended the right of Galliano to be given a second chance. Although I never felt warm and fuzzy for Galliano personally, I've still covered his work regularly and have always regarded him as one of the great talents of the fashion world. Would I want to have him for a friend? (No.) But could I still get excited by his work, now that he has tried to do the right thing? (Yes.) Do I now have a newfound respect for Oscar de la Renta? (Yes.) In fact, I'm more excited for Oscar's show this season than ever.

I admit I'm a sucker for great talent. But, equally, I'm also a sucker for great people. And we will continue the debate in our editorial meetings. Should we cover this superb movie even though the director's evil? (Yes.) Should we write about the heart-stoppingly genius show of an artist who is a selfish, social-climbing jerk? (Yes.) Should we cover the work of one of the most incredible people though what they have done is not the best? (Perhaps.) Should we cover mediocre stuff from the "It"-person of the moment? (Probably not.)

I will certainly continue to give kudos professionally to deserving, great work no matter who creates it. But in my personal life, surrounding myself with good people is my top priority. And I feel extraordinarily lucky to have forged deep, wonderful friendships with people who are both brilliant at who they are -- ethical, generous and honest souls on the inside -- and visionaries in what they do. I like to call them "My Amazing Friends," and once even curated a gallery show of their work (and am longing to write a series of books about them). They're a diverse cast of characters, and include folks like Ted Muehling, Pedro Almodóvar, Ingo Maurer, Joey Arias, John Waters, Tauba Auerbach and Alber Elbaz (trust me there are many more on the list). Amazing talents, amazing people, amazing friends. This is where my heart truly is. Does it get any better than that?

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Nicki Minaj Interviewing Herself Is Hilarious

March 15, 2013, 10:35 am

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Nicki Minaj is on the newest cover of Elle and, like Paper did when she was on our cover, they eschewed doing the usual "behind the scenes" promo video. We did a Nicki-inspired fashion shoot while Elle did this spoof video and honestly, it's brilliant. In the video Minaj interviews herself, playing the role of Nicki (obviously) and the staffer assigned to interview her. Minaj's journalist impression is a must-watch -- she perfectly captures the vapidity of a bad fashion interviewer, the breathless fandom, and the awkwardness of moving onto the next question or being thrown by an answer. Thank you, Nicole.

10 Etsy Finds: Terrariums + Absinthe Lip Balm

March 15, 2013, 11:30 am

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1. Vintage Floral Tattoo Pack

For the tattoo scaredy-cats who still want a little bit of pretty temporary "ink."

2. Absinthe Lips Lip Balm

Absinthe lip balm? Of course Etsy would have this. This all-natural lip balm is described as being "rather addictive."

3. Horse, Rabbit, and Finch Wrapping Paper

Get this gorgeous wrapping paper to decorate an extra special gift or go ahead and frame it as a print. We have to be honest and say we're kind of cringing at the thought of this being ripped apart!

4. Above The Knuckle Ring

This dainty, ring duo attached by a single chain across the knuckle is really cool. 

5. RibbonSquirrel Geometric Notebooks

Available in all-white or colored paper, these awesome graphic notebooks are a great alternative to those boring Moleskines. (Sorry, we just had to say it -- they're boring!)

6. Coconut Body Scrub 

100% vegan and no doubt 100% delicious smelling, this body scrub is for those with sensitive skin and who want to smell like a piña colada all day long.

7. High Fashion Phoenix Hair Fork

One among many interesting hair accessories featured in The Ancient Muse shop, this insane, hand-carved wooden hair fork in the shape of a phoenix will bring out your inner Isabella Blow. 

8. Cat Flag T-shirt

We're pretty sick and tired of all the jokey Black Flag t-shirts, but this one might be a major game-changer...

9. Handmade Transparent Satchel Bag

Get in on the transparent accessories AND satchel purse trends with this handmade-to-order, high quality plastic bag. Just be careful to leave your more embarrassing purse contents at home!

10. Hanging Globe Plant Terrarium

We can't all be gardeners (we do, after all, live in New York City) but terrariums let us have a tiny bit of capsulated garden life indoors. This pretty moss terrarium is low maintenance and comes with everything you need.

Cornrows or No, James Franco Stays in Character

March 15, 2013, 12:15 pm

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Renaissance man James Franco continued in his role of press critic last night, when he appeared on The Tonight Show to promote the new film Spring Breakers. In the film, Franco adopts cornrows, grills and a Southern drawl to play a rapper-slash-criminal named Alien. "All the actresses are telling people, 'Oh yeah, he never left character,'" he told Jay Leno.

