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Sia's Choreographer Teaches You How To "Chandelier"


Move over, twerking. "Wounded dog in one of those wheelchairs," "glutenous and lonely," and "pass out/come to" are the only dance moves we care about right now.

Directed by Andrea Sisson for Nowness, Ryan Heffington -- the brilliant mind behind Sia's "Chandelier" -- breaks down the video's complicated choreography into hilarious references that even a non-dancer could understand. "Pump! Pump! Fear! Robot Bird!" Umm, okay... We got this.

Sonos Invades New York With the Help of Blood Orange, Best Coast + More

Best Coast_SonosStudio_RogerKisby2.jpgBest Coast. (Photo by Roger Kisby)

The California-based, "multi-zone digital music system" company, Sonos, is in New York City this week showcasing their wares in a unique setting. They've taken over a big chunk of the co-working space, Neuehouse, on 25th Street and brought in a group of musicians, DJs and visual artists and -- rather than just offering typical product demos -- they've found lots of clever ways to keep you entertained, and informed. For example: Dev Hynes (aka Blood Orange) collab'd an interactive light-and-sound installation with the Brooklyn-based design firm The Principals. Their floating electric "quilt" is suspended from the ceiling of a big room on the ground floor. Downstairs in the "screening room," there's a multi-channel art and video piece by the indie band Spoon and the Brooklyn-based artist JD Walsh. Other artists on hand for the week are Band of Skulls, Best Coast (who performed last night), Flight Facilities, ASTR, Nico Mulhy and many more. You can check out the full schedule of events HERE, but if you didn't already RSVP, you might have a hard time getting in.

Beyoncé Taught Harvard Business School About Business


When Beyoncé's dropped her self-titled album in December, it wasn't just a gift to teen girls and grown women everywhere. The surprise release even inspired Beymania in the least likely of places, Harvard Business School.

The fact that Beyoncé managed to keep a major release a secret -- and keep it from leaking on the Internet -- completely baffled the Ivy League bros. Beyoncé sold 600,000 copies in its first three days and while the simple answer to her success is THE ILLUMINATI, a class at Harvard decided to take a closer look at Beyoncé's formula for success. The authors of the study shared their findings with Billboard and here's what they learned:

Beyoncé never sits down:

We always imagined that Beyoncé travels by a gilded palanquin that's carried around by tanned, shirtless men. But according to the Harvard study (titled, "Beyoncé"), the performer prefers walk-and-talk meetings.

"[Beyonce] doesn't often sit in her office," Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, the general manager of Beyoncé's company, Parkwood said in the study. "She usually walks from one office to the other, speaking with the staff. She'll come to my office and talk to me, or she will sit in the back and give notes on projects we are working on... She has got a really good sense of the business side, but she doesn't like to live there always."

Albums are best made in Hampton mansions:

In the summer of 2012, Beyoncé rented a house in the Hamptons that served as production HQ. Sia, Hit-Boy, The-Dream and the rest of Beyoncé's team worked collaboratively by the beachside. Callahan-Longo said, "We rented a house for a month. Everyone would have dinner together every night and break off into different rooms and work on music. She had five or six rooms going, each set up as a studio, and would go from room to room and say things like 'I think that song needs that person's input.' Normally you would not see songs have two or more producers, but it was really collaborative."

Beyoncé put her faith in the Internet:

And, from #surfboart memes to emojis, the Internet embraced her with open arms. Beyoncé was originally slated to be released on November 18th, but due to the album's essential video component the release had to be pushed back to December 13th.

"Normally albums come out on that day, so they can be tracked by Billboard for a full week," Rob Stringer -- who runs one of the biggest radio stations in the world -- said in the study, "but then the boss asked 'Why does the record need to come out on a Tuesday? We're not putting it in stores, so do we care?'" While the iTunes digital exclusive on the record did cause retailers like Target to refuse to carry the album, with the Internet on her side, Beyoncé didn't bat an eye.

In other words -- she's not a businesswoman. She's a business, woman. 

Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" as Interpreted by White People


"Oh my gosh, look at that banjo," is the lyric "Anaconda" never needed. But thanks to the band Postmodern Jukebox, Nicki Minaj's manifesto for "bitches with a fat ass" has been turned into an ode to the banjo.

The bluegrass take on the song is pretty much what happens when all of your worst nightmares about overalls and hoedowns morph into one. In this rendition, Minaj's NSFW line about tossing salad has been changed to "he growing crops like his name is Romaine." The one thing this cover has going for it is that it's safe for work -- and southern plantations.

