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All the posts on www.papermag.com.

older | 1 | .... | 144 | 145 | (Page 146) | 147 | 148 | .... | 390 | newer

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    Tough week? Let this video of a tiny girl named Ella singing the hell out of Elvis Presley's cover of "An American Trilogy" carry you into the weekend on a ray of sunshine. Excellent facial expressions abound. [Hypervocal] markwhalbergcloseenough.png

    Mark Wahlberg posed for a photo with a fan who mistook him for Matt Damon, and didn't correct her, because he is THAT GREAT of a guy. Say hello to your mother for him. [Gawker]

    backtofuture2.png back-to-the-future-makeup-2-597x1024.jpgA redditor and the folks at Uproxx have provided us with side-by-sides of what Back to the Future 's stars look like now, nearly 30 years later, compared to to the age makeup they wore in the movie and its sequel and which showed them living in the unthinkable year of 2015. Clearly, Bif wins.  [Uproxx]



    Electric guitar squeal, high five, snap into a Slim-Jim! Here's a video of a skateboarding dog kickflipping his board at a skate park. [LaughingSquid]

    castingpics.pngCasting agent Bonnie Timmerman took these photos of various actors back in the day. Natalie Portman (center row, far left) and Gwyneth Paltrow (bottom row, center) take the cake for most awkward and cutest. [DailyDot]

    tumblr_mqdibbkhdg1s141ako1_1280.jpgI know, right? [LaughterKey]

    cookiecookie.gifUs whenever food gets put out at a party/work event/anywhere. [PizzzaTime]

    This video proves why cats are the funniest (but dogs are the best). YES, WE SAID IT. [TastefullyOffensive]

    catfriend.gifSee caption above. [JuliaSegal]


    scarysimpsons.jpgJust in case you planned on sleeping tonight .... [FYeahDementia]






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    Screen Shot 2013-08-08 at 4.09.08 PM.pngPhoto by Pari Dukovic

    Get ready Brooklyn, the Anna Nicole Smith opera is coming for you.

    Now that the Lifetime movie has come and gone, it's BAM's turn to tell the story of how a small-town Texas waitress named Vickie Lynn Hogan wound up marrying an octogenarian, landing a Guess modeling campaign and basically setting the stage for what would become train-wreck reality show programming, before tragically passing away at the age of 39. The opera, which was composed by Mark-Anthony Turnage and librettist Richard Thomas (who, perhaps unsurprisingly, also wrote the Jerry Springer opera), was commissioned by London's Royal Opera House and premiered in 2011. Soprano Sarah Joy Miller will play the titular role and we hear that the score includes arias about boobs and narcotics -- but you probably guessed that anyway.

    Anna Nicole runs at BAM September 17-28




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    Earl-Sweatshirt-Announces-Release-Date-for-'Doris'-Album.jpg


    Earl Sweatshirt's highly anticipated debut album Doris doesn't come out until August 20th, but we finally have our first taste of it, thanks to a newly leaked song from the LP, "Burgundy." Produced by Pharrell, the track's beat combines swirling piano and what sounds like a laid-back marching band, while the lyrics focus on the hardships of fame and a general malaise about having to perform. The disembodied voice on the track may not care about what Earl is going through or what he gotta do, but we can't wait to hear more about Earl's trials and tribulations. Listen above.

    [via Death and Taxes]



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    Breaking Bad fever is quickly approaching its apex, with Walter White scowling at us from subway posters, banner ads, and magazine covers all over town. But until Sunday night, all we know is that Hank is finally wise to Heisenberg's true identity, and that Walt is on the lam, quite possibly trying to pass himself off as the lead singer of the National. Lots of hectic stuff will certainly go down over the next eight Sundays -- stuff that could make the Great Prison Massacre of season 5 look as quaint as Walt and Jesse's first bumbling cooks. So let's take a moment to look back on some of the show's most lovable quirks --  the recurring details that have rewarded us for paying attention and kept us slavishly putting off our nightmare-filled bedtimes for just one more episode.