Well, no, I did. I didn't talk because my guy, he talks a certain way, acts a certain way. I didn't act like that off set, but I couldn't get rid of the cornrows. Those take like five hours to get in.

It appears Franco might be taking issue with our current cover story, where co-star Vanessa Hudgens is quoted,

I have no idea who James Franco is. I know who Alien is. He's that into method acting. He comes on set as his character. In between scenes, he is still his character. When I first saw him, I was speechless because he just completely transformed himself. The way he talked, with that accent... Everything he does is so organic.

Despite his protests, the whole idea of James Franco breaking character makes us, as his character Alien would say, 'spicious. This is the guy who played himself on General Hospital, and then claimed that the fact of his appearance on the show was itself a performance. After that, James Franco can't claim that he "left character": James Franco is a character. Still, the cornrows do sound like a hassle.

This Fashion Video Is A New Joanna Newsom Song

March 15, 2013, 1:00 pm

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Wren, the girly, whimsical fashion brand with an eye for film, went above and beyond by combining three of our favorite things in their Fall 2013 fashion video: songstress Joanna Newsom, owls, and cute modern clothes with a retro feel. The ethereal film, directed by Maximilla Lukacs and Sarah Sophie Flicker, finds Newsom looking lovely in a picturesque Californian landscape. The best thing about the video -- other than the idea of Newsom lounging with an owl -- is the song, Newsom's new cover of English folk singer Sandy Denny's "The North Star Grassman and the Ravens." Listen (and watch) above.

Step All the Way to Big Daddy Kane

March 15, 2013, 1:00 pm

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In honor of his new Las Supper project, here's Big Daddy Kane with 1988's "Ain't No Half Steppin'." It's not clear why Kane plays poker in a boxing ring, or why the backup singers never sing. What is clear is that if you're going to step to Kane, you better go all the way. "So what you on, Hobbs? Dope or dog food?"

The Best, Worst, and Weirdest From the Week.

March 15, 2013, 1:45 pm

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Worst Photo Op Moment: This picture of Diddy and Rick Ross that has been making its way around the Internet. Awkward. -- Rashard Bradshaw

Best History Lesson: Onstage at the Mercury Lounge last Sunday, Jeffrey Lewis spent nearly as much time interrogating his older collaborator Peter Stampfel about playing with the Holy Modal Rounders and the Fugs in the '60s as he did playing music. Catch them again this Sunday -- the last in their residency. -- Jonah Wolf

Best Dad of the Week: The dad who wrote his son a "preemptive letter of acceptance" before the son came out:

I overheard your phone conversation with Mike last night about your plans to come out to me. The only thing I need you to plan is to bring home OJ and bread after class. We are out, like you now. 

He's funny, too! -- Abby Schreiber

Foursome We'd Really, Really Like to Hang Out With: Matt Damon, George Clooney, Bill Murray and John Goodman, who hit the town this week in Berlin. You know they all had a great old time. Who's Bill texting? -- Elizabeth Thompson

Best Twitter Brawl: Lil' Kim recently took to Twitter to bash Wendy Williams after the talk show host shared an unflattering photo of the rapper during her hot topics segment. Kim's retaliation -- sharing that Williams and late rapper Notorious B.I.G. had a fling -- left me speechless. -- R.B.

Person Having the Worst Week: Matt Lauer. Everyone hates him and now he probably has to go host Jeopardy. Sad clown. -- E.T.

140-Character Long Text We're Most Looking Forward to Reading This Weekend -- That Isn't a Tweet: Poetry featured in online zine Short, Fast, and Deadly. The sonnets have to be 140 words or less. -- A.S.

Biggest Tear Jerker of the Week: This story about a 32-year-old man's adoption by the foster mother who raised him after years of separation. -- R.B.

FOMO of the Week: Not being able to witness the epic meeting between Scumbag Steve and Grumpy Cat at SXSW in person. -- A.S.