While we don't exactly recommend it, you can listen to the version of "Anaconda," above.

With These Two Videos, Rapper Sharaya J Proves She's a Triple Threat


What did you expect from an incredible dancer and choreographer but -- that's right -- kick-ass choreography? Of course Sharaya J can also rap and with this clip, co-directed by Missy Elliott, we get a double-dose of music when it jumps from "Takin' It No More" to "Shut It Down" and the video changes from color to black-and-white -- except for the soles of the shoes. There's a bit of a "caught-my-man-cheating" narrative at the beginning, but keep watching: by the end it's all dancing, all the time.

The 45 Best One-Hit Wonders

Screen Shot 2014-10-01 at 4.04.55 PM.pngLike musical hit-and-runs, one-hit wonders make an impact with a solitary musical achievement (namely a Top 40 Billboard hit), then promptly fade into way lower chart numbers. Here are the ones that should have signaled brighter careers. I'll start with the 1960s, when the wonders really began clogging up the landscape.

1. The Exciters, "Tell Him" (1963): A buzzy, hopped-up ditty, full of sass and vinegar.

2. The Singing Nun, "Dominique" (1963): If you didn't like this unlikely French-language pop song by a Belgian nun, you were going to hell.

3. Astrud Gilberto, "The Girl from Ipanema" (1964):  The ultimate bossa nova song of summer. Just listening to it, I felt tall and tan and young and lovely.

4. Cilla Black, "You're My World" (1964): Brit chanteuse Cilla had the pipes and the pizzazz. She should have had more hits.

5. Shirley Bassey, "Goldfinger" (1965): The ultimate Bond theme, sung to perfection by throaty Shirley.

6. Neil Hefti, "Batman" (1966): A catchy theme for TV's campy caped crusader.

7. The Capitols, "Cool Jerk" (1966): One of the most covered songs of all time. "Can you do it, can you do it...?"

8. Paul Mauriat and his orchestra, "Love is Blue" (1968): Tasteful, high-class instrumental stuff, a cut above the crap.

9. The Hesitations, "Born Free" (1968): A more soulful version of the movie theme, and very cool. The lion must have loved it.

10. Richard Harris, "MacArthur Park" (1968): Of all the nutty versions of this insane song, Harris's is the nuttiest. He truly left his cake out in the rain.

11. Tiny Tim, "Tiptoe Through The Tulips with Me" (1968): The high-pitched oddity trilled his way to perfection through this wacky chestnut.

12. Jeannie C. Riley, "Harper Valley PTA" (1968): I love a good story song with a strong message, and Jeannie rang it out, telling off all those small-town hypocrites with country gusto.

13. Brooklyn Bridge, "The Worst That Could Happen" (1969): Finding out that a girl I love is marrying someone else was never one of my big problems, but this weepy ballad made a good case for it.

14. Spiral Staircase, "More Today Than Yesterday" (1969): A sweet, rollicking pop hit, and oh so romantic.

15. Steam, "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye" (1969): Ditto. I love these off-the-cuff, sincere love ditties.

16. Five Stairsteps, "O-o-h Child" (1970): One of the sweetest, most sincere hits ever -- a lilting song of hope and love.

17. Lynn Anderson "(I Never Promised You a) Rose Garden" (1970):
Well, Lynn did promise us a twangy sensation of a song, and she sure delivered.

18. T. Rex, "Bang a Gong (Get it On)" (1971): With this hit, British glam rock came to the charts and changed the world, sequin by sequin.

19. Lou Reed, "Walk on the Wild Side" (1972): Can you believe this real-life tale of drugging, fellating transsexuals made it to the top 40? There is a God.

20. Carl Douglas, "Kung Fu Fighting" (1974): Total kitsch silliness, and I fall for it every time.

21. Shirley & Company, "Shame, Shame, Shame" (1975): An impossible to resist dance number, with Shirley screeching it to the rafters. It's used well in the new movie Pride.

22. Elvin Bishop, "Fooled Around and Fell in Love" (1975): Blues guitarist Bishop really hit a nerve with this wail about whoring and falling. A classic.

23. Vicki Sue Robinson, "Turn the Beat Around" (1976): This was one of disco's finest moments, a percolating, rhythmic attack that keeps you twerking.

