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All the posts on www.papermag.com.

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    pizzzz.jpg

    (photo via The Hollywood Reporter)

    Nic Pizzolatto, the True Detective showrunner, is, among other things, a bit of a shmuck who defensively insults intelligent criticism about the show's treatment of women. But those things would ordinarily just be a reason to harbor mild disdain for Pizzolatto if he were not also treated as some sort of Last Man Standing deity with a "brilliant mind" (including a ridiculous PR "interview" by HBO, bypassing the presence of actual, um, questions).

    Enter Rich Cohen's Vanity Fair profile of Pizzolatto, one of the most fawning pieces of writing I've seen in... well... ever. The terms used here to describe a guy who made a TV show with Matthew McConnaughey (including "the writer as crusader, chronicler of love and depravity") should be reserved for, like, war heroes, or at least Susan Sontag. There are highlights from the piece here via Vulture, but the best part is when Cohen claims Pizzolatto has "the aura of a bear or some other species of dangerous animal."

    Well, which bear? We went through a few famous fictional bears and tried to understand the ways in which the guy who made True Detective embodied their auras. (For these and other possibilities, check out Flavorwire's list of the best fictional bears.)



    Fozzie Bear
    This is an easy one -- "waka waka waka" is what all of the True Detective dialogue sounds like if you either listen to it for long enough or are simply uninterested in cliches.

    Grumpy.jpg
    Grumpy Bear
    Grumpy Bear pretends to hate happiness, but really all he wants is for people to love him. Why can't you just let other people into your heart Nic Pizzolatto? Why do you have to prove to everyone how "smart" you are all the time? Wipe that storm cloud off your belly and come join the rest of us Care Bears.



    Smokey the Bear
    Feels compelled to mansplain things to children (and women). Overprotective of a cartoon version of nature. Seems like he would really enjoy walking around without a shirt on. Appears unbidden to voice his opinion.



    Yogi Bear
    Perpetually hungry -- but instead of for pie, it's for stories that turn women into one-dimensional characters existing solely to make men look more important.


    The Coca-Cola Bear
    Doofus trying to sell some sickly sweet bullshit.

    Update: An intrepid and true detective has alerted us to the secret existence of the Yellow King within Nic Pizzolatto's clouded, mysterious, and deeply edgy aura. Let all bow before him, as he begins his great and terrible reign of destruction.

    yellow king.jpg


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    kardashians-enjoy-christmas-eve-celebrations.jpg
    Yesterday, Brody Jenner posted a now-deleted explicit illustration on Instagram that some say looks a little too much like his younger sister Kylie, who just happens to currently be dating the 25-year-old rapper, Tyga. In it, a woman appears to be receiving oral sex from a...tiger. Deeply NSFW image below.

    Screen Shot 2015-06-12 at 11.40.08 AM.png
    However, his girlfriend says it's all just an honest mistake, as he thought the "Licking for my keys" caption was funny and he was just looking for potential memes to use on t-shirts. The  woman in Isabel Samara's "Burning Bright-Lick" bearing a remarkable resemblance to Kylie was just a weird coincidence. Hm.

    According to a salt-grain-sized "source" who talked to Hollywood Life, Brody's supposedly "been pretty vocal about not approving of Kylie's relationship with Tyga, but he doesn't have any say in it," the source goes on to detail. "He gets so frustrated because no one in the family listens to him." Let's hope this was all just a deeply coincidental, very, very bad joke, since, you know, no one, even the family you're so protective of, has to get your explicit approval to do anything. After all, if he's allowed to be a "sex connoisseur" with an upcoming talk show called Sex With Brody, who exactly is he to tell Kylie to keep her legs together?

    h/tJezebel

    [Click here for more]


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    kanyeqa1.jpgIt's been a great few weeks for Kanye and basketball. After Kim rented out the entire Staples Center for his celebrity-filled birthday, he's gotten the opportunity to do a real-life post-game interview -- during the NBA Finals, no less -- as the sweetest person to grace the podium since Riley Curry. Check out the clip below (via The Fader), in which Kanye reiterates that he just has to get ready for the next game.

    When was the last time you saw him this carefree?

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY YE

    A video posted by TRACEY MILLS (@godsmessenger) on


    Oh, yeah. Maybe there's a reason his next album is called SWISH.

    [Click here for more]


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    Not long ago, I wrote up the most nightmarish club kids in history, and the complaints started coming in: "How on earth could you forget this one?" and "How the hell could you leave out that one?" Easy: Because there are a lot of them to choose from! After all, we're dealing with the entire history of clubbing, a legend filled with way more kooky people than you can shake a drink ticket at. And we're not just talking nightmares, we're dealing with all manner of off-center, fascinating, and at times admittedly irritating clubbies -- people who've helped illuminate nightspots with their neon hair and personality. Here are 10 more who really got my goat (and milked it).


     

    259b43ef1d36d69a90d1fee2efb63fec.jpg
    Photo by Marsha Burns

    DANNY THE WONDER PONY

    Shirtless, with a saddle on, Danny would romp around the Limelight in the '80s and '90s, getting drunken clubbies and bachelorettes to ride him for tips. I am not making this up. He's actually pretty nice, but I felt Limelight was enough of a barnyard already, lol.