We Rate the Top 10 Best Spring Break Movies

March 15, 2013, 2:20 pm

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Where the Boys Are
The eternal question. The original spring break-blowout movie, this 1960 gem starred Connie Francis, Yvette Mimiex and Dolores Hart ,who later became a nun. It also features George Hamilton, Frank Gorshin and Jim Hutton, father of Timothy -- a real star-studded affair. It might have been progressive at the time to do things from a female point of view, but now it's just a movie about girls looking to land a husband and saying things like "my ambition is to be a walking, talking baby factory."
Rating: 2 out 5 unflattering bathing suits


Where the Boys Are '84
Allan Carr, caftan-wearing producer of Grease 2 and Can't Stop the Music (the Village People movie), brought us this hypnotic train wreck starring ice skater Lynn Holly-Johnson, Lorna Luft and Lisa Hartman, star of disastrous Bewtiched spin-off, Tabatha. The 2:55 mark in the clip above is magic.
Rating: 3 out 5 unflattering bathing suits

Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild
Why should the straights have all the embarrassing spring break fun? This nugget features gay icons like RuPaul, Lady Bunny, Amanda Lepore and reality star-turned-nurse-turned-accidental-go-go-boy, Will Wikle.
Rating: 3 out of 5 butt plugs


Guys Gone Wild: Dude, Where's My Pants?
We're not fans of the Girls Gone Wild franchise or its founder Joe Francis, but this movie, which features straight muscle-types on spring break showing off their pumped-up pecks, puts the satin on our panties. With a title like this, how could we not get behind it 100%?
Rating: 4 out of 5 butt plugs

Spring Break Lawyer
It stars Busy Phillips. We're there.
Rating: 2 out 5 unflattering bathing suits

 

Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise
One of Bradley Whitford's proudest cinematic achivements.
Rating: 2 out 5 unflattering bathing suits


Jeepers Creepers
The kids in this movie are on their way home for spring break vacation when they encounter a felsh-eating monster in a creepy abandoned town. But spring break! Woo!
Rating: 2 out of 5 Justin Longs screaming "go, go, go!"


The Beach Girls
Not officially a spring break movie, but it stars former Real Housewives of Orange County star Jeana Tomasina (aka Jeana Keough). So there's that!
Rating: 5 out of 5 unflattering bathing suits



Spring Break
Your classic tale of terrible, horny knuckleheads looking to get shitfaced and laid in the Florida sun. God bless America.
Rating: 3 out of 5 unflattering bathing suits


Spring Breakdown
It's unfair to include this straight-to-DVD jewel in this cavalcade of caca, because it truly transcends the genre. Comedy queens Rachel Dratch, Parker Posey and Amy Poehler are three mid-level career gals who go on vacation and end up knee-deep in spring break mayhem.  
Rating: 5 out of 5 banana hammocks

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Papal Fashions: The Playlist

March 15, 2013, 3:00 pm

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In this weekly column, MC/DJ Hesta Prynn pairs pop culture stories with an original playlist.

He's the new lightning rod, and whether you love him or hate him, he's the hot topic. Yes, it's Pope Francis, the NKOTB. As his photo has been impossible to avoid, I noticed that the similarities to certain musical icons in the visual department seemed too obvious not to comment on. Do the artists featured in this weeks Five 'n' Five draw their fashion inspiration from the Pope, or is it, perhaps, the other way around? Some might say that poking fun at the Pope is the new low-hanging fruit. I would say, respectfully, that that is his cross to bear.

1. Stevie Nicks - "Edge of Seventeen"

A short list of things that Stevie and Francis have in common: Long white robes. Giant crosses. White winged doves. A penchant for music that sounds "hauntingly familiar."

2. Elton John - "The Bitch is Back"

For a man so grossly opposed to marriage equality, the Pope certainly seems to be serving Elton John realness on the regular. NBD but Elton John invented the remix on giant hats and thick, square framed glasses, so step the f back.

3. Liberace - "I'll Be Seeing You"

Pomp and circumstance? An over-the-top home filled with priceless art? A tricked-out car? If the Pope was ten times more fabulous and could play piano he would basically be Liberace.

4. Elvis Presley - "A Little Less Conversation"

The Pope of Vegas, Elvis could likely relate to Francis's having to deal with screaming throngs of hysterical fans. Both also had to learn to maneuver multiple layers of clothing while performing complicated and physically demanding routines, as well as to endure having the entire news media dissect their each and every move. "A little less conversation, a little more action," please.

5. Prince - "Purple Rain"

Just last month on Ash Wednesday, Pope Francis represented in this very Prince-esque purple ensemble. It's almost as if the lyrics were written for this moment: "Honey, I know times are changing. It's time we all reach out for something new. That means you too. You say you want a leader... let me guide you to the purple rain."