24. Debby Boone, "You Light Up My Life" (1977): This heartfelt love song was written by Joe Brooks, who committed suicide after being accused of serial rapes and whose son killed a woman in a bathtub, but the song itself is way better than the back story.

25. Odyssey, "Native New Yorker" (1977):
A swirling ode to NYC that just captivates. ("You're no tramp, but you're no lady...")

26. Patti Smith Group, "Because The Night" (1978): How great was it to have punky Patti on the chart with this power ballad co-written by Bruce Springsteen?

27. Cheryl Lynn, "Got To Be Real" (1978):
Cheryl became a star after she did well on The Gong Show. Her amazing pipes were served well on this disco smash.

28. The Sugarhill Gang, "Rapper's Delight" (1979): The hip-hop trio endeared with this sweet bit of bragging that paved the way for much darker stuff in the genre. I mean, much darker stuff.

29. Devo, "Whip It" (1980): The lyrics were supposedly an imitation of Thomas Pynchon and the synthesizer licks were vaguely S&M, and the whole thing was extremely one of a kind.

30. Soft Cell, "Tainted Love" (1982):
A  taunting remake of an obscure Gloria Jones song, and sexily inviting thanks to Marc Almond's vocals.

31. Dexy's Midnight Runners, "Come on Eileen" (1982):
From the Celtic fiddle to the tempo change, this was an exotically appealing bar song that lives on.

32. Tracey Ullman, "They Don't Know" (1983): Tracey's cover of Kirsty MacColl's bouncy song proved she had the pop star chops, but alas, this was her only time at the rodeo.

33. Patrick Swayze featuring Wendy Fraser,  "She's Like The Wind" (1987): This romantic ballad from Dirty Dancing -- co-written by Swayze -- was really lovely. Yes, the guy was multifaceted.

34. Sinead O'Connor, "Nothing Compares 2 U" (1990): Old Shiny Head's Prince cover was super focused and scarily intense, but it turned out to be her only hit. She should have ripped up a photo of Prince.

35. Deee-Lite, "Groove is in the Heart" (1990): One of the best dance songs of all time, "Groove" was kooky, jazzy, exciting stuff, and surprisingly the group's only visit to the Top 40.

36. Oleta Adams, "Get Here" (1990): A plaintive, beautiful ballad written by Brenda Russell. Love that "caravan/Arab man" rhyme.

37. k.d. lang, "Constant Craving" (1992):
Gentle lesbian crooning at its finest, but k.d.'s constant craving for chart success was never fully gratified before or after.

38. Robin S., "Show Me Love" (1992): Hot, danceable, and delicious. But maybe Robin would have done better with a last name?

39. Joan Osborne, "One of Us" (1995): A controversial but actually quite beautiful song about God was Joan's only chance at deification.

40. Everything But The Girl, "Missing" (1995): A British music duo wafted by with this haunting hit, buoyed by lovely Tracey Thorn vocals.

41. Fiona Apple, "Criminal" (1997):
The golden Apple struck paydirt with her hypnotic rocker about feeling dirty, but alas, she couldn't get arrested after this.

42. Macy Gray, "I Try" (2000):
With that uniquely raspy voice, Macy seemed to be chartbound for life. Wrong. But she tried.

43. Norah Jones, "Don't Know Why" (2003):
The best kind of elevator music, Jones' sultry song scraped the Top 40, but she never managed that again. Don't know why.

44. Gnarls Barkley, "Crazy" (2006):
Another Gnarls album is reportedly forthcoming, so calling them a one-hit wonder might be "crazy" -- and premature.

45. Amy Winehouse, "Rehab" (2007):
With that fiery talent, Amy should have been an enduring force, not a one-hit wonder. Tragic tuna.

As for acts in the 2010s: Ah, give them a chance. They might have a second hit!

9 Must-See Art Shows Opening This Week

 stipegif1.gifMichael Stipe put together an "evolving exhibition project" called "New Sights, New Noise" at the 80 WSE Gallery (80 Washington Square East) that runs from September 30 to November 8.  The gallery's director, Jonathan Berger, asked Stipe "to be in residence as both an artist and teacher, repurposing the space as a studio, classroom, and laboratory that will exist in a constant state of flux for the duration of the exhibition."  Lots of "contributors" are also involved including Douglas Coupland, Peaches and Jefferson Hack; as well as several BFA students.