    mpchc642011072301062718.jpg10. Tighty (Walter) Whiteys

    When the world got its first look at Walter White, thirty seconds into the pilot episode, it saw a man wearing nothing but a pair of BVDs and a gas mask. Three episodes later, as Walt's brother-in-law Hank speculates with his DEA colleagues on the identity of the city's newest meth cook, we see Walter in the same outfit, sans gas mask, brushing his teeth. By the time he strips off his clothes in a supermarket, one season later, you start to wonder if Walt, or maybe the guy who plays him, just enjoys doing stuff with no clothes on. A look at the show's blooper reels indicates that, yes, Bryan Cranston is a raging exhibitionist. He says so himself, in an "Inside Breaking Bad" clip: "I have a nudity clause in my contract that insists I'm naked in every single show I do."

    Skyler_White.png9. Skyler's "Mute Horror" Face

    Skyler spends so much time being shocked at her husband's ever-mounting wickedness that it's almost a relief to watch her sneak a cigarette in season 2. (Sorry, Holly.) But no matter how complicit she becomes in Walt's dealings, she still finds plenty of opportunities to go goggle-eyed and speechless. Not till season 5 does she try out a different default expression: that glazed look that says, "Excuse me while I walk fully clothed into the pool." Now all she needs is her own meme, a la "Really High Guy."

    05-skinny-pete.jpg8. Learning to Love Skinny Pete

    In a show that's famous for blurring the line between good guys and bad guys, Jesse's foot-soldier bro Skinny Pete might just be the one who surprised me the most with his deep relatability. Sure, Hank starts out a total douchebag before winning us over with his awkward attempts at being a sensitive family guy -- the scene in "Seven Thirty-Seven" in which he tries to broker peace between Skyler and Marie is one of the funniest and most touching of the whole show. But guys, it's Skinny Pete! Despite looking like every mother's worst nightmare, he's unfailingly nice -- and he even plays piano, really well, in season 5. And while he's been known to spell the word "street" with an "a," the way he describes his bond with Tuco is pure poetry: "Two nuts in a ballsack, yo!"

    episode-3-marie-hank.jpg7. Hank + Injury = Total Dickishness

    The other reason Skinny Pete edges out Hank in the "surprisingly relatable" category is that Hank, having been gravely injured in his showdown with the Cousins, promptly becomes an insufferable asshole -- especially to Marie, who cheerfully helps her bedridden husband with his "uno" and "dos." While these scenes are hard to watch (unless you chug a beer every time Hank says "Jesus Christ, Marie"), they add considerable depth to both characters. Side note: will Hank's obsession with minerals pay off in the final episodes? We're about to find out.

    tumblr_m6efe76fTP1r1hp6jo1_1280.jpg6. Fuck Your Phones!

    Gus and Mike have ended so many calls by snapping their flip-phones in half, they must buy them by the dozen at Costco. I imagine Mike ordering a pizza to split with his granddaughter -- "Yeah. Medium. Sausage and pineapple. Side of cheesy bread." -- and reflexively twisting the life out of his Nokia as if it were a tiny chicken. See also: Walt receiving calls at home and hissing several variations on "Do not call here, ever!" throughout the first two seasons.

    waltcoloredfire.jpg5. Walt's Relaxed Attitude Toward Teaching

    It's always a pleasure catching Walt in the classroom and watching his behavior get increasingly erratic -- from a rambling story about another brilliant scientist who didn't get due recognition, to the after-class meeting in which he tells a failing student, "Don't bullshit a bullshitter," to the truly bizarre scene at the top of season 3 in which Walt speaks at a school assembly (following more bullshit from the same student Walt had chewed out after class). Despite the fact that two airplanes have recently crashed in mid-air over the city, Walt tells the kids to "look on the bright side." Then a quick rant about another, more deadly mid-air collision, and he's ready for his big finish: "We survive, and...OK! [Principal takes mic away; feedback squeal] Good."