Parks and Rec Characters Sing "Time After Time"

March 15, 2013, 3:03 pm

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1.  Last night's episode of Parks and Rec featured what will definitely be one of the best moments of P&R ever. Especially when Donna comes in.

2.  The internet has gone too far: enter Ty Morin's Kickstarter campaign "Friend Request: Accepted," which was made so that Morin can actually get to know every single one of his Facebook friends by traveling around and taking old-fashioned portraits of them. He's already $2,000 above his funding goal. [via Gawker]


3.  Cindy Sherman will have a show within the show at the Venice Biennale --  she plans to set up "a kind of doll's house or anatomical theater" and fill it with works by a mix of popular and unknown artists. Sherman is also pushing for unusual art objects to be in show, like dolls and puppets, mannequins and religious artifacts. We wish we could come visit. [via New York Times]


4.  WSJ profiled the Rockaway Plate Lunch Truck, which offers hot, free meals in heavily damaged areas of the Rockaways. The truck was created by Mike D (of the Beastie Boys), Sam Talbot, Robert McKinley and John Rose. So far it's raised over $200,000 and will be running until the summer.
 


5.  Depeche Mode released a new single today. [via Pitchfork]


6.  After Kyle Smith wrote an (admittedly douchey) article for the Post about hating the New York dining experience, homemade signs have been put up around the city accusing him of "douchebaggery." Smith's main problems with the flyers are that they're not really funny, which we have to agree with. [via NYMag]

7.  Chicago Public Schools may be trying to ban Persepolis, the graphic novel by Marjane Satrapi -- about her childhood living in Iran and Paris in the years following the Islamic Revolution -- for "graphic language" and images. We certainly hope that doesn't happen. [via HuffPo]

Dangerous Tricks, Dangerous Twerks + More

March 15, 2013, 4:30 pm

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Welcome to our Friday GIF roundup, featuring a collection of this week's most important, amusing and/or newsy GIFs and GIF sets by Mike Hayes of BuzzFeed and GIF Hound.

The Vatican chimney announces the new Pope. [Buzzfeed]

Hi, new Pope. [DorseyShaw]

The internet reacts to the new Pope. Yikes. [IloveCharts]

JT got SNL its highest rating in 14 months. [Buzzfeed]

This cat is everyone at CPAC. [MichaelHayes]

I love this dude...Nick Offerman, I mean. I don't even know who that other dude is. [MTV]

R.I.P. Brandon Knight. [Gotemcoach]

Most dangerous twerk of all-time? [ozzyosborntodie]

Best nose-pick of all-time? [Seanbot]

Finally, this one's dedicated to all the showoffs out there. [Awesomephilia]

Justin + Jimmy Do the History of Rap 4

March 18, 2013, 7:10 am

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Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake perform the History of Rap Part 4. This never gets old. [LaughingSquid]
 
Once upon a time, a UCB show called Soundtracks Live, featuring a cast re-creating a cult-classic movie with a live soundtrack, did Sixteen Candles starring Amy Poehler, Paul Rudd, Will Arnett, Rachel Dratch, Michael Showalter and a bunch of other funny people you love. And now some old photos have been un-earthed via Flickr. Look at Tina Fey!  [Vulture]

Some puppies that were thrown in a dumpster behind an Arkansas church have been rescued by a local animal refuge until they can be adopted out. Their foster mom at the refuge? This capybara named Cheesecake! [Jezebel]

Bradley Cooper in pink curlers. We repeat, Bradley Cooper in pink curlers. [Buzzfeed]

Mona Swanson. [LaughterKey]

Come at me bro. [TastefullyOffensive]

Mozart's touring schedule sucks! [FYeahDementia]

#PopeProbs. [CoinFarts]

Your Monday chill pill. [Mlkshk]

Girls Finale Recap: "I Cut Off All My Fucking Hair!"

March 18, 2013, 9:45 am

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The second season of Girls ended with a bang, and really, a lot of banging. In the first five minutes, we see every character going at it -- which is fitting since unsexy sex has practically become a Girls trademark -- except, of course, for our leading lady. Let's dig right in.

This episode ushers Hannah to a breaking point. Toeing the line between depressed twentysomething and full-blown mental patient, she has finally hit rock bottom (and honestly, it's hard to imagine things could get much worse). But as I've said before, hitting rock bottom could be good for her. When everything she has leaned on for security disappears, she'll be forced to become her own person -- and more importantly, to grow up. No excuses.