04free-art-friday-new-york-9-22-14.jpgInstagram post from @uncuttart via Artnet.com

This Friday, October 3rd, is Free Art Friday in New York City.  Held on the first Friday of every month, it's your chance to go on an urban treasure hunt and look for free art, placed around town by various artists.  Artists post images of their works on Instagram -- or clues via Twitter -- and, if you can tell the location by looking at the photos, just dash over and pick up some art.  The concept has been around for a few years and has recently turned into a global, social media event.  The NYC hashtags are #fafnyc and #fafny.

charlesjamesBTD.pngThere are two "one-week-only" exhibitions running this week.  The first is "Charles James: Beneath the Dress" at the National Arts Cub (15 Gramercy Park South), on view daily from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. thru Sunday, October 5.  The show features fashion and erotic drawings, photographs and a film from the private collections of R. Couri Hay and Anton Perich.

The second is a cool, "one-week-only" exhibition by the Irish artist Conor Harrington on view now in the Old Gym at 268 Mulberry Street.  The show, "Eat and Delete," includes several, large-scale paintings and also a series of short film collaborations with Andrew Telling. It was all put together by London's Lazarides Gallery.  Check it out any day this week until 7 p.m.  Last chance is Saturday, October 4.

AmericanStill-life_2000_0.jpg"American Still Life" by Stephen Hall.

A group show with an intriguing theme called "BRINK" opens on Thursday, October 2, 7 to 10 p.m. at Conception Gallery (31-00 47th Avenue) out in Long Island City.  The exhibition features 20 artists who share their "experiences standing on the threshold of catastrophe - yielding either survival or surrender."  The artists include Stephen Hall, Sarah Anna Hansen and the New York artists Ken Husband and Eddie Rehm, whose work was influenced by Hurricane Sandy.  It's up until October 30.

Kurant_Installation_view_AAI_21.jpgAgnieszka Kurant

What happens when science and art collide?  The answer can be seen in two shows this week: the first, at Tanya Bonakdar Gallery (521 West 21st Street)(), is a solo show by the Polish artist Agnieszka Kurant that includes a work called "A.A.I." that was built by termites after the artist gave them "sand, gold and glitter" and let them construct several, colorful mounds.  It's up until October 8.  The second is a group show called "Where is the Art in Bio Art?" that opens on October 1, 6 to 8 p.m. at The School of Visual Arts Flatiron Gallery (133-141 West 21st Street).  The works by SVA students and faculty are meant to "demystify science and turn it into raw material for the practice of art," the director of the Bio Art Lab, Suzanne Anker, explained to the NYT.  It is on view until October 18.

PRJ_TheCommons_02_428W_re2.jpg"Crossing Brooklyn: Art from Bushwick, Bed-Stuy and Beyond" opens on Friday at the Brooklyn Museum (200 Eastern Parkway) and will be up until January 4, 2015. (The members' preview is on Thursday evening.)  The show features 35 Brooklyn-based artists, recognizing "the borough's long-established role as a creative center."  Don't forget that Target's First Saturday,free events are on October 4th.

Screen Shot 2014-10-01 at 4.43.51 PM.png

NIGO -- the Japanese DJ, producer and creator of Bathing Ape -- plans to auction 250 pieces from his own collection at Sotheby's Hong Kong on October 7th. The auction is called "NIGO Only Lives Twice" and includes collectibles, jewelry and watches, luxury goods, design furniture and contemporary art. "I wanted to have an estate sale of my own but obviously I couldn't get any enjoyment from it myself if I was dead. So I decided to do it now," he says.

Screen Shot 2014-10-01 at 4.40.04 PM.pngEarlier this month, the Storefront for Art and Architecture (97 Kenmare Street) launched a big, two-month-long project in ten spaces around the world -- plus a digital platform designed by Pentagram -- all selected "for their ability to produce alternative platforms within their local contexts."  This week they are opening a new, site-specific installation, "Situation NY,"  designed by the artist Jana Winderen and the architect Marc Fornes.  The installation opens at 7 p.m. on Friday, October 3rd, and is up until November 21st.  ALSO:  You still have until November 23rd to check out the OfficeUS exhibition in the United States pavilion at the 2014 Architecture Biennale in Venice.

The 10 Most Horrifying "Millennial-y" Lines From the Selfie Pilot

selfie.jpgAt first glance, Selfie may seem like a shameless bid for millennial viewers with its "My Fair Lady-meets-social media" plotline but that didn't mean we weren't glued to our couch watching the pilot last night anyway. The show focuses on social media-obsessed Eliza (get it?), who gets "rebranded" by uptight marketing whiz, Henry (played by John Cho aka Harold from Harold and Kumar). While we're probably supposed to hate Eliza for her vapid self interest, she plays so far into the overwrought "social media obsessed selfish millennial" stereotype that the show is hard to take seriously. Anyone under 40 with an internet connection and an interest in current events is on social media, so demonizing it to the point that Eliza is portrayed as less human than social media-free Henry is pretty ridiculous. The entire show is based on the same tired cliches people have been recycling since Twitter and Instagram came into online existence. All in all, it's a bit of a yawn. But, since -- allegedly -- millennials are forever interested in millennials, we rounded up the most stereotypical millennial, cringe-inspiring quotes from the first episode.

1. "Social media is this giant fingernail that scratches this woman's itch for constant validation." - Henry

2. "When Siri is the only person there for you, you realize that being friended isn't the same as being friends." - Eliza

3. "I find it easy not to make personal connections in a city that only values wireless connections." - Henry

4. "You are addicted to the instant gratification of unearned adulation from a group of perfect strangers you insist on referring to as your friends." - Henry

5. "I could transform you from a vapid, despised, social media obsessed narcissist into a valued and respected woman of stature." - Henry

6. "No phones. No wedding selfies." - Henry

7. "I may get thousands of likes and retweets and favorites but it's entirely possible that no one will ever look at me the way that Terrance was looking at her." - Eliza

8. "Did you Google me? Don't you dare Google me!" - Henry 

9. "I was done socializing and back to social networking." - Eliza

10. "All my friends' names start with "@" symbols, I get all my news from Buzzfeed, I have a negative Uber ranking and I've never shown up for jury duty." - Eliza

Paris Hilton's Improbable DJ Career: A Timeline

BFA_10365_1252278.jpgPhoto by David X Prutting/BFAnyc.com

We couldn't help but notice that Paris Hilton has unexpectedly been killing it in the DJ scene, racking up residencies in Ibiza and sets everywhere from Colombia to South Korea. But we were pretty shocked to find that her DJ dominance has now reached Paris Fashion Week. Last night, the former reality star DJ'd Carine Roitfeld's swanky CR Fashion Book launch, where she donned tiny gloves and indoor sunglasses and played tracks for the fashion elite to dance to. How did we even get here? How did Paris even get there? If you're just as confused, refer to the brief history of Paris Hilton's DJ career, below.

A Miami Club in 2009: A Raver's Dream Deferred

Back in 2009, according to a Swedish House Mafia tour documentary (AKA a reliable source), Steve Angello recalls his fated evening with Paris Hilton in Miami. As the story goes, the heiress rushed the DJ both and demanded that the SHM DJ stop his set and play a song she requested. "I'm Paris Hilton," he remembers Paris Hilton saying. To which the DJ replied, "I don't give a fuck. I'm Steve Angello." That night, Paris went home dejected, making vague plans to one day call the playlist shots.

November 29th, 2011: A DJ Love Affair With Afrojack

Love makes us do crazy things -- like stay up until the sun rises, kiss in the rain without any regard to catching a cold, chat on Tinder for hours with a dude who can only be described as "not that bad" -- and, perhaps, get serious about a DJ career?

July 24th, 2012: Paris' DJ Debut in Brazil

We can't say that we don't love The Simple Life-era Paris Hilton. Her dead-eyed quips ("You can call me "Princess Paris" or "bitch") were, at times, our raison d'être. But the crowd at Paris' DJ debut at the Sao Paulo Pop Music Festival were not so enthused to see the former reality TV star in immaculately bedazzled headphones. Her "What's up Brazil!" was immediately met with a chorus of boos. That night, she also premiered her Afrojack-produced single, "Last Night," which didn't go over too well either. 

October 8th, 2013: Paris Does Hollywood

Taking a year to hone her button pushing skills (that's what DJing is, right?), Paris makes her US DJing debut and, according to LA Weekly, "she rocks!" And notably, her look for the night was still very sparkly but much improved.

July 31st, 2013: The "Foam & Diamonds" Reign

At this point, Paris Hilton can't be stopped. And no one seems to want to stop her? The sparkle queen is now in full effect at Amnesia Ibiza for an exclusive DJ residency and the CEO of Cash Money Records, Birdman, is actually enabling her. He says he doesn't "think people know how talented Paris is." And he's right, we don't.

November 8th, 2013: Paris Does TV

Here it's revealed that Paris has "been to DJ school and stuff" and is very confident in her pronunciation of "Ibiza." If anything, Paris can definitively claim that she's the first DJ on Ellen. The first! 

December 26th, 2013: Paris Hilton: World's Best DJ

In a paparazzi interview with TMZ, the heiress claims that she's amongst the top five highest paid DJs in the world ("I'm one of the top five in the world, so..."). Regardless of facts, she says it with such sassy surety that we're inclined to believe her.

February 28th, 2014: Paris Hilton: Actually Not A DJ

Taking herself out of the running for "World's Best DJ," Paris Hilton told V Magazine that she's actually not a DJ. "I don't consider myself a DJ," she explained. "I am a businesswoman, and this is just a small part of what I do. I love music and I love partying, so it's a fun job for me."

August 11th 2014: Paris Hilton is Covered in Foam and Laughing at All of Us As She Makes So Much Money (AKA Foam & Diamonds Party Redux)

Whether anyone likes it or not (and they must like it if they've invited her back), Paris Hilton is the DJ of our generation. Or at least the party godsend for Ibiza club kids. In four nights she made $2.7 Million -- or $347,000 an hour. While her DJ skills are still under question ("the crowds do seem to enjoy it, but most are too off their faces to care that she's simply pressed Play on a Beyoncé megamix," a source told The Sun), as they say, Foam & Diamonds are forever. 

Nick Offerman Has A Lot of Thoughts on Manscaping


Nick Offerman and Conan O'Brien talk manscaping. His advice? Keep it swampy. (Grossss.)

All in favor of replacing "guilt trip" with "shamecation"? [Via Imgur

John Mulaney and Jennifer Garner play a game of "catchphrase" on Jimmy Fallon -- the only time it's a disadvantage to have never been catfished.

qbYMgmq.jpg Do it for science. 

"This one is for my 30ft long snakes up in zoo!" The educational version of "Anaconda" is the catchiest way to learn about snakes. 

Screen Shot 2014-10-02 at 9.28.21 AM.png
The cutest outlaw in the wild West. [via Tumblr

Premiere: First Aid Kit Perform "Heaven Knows"


In need of a little uplift on this gray fall morning? Peep this new video from Swedish folk band -- and sisters -- First Aid Kit. The clip shows Johanna and Klara Söderberg performing their Stay Gold track "Heaven Knows" during a studio session in Stockholm. The sisters say that the song "kind of sounds like an old Christian gospel country song" but that it was "a sarcastic decision to make it sound that way." The duo are kicking off a headlining tour in the U.S. this fall and will come out to NYC on October 24 to play the Hammerstein Ballroom. You can see a full list of tour dates HERE and, in the meantime, jam out to "Heaven Knows," above.

Feel All the Feels With Flying Lotus and Kendrick Lamar's New Video, "Never Catch Me"


Kendrick Lamar gets the "featuring" credit on this new Flying Lotus track, but the video is what really grabbed our attention. Directed by super-hot L.A. director Hiro Murai -- he's the dude behind a lot of our recent faves including Spoon's "Do You" and Childish Gambino's "Sweatpants" -- the clip really takes off when two kids jump out of the caskets at their own funeral and start to boogie down. The track is off FL's fifth studio album, You're Dead, out next week on Warp records; he'll be in NYC on October 15th at Terminal 5.

Nick Jonas' Penis For Flaunt Magazine

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Versus Creepy Times Square Mascots


Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewed a bunch of those off-brand Times Square mascots and it's perfect. "I'm standing in the middle of New York City, where 7th Avenue meets conjunctivitis." [Conan]
Someone who hates us all made an hour-long supercut of every Tim Allen grunt on Home Improvement slowed down at 25% speed. [Uproxx]

In other news, BJ Novak is your new boyfriend. [Uproxx]

tumblr_nctlh7TKHZ1qz9muno1_500.jpg*Screams into the black abyss.* [TheClearlyDope]
Yes, go on? [Mlkshk]

Meet Acer, the dwarf miniature horse. He's only 22 inches tall, is BFFs with a dog and likes to go to the pub. What a cool guy!  [TastefullyOffensive]

A$AP Rocky Calls For the Death of Fashion Streetwear in "Multiply"


A$AP Rocky is back with his first single in nearly two years, and he comes bearing a message. The rapper, known for wearing a $1000 Hermés scarf just to catch his sweat, wants to make it clear that he and his crew aren't "fashion killers;" They're "fashionable killers."

The difference, A$AP Rocky methodically raps on "Multiply," is that trendy, runway ready streetwear brands are the mark of a fake. In the video, the stylish rapper, along with Juicy J, fires fashionable shots at Been Trill and HBA, while flashing logos and middle fingers.

Watch A$AP Rocky's trill manifesto "Multiply," above.

Lindsay Lohan Is Back, Baby

lohanspeedtheplow.pngLast night's London's West End saw the theatrical debut of Lindsay Lohan with the official opening night of David Mamet's Speed the Plow. And Lilo, folks, is back.

The piece was David Mamet's Speed the Plow, perhaps most famous as the vehicle that provided Madonna's Broadway debut in 1988 (and also led to the great Jeremy Piven Sushi-gate of 2009). Being a senior citizen theater queen, I saw Madonna in the original production and she was surprisingly good in Mamet's story of three mildly repulsive movie business archetypes who wreak havoc on each other. Naturally Lohan has been bathed in the glare of relentless publicity of whether she'd be able to remember her lines (which she struggled with during previews), show up for eight performances a week and make the grade in the big leagues of live theater. She did all three last night.

We first see Lohan looking healthy and gorgeous in a Saint Laurent sexy secretary look. She's charming and believable as a temp filling in at the office of a movie executive. As the play goes on, Lohan peels back more and more layers. The deeper her performance got, the more impressed I was. Her costars Nigel Lindsay and Richard Schiff were also top drawer and the three played off each other beautifully. The Guardian said she gave, "a deftly delineated characterization." The Telegraph said she "made her stage debut with a surprising-and smoldering-degree of style."

Lohan earned waves of applause from the audience as she set off a gold glitter tube at the curtain call, showering the stage with squares of gold paper. Some might have come to watch a star who's struggled fall, but instead they were reminded that the 28-year-old is a good actress who can deliver.

The 10 Fugliest Celebrity Tattoos: A Ranking

Lady Gaga's fugly new tattoo of a 'monster claw' got us thinking about all of the other stars that have super embarrassing permanent reminders of when they were young, dumb, and full of fun (or money + boredom). Below, we round up ten of the best of the worst. Just Klownin 4-lyfe.

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 11.26.28 AM.png
[Photo via Instagram]

10. Miley Cyrus
This sad kitty looks more like a melted m&m or some kind of oral fungal infection but at least it's not normally visible to the naked eye.

scarletttatoo copy.jpg[Photo by Joe Schildhorn/BFAnyc.com]

9. Scarlett Johansson

We've never understood this one. Though it's not nearly as offensive as some of the other ink on this list, this 'sun and sea' splotch that looks like it came straight from a third grader's art project clashes with Scarlett's otherwise polished style.

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 11.35.34 AM.png[Photo via Instagram]

8. Justin Bieber
The Nintendo ghost on Bieber's arm is one of many, many permanent reminders he'll have when he's 50 of what a little tool he was.

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 11.54.28 AM.png7. Ryan Gosling
The newly-minted DILF isn't completely #flawless after all: he has this disgusting-looking tat that's supposed to be a "monster's hand dropping a bloody heart" but he did it himself with "a tattoo kit" so instead it just looks like a chicken foot covered in pubes.

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 11.40.57 AM.png6. Chris Brown
Chris Brown alleges that horrific neck tat is not supposed to resemble Rihanna after he beat her up, saying instead that's it's based off of a MAC drawing of a 'Day of the Day' design. But he's a shithead and that tattoo gives us the creeps so he made the list.

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 11.56.55 AM.png5. Janet Jackson
This tattoo of Minnie Mouse giving Mickey Mouse a BJ would be farther down the list if it weren't for the fact that it's in a 'private spot.' Way to keep it classy, Janet.

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 12.16.46 PM.png[via Instagram]
4. Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga's latest body art is a 'monster claw' in tribute to her fanbase -- the Little Monsters. Nice sentiment aside, it's freakin' huge and the fingers look weird and asparagus-like.

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 2.13.28 PM.png[via Instagram]

3. JR Smith
JR has some of the best-known ink in the NBA and we have a special soft spot -- and by soft spot we mean a mix of curiosity and disgust -- for his 'Just Klownin' tattoo. Get thee to The Gathering, JR!

Screen Shot 2014-10-03 at 11.19.09 AM.png2. Gucci Mane
One word: "Brrr."

steve_o_tattoo.jpg[Photo via Instagram]

1. Steve O
Steve O was almost going to top this list with his hilariously awful full-back tattoo portrait of himself until we spotted the red, white and blue winged dick on his bicep squirting jizz with "U.S.A." underneath. Way to be a true American, Steve O. You make us proud.

We're Not Embarrassed to Admit We Really, Really Like Willow Smith's New Song


Just days after her brother released a new 7-minute song, Willow Smith's gone ahead and dropped one of her own. "Your Love V2" is a surprisingly high quality single even if it is just a re-imagining of "Basic Space" by the xx. And, though it's a little surreal to listen to a 14 year old croon emotionally about love over the xx's signature moody beats, it's an impressively mature-sounding track for the 14-year-old and we are completely unembarrassed about liking it. Give it a listen, above.

Is 50 Cent Having A Mid-Life Crisis?

720x405-DS_JCD_0518_4357.jpgPhoto via "Dream School"

Curtis James Jackson III is heading back to class for the second season of Dream School, a reality TV show that gives troubled kids a second chance at graduating high school. The rapper's eager transition to the role of "Professor Jackson" somehow makes sense. With the way his career is going at the age of 39 (i.e. all over the place), it's clear that 50 Cent is having a major existential crisis. Who am I? Am I doing enough for the world? Is there more to life than partying like it's my birthday? are the hard-hitting questions that probably keep the entrepreneurial rapper up at night.

Recently, 50 Cent held a press event for his inner turmoil. "I started assessing my legacy and how I want people to remember me," the rapper told Rolling Stone. He explained that doesn't just want to be the "guy who made a couple cool songs or picked a couple of good roles in film and television." And, well, to say that 50 Cent only had a "couple cool songs" is a pretty accurate assessment -- the rapper has been steadily pushing out albums since 2003's Get Rich or Die Tryin' but none have been met with the same enthusiasm. Although, to his credit, 50 Cent is really tryin' -- his career has spanned everything from venture capitalism to children's books and yet, he's still grasping for something more.

Of his upcoming stint on the educational reality TV show, 50 Cent remarked that, "It's an opportunity to utilize your celebrity in the right way," and 50 Cent has been trying to figure out how to utilize his celebrity "in the right way" for a while now. In 2012, he penned the YA novel Playground, about a bullied kid with anger management issues. Previously, he co-authored a motivational book called The 50th Law, about his journey to success. And in addition to his inspirational words on paper, 50 Cent also frequently tweets about his volunteering efforts, including his generous tips to help frequent masturbators kick the habit. He knows the dangers of masturbation well, suffering from a skeletal muscle injury on his right shoulder from excessive use, but he doesn't limit his advice to his expertise:

It seems like all 50 Cent wants to do is change the world, in his own confused way. Dream School is only his most recent stab at trying to secure his legacy as one of the most haphazardly helpful celebrities. All of this, however, is severely undercut by the domestic violence charges that were weighed against him in 2013 and the controversy surrounding his homophobic tweets. Or, in his own words, "I am unfortunate because I'm a bad judge of character at points, but I am fortunate because I notice, so I reevaluate my decisions with people and then I move forward and continue my success." Yes, Curtis James Jackson is, quite literally, a flawed man but he's trying to right his wrongs -- starting by lifting America's youth upon his crippled shoulder.

Stream Childish Gambino's New Mixtape STN MTN/Kaui Featuring Jaden Smith

Yesterday, Childish Gambino (Donald Glover) dropped his follow-up mixtape to Because the Internet. STN MTN/Kaui -- out from the mixtape monolith, Gangsta Grillz -- features Twitter guru Jaden Smith, who just released a 7-minute single of his own.

The rapper has significantly mellowed out since he took the stage in Sydney earlier this summer, when he called out rappers Kendrick Lamar, Drake, and Schoolboy Q. "Nah, I ain't Drake," Gambino rapped. "I sing better." And while the truth of that verse up for debate, STN MTN/Kaui does feature a fair amount of singing. Gambino's new mixtape ranges from pop-ier love songs and Usher references to the rapper's customary posturing.

Download or Stream the mixtape here.