Can Cara Delevingne Act? Watch the Model Appear In Her First Starring Role

June 9, 2014, 2:00 pm

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Your favorite DGAF inspiration, Cara Delevingne, is on her way to becoming a triple threat: the model, who we already know can sing, landed her first starring role in Timeless, a made-for-TV movie about a woman (Delevingne) whose fiancé is a soldier serving in Afghanistan. The movie looks like your typical Lifetime Original Sob Story fare but Delevingne, whose first role was a bit part in Anna Karenina, seems surprisingly credible in it (at least judging by this 57 second snippet). And this isn't the only acting gig she's nabbed: the model is also appearing in a movie based off of the Amanda Knox case and we hear she's possibly been cast in a big Peter Pan adaption as well as a Weinstein Bros-produced flick called Tulip Fever that also features Prince Harry's ex, Cressida Bonas, and Daisy Lowe.

Watch Cara's big acting debut, above.

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Premiere: "Beautiful Stranger" by Miss Guy

June 9, 2014, 2:30 pm

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In their fish-eyed, MTV-premiered 2001 video for "Another Day In The Life," Miss Guy's band Toilet Böys channeled the leather-clad punk energy of the '80s. Over a decade later, the musician and DJ is still as glamorous as ever in his new music video for "Beautiful Stranger," a shoegaze-meets-Liz Phair number with a tinge of '90s throwback graphics. Like "God Save New York," Guy's collaboration with Debbie Harry, "Beautiful Stranger" uses extra low-fi special effects that could as easily have been hand-drawn as computer generated, and it's a nice departure from the glut of CGI-enhanced music videos we see all over the place. Scope "Beautiful Stranger" above while maybe painting your nails hot pink and wildly air-guitaring.

Lena Dunham and Sia Did a Very 'Performance Art' Rendition of "Chandelier" Last Night

June 10, 2014, 7:30 am

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Sia isn't showing her face these days, which means she's getting some help from friends when she performs songs off her forthcoming album 1000 Forms of Fear. Last night on Late Night with Seth Meyers, the singer got some help from Lena Dunham when played "Chandelier" and the result -- Dunham in a blonde bobbed wig and all white suit lip syncing the lyrics and doing some modern dance moves while Sia lies face down in a bed -- is very avant high school performance art. [Via Vulture]

Jimmy Fallon and Jennifer Lopez compete to see who can be the #1 tight pants-wearing person in all the land. Extra bonus points for their Dorothy Hamill bowl cuts. [via Tonight Show]
 Best Facebook "interests page" ever? [via Afternoon Snooze Button]

ICYMI: The Seattle Symphony took a page from the Marty and Bobbi Culp (of SNL fame) playbook and did an orchestral version of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back."

Our one and only Prince Charming. [via F You No F Me]

Oh hey it's a goose parade in the Netherlands. [via Tastefully Offensive]

Oh, you know, it's just Cyndi Lauper, Muhammed Ali, Liberace, Hulk Hogan and Wendi Richter chillin'. What did YOU do last night? [via This Is Not Porn]

Watch Nicki Minaj's Trippy New "Pills N Potions" Video

June 10, 2014, 10:00 am

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After giving us a little sneak peek last week, Nicki Minaj had released the full video for her beautiful, stripped down Pink Print ballad "Pills N Potions" and it's ... different. The video features Minaj crying rivers of metallic Terminator II tears, wearing bunny ears, and puffing on an e-cig. The Game stands in as the mystery man to the song is directed  at, only to be beheaded by Minaj. Oh, and there's a drumming bunny. Something for everyone. Watch it above.

Inside the Coolest Dinner Party In L.A.

June 10, 2014, 11:30 am

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Craig Thornton and Matthew Bone inside Cut Your Teeth

Craig Thornton was bored with restaurants. Matthew Bone was bored with art galleries. When the chef and the artist joined forces, they came up with Cut Your Teeth, an interactive art and food experience.

Cut Your Teeth, in its most recent incarnation, is a warehouse dinner party that just ended a six-week run in Los Angeles. Like an old school rave, attendees sought out the semi-secret location on an industrial-leaning block in the city. Unlike those old underground parties, guests were limited to a small handful of people for each seating and just about everyone arrived with a bottle of wine in hand. It's the classiest experience one could have inside a warehouse. It's also a fleeting one.

"It's a sandcastle," says Bone. "This ephemeral feeling is the most important thing that you can have."

Inside the space.

Previously, the two had collaborated on Cut Your Teeth last fall for a sold out, two-week stint at the Santa Monica Museum of Art. Thornton, who has been cooking for 12 years, was already known for Wolvesmouth, a dinner party he throws in various secret locations. Bone has shown at spots like CoproGallery and La Luz de Jesus. Despite their different fields, they share a similar aesthetic. They worked instinctively, without notes, to build the environment for the event. Together, Thornton and Bone have turned the warehouse into a forest that shifts seasons as viewers turn corners. Large and small taxidermy animals hide amongst thick, summer leaves or pop out out of snowy, winter scenes. Lights glow blue and gold. "They kind of match the color of the food," Thornton says of the lights.

Though they intentionally created spots within the space that would attract smart phone cameras, Thornton and Bone wanted to create something that you have to experience IRL. You can favorite the photos on Instagram or Twitter or Tumblr but Cut Your Teeth is still something that must be lived. It's an experiment in awkward situations. You're part of a very small group, most of whom are strangers, in an unfamiliar setting. For the next few hours, you'll share a nine-course meal at a communal table. At some point, you have to be social. You might find out that the person across from you relocated to L.A. from New York a few months ago or the person next to you is celebrating a milestone birthday.

The courses come out in quick succession. You don't know what you will eat until Thornton explains the dish in front of you. There's a vegetarian option and it's pretty similar to the regular meal, just with substitutions for the meat. Cauliflower stands in for venison. Jicama takes the place of crab. For the first course, we're instructed to eat with our hands. It's primal chic.

One of the courses.

They work with a definitive beginning and end for the installation. "As long as we have a framework, it can be like jazz and we can just kind of improvise the entire space," says Bone. Thornton's first and last dishes correspond with paintings by his partner while in the middle, he veers off into a meal similar to Wolvesmouth parties. Still, there's a connection between the food and the environment. Berries appear in several dishes. Venison and rabbit are also part of the feast. They are meals reminiscent of a forest and the colors in the dishes are coordinated with those found in the paintings. The greens and browns of the dishes are punctuated by squirts of purple, red and blue.

The first of two desserts is the Instagrammable highlight of the night. Underneath Bone's painting of a woman dripping in honey is a table filled with honeycomb-shaped bowls designed by Thornton. Inside each bowl is a dessert made from honey, dairy and fruit. Still, that isn't the end of the party. The second dessert -- pistachio cake served on an ice-trimmed plate -- comes with a set of goggles. After everyone finishes eating, we head to a corner filled with blue light, fog and fake snow sprinkling from the ceiling. One by one, we throw our plates at the wall. It's "a release," Thornton explains -- an "exclamation point" at the end of a nine-course meal.

Our broken plates.

Next up for the duo is Ceremony -- named for the Joy Division/New Order song -- which will be a larger-scale party. "It's also about the ceremony of going to a restaurant, the ceremony of going to an art opening, the ceremony of going to a club," Bone says. The event will feature an impressive roster of artists, with Shepard Fairey, Clive Barker and Alex Pardee amongst them. Jeremy Fox (Rustic Canyon) and Ori Menashe (Bestia) will join Thornton in the kitchen. "Create and curate," is how Thornton describes the dinner. "We're creating part of it, but we're also curating a larger field of professionals." They plan on serving 300 people per day for the two-day event.

Ceremony takes place on June 13 and 14 and is already sold out.

Beyonce's Selling Emoji Lyrics T-Shirts

June 10, 2014, 12:00 pm

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Perhaps inspired by that Drunk in Love emoji lyrics video that was everywhere a few months ago, Beyonce has released two emoji t-shirts on Beyonce.com. One t-shirt features surfer guy, a nod to the surfboard/bort mentioned in "Drunk in Love"  and the others has cherries, a reference to the chorus from "Blow."  Though both of these lyrics are about sex, you'd never know it from their innocuous design. Queen Bey's just looking out for the children. The t-shirts are $40 a pop and available here.

James Franco's Lindsay Lohan Short Story: The 15 Most Bonkers Lines

June 10, 2014, 1:30 pm

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[via Instagram]

James Franco published a short story on VICE's website today about his time as a resident at Chateau Marmont, and specifically, his faux-friendship with fellow Chateau inhabitant Lindsay Lohan. Because it's a "short story," we're supposed to assume at least some of this article is fictional. But, James, how can you write a "fictional" story yet drop all real names and super-plausible situations? Or is that the *mystery and allure* of Hollywood, when the edges between reality and drama blur when celebrity is thrown into the equation? Well, anyway, read the 15 most cuckoo quotes from the story and decide for yourself:

1. [Narrator/James Franco] "Which reminds me of a story Gus [Van Sant] later told me about River [Phoenix] in Portland, during preproduction. River was pulled over by the cops for wearing jeans with a hole in the front so big that his dick hung out."

That's a hell of an anecdote to start this piece.

2. [Narrator/James Franco] "There was a Hollywood girl staying at Chateau Marmont. She had gotten a key to my room from the manager."

But, like, isn't that very illegal? Is security not a priority at Chateau Marmont or do you just get to do whatever the fuck you want when you're a celebrity?

3. [Narrator/James Franco on Lindsay] "She said, 'Open the door, you bookworm punk blogger faggot.'"

Oh, Lindsay. Your pickup lines are killer.

4. [Narrator/James Franco] "This project ended when a bouncer put Harmony [Korine]'s leg on the curb and jumped on it."

Damn it, Franco. We're still reeling from your amputation scene in 127 Hours. Cool it with the sickening mental images.

5. [Lindsay Lohan to Narrator/James Franco] "'Do you think this is me? Lindsay Lohan. Say it. Say it, like you have ownership. It's not my name anymore.'"

Maybe this was intended to be *hot* but it really just came off as a red flag for a plethora of self-esteem issues.

6. [Narrator/James Franco] "Do you think I've created this? This dragon girl, lion girl, Hollywood hellion, terror of Sunset Boulevard, minor in the clubs, Chateau Demon? Do you think this is me?"

Honestly, James, we didn't think it was you. But thou doth protest too much, and now we're thinking of all the possible ways you've influenced Lindsay's demise. LEAVE LINDSAY ALONE.

7. [Narrator/James Franco] "And out my window, above the red ceramic tiles of the Spanish roofs, just to the left, was the billboard owned by Gucci, so close it was essentially part of the hotel, and on it was my oversize face, for, you see, I was a model for their fragrances, clothes, and eyewear."

This could really be a scene out of Sofia Coppola's Somewhere. Franco is literally the best friend Sofia and Gia Coppola ever had, feeding them material for Somewhere and Palo Alto, respectively.

8. [Narrator/James Franco on J.D. Salinger's Nine Stories] "And there's the little girl in the story, Sibyl, and the pale suicide, Seymour, who kisses her foot and talks about bananafish with her, those fantastic phallic fish who stick their heads in holes and gorge themselves--it should be called 'A Perfect Day for Dickfish' -- and then, bam, he shoots himself."

Is this whole piece an extended metaphor for men gorging themselves on Lindsay and creating the terror of Sunset Boulevard? 

9. [Narrator/James Franco on J.D. Salinger and his affairs with young women] "After that, after he fucked them, they were no longer the innocent ones running through the rye to be caught before they went over the cliff. They had gone over, and he had been the one to push them."

Maybe I'm grasping for straws, but it seems like Franco is comparing his Palo Alto character, Mr. B, to Salinger. Perhaps Franco is distracting us with Lindsay and this whole piece is promotional literature for his new film, which continues to open in more theaters each week.

10. [Lindsay Lohan to Narrator/James Franco] "'I took two Oxycontins and things got bad. The DJ was this bearded dude named Paul. I remember requesting Journey's 'Don't Stop Believin'.' I remember sitting back down, and I remember trying to speak up, to talk to that cute boy in a red gingham shirt, James."

Why is Lindsay requesting 'Don't Stop Believin'" at Bungalow 8, though? Oxy really does cause her to make absurd life choices.

11. [Lindsay Lohan to Narrator/James Franco] "'I fucked one of the Greeks instead: a big-schnozzed, big-dicked, drunk motherfucker. We did it in the bath. That was the best night of my life.'"

Jesus, Lindsay. We're so sure you've had better nights than that.

12. [Narrator/James Franco] "So how would she ever stop the craziness when the response to her work and the response to her life had converged into one? Two kinds of performance, in film and in life, had melted into one."

So it goes. We're still waiting patiently for her to crawl out of the rabbit hole she drunkenly tripped into in 2006.

13. [Narrator/James Franco] "So if life is your grand performance, have you made good choices?"

Franco asks these thought-provoking questions while simultaneously assuring us throughout the piece that he didn't fuck Lindsay. You're probably thinking, "But James, you were on her fuck list!" We're confused, too.

14. [Narrator/James Franco on Lindsay Lohan] "Instead of fucking her, I read her a short story about a neglected daughter."

We know you had good intentions, James, but maybe this wasn't the best move to comfort daddy-issue-addled Lindsay.

15. [A "demon voice" speaking to the Narrator/James Franco] "Do all. You are immortal and live on forever, on the screens and in the minds of the peoples. Your physical self lives above their heads, in the dream hotels, in the chateaus of rarefied space, and your spirit inhabits their minds, while your teeth and cock feed on their bodies."

Just...weird. Lindsay totally slipped him a drug that made him have a crazy dream.

Watch Cara Delevingne and Suki Waterhouse Prance Around In This New Burberry Vid

June 10, 2014, 2:30 pm

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While Patrick Wolf's "The Magic Position" strums in the background, Cara Delevingne, Bradley Cooper's girlfriend Suki Waterhouse, Malaika Firth and a dashing trio of male models (Callum Ball, Tarun Nijjer and Oli Green) shoot looks that could kill and prance around in khaki trenches, hand-painted coats and flowing silk scarves and shirt dresses. Nope, this isn't a Vine from Glastonbury -- it's Burberry's newest campaign film. And. we. want. everything. Scope the clip, above.

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Dave Chappelle Opens Up About Life After Quitting His Show

June 11, 2014, 7:40 am

≫ Next: Listen to RiFF RAFF's "TiP TOE WiNG iN MY JAWWWDiNZ"

≪ Previous: Watch Cara Delevingne and Suki Waterhouse Prance Around In This New Burberry Vid

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Dave Chappelle was on David Letterman last night and gave a great interview about where the F he's been for the past decade and what happened to his show. It's so good.


Here's the "Dumb and Dumber To" trailer. It features an old lady with a dusty vagina and a cat named "Butthole." We've got low expectations for this.


Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels were on the Tonight Show last night and did a "Real People, Fake Arms" sketch. Jim Carrey making a cheese burger with mannequin hands = hilarious. This should have been the Dumb and Dumber To trailer.
 


Um, a few things:
1) This is a song called "Dogs (Barking at Me)" by a group called "Gossip Boys."
2) It was supposedly directed by someone named "Barron Roth," who claims to be cousin to Asher Roth. OK, great.
3) It is absolutely horrifying.
4) It is probably not real ,and maybe a Jimmy Kimmel prank or SOMETHING. Anything. This can't be legit.
5) We kind of like it. Oh god, what is happening to us? [Via Uproxx]


Pug will tear us apart. [Mlkshk]

It's like that and like this and like that. [FYeahDementia]

Meet the man who yells, "hey" in indie folk songs. Busy guy. [TastefullyOffensive]

Listen to RiFF RAFF's "TiP TOE WiNG iN MY JAWWWDiNZ"

June 11, 2014, 10:00 am

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RiFF RAFF recently released another new song from his upcoming NEON iCON album (out June 24), "TiP TOE WiNG iN MY JAWWWDiNZ," and it reminds us of what we'd listen to if we were balling out in a club in Orlando. With lyrics such as "I'm from California but I done moved to Texas, my bad I'm dyslexic in the four-door mango Lexus," we could use a little help figuring out what the F he's saying. Have a listen, below, and interpret for yourself.

Bonus Urkel/Full House Insta-Video:

Top 10 Must-See Events At Northside Festival

June 11, 2014, 10:30 am

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Talib Kweli. (Photo by Chance Yeh/PatrickMcMullan.com)

Over the past five years, the Northside Festival has gone from being a plucky little outer-borough music event to Brooklyn's own answer to SXSW -- albeit with less of a focus on charcoal-grilled meats. The festival takes place over the course of eight days in Kings County (you thought one puny week could contain this?), featuring a film festival, technology panels and lots and lots of music. This year's artists include Talib Kweli, Albert Hammond Jr., Chvrches and soul singer Charles Bradley to name a few, plus DJ sets by the likes of Questlove and Animal Collective. It's a lot to take in, but here's a good place to get started.

The Next Industrial Revolution
Fortune writer Erin Griffith interviews Bre Pettis, co-founder and CEO of the Brooklyn-based consumer 3D printing powerhouse Makerbot. Over the past five years, the company has grown from a DIY project to arguably the best-known name in the world of 3D printing, devoted to bringing the next industrial revolution to home desktops.
Wythe Hotel Event Space, 80 Wythe Ave., June 12th 2:30PM

Talib Kweli, Res, NIKO IS
The legendary emcee and one-half of hip-hop super-duo Black Star, Talib Kweli, returns home to Brooklyn, accompanied by a nine-piece orchestra and his frequent collaborator, Philadelphia indie-soul singer Res.
Brooklyn Bowl, 61 Wythe Ave., June 12th 6PM, $15 Advance, $20 Day of

Downloaded: The Story of Napster Screening
One-time Wyld Stallyn Alex Winter directed this look at the file-sharing service that completely upended the music industry, pulling together interviews with everyone from Henry Rollins to former RIAA head honcho, Hilary Rosen.
Wythe Theater, 80 Wythe Ave., June 16th, 7PM Free with RSVP

Sharon Van Etten, Shilpa Ray
If there's a moral to Sharon Van Etten's story, it's this: when someone from TV on the Radio tells you to move to New York to pursue a career in music, you do it. Van Etten got those words of encouragement after handing a CD-R of her work to TVOTR's Kyp Malone, leaving a string of stunning, critically acclaimed solo records in her wake.
Music Hall of Williamsburg, 66 North 6th St., June 12th 8PM, $20

Animal Collective DJ Set
We can't tell you for sure which particular animals will be collecting after hours at Brooklyn's swankiest bowling alley, but it's sure going to be worth the $10, whoever it is. And besides, new state laws mandate that you see at least one member of AC live once a year in order to maintain residence in Brooklyn -- and it's already June.
Brooklyn Bowl, 61 Wythe Ave., June 13th, 11PM $10 Advance, $12 Day of

The Past is a Grotesque Animal Screening
A Kickstarter-funded documentary focused on the weirdest band of weirdos, The Past is a Grotesque Animal explores the life and times of Of Montreal and its frontman Kevin Barnes, who has remained at the group's core throughout nearly two decades of ever-evolving psychedelic strangeness.
Nitehawk Cinema, 136 Metropolitan Ave., June 19th 7:30PM $13

Thee Oh Sees, Blind Shake, King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard
The San Francisco psych-noisemakers leave the garage and head to the early-summer sunshine of McCarren Park.
McCarren Park, June 14th 2PM, Free w/ RSVP

Dead Milkmen, Rasputina, MC Breath
You kicked yourself for not going to see them the first time around -- or maybe you just called up your parents and cursed them out for not having had you earlier. Either way, punk's funniest band has gotten back together to finally end your on-going cycle of torment.
Warsaw, 261 Driggs Ave, June 14th, 7PM, $25

Swearin', Radiator Hospital, Flesh Wounds, Bent Shapes
Swearin's 2012 self-titled debut was good, but dammit if the Philadelphia band didn't blow if out of the water with the ray of indie-pop sunshine that was last year's Surfing Strange.
Glasslands, 289 Kent Ave., June 15th, 9PM, $12

Our Vinyl Weighs a Ton Screening
Since 1996, LA-based Stones Throw Records has been one of underground hip-hop's most influential labels. Featuring interviews with Kayne West, Mike D, Tyler the Creator and more, this doc attempts to pin down one of music's most important and hardest to define labels.
Wythe Theater, 80 Wythe Ave., June 19th 8PM, $13

Casey Jane Ellison Launches a Cult and a T-shirt Line

June 11, 2014, 1:10 pm

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Casey Jane Ellison of VFILES' "WHAT THE F*SHION" has ascended from her humble roots as a deeply hilarious, dryer-than-bone-dry video style commentator to being the leader of her very own t-shirt cult. In Ellison's newest video, we find her flanked by her loyal Casey-ites with names like "Feminisha" and "Soy," each proudly wearing their very own Charles Manson mugshot-esque graphic tee of Casey's face. "Everyone wants salvation, they just don't know how to get it. This is how," Ellison promises, with an eerie yet comedic futurism that evokes Ryan Trecartin's cultish "Center Jenny." And, for a mere $65 and your freedom, you too can be part of the Casey Cult. It's hypnotically compelling and, as is the case with all her videos, brilliant and hilarious cultural critique. I'm not sure how I found myself at the online checkout of caseyisyourcult.com, but all I know now is I want that t-shirt.

P.S. You can also catch Ellison performing at White Columns gallery this weekend. How blessed are we right now? Details here.

10 Celebrities Who Should Never Die

June 11, 2014, 1:40 pm

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Celebrity deaths usually come in threes, so I'm constantly bracing myself for the news that another trio of my favorites has gone up to that red carpet in the sky. But there are certain stars who I've decided must never pass on in any combination -- not unless you want to rip all sense and meaning out of my life and stomp on it, then toss it to the gutter. They are:


1) Liza Minnelli

Liza is an old-school, good-time celebrity who's always on and who thinks everything's terrific, everyone she meets is her best friend, and maybe Tuesday will be her good news day. That kind of razzmatazz in the face of some of the horrors she's had to deal with is fabulously uplifting and desperately needed at all times. Bottle this woman now!

2) Cher

The one-named legend has been doing her farewell tour for about 30 years now, and I hope it continues for centuries to come. Cher, 68, is a unique and exciting life force who's conquered all media (and a lot of men) and who can dart her tongue as dexterously as she did in the "I Got You, Babe" days. If you've never seen her enter in concert atop a papier mache elephant, dressed in elaborate Indian garb, you haven't lived. People always quip, "After the apocalypse, there will only be Cher and cockroaches." I think she'll even outlive the bugs.

3, 4) Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr

The remaining half of the ultimate rock group, the Beatles, these two are a living embodiment of the cultural earthquake that happened when rock 'n' roll electrified the world and changed hairstyles forever. In honor of what they brought, they must never depart this life. To quote one of the Beatles songs, "You say goodbye and I say hello." Similarly, old crooners like Tony Bennett must never say "Ciao" (because of the rich history of showmanship that they represent), nor should punk icons like Johnny Rotten and Iggy Pop ever croak, because they've already proven that creative angst doesn't need to be self-destructive and they should be allowed to keep doing so, screaming all the way to the bank. Oh, and David Bowie should always stay here, and Tina Turner and Patti Smith and...I'll shut up now.

5) Dame Maggie Smith

Currently telling scat jokes at Escuelita every Tuesday...No, wait, that's my introduction for Lady Bunny. Sorry, I get my titled ladies confused. As for Dame Maggie, she's class personified and adds a witty luster to everything she appears in (like Downton Abbey). This is not the kind of actress that can be replaced via assembly line--or via anything. I'd love to see her perform at Escuelita, actually.

6) Diana Ross

The 1960s Motown star of the Supremes (the original Destiny's Child), Diana went on to solo superstardom in the '70s, en route to a permanent station in the stratosphere of dazzling entertainers. Di's skinny, pretty face and bulging eyes have always represented the quintessence of show biz sparkle. I'll never forget when it rained on her Central Park concert in 1983 and everyone stampeded out of there to safety, while I sat still for a few seconds more, just to watch my lady in action. ("Don't be afraid of the rain! It helps the flowers to grow!") She's survived the weather, losing the Oscar to Liza, and some other mishaps, and I pray she'll keep shimmying into eternity, always "The Boss."

7) Meryl

 No, I don't even need to put the last name. And by any name, we need this icon to stick around until the day after forever. We somehow managed to let Bette, Kate, and Joan get away, but surely a world without Meryl would implode, devoid of her infinite artistry and wonderful acceptance speeches. As she advances to thousands of years old and then some, Meryl's range would get even wider and she'd start to play all sorts of wizened men, aged extraterrestrials, and frisky armadillos. Her work will never die, and she shouldn't either.

8) Luise Rainer
The oldest living celebrity I can think of, Rainer, 104, is the German-born Austrian actress who won back-to-back Academy Awards for 1936's The Great Ziegfeld and the next year's The Good Earth. She was dubbed "the Viennese teardrop," but found that winning two Oscars was a curse because expectations were too high and audiences could only be disappointed. She was sort of the original Hilary Swank. Anyway, if Luise ever passes, the next oldest living celebrity would be Eli Wallach, and I'm not sure he could withstand that kind of pressure.

Photo by Harper Smith.

9) Laverne Cox
Because I want the world to eventually evolve enough so we can finally have our first female President.

10) Betty White
Duh.

Uzo Aduba's Orange Is the New Black Audition Tape Leaks

June 11, 2014, 3:00 pm

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Uzo Aduba, the irresistibly sweet and somewhat batshit Suzanne Warren AKA "Crazy Eyes/" from Orange Is The New Black, has been re-imagined by Funny Or Die as virtually every character from the show, from Piper Chapman to the mute Norma, complete with respective accents, wigs, and props.

It's safe to say that Aduba was cast in the best role for her: her adaptation of Taystee is more Anna Paquin in True Blood, her Poussey more Lil Wayne (or Lil Jon) than anything, but the "leaked" audition is as enthralling as the poetic tangents her character takes, begging the question of where Uzo Aduba ends and Crazy Eyes begins. Watch below and check out our interview with her here.

Bill Murray Strikes Again!

June 12, 2014, 8:30 am

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Bill Murray crashed a young couple's engagement photo in Charleston, South Carolina this weekend, because BILL MURRAY. Per the photographer, who turned when he noticed his subjects were distracted, " I turn around and it's Bill Murray with his shirt up, belly out, tapping his belly and trying to make them laugh." [Jezebel]


Christopher Walken tells a story about meeting Clint Eastwood for the first time in the most Christopher Walken way possible. [Uproxx]


Just a pug wedding. Please carry on. [Uproxx]

We would have drawn on windows and made tiny curtains but otherwise this is FINE. [TastefullyOffensive]

Can't you taste this gold? [YeaOkForSure]

Oh dear. [Hypervocal]

Work and serve, Ms. Fred! [TastefullyOffensive]

1 more work day, 1 more work day! [Mlkshk]

---

Urban Outfitters Opens a Shoe Boutique in Herald Square Store

June 12, 2014, 10:50 am

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For anyone who's ever waded through the vast sea of Urban Outfitter's online shoe collection, narrowed it down a small number of glittery Birkenstocks or JuJu jellies, then visited your nearest IRL store to actually try them on, only to find it's not in stock, you may start your engines. Urban Outfitters opened a shoes-only boutique within their mega-huge new Herald Square "Lifestyle store" at 1333 Broadway (at 36th St.), that featuers 40 brands and 250 styles, along with a Frye Boot pop up shop in their 3,000 square foot space. It's pretty much a young hipster Carrie Bradshaw's wet dream, filled with Dr. Martens, Adidas, Jeffrey Campbells, and more. It's sure to save many New Yorkers from future shoe-mergencies, particularly when it comes to the terror-inducing moment of selecting your shoe size based off of the comments from a reviewer halfway across America. The store will feature the largest collection of shoes of any Urban Outfitters in the country, so if you can't find it there, it's probably not meant to be.

South Williamsburg Cocktail Bar Donna Rises From the Ashes

June 12, 2014, 11:40 am

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After opening in April 2012, the South Williamsburg cocktail bar Donna scarcely had time to bask in the Best Bar/Lounge Paper Magazine Nightlife Award it garnered that year before a freak electrical fire shut it down last November. It's been a tough time for co-owner Leif Young Huckman and his team, but the bar -- an elegantly cozy spot on a rapidly developing wedge of South Williamsburg bordered by the East River and the Williamsburg Bridge -- is finally serving up its proprietary cocktails again and will officially re-open this Saturday. We stopped by last month, when the place was still crawling with builders, and asked Huckman about the new-and-improved bar, the neighborhood and, most important, the secret to a mind-blowing Cuba libre.

Are you making any changes to the cocktail menu?

We decided to double up on our cocktail list so it's 20 long instead of 10. Five of them are large-format: three are coming out of a draft, one is coming out of the frozen-drink machine and we're going to offer one or two large-format punch drinks that people would have to order 24 hours in advance.

And those are all Donna exclusives?

Donna exclusives, yeah. Jeremy Oertel has always been my beverage manager, and it was always his cocktail list.

What's your favorite drink off the new list?

We wanted to do a Cuba libre in a draft version, so to do that we decided that rather than get the disgusting Coke syrup, we're going to make our own house cola. Which is pretty challenging because Coke is such a distinctive flavor, but they found a recipe and we tweaked it out, added a little bit of citric acid and made one of the most delicious Cuba Libres I've ever tasted.

Oh my god.

With the bar in general, it's always been trying to find a balance between a high-volume bar and cocktail bar. And what I've come up with most recently is that It's basically a superior cocktail bar without a superior attitude. We want people to feel welcome and have fun, but we also want to make excellent drinks.

So if you compared it to one of the Sasha Petraske places...

Well, if you put it in the context of Petraske, the gimmickry that came along with what he was doing had a place, because he was acknowledging a history in cocktail making. But then the people who came along after that had more gimmick than substance. Over time, that's become played out -- I don't necessarily need to go through a phone booth or whatever to have a good drink. In general I just want a comfortable space, but I think many of my generation have grown an appreciation for a beverage where a dive bar isn't always going to cut it. You need to be able to get both of those things in a single environment. I was trained at Freeman's and Gold Bar and Socialista by people who worked directly with Sasha, so I was very lucky. And from that ethos and working with Jeremy, who had the same pedigree, we're creating drinks that have a connection to original recipes and the reasons why they were made the way they were made.

I remember a killer party or two here. What kind of stuff will you be hosting now?

First and foremost, I want to bring Donna back. We want to be certain that we're comfortable in the space and everything gets set up the way we want it, and then we'll reintroduce the food. Brooklyn Taco is coming back; it basically operates like a truck but they cook off-premises and then they bring their food to Donna. Cocktails and tacos: a total no-brainer. The next element we might want to do is a coffee program in the daytime. We get really beautiful sunlight. And then programming at night will continue. We like utilizing local DJs rather than names; we really want to create an environment for people to hang out with each other as opposed to creating like a venue. But we're also upgrading the sound system.

There wasn't nearly as much happening on this block when you first opened, right?

It's been two years since I started building out the bar. We were open for a year and a half. In that time, our only neighbors -- besides Marlow & Sons and Diner, which were there far before us -- were OTB and Motorino, which had recently opened up down the street. After the fire, Baby's All Right and this huge supermarket [Urban Market of Williamsburg] opened up. The condominium right next to Marlow & Sons opened late November, early December. And there's a huge development to the left of us, and the Domino Sugar Factory, and the Williamsburg Savings Bank is now an event space, and they're building a luxury hotel right next to it.

You used to work at Marlow & Sons, right?

Diner was the pioneer in South Williamsburg, and then Marlow & Sons followed. But the one thing those places don't have are cocktails; they're more wine- and beer-driven. When I was working over there, I had a lot of fun playing with cocktails and putting them on their menus, but I thought that what the neighborhood could use -- and I lived in South Williamsburg for five years -- was a cocktail bar. If you're going to take a girl out to dinner at Marlow, where do you go afterwards? Taking that stroll toward the water, it doesn't feel like there's a ton of activity here. And to open that door and see a magical little space...

Best date-night ever.

Exactly.

Ryan Hemsworth's "One For Me" Video Is Beautifully ... Boring

June 12, 2014, 12:20 pm

≫ Next: Meet the 32 Soccer Players Vying to Be the Hottest Guy In the World Cup

≪ Previous: South Williamsburg Cocktail Bar Donna Rises From the Ashes

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To an outsider, Canadian DJ Ryan Hemsworth's lifestyle seems untouchably cool--jet setting from hotel to hotel and performing for crowds of screaming fans--but his latest video, "One For Me," featuring the sultry vocals of R&B singer Tinashe, suggests a more mundane reality.

Hemsworth teamed up with director Martin C. Pariseau to create "the most boring music video of 2014," and the result is certainly lackluster, but finds power in its subtleties. He spends evenings alone in a dimly lit hotel room, falls asleep in an empty bed, eats room service breakfast alone and takes dips in the pool alone. When he drives his white convertible Lamborghini throughout Montreal, he yawns and when he takes off in a flashy helicopter, he seems entirely uninterested.

A powerful closing shot and blatant commentary on our society's obsession with technology, "One For Me" ends with a laptop thrown on the ground in flames. To Hemsworth, it seems fame and fortune both come with a price tag: Isolation.

Meet the 32 Soccer Players Vying to Be the Hottest Guy In the World Cup

June 12, 2014, 12:45 pm

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Click to enlarge image

Fact: Soccer players are hotties and hotties are soccer players. And nowhere is there a greater concentration of baes than at the World Cup, when chiseled, stubbled, floppily coiffed players from 32 different countries converge on Brazil for a month. (As if they needed more hunks.)

While we'll leave the incisive sports analysis to our friends over at ESPN, we've decided to make our own tournament bracket for -- that's right -- the 'Hottest Player In the World Cup.' We've picked the biggest cutie from each of the 32 different teams participating and, like the Cup itself, separated them into eight different groups with four players each. But because this is PAPER -- and not FIFA -- deciding the groups, we divided the guys into categories based on their prevailing hot dude features: Beards, Clean Shaven, Long Hair, Buzzed Heads, Metrosexuals, Tattoos, Williamsburg Haircut, and Hot Guy Next Door. Throughout the next month, we'll be pitting these guys head-to-head, perfectly-sculpted cheekbone-to-perfectly sculpted cheekbone and eliminating the competition until only one mega babe remains.

Below, ogle the playing field.

Group A:

Nicolas N'Koulou, Defender for Cameroon

C'mon now, look at that tousled hair and smoldering -- yet aloof -- stare!

Mario Yepes, Defender for Colombia

Mario seems like the kind of guy who probably uses $50 shampoo and we're totally okay with that. Points for his Jesus vibes.

Graham Zusi, Midfielder for U.S.

While his shaggy locks are the main focus here, can we also direct your attention to his perfectly square handsome-guy cartoon character jaw?

Miiko Albornoz, Defender for Chile

Miiko looks like the type of guy who will love you and leave you and also looks really nice in a three-piece suit. Loves to day drink, but is looking at his texts on the reg. Actually, get out of here, Miiko. Just kidding, come back Miiko.

Group B:

Adam Kwarasey, Goalkeeper for Ghana

Gaze for days.

Glen Johnson, Defender for England

We swoon over guys like Glen who have such a versatile hair game (though prefer the close crop). Five o' clock shadow tells you it's time to DO IT WITH HIM.

Jerry Bengtson, Forward for Honduras

More like Jerry BANGtson.

Vincent Enyeama, Goalkeeper for Nigeria

Vincent is #FIERY and is pointing at the poolside cabana where you are going to make out with him later. Thanks for the directions, kid.

Group C:

Cristiano Ronaldo, Forward for Portugal

Of course we had to put Ronaldo in here. Even with that douche-y look on his face, we'd never pass up some 'relaxing time' with him.

Hotaru Yamaguchi, Midfielder for Japan

The bleached hair is giving us (very welcome) throwbacks to 1999.

Neymar, Forward for Brazil

There is so much going on with Neymar's look, from the double piercings to the razor-cut hair to the stubble to the wrist tattoo. It's like 2004 is just going and going and going forever. You'd probably have to listen to a LOT of Panic at the Disco hanging out with this dude, so that's something to seriously consider here.

Eduardo, Forward for Croatia

Eduardo is EXACTLY the kind of guy you want to meet at a beach club somewhere, marvel at his tastefully manicured brows, and then never talk to again.

Group D:

Carl Medjani, Defender for Algeria

Even if you aren't into sleeves, still: Dem cheekbones.

Ezequiel Lavezzi, Forward for Argentina

Ezequiel could probably bench press you but would cry about EVERYTHING.

Tim Cahill, Forward for Australia

Tim forgot to hug you today. Here he comes! Get ready!

Claudio Marchisio, Midfielder for Italy

THOSE EYES THO.

Group E:

Boubacar Barry, Goalkeeper for Côte d'Ivoire

We'd be happy to console Boubacar any time.

Ehsan Hajsafi, Midfielder for Iran

We're getting major "that-hottie-on-the-L-train-you-always-lock-eyes-with" vibes from Ehsan.

Gabriel Achilier, Defender for Ecuador

Props to Gabriel's way elaborate facial hair and even more props to his perfectly symmetrical features.

Gerard Pique, Defender for Spain

Mr. Shakira can call us, uh, "whenever wherever." (Sorry.)

Group F:

Francisco Rodriguez, Defender for Mexico

How can you resist Francisco?!

Fabian Schär, Defender for Switzerland

Fabian would probably ask you to watch him wash his car and weird stuff like that, but, OK, fine.

Luis Suarez, Forward for Uruguay

Luis looks like a real fun guy who would laugh at literally everything you said and call you "girl."

Robin Van Persie, Forward for the Netherlands

Robin is a hot, intense guy with the sweetest little nugget of a name. Robin! Boop!

Group G:

Panagiotis Kone, Midfielder for Greece

He looks like he should be in a Dolce&Gabbana ad. *A Dolce&Gabbana underwear ad.*

Toby Alderweireled, Defender for Belgium

Totally getting "parched dude who doesn't believe in sunscreen, raging on McCarren's hipster beach with his guys after winning the softball game" vibes from him.

Tino Sven Susic, Midfielder for Bosnia and Herzegovina

Tino is a hot name. He'd hold the door for you and shit.

Olivier Giroud, Forward for France

I can't hear you because I'm hot. (But maybe I also look a little like that one guy from Color Me Badd, which, you know, some people might be into. No judgements here.)

Group H:

Celso Borges, Midfielder for Costa Rica

Something tells us Celso has a secret sensitive side.

Manuel Neuer, Goalkeeper for Germany

Manuel is just a normal hang-out kind of dude who might finally get into sailing one day and will never let anyone talk bad about his family.

Park Chu-young, Forward for Korea

Park looks like a real cute, nice guy who all your friends will approve of. He likes snacks and quiet afternoons.

Maksim Kanunnikov, Forward for Russia

Maksim doesn't have time for pretty boy antics and we approve of his normal, hot butch dude look.

You'll Never Believe Our 5 Favorite Headlines from The Onion's New Site, Clickhole

June 12, 2014, 3:00 pm

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Today, The Onion launched its new website, Clickhole -- a so-genius-it-make-you-angry parody of the Buzzfeed-type quizzes and list-articles that you've seen and done a thousand times (if you were wondering which Disney Princess I am, I'm Jasmine).

The site - in a genius move of self-reference - is prominently sponsored by Jack Link's Beef Jerky. It all adds up to be the classic Onion cross-section between comedy and pointed social-commentary. With the recent trend of blatant click-baiting sites like Upworthy et. al. scorching across email chains and Facebook threads, it was only a matter of time before The Onion put their spin on it. Now start clicking. You'll never believe what happens next. Yay ad-revenue!


7 Pricks Who Defied The Odds And Didn't Go Into Finance

Bro pound to the assholes who don't work in FiDi! (Am I an asshole for calling it FiDi? Who cares, just click it!)

16 Pictures Of Beyoncé Where She's Not Sinking In Quicksand

Beyoncé would still look amazing even if she was slowly being suffocated by quicksand. Keep clicking!

Quiz: Is Your Dad Proud Of You?

L.O.L.! It's true! MORE CLICKING NOW.

10 Hilarious Chairs That Think They're People

Who doesn't love chairs?! I know I do! Ha ha! DON'T YOU FUCKING STOP CLICKING. WE DRINK FROM THE POISONOUS AD-REVENUE MAMMARY GLAND. IT SUSTAINS US.

Yep. He Went There.

No way! Wow, no he did not! Can you believe it? You'd better not! NOW GO BACK TO THE HOMEPAGE AND CLICK SOME MORE I SWEAR TO GOD OR ELSE.