    TucoOPTI.jpg4. Fun Quotes for Everyday Use

    I'm not talking about the obvious Breaking Bad quotes -- the ones that end in "yo" or "bitch." I'm talking about the ones that demonstrate the show's full, Coen Brothers-worthy range, from hardboiled cop-talk ("Somebody croaked our snitch!") to the eerily calm lines of Gus ("Well? Get back to work.") But if you remember nothing else, remember the following, which will help you any time you get in over your head: "Tuco. Tuco. Why don't we all just relax, huh?" See also: Tuco's "Tight, tight, tight, jeaaah!"

    13069127491.jpg3. TRL ABQ

    Breaking Bad has yielded at least three music videos -- what other non-musical series can say that? We've got Gale Boetticher singing "Major Tom" in a karaoke video that's straight out of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! We've got Twaughthammer, Jesse and Badger's garage band, whose video features a cameo from the one-eyed teddy bear that landed in Walt's pool after the plane crash. And best of all, we've got the narcocorrido "Heisenberg," which opens the episode "Negro Y Azul." Shown in its entirety, the low-budget video manages to explain Walt's increasingly sticky involvement with a Mexican drug cartel via a plucky tejano ballad. The chorus says it all: "But that homie's dead / He just doesn't know it yet."

    Breaking-bad-dinner.jpg2. Painfully Awkward Meals chez White

    The pancake breakfast where a grotesquely chipper Walt tries to hip his son to Steely Dan and Boz Scaggs. At least three butt-clenching patio meals with the Schraders, the first of which ends with Walt saying, "I have cancer. Lung cancer. It's bad." There's the roof pizza. And then there's my favorite: the season 5 scene in which a meeting between Walt and Jesse turns into an impromptu dinner party, presided over by a Chardonnay-gulping Skyler. The tension is spectacular: "These are great green beans, Mrs. White ... You put lemon in there too?" "They are from the deli, at Albertson's." No wonder Walter makes his own bacon numbers on his 52nd birthday.

    Screen-Shot-2013-05-31-at-8.06.28-PM.png1. MacGyv-senberg

    There was a moment, toward the end of season 1, when I wondered whether every other episode would feature a brilliant and very implausible explosion. Even when he's not foiling two thugs with a cloud of red phosphorus or winning Tuco's respect with a mercury fulminate cherry bomb, Walt still manages to lodge a squeegee into the battery of a lawyer's Beemer and walk away from the resulting explosion, John McClane-style. Moments like these taper off in the second season, after Walt makes a battery while stranded in the desert. But a recent episode has Walt using an electric cord to blow up some handcuffs -- although, tellingly, he has to watch his own flesh burn this time. Like the other save-the-day explosions, it was a little silly. But for all its moral complexity, Breaking Bad is not a show that cleaves to realism -- not when there are sports cars and meth kingpins to blow up. And anyway: the man is a chemist.



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    Witchy RuPaul's Drag Race winner Sharon Needles' new video is all about the occult -- but what else would we expect when the video's for a song called "Call Me on the Ouija Board"? The song isn't exactly a masterpiece, but if you look beyond the tired dance beat and Sharon literally singing the alphabet for most of the chorus, the video itself is a treasure trove. Not only does it touch on every Exorcism/Dracula/Poltergeist trope imaginable, it features cameos by our favorite Super(Duper)Market guest, Christian Ellermann and Michael Musto werking an A+++ wig and drag game (at the 2:30 mark). Watch above.

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    Hesta Prynn A.jpgIn this weekly column, MC/DJ Hesta Prynn pairs pop culture stories with an original playlist.










    Performance Art is no longer just something you pretend to understand during your Freshperson year at Oberlin. Suddenly it's the buzzterm dujour and stars from Jay Z to Lady Gaga have declared Marina Abramović's performance art bandwagon the performance art bandwagon to jump on. In honor of the form having it's moment in the blogosphere spotlight, this week's "Five n Five" gets the conversation started with Five Performance Artists You Need to Know.