Take, for example, the book deal. Earlier this season, she secured an advance from a publishing company for an e-book, but Hannah, who fantasizes about being "the voice of her generation," hasn't actually written anything. In this episode, the publisher breaks the news to her that if she doesn't produce pages, they'll sue. Predictably, she calls her parents in a panic to ask them to loan her money to buy her more time (and to feed them a laundry list of excuses about her mental state that, I'll admit, seems rocky) but this time around, they don't bite. They just say no. And much like hitting rock bottom, hearing no can be a good thing. In fact, Laird (the junkie) shuts her down, too. When she calls him to come fix her hair after she's botched it with scissors, she lies down on the floor and starts whining about her situation: "You know when you're young and you drop a glass and your dad says like, get out of the way to be safe while he cleans it up?" she asks him. "Well, now, no one really cares if I get cut with glass. No one really cares if I get cut with glass or break something. No one says 'let me take care of that.'" Unmoved by Hannah's soliloquy, Laird tells her, "You are the most self-involved, presumptuous person I know." And, just like that, Hannah realizes she got served by her ex-junkie neighbor.

Hannah is slowly realizing that becoming an adult means her parents won't always be there to catch her. Adulthood requires discipline. To earn good credit, one must pay the bills. To be healthy, one must not consist on cool whip. To be a good friend or lover, one must think of others. To be a writer, one must actually write. (And no, cutting one's hair off won't solve anything, just ask Britney Spears.) These are things even Laird understands.

The light at the end of the tunnel is Adam, who shines as the show's most bizarre, complex and charming character. After a quick sex scene with Natalia (this time on her turf, although it's still awful), we see him thrashing around in his apartment destroying that mysterious boat he's been building for months. He receives a call from Hannah who is mid-breakdown and runs, literally, to her rescue. He scoops her into his arms and sweetly kisses her and I'm happy, if only for a moment, because they're both so weird that it just might work. Adam's brutal honesty might be exactly what Hannah needs to pull herself out of this rut, and I'm rooting for her.

Marnie also fell off the wagon this season, albeit less dramatically. After prancing around as the self-congratulatory "together" friend during season one, she spent most of season two in a state of whiny desperation: working as a cocktail waitress, screwing a pompous artist and following Charlie around like a puppy. Although she and Charlie ultimately get back together in the finale, it's all a little too convenient. At one point, Marnie clarifies that she doesn't love Charlie only for his newfound success, but it doesn't feel sincere. Isn't it equally possible that she's just insecure about her own recent failures and lusting for his attention? Time will tell.

Jessa is typically nowhere to be found, but Hannah leaves her a screaming voice message accusing her of abandoning her. "I cut off all my fucking hair! And you're off somewhere, just living it up, wearing a crop top and you probably got your vagina pierced so you're not answering your phone and you're forgetting about everyone who's fucking it up here!" Can't lie, this scene was absolutely hysterical and a season highlight.

And, though this episode saw new beginnings for Marnie and Charlie and, quite possibly, Hannah and Adam, it marked the death of Ray and Shoshanna -- a moment I've feared was coming for some time. Shoshanna, ruled by materialism and glaring immaturity, breaks up with Ray because he lacks ambition and a positive outlook. Ray prefers to think of it as critical thinking and defends his refusal to sell out to establishment. Both parties have a point. I'm not one to crave happy endings but if I have one sappy wish for season three, it's for each of these characters to grow into themselves (for Shoshanna to gain some life experience and for Ray to take control of his career) and then give the relationship another shot. Of course, something tells me Lena Dunham has a more colorful storyline planned.

It wouldn't be a finale without a few lingering questions, and I've got a solid list. First and foremost, where in the world is Jessa? Like a well-played courtship, Dunham gives us just enough Jessa to keep us interested yet always wanting more. I also wonder where Hannah will go from here. After all, she hit some staggeringly low lows this season -- her issues now reach far beyond emotional and mental instability, she also has no job and no friends. And, while I'm happy to see Adam back in her life, he can't solve these problems for her. So much of the conversation around Girls is about how real it is; there are entire blogs devoted to evaluating whether or not each episode paints an accurate picture of what life is like for a certain set of twenty-somethings today. But with substantial issues such as mental health, sexual boundaries and an unmerciful job market, the most realistic path to resolution is likely not the easiest one. Hannah had a hard, long fall, so it will be interesting to see how she picks herself back up. What are your predictions for season three?