    MIRIAM BENDAHAN
    With her streaked coifs and self-made outfits, Miriam has always conjured quite a vision, but her poison-ality was a bit much at times. Observers started calling her "Bendan-EAR." But I sort of liked her!

    shaggy_1577658.jpgPhoto via NY Post

    SHAGGY
    A middle-aged man with a Chia Pet hairdo, Shaggy was seen at all the best clubs and parties for ages -- because he crashed! I was upset when Page Six started mentioning him in boldface because I thought, "Now he'll be famous and will actually be invited to everything." Not sure if that happened, though.

    BRUCE LYNN
    Meanwhile, the publicist for Limelight and Tunnel meant well, but working with him often involved a mess-up or five. I'll never forget when my Divine Brown party invites came in blurry because he'd decided to make them 3D without telling me. (A printed up insert with all the info had to be added to each card.) What a putz! Still, I have to admit that I sometimes found him endearingly hapless, in a way. I said sometimes!

    Screen Shot 2015-06-12 at 2.37.02 PM.pngPhoto by Anderson Zaca via Flickr.

    ZONDRA FOX
    Offbeat looks. Unpredictable demeanor. The resulting concoction is sometimes reminiscent of a Hammer horror classic, but I'm sure it's just a pose. And I must say she's knowledgeable. Don't hurt me hon!

    SEBASTIAN
    No, I don't mean Sebastian, Jr. I'm referring to a guy who got onstage at Disco 2000's Unnatural Acts Revue at the Limelight to blithely drink his own pee (and to ingest Number Two, too) as jaded jaws dropped around the room. Controversy erupted when I wrote Sebastian up, gay activists accusing me of spotlighting the seamier part of LGBT life. But the activists were being homophobic by assuming Sebastian was gay. He wasn't!

    aln121307_03.jpgBrandywine, left. Photo by Caroline Torem Craig.

    BRANDYWINE
    Possessed with a voice that could stop a truck and a face to match, Brandy had a good side -- like introducing me to an array of Nick at Nite stars and selling Hee-Haw lunchboxes at a kitsch boutique called Howdy Do. But the gal (and her special person, Brenda A-Go-Go) were frightfully immovable when there were cameras around. (Yes, I have Italian Alzheimer's. I forget everything except a grudge.)

    Screen Shot 2015-06-12 at 2.42.23 PM.pngA Kitty Boots fashion show at Jackie 60. Photo by Tina Paul via Mothernyc

    KITTY BOOTS
    The British door gal at the '90s arts-emporium-slash-club Jackie 60 was a charismatic charmer, though if you fucked with the dress code, she could turn on the fury in an entertaining fashion that practically brought out the fire trucks. I'm not surprised she went on to be a big designer.

    Alexis4-e.jpg
    image via craigcalman.com

    ALEXIS DEL LAGO

    I made the mistake of being funnier than the grandiose trans diva in a downtown play she was supposed to be the star of. The cast screamed with laughter during my run through, but Alexis just screamed. Next thing you know, my part had been trimmed by about 95%, don't you know. Norma Desmond lives. Other than that, she was utterly delightful.

    tumblr_majotnNy5g1rpkenpo1_500.jpgimage via womenwhokickass

    BABY DEE
    The Cleveland-born singer/songwriter may well be the world's only trans person who plays a harp and an accordion while riding a bike from 10 feet in the air. She's truly out there in the ozone, and is a true original.





    [Click here for more]


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    lebron.jpg
    Ledong James has finally gotten a glimpse of the spotlight.


    During last night's broadcast of the NBA playoff between the Golden State Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers, ABC accidentally gave the public a peep of his privates during a fortuitous close-up of a brief short readjustment. #FreeThePenis does have a pretty nice ring to it.

    8===D

    h/t Deadspin

    [Click here for more]


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    BFA_12482_1544897.jpgGet ready to not leave your apartment this entire weekend because Orange Is The New Black is baaack. On a show that's made its name by casting a diverse group of actresses and giving them thoughtful, complex and well-written storylines, one of the series' biggest rising stars is Dascha Polanco. The Bronx/Miami-bred actress has quickly risen to fame for her portrayal of pregnant Latina inmate Dayanara "Daya" Diaz, a character that was initially positioned to only be reoccurring, but became promoted to full-time after the positive response to her sweat romance with sentimental prison guard John Bennett (played actor Matt McGorry). To celebrate a third season of more Daya, Crazy Eyes, Piper, and the rest of the crew, we caught up with Dascha to chat about everything from the pressures of fame to the meanings behind some of her more, uh, interesting Instagram hashtags (#phuckelectrons, anyone?).


    OITNB has already been renewed for a fourth season. When you joined the cast, did you think that the show would resonate with viewers in such a major way?

    No, I was pretty much worried about keeping my job and enjoying every experience because it was my first big thing. I was learning about the components of the show. I also wondered what audience was going to watch it. I think we were always focused on who would really watch it and enjoy the program. The popularity was so unexpected.I think this show is amazing, outstanding, and will be a part of history.
     
    Daya's character has become a fan favorite. Why do you think her character is so endearing?

    I think we all have hope, romance, and love...all of us can connect via those emotions. We also realize that Daya is a victim of circumstance like many of the other girls [on the show] but she has this sweet side of her. She takes responsibility for what her life is: she's in jail, yes, but she's still a very calm and cool woman. She's also caught up in a fairy-tale kind of love situation with Bennett and we get it because we all have a little fairy tale in us.
     
    How do you prepare for some of those emotionally-charged or more difficult scenes? Do you pull from your own experiences?

    I do pull from my own experiences for those scenes and it can be a bit emotionally draining. I have also developed journals. For Daya's character I have a journal that I keep near me and I write things down that will help me connect with her, even when they aren't my own experiences. I can relate to her having younger siblings but I was not in a home with drugs or a mom with a crazy boyfriend so I look at those differences and draw from them. I look at other people around me who have experienced similar things to Daya. Music is also a big factor in my preparation. It helps me prepare mentally. If it's a love scene, I'm all '90s R&B. If I'm doing an intense fighting scene I might listen to someone like Tupac.

    Since OITB premiered, how have you adjusted to suddenly being a celebrity in the spotlight?
     
    It's new and I'm growing with the experience. It's scary and at times I question my own self like "Is this what I want...people knowing everything about me?" Social media is accessible to everyone and people feel like being a destructive critic is productive when its counter-productive and just a form of bullying. Our society likes to focus on all the negative things. But, you know, I feel uncomfortable calling myself a celebrity. People call me that but I just say "I'm Dascha." It is what it is and it's a part of my life now. But, I'm ready for this process. I never get annoyed when people ask me for a picture or they approach me. I'm always ready to embrace it because this is just the beginning and if I can't handle it now, then imagine what I would be like later!
     
    Earlier this year, you faced controversy from an unsubstantiated rumor about you abandoning cats but you handled the dust-up with grace. Where'd you get such a tough backbone?

    You know what? One of my major blows in my life was losing my mother and I feel like no one can hurt me more than what I felt when she died. I came to this country with my parents as an immigrant and I've worked my behind off. Nobody can take my hard work nor my education. I wasn't given anything in this world, I had to work for it. So with the controversy and people's opinions about what and who I am, they don't know the facts and they don't know me. My issue is not with people talking, but that I can't respond to them. I was taught that you defend yourself. But, being in this position [as an actress], I am learning that it's not necessary to respond. You can't break me any further than I have already been broken.
     
    People on social media tend to project their personal hang-ups and negative outlook on others.

    Yeah, I would do the same thing too if I had no life, my house was dirty, and I needed to wash my behind! I'm too busy keeping my house in check, teaching my kids, involved in my culture, and working to be worried about people who have nothing better to do. I have no reason to be on social media and be negative. You have to excuse people like that and realize that not everyone is able to get out of negative situations and mindsets. Cowards hide behind computer screens and find a way to personalize everything and spin things around because they are not listening and don't take time to read. They waste too much time on everyone else's details and not their own 5 senses. People don't like it when you are blessed to do what you love.
     
    Recently you opened up about your past struggle with depression. What motivated you to speak openly about your experience and how did it feel to share your story?

    One of my degrees is in Psychology and I felt that in the Latin community, predominately with women, depression and emotional suffering are not taken seriously. It's seen as an excuse or a sign of weakness so we tend to not speak about it. I didn't even realize I was going through [depression] until I went and spoke to someone who helped me realize it was depression. I needed help. It can be a lonely world...it's lonely because we don't communicate and we don't speak out. We could connect to each other in so many different ways but we choose to worry about what someone else is thinking. It's okay to show emotion. I remember how it took so much out of me to go and ask for help because I had no one to take care of my daughter and I wanted to stay in school. I literally broke down in front of the principal at her daycare because they didn't have space for her to go so I could get help. I told her I felt helpless. I cried and let it out and it felt so good.
     
    What is happiness to you?

    I'm still trying to figure it out. Sometimes I have to hide behind a smile. I'm as human as everyone else. I try to be brave and put on a smile for the fans and people because I don't want to give off any negative energy toward them. I'm still trying to figure out happiness as I am growing as a woman and a mother.
     
    Your social media presence is entertaining, especially on Instagram. How did you come up with your hashtags #hairflipbye, #phuckelectrons, and #ismellgood?

    [Laughs] OMG I haven't used #phuckelectrons in a long time! I have to use that one when people start talking shit. One of my favorite subjects was organic chemistry...science is a big part of my life and atoms are fascinating. I think haters are so negative like electrons. They are also so one dimensional that they wouldn't even get the connection. But, even though they are electrons and negative, it doesn't make them weak. The energy is so strong if you allow it to bond with other atoms it can grow and be so forceful. So, I always say "phuck an electron," you know? As long as my core stays positive, then all the shit repels. If you split an atom and hit that core, its an atomic bomb. You explode. So if you allow people to let you get to that point, then you will explode. So stay within your core. #ismellgood is because of fragrances and everything that has do to with scents. It's all therapeutic. #hairflipbye. Well, I love the whole concept of hair, I love ponytails! Do you remember the hair flip? "Fuck a bye Felicia, hairflip bye bitch!" And I don't have to speak about it...I whip my hair and you gonna smell it because it smells good. And then I'm gonna whip you with it!
     
    One of your Instagram fans drew a picture of you as "She-Hulk" and you said you would love to play a superhero. Is there an existing hero you want to play or would you want a role created for you?

    I want a new role created for me. I would love the Hulk role as a She Hulk. I do want to do something that no one has done before. I want a curvaceous superhero, like a real live one. Slim girls have their spotlight all the time. Let the curvy heroes have the spotlight!

    What's next for you?

    Joy! It's a movie directed by David O. Russell with Jennifer Lawrence, Robert DeNiro, and Bradley Cooper in the cast. It's a great list of actors and I'm really excited about it. It's a major movie and it was a great experience to work with them.
     


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    alig-michael.jpg
    As part of the media shitshow surrounding last week's escape of two convicted murderers from max security prison Clinton Correctional Facility in upstate New York, Fox's Megyn Kelly brought in none other than legendary club kid/Party Monster-inspiration Michael Alig -- ostensibly to talk about what life was really like at the facility.

    Sliding him a couple easy lowballs, Kelly begins by asking him basics, like whether he knew these guys (nah, they were, after all, "the epitome of every other convict there"), which then turns into a strange humblebrag about how infamous he was amongst the inmates.

    Alig also apparently become an armchair psychologist during his prison stint -- diagnosing Joyce Miller, the prison worker who aided in their escape, as a woman with "low self-esteem" who probably wasn't used to being chased after by "sexy men." He also chalks up Miller's deception to two "evil" books that circulate in prisons on the art of duping people (namely ladies) into giving you what you want. He also surmises that because female prison workers are from small towns, they therefore easily go into dopamine trances when given any positive male attention. OK, Dr. Alig.

    They end the brief interview with Alig comparing the noise of a prison to a nightclub and assures Kelly that he's "grown a lot" in the past two decades. Watch below.


    h/t Gawker

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    leftovers1.jpgThe first season of rapturous (get it?) HBO drama The Leftovers had several moments of raw, unflinching beauty as part of its ongoing exploration of loss in the wake of a global disappearance that will never be explained -- particularly in the still-stellar pilot. Sadly, as with many other projects by executive producer Damon Lindelof, it turned out to be a house of cards, completely collapsing in its season finale as it transformed into offbeat, endless depictions of misery which only acquired a purpose under an extremely generous light.

    For the second season, Lindelof and company can fully sweep the unsatisfactory conclusion of the first under the rug -- the show is moving locations entirely, in a move that means that it can choose to jettison as much of the cast as it wants. The new setting is a town in Texas that is apparently a big destination because no one was taken during the disappearance. Will that make it a holy place? A demonic one? Does anyone care? Do you want to spend 10 hours in Jarden? Start making your decision on these and other questions with the trailer below.

    [Click here for more]


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    mya-case-of-the-ex-12.jpg
    Worst Trending Hashtag: Why do we need a #NationalExDay? Trash can emoji. -- Sandra Song
     


    Most Uncharacteristically Ordinary Music Video: No self-administered nipple piercings or creepy hay-matted births in Björk's new video for "Black Lake" -- just the avant-garde queen of Iceland wavering alone atop the barren earth. Oh, and neon blue lava, but what else did you expect from Björk? -- Victoria Lin

    skinwars.jpg
    Photo via Gerard Garvey / The Self Portrait Project

    Nudest Fashion Show: To celebrate Skin Wars's second season premiere, StudioAtGawker put on a fashion show consisting entirely of body paint. -- Suzannah Weiss

    Mean Girls Game.jpg
    Photo via Pocket Gems/The Hollywood Reporter

    Fetchest Video Game:
    If you've ever wondered what it's like to be personally victimized by Regina George, wonder no more. Gaming company Pocket Gems announced Wednesday that the Plastics are making their smartphone debut in a mobile game based on the original Mean Girls storyline. -- V.L.



    Best Tweet by a Cat That Is Actually Billy Corgan: Mr. Thom + Sammi, the Twitter account dedicated to Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan's cats Thom and now-deceased Sammi, welcomed new "sisters" Angelface and Diamond Baby on Tuesday. We can only hope the new kittens get their own account once they're old enough to tweet. -- S.W

    iPhone Menstruation Tracker.jpgPhoto via The Independent

    Best News About Your Period:
    Apple's finally acknowledging it. After the release of iOS 8, the tech giant received flak for its Health app, which had no period tracker (!) despite otherwise monitoring every imaginable bodily function -- from the useful (blood pressure) to the inscrutable ("forced expiratory volume, 1 sec"). With iOS 9, Apple's rolling out a suite of metrics for keeping tabs on reproductive health, including menstruation, ovulation, and sexual activity.-- V.L.


    Zayn Malik Hair.jpgPhoto via People

    Fastest-Evolving Hair:
    Leave it to Zayn Malik to stay earth-scorchingly hot even after sequential green and white dye jobs that make his hair look less like hair and more like moldy cheese aging in reverse. One Direction don't know what they've lost.-- V.L.

    Screenshot 2015-06-11 16.37.35.png
    Screenshot via ABC

    Most Specific Internet Poll:
    After Raven-Symoné told Nick Jonas on The View, "You smell amazing. You smell like man," Jezebel wanted to know, "What do you think Nick Jonas smells like, specifically?" The most popular answers were "A Dune Grass Yankee Candle" and "Sweat, grilled meats, and Old Spice." -- S.W.



    Most Painful/Gross Clip of the Week: This week two former rugby players, Wendell Sailor and Ben Ross, had an arm wrestle on live TV during the rugby league show, The Footy Show. But just 5 seconds into the match, there was clear winner as Sailor broke Ross's arm. There is even a really lovely pop sound to accompany the injury. Watch at your own risk. -- Juliette Kang

    A photo posted by Aura (@auracolorist) on


    The Weirdest Hair Trend of the Week: Sand Art Hair. Remember Sand Art? Those bottles filled with various colors of sand, visually melting into one another? Well now your hair can look like it too if that is something you want your hair to look like!! -- J.K

    buscmei.jpgThe Most Visionary Body Modification Trend:
    Tattoos of Steve Buscemi. Need we say more? -- Eric Thurm



    Most Inappropriate Use of RuPaul:
    Hannibal's official Twitter account posted a .gif of the show's new, horrifying stag monster with the lyrics of RuPaul's "Cover Girl." HitFix made it a nightmarish, fabulous reality. -- E.T.

    Happiest Kanye:
    Taking questions at a fake press conference after a basketball game. Aw. -- E.T.


    catlaugh.jpgMew-est News: Turns out all those trending Facebook articles were a bunch of hooey, cause an actual scientist has gone in and dismantled the myth that your cat makes you crazy. --S.S.

    giphy.gifMost Sensible Advice: A 100-year-old woman says her secret to longevity is...booze.--S.S.

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    Water Final.jpg

    Underwear by Calvin Klein

    Hair stylist and Instagram star Kyle Krieger keeps us checking our feeds more than we'd care to admit to get a glimpse of his perfectly chiseled physic in his artful selfies. We caught up with Kyle to get his take on underwear and Instagram, and got an exclusive gallery of never-before-seen underwear shots.

    What inspires your photos? I like David Fincher and Wes Anderson movies. I like desaturated and underexposed environments. I also am a fan of symmetry. I'm inspired by superheroes, fantasy, the human body, and athletes. I like butts.

    Why do you think your Instagram is so popular? I've nevermet a shirt I didn't like to take off. Also, a league of extraordinary thirsty gentlemen.

    You're often in your underwear in photos. What makes a good pair of undies?
     I like 'em snug, simple, and light on the branding. I like a little mystery. Nothing is worse to me than a colorful jockstrap that feels like a puzzle to get off.

    Do you ever go commando? I'd go commando if a boy asked me to come over, watch Netflix, and hang out.

    Back Bend Final.jpg
    Jockey Underwear

    Dance Final.jpg
    Marc Jacobs Underwear

    Hand Final.jpg
    Marc Jacobs Underwear

    Headlights Final.jpg
    Lacoste Underwear

    LA River Final.jpg
    Lacoste Underwear

    LA Undies Final.jpg
    Stonemen Underwear

    Pose Final.jpg
    Marc Jacobs Underwear

    Top of Rock Final.jpg
    Marc Jacobs Underwear


    Touching Toes Final.jpg
    Hanro Underwear

    Met Gala by Diesel.jpg
    Diesel Underwear

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    screen-shot-2015-04-16-at-11_1504163_616.jpgFrom left: Scrotal Recall's Evie (Antonia Thomas), Dylan (Johnny Flynn) and Luke (Daniel Ings).

    A week or two ago, I was scrolling through Netflix, as I do whenever I am not eating, sleeping, or participating in my competitive javelin leagues, when a certain new program caught my eye. The title alone was enough to immediately overpower everything else on the page. The show in question? "Scrotal Recall," a new Netflix Original that was most likely titled through some sort of mail-in contest that ended up having only 3-5 contestants. Immediately, I knew I had to watch it.

    According to the synopsis provided by Netflix, the story follows a "young, single guy" (nice!) who, after being told he has an STD, has to go back and contact all of his past sexual partners to alert them of this. The disease in this case is chlamydia, which lowers the stakes a bit. Basically he's just telling people, "Hey, you need to take antibiotics." My hunch is that it was originally herpes, but they thought that was too edgy. What is for sure is that it looks terrible. And I'm going to watch all of it.

    I'm not going down this road without a trusty sidekick, of course, and in this instance, that sidekick is none other than the latest alcoholic variety my bodega has to offer, which is Mike's Hard Lemonade: FROZEN. It comes in a pouch like a Capri-Sun and is 5% alcohol. You do have to put it in your freezer 6 hours ahead of time, however, which is by far the most planning I've ever put into drinking a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It smells like a combination of italian ice and a liquor you'd find in your grandmothers's house after she died. Time to watch!

    EPISODE 1: Abigail

    Each episode is named for one of the ladies that now has secret chlamydia. I feel bad for Abigail... it's a nice, classy sort of name. Doesn't seem like the sort of lady that would be jazzed to find our her goople's chock-full of the C-Myds. SIDE NOTE: Mike's Hard Lemonade: FROZEN is not great. It's very sugary and makes my jaw hurt. But back to the show. First thing: Whoa! Everybody's British! We meet our protagonist as he gets the news and then goes to a coffee shop to meet his friend, who ably fills the "lovable horndog" character that attractive actors with well-groomed stubble have been occupying for infinity. He dispenses some penis-based advice, and then quickly takes us back to a wedding, during which Dylan will presumably meet and have sex with Abigail.

    This first episode is not bad. I was expecting probably somebody farting diarrhea during the vows to be the comedic style of Scrotal Recall, but it seems this is actually more of a very decent show saddled with an extremely unfortunate name. They establish the main characters: Dylan, the chlamydia source himself, Luke, the handsome witty best friend, and Evie, (played by Antonia Thomas who you may recognize from Misfits) who is the chill photographer best friend and clearly the love of Dylan's life (though he doesn't realize it yet!). So far that's the largest problem with the show, is that the characters fall into very well-trodden archetypes. Dylan is the nice guy, the one girls keep "looking over," probably because he's a mopey sad baby, who believes on walks on the beach and meeting your soul mate when you're chosen for the same seat on a Ferris Wheel. Luke is your cookie-cutter fast-talking playboy, a British Vince Vaughn, which is to say, he is basically Vince Vaughn but just seems classier for no real reason. Evie is the romantic interest that's made to seem very generically "cool" while not being assigned any sort of actual pursuit or defining personality trait.

    Plotwise, it's a fairly forgettable tale of a wedding, where the bride is a control freak and the groom gets cold feet, only to reunite in the end. Dylan gets broken up with at the wedding and then ends up having sex with the concierge. None of it is surprising. Before the episode ends, it's revealed that Evie is now engaged in present day. Bummer, Dylan. You should have given her chlamydia while you had the chance.

    The Mike's Hard Lemonade FROZEN is unpleasant to drink. It has a very chemical aftertaste, especially as it gets warmer. If I was forced to drink a glowstick, this seems like it would be similar.

    tumblr_nmxs9l92by1qa691yo2_540.pngLuke and Dylan: Mope Lyfe

    EPISODE 2: Anna

    It seems every episode is going to be two very short segments at beginning and end in the present day, with the bulk of each episode being a flashback to a sexual experience of Dylan's, which I suppose is what I signed up for. This time they go back to an older woman, who was a friend of a fling of Luke's. After arranging a double-date in their apartment, the power cuts out and they all do a variety of stuff and then the sex happens. The basic dynamics remain much the same, with Luke trying to pursue his detached brand of sexual activity, while Dylan mopes and attaches an incredible amount of value to a woman he's barely met, and meanwhile Evie glances longingly at Dylan during pauses. The show actually feels a lot like How I Met Your Mother, minus Alyson Hannigan and Jason Segel's married couple, in its even-keeled speed. It's never boring enough to lose your attention, but there's never really too much going on. It's a very grilled cheese viewing experience -- comfortable, not bad, but also not terribly interesting. We find Luke struggling with an inability to confide in people, but that's another textbook trait of his archetype, and we find that Evie is a graphic designer as well as a photographer, but don't see much further into her beyond that. Even in the scene where Luke finally does open up, the things he opens up about are still almost exclusively sex-related and outwards-facing. I at least did enjoy that him confessing his weaknesses didn't end in a woman shushing him to say "It's ok," and then climbing on top of him. She leaves, as she should. (He confesses to punching a dog, after all?) We also see Evie meeting her future beau, who is one of Anna's friends, in an extremely convenient turn. Is everyone in Britain separated by less than two friends? It seems possible.

    On the Mike's Hard Lemonade FROZEN front, the taste still isn't good but I've found myself drinking it quickly out of habit? I may have developed some sort of chemical dependency on a flavoring agent.

    EPISODE 3: Cressida

    It wouldn't be British without a Cressida in the mix somewhere! This episode follows pretty much the mold of the others --  just different situations in which people have sex. This time, it's a birthday party. People get drunk and dance, Luke has sex with a woman. We do find that Luke was teased/unpopular when he was younger, which possibly contributes to his need for validation now, which again, is all squarely within the tired trope of the "likable womanizer." This episode does have one redeeming twist, however, in that the woman Dylan beds is actually, after much drinking and escapades, Evie herself. They end up having sex in a barn, but don't go anywhere with it because Evie is already dating Mel, her future fiancé. When we cut back to present day, Evie's getting herself tested for chlamydia, and then leaves, inexplicably, on a bicycle. Does she have a DUI? (Or whatever is the British equivalent?) I feel like the only thing more embarrassing than getting tested for chlamydia is riding a bicycle to go get tested for chlamydia. Plus, then your bike might have chlamydia. Meanwhile, Dylan goes to meet with Abigail about the whole "my genitals are diseased" thing.

    I've finished the Mike's Hard Lemonade FROZEN. I will likely not buy another in this lifetime. My mouth is coated in fake sugar and I feel sluggish. I decide to switch to Pacifico.

    c07fd513-e96f-40e9-b740-aae02ea5a2d6_625x352.jpgDylan and Jane (Jessica Ellerby)

    EPISODE 4: Jane

    Scrotal Recall (I was starting to take this seriously until I had to type that again) actually seems to be evolving for the better. This episode breaks the pattern we've seen so far, and takes place during a hospital visit that was alluded to in an earlier episode. It's clear that the show is honing in more and more on Dylan and Evie's destined relationship. No one even has sex in this episode! They almost do, but then... well, they end up at the hospital, from the almost-sex. The characters, however, are still largely unexplored. Their moves are easy to predict, which again, leads to a show that's very watchable thanks to well-written story and dialogue, but which lacks a real grip to be had. If at the beginning of the next episode, Dylan was eaten by wolves, I would just shrug, turn it off, and go eat something.

    Pacifico's a good beer, very underrated. Corona's sort of cornered the marketplace, but Pacifico is a lot more refreshing and has a less artificial taste. Good to keep in mind for rooftop barbecues.

    EPISODE 5: Bethany

    They seem to be straying further and further from the "telling people he has chlamydia" part of the show, and I really can't blame them. This episode finds Luke and Evie at a bowling alley for a party for Luke's mysterious "work" which I assume is some sort of vague job like "digital consultant," or "trans-office communication chief." Meanwhile, Dylan goes through a crisis when his current girlfriend, Bethany, has her brother come by to meet him. He freaks out about impressing him and then freaks out upon realizing how serious of a relationship he's in with Bethany. This is a bit strange, since Dylan has spent most of the series so far a breath away from getting down on one knee for every female pedestrian he passes. Luke desperately wants to be liked by his female co-workers (it also seems that inter-office romance, especially in bowling alley back offices, is much more accepted in Britain) and eventually he is. Later, Evie and Dylan get together and pine for each other a bunch. I'd love to see a mope-off between Dylan Recall (or whatever his last name is) and Ted Mosby. JUST HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS, EVERYONE!

    Pacifico's still killing it.

    EPISODE 6: The One Where Everyone Dies of Chlamydia. Just kidding, it's called Phoebe.

    I hope this is a Friends crossover but I doubt it, since the timelines are completely different.

    PHOEBE IS DEAD. The episode starts with Dylan saying her phone's disconnected and her e-mails are bouncing back, so they go to her parents' house, where her mom tells them that PHOEBE DIED?! WHAT THE FUCK SCROTAL RECALL? Your last episode was in a bowling alley! Then they go into a whole thing about how Phoebe was just like Luke, and we find out Luke has secretly been in love with her forever, but now she is deceased. Are they trying to make up for the lack of drama in the other episodes in the last 24 minutes of the season? Dylan and Luke even get into a physical fight into the bedroom of a dead woman. Then Dylan takes Evie out to tell her he's in love with her, and can't. Luckily Luke bursts in and tells Evie that Dylan is secretly in love with her. She starts crying and then the episode ends. I mean, I guess finales are supposed to be dramatic, but whoa. This is like if there was an episode of Two and a Half Men where Charlie Sheen had sex with a woman and then SHE DIED. And then they told the half-man he was adopted.

    I've made a line graph of the amount of deaths in Scrotal Recall by episode, for your reference:

    Picture 62.png


    OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:

    It's not bad. Far from bad, actually. If you like How I Met Your Mother but want to feel smarter watching it, Scrotal Recall is the show for you. If anyone knows the creator, please ask him why he named it that. Also, Mike's Hard Lemonade: FROZEN tastes bad and Pacifico is an underrated Mexican Beer.

    Eli Yudin is a comedian and one-half of @NotTildaSwinton. Follow him on Twitter at @eliyudin.



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  • 06/14/15--04:31: The Sunday Funnies
  • tumblr_nodj5m1fLg1qksihqo1_500.jpgSquad goals on squad goals. [FYouNoFMe]

    tumblr_no9f5s5smn1unrz6ko1_1280.jpg

    Game like Adobe Flash Player version 17.0.0.69. [LaughterKey] tumblr_npm6x7kPVU1qf2uqro1_500.jpg Can't get mow love from weed. [FYouNoFMe]
     
    JEFFREY IS ALL THE SPICE INA NEEDS. [ThatsModeratelyRaven]
     14MZ9.jpgThe c*nt stops here. [Mlkshk]

    14NFQ.pngShe's positively glowing. [Mlkshk]

    14N3L.gifWork that Fischer Price activity gym, gurl. [Mlkshk]
     
    14N6W.jpgThanks. [Mlkshk]



    Us on the train every day. [FYouNoFMe]

    tumblr_npojkv6FnB1qewacoo2_540.jpgtumblr_npojkv6FnB1qewacoo3_540.jpgtumblr_npojkv6FnB1qewacoo1_540.jpgHelpful. [FYeahDementia]
     
    Omg, delish! [FYouNoFMe]
     
    Watch the first episode of We Have a Dinosaur, a new web series about living with a jerky young velociraptor . They're so difficult at this age.


    Chris Pratt shows Conan the three emotions he expressed during filming of Jurassic World. Accurate. [TastefullyOffensive]

    Picture 93.pngHave a chill Sunday.  [WhitingWhatNow]

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    This morning in London, JW Anderson showed his Spring 2016 Men's collection and once again reminded us that this show sets the tone for the entire fashion season (not just the men's season). In the way that for years Miuccia Prada has set the tone with her Milan women's show, Anderson now leads the fashion flock in a new direction. Along with Alessandro Michele of Gucci, his castings have redefined the men's beauty look of the moment: Lanky, slim-shouldered, androgynous boys evoke equal parts 1980s new wave and Evelyn Waugh. The silhouettes are androgynous in a deadpan way -- it's not kitsch or drag-camp but instead reflective of a more gender-fluid youth culture today. His clothes ignore gendered fashion rules of what is "meant" for a boy and what is "meant" for a girl. While these looks might not end up on style-conscious dudes outside the major fashion capitals, they lead the fashion world into a new direction.



    Screen Shot 2015-06-14 at 10.55.04 AM.png

    Screen Shot 2015-06-14 at 10.55.27 AM.png
    Screen Shot 2015-06-14 at 10.55.43 AM.png
    Screen Shot 2015-06-14 at 10.56.10 AM.png
    Photos via Style.com

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    dangelo.png

    Our Lord and Savior D'Angelo has just announced that he's working on a "companion piece" to last year's mind-blowing Black Messiah.

    His first record in 14 (long, sad, sex-less) years, Black Messiah was a fresh, funky mix of political sentiment, psyched-out guitarwork and darkwave dirge, all layered atop D'Angelo's tendency toward sensual slow burners. And if we're lucky, Part Two will be much of the same way -- after all, these songs are allegedly the leftovers from the original BM sessions.

    Praise be his name, for R&B Jesus has risen.

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    I once had a wonderful dream where I was swimming in ramen, and weirdly enough it now turns out that actual noodle dips are really possible -- in Japan (duh). 

    Yunessan Spa House in Hakone, Japan is now offering ramen baths, which are allegedly "good for the skin" and able to increase your metabolism, thanks to the collagen their pork-based broth contains. And while we're not sure if we can 100% back the science behind this, a girl can definitely dream about swimming in a tasty broth bath complete with osmotic absorption. The only thing missing now is a toppings bar. Mmm...

    拉麵湯底SPA,想試嗎? - 鍾意請廣傳/Please SHARE

    <拉麵湯底SPA,想試嗎?> - 鍾意請廣傳/Please SHARE//Wanna Try Ramen Noodle Bath?//聽說對皮膚很好啊!Source: Diagonal View#noodle #japan #ramen #spa #happypeople"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up" - Mark Twain

    Posted by 開心快活人 on Friday, 17 April 2015
    h/tFirst We Feast

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    SPE1.jpgThe infamous Stanford Prison Experiment, in which psychology professor Philip Zimbardo set up a false prison and watched as the "guards" -- arbitrarily assigned their roles -- began to dehumanize and brutalize the "inmates" is ready-made for dramatization. Hell, Zimbardo's girlfriend was the one who had to forcefully put the experiment to a stop (spoilers) after only six days. So the first trailer for the movie based on the incident looks promising. Certainly, it has a fabulous cast, including Ezra Miller, Olivia Thirlby, and Billy Crudup as Zimbardo. Check out the first trailer for the movie, below.

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    Katy Perry is known for her colorful fashion statements (bring back full-cupcake-costume Katy!)  So who better for Jeremy Scott to name as the new fall face for his pop-influenced Moschino line than the gorgeous songstress. With four images already released via KP's Instagram we are able to get glimpse into the Fall 2015 campaign. Alas, #snackwave nation, this collection doesn't include a Cheetos dress, but as you can see in the second image down, it does show off Perry's curves that don't quit. Hats off to Jeremy Scott, Katy Perry, and Moschino for the beautiful campaign imagery.


     

    ❤THE FACE OF MOSCHINO❤️

    A photo posted by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on


    KATY x MOSCHINO #2

    A photo posted by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on


    KATY x MOSCHINO #3

    A photo posted by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on


    KATY x MOSCHINO #4

    A photo posted by KATY PERRY (@katyperry) on


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    OVO says to "Obey Your Thirst" in a new Drake x Nas spot for Sprite's new hip-hop lyric cans.

    Because you can never hear "0 To 100" enough times, the lemony-lime sip is bringing their lines (plus 15 other memorable ones from the likes of Notorious B.I.G. and Rakim) to soda cans for the rest of the summer. Cut from footage of their NBA All-Star Weekend concert, it's one marketing ploy we don't mind too much. Mostly because, Drake. 

    Watch the commercial below.

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    This morning, Father John Misty released the music video for his latest single "I Love You, Honeybear." The track, which also bears the name of his acclaimed sophomore album, tells the story of two lovers who rely on love when all goes to shit. It was co-written by frontman Josh Tillman along with his wife, Emma.

    The video begins by showing a couple (who are both paramedics, played by comedian Brett Gelman and Susan Traylor) getting high and drunk in the back of an ambulance. Interspersed are clips of Tillman and his significant other, who are angelically passed out in their empty mansion after a gas leak. There's spooky paintings, chandeliers, and an impending sense of doom as the medics frantically try to revive the couple with a defibrillator. But it's too late for FJM's love, and in a reverse Jack-and-Rose dream sequence, she swims away as he's strapped to a gurney.

    Anyway, hope you're having a happy Monday!

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    tbradyballs.jpgAt the ring ceremony for a Super Bowl that the New England Patriots almost certainly won through shady means, quarterback Tom Brady took an opportunity to cut a rug on the dance floor, to "Trap Queen" and Migos. He may have a pretty sweet life, but it was... um... embarrassing. We'll let the clips speak for themselves (thanks Vulture).


    Gronk and Brady gettin it crackin at the ring ceremony party. #corporate thuggin. Thanks @wgd6788

    A video posted by KeepitGreal (@lakesheezy) on


    This goes beyond the general shame of watching an all-American boy try really hard to get down -- it's just kind of deflating to national morale. I guess showing off your terrible dancing at wedding does take real balls, you know? And people make balls jokes about Tom Brady. Because he cheated. With balls. Get it?

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