    1. Marina Abramović -- "Picasso Baby" by Jay Z

    The "grandmother of performance art," Abramović has been performing for nearly forty years and is best known for her "endurance" piece entitled The Artist Is Present. In this piece she sat silent at a table at MOMA for 736 hours and 30 minutes. Viewers were invited to sit opposite her. This piece is the template and inspiration for the "Picasso Baby" video.

    Related Music Video: "Picasso Baby"

    2. Carolee Schneemann -- "FYR" by Le Tigre

    Schneemann's work dealt with topics related to the body, sexuality and gender. In 1975 she created what became arguably her most famous piece, Interior Scroll, which included the artist reading a speech from a scroll she removed from her vagina.

    Related Off-Broadway Play Inspired by Schneemann's Work: The Vagina Monologues

    3. Tehching (Sam) Hsieh -- "Color of My Soul" by Pretty Lights

    Hsieh's works deal with time and struggle. In his One Year Performance series he spent a full year dealing with one of the following constraints: locked inside a cage, punching a timeclock every hour on the hour, tied to another artist with an eight foot rope, remaining completely outdoors, or making no art at all.

    Related Film: One Year Performance 1980 - 1981

    4. Andy Warhol -- "Your Life is a Lie" by MGMT

    Warhol's entire life eventually became an ongoing multimedia project. His Factory churned out physical works in addition to a cast of characters, many of whom have become New York City legends.

    Related Film: I Shot Andy Warhol

    5. Pussy Riot -- "Style I Bring" by Northern State

    The eleven-ish woman feminist collective staged a performance at Moscow's Cathedral of Christ The Savior to protest the close link between ties between church and state in Russia. Three members of were arrested (two remain behind bars) and a political firestorm has resulted. Many Americans support the collective while many Russian's are appalled by the overt feminism and criticism of religion.

    Companion Documentary: Free Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer



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    Screen Shot 2013-08-09 at 2.40.41 PM.pngBest Throw Back Thursday: Chelsea Peretti! She and Andy Samby grew up together?! Really would have pegged Andy as a Jimmy'Z t-shirt-and-sweatpants kind of a kid, but that sweatshirt is definitely stylin'. -- Elizabeth Thompson

    Most Creative Sext: Australian MP Peter Dowling's. He sent a picture of his penis hangin' in a glass of wine with the message, "He wanted wine..." Brilliant. -- Max Kessler

    Screen Shot 2013-08-09 at 5.41.19 PM.pngBest Pieces of Plastic of the Week: These 3-D printed figurines of Paper's Kim Hastreiter and Mr. Mickey. -- Abby Schreiber

    Screen Shot 2013-08-09 at 5.27.07 PM.pngMost Envy-Inducing Necklaces: Heaven Tanudiredja's, whose baubles are inspired by mental disorders. -- M.K.

    Best Description of Watching The Canyons:
    @NotTildaSwinton's (a.k.a Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell), who likened it to "being at a Little League game where your child's team is clearly being outplayed, but god damn it if you're not still gonna do the wave." -- A.S.

    Screen Shot 2013-08-09 at 5.20.29 PM.pngDumbest Show That I'm Never, Ever Watching Again Despite the Great Acting: The Killing. Why did I put myself through another season? How is this show still on? This description of the finale that my mom emailed me is really spot-on. Shout-out to my stepdad, Gene! Feel better. -- E.T.

    Screen Shot 2013-08-09 at 5.30.29 PM.pngBest Reason to Go to the Gym: This ridiculous commercial Cher did for Holiday Health and Fitness Centers in the '80s. It works almost as well as "Physical." -- M.K.

    Worst Case of the Douche Chills: This clip of Anthony Weiner -- in which he mocks a British reporter and asks her how he's supposed to take her seriously with such a WHACKY, NUTTY, ARE YOU EVEN SPEAKIN' ENGLISH accent -- will douche chill you to the bone. We are issuing a Severe Douche Chill Advisory. Schools and government buildings are closed for the duration of this clip. Please bring in all pets and and cover plants outdoors. -- E.T.


    Screen Shot 2013-08-09 at 5.51.52 PM.pngTrillest Animal of the Week: Sorry cats/dogs, but this week the title goes to bears. For evidence, look no further than this bear straight-up stealing a DUMPSTER and this one riding a Sea-Doo (above). -- A.S.




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    Oh no, here's a baby elephant really, really enjoying a kiddie pool. Can we join him? [via Jezebel]


    tumblr_mrcjiej0wq1qb6rkko1_1280-1.jpgIn case you were curious, here's what Insane Clown Posse look like without their clown look. For the first 0.000002 seconds it's really exciting to see Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope sans makeup, but then you realize they look like two totally normal Florida bros and the disappointment sets in. [via Uproxx]



    Shark week might be over, but you can relive it cutely with this clip of little pup Milo trying to take on some toy sharks. [via Jezebel]


    searselegantmomentheader1.jpgSears was either hacked or briefly dipped its toes into the BDSM gear-selling business: for a while the company was selling this "ELEGANT MOMENTS" men's leather harness on its website. [via Dlisted]



    This British talk show segment is completely inscrutable but HOLY SHIT IT INVOLVES A BUNCH OF KITTENS ESCAPING FROM A PICNIC BASKET. [via Uproxx]


    tumblr_mr7ki9we381rn7bzro1_500.jpgWe'd wear that. [via knusprig.titten.hitler]


    tumblr_mra1rvaS6q1r6m7gwo2_250.giftumblr_mra1rvaS6q1r6m7gwo1_250.giftumblr_mra1rvaS6q1r6m7gwo3_250.gifDitto. [via Afternoon Snooze Button]


    TCYA.jpegThis washing machine is really channeling our feelings about Mondays. [via !]


    TD0F.gifMy God. [via mlkshk]



    This Vine definitively proves that Beyoncé gets whatever she wants at any time she wants. [via I'm With Kayne]


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    David Myers - JennKL.jpgEach week in our Chefs Off Duty series, we talk to some of our favorite chefs and industry folk around the country to find out their secret late-night spots where they like to grab a bite and a pint when their kitchens are finally closed. Next up: David Myers, the chef/owner behind Los Angeles' Comme Ça, Orange County's Pizzeria Ortica and Century City's white hot, "Silk Road-inspired" Hinoki & the Bird.

    What's your favorite under-the-radar place to grab a bite to eat in L.A. after you're leaving your restaurant?

    Yakitoriya on Sawtelle Blvd. This place has some of the most authentic Japanese yakitori in LA.

    How long have you been going there?


    6 years. A good friend turned me on to it.

    What are their specialties?

    Grilled rare parts of chicken over Japanese binchotan (charcoal), along with vegetables, rice dishes and pickles.

    Screen Shot 2013-08-12 at 12.02.53 PM.pngYakitoriya
    What are your favorite things to order?

    Some of my favorites are the liver, which is served with this great spicy Japanese mustard sauce, and the gizzard, which has a clam-like texture. I also love the tsukune (chicken meatballs). It incorporates a very delicate grind of the meat and cartilage, giving the meatballs a unique texture. There's also a bit of hemp seed mixed in as well. The chef grills the tsukune over the binchotan, and finishes it with the mustard sauce. It's unbelievable!

    Any funny stories or anecdotes from nights spent there?

    I used to go there with my friends on my day off after a great day of surfing. It was always fun to sit back, have someone grill in front of you and just relax. Then other chefs show up, and the custom is to buy each other drinks. That goes on all night. Then when it's time, I taxi it home. I'm always a bit tired the next day because of the long night--but it's totally worth it.

    Yakitoriya, 11301 W. Olympic Blvd., Los Angeles, CA; Mon, Wed-Sun, 6pm-10:30pm

    Photo of David by Jenn KL


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    This week in indie artists covering '90s songs we love: Haim -- the trio of sisters who specialize in folk-meets-smooth-R&B -- did a cover of Sheryl Crow's classic '95 hit "Strong Enough" for Australian radio station Triple J. And, not surprisingly, it's great. While the original video of Este, Danielle and Alana performing the song was taken down over the weekend, the audio survived. HAIM's version of "Strong Enough" takes the simple acoustic guitar strum of the original and injects some synth and a healthy dose of guitar riffs. Danielle emulates Sheryl's vocals really well and the whole cover does a great job of making you feel hopeful and raw, and also of being such a jam. HAIM's new album, Days Are Gone, will be out September 30th.

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    angolagrid_mrmickey.jpgMr. Mickey's Look of the Month is a portfolio of pretty ladies from the Elite Model Look Angola pageant in Luanda (where Mr. Mickey was a judge), presented by Da Banda Entertainment. Photos courtesy of Da Banda Entertainment.

    Dear Mr. Mickey,

    I'm the male lead singer of a pop band and our new stylist is trying to force me to wear MC Hammer-style droopy drawers. Can I make it on the charts without dressing like I need a diaper change?

    Signed,
    -- Don't Like Britches Bitches



    Dear DLBB,

    Mr. Mickey understands your pain. You want to look like a sexy pop star not some poo-poo-in-your-harem-pants pipsqueak! Mr. Mickey likes to wear a lot of cuckoo crazy borderline bananas looks himself but MM can tell you that if you don't believe in the look you're showcasing, you'll look like a knucklehead. You have to believe that your ensemble is sexy and giving the crowd impure thoughts! You should speak to the stylist alone and explain that you're sure he or she is a wonderful stylist and your goal is to have a harmonious working relationship but in the end you know you can't give your best performance on stage if you're styled up like a douchey clown. Tell your stylist you're happy to figure out an outfit that you both think makes you look like hot shit on a silver platter but you just cannot go on stage looking like cold diarrhea on a paper plate!

    Dear Mr. Mickey,

    I'm a devastatingly sexy fashion world exec with X-rated rumors swirling all around me. Some say I'm a bisexual slut. Others say I'm a seductive withholder. Everyone thinks I've slept my way to the top. The reality is none of that's true and I'm just a hunky gay guy who sits home most nights watching reruns of Friends. (I'm Rachel with a splash of Phoebe!) Should I worry about all the lies that get spread about me?

    Signed,
    -- Shy Boy, Not Sex Addict


    Dear Shy Boy,

    I'm a full-on Phoebe. And if I had to choose a male cast member to date I would definitely pick Ross in the episode where he wears the leather pants. But that's neither here nor there. You're in a difficult situation because no one likes to have nasty lies spread about them. Unfortunately Mr. Mickey and every member of the Kardashian family know that even a teensy-weensy bit of spotlight gets people shit-talking! One day Mr. Mickey got a tweet from a fan saying, "I love you Mr. Mickey. Never mind the haters!" And I was like, "Haters? What haters? Since when do I have haters? Why do they hate me?" Yes my friend, I'm like Betty White on that episode of Golden Girls where she goes completely crazy because that one man doesn't like her. It makes me crazy to think anyone hates me. But with a few decades of therapy Mr. Mickey has learned to accept that sometimes some poor confused and deluded fools are not gonna love Mr. Mickey. Your situation is more extreme in that lots of people seem to be confused about you. The good news is they're talking about you. The other good news is that eventually people will talk about something and someone else, particularly if you don't give them any fuel for the fire. So just do your thing and be yourself. In the end that's all you can do and all that matters. And if you get tired of Friends reruns give Golden Girls a try. I'm Sophia with a splash of Dorothy.

    Dear Mr. Mickey,

    I'm an editor at a super hip downtown magazine. We're known for discovering the coolest underground talent. We're currently working on our music issue and I'm afraid my deep dark secret will be exposed: I hate hipster bands and only listen to Broadway show tunes! How can I pass for a noise hip-hop-trap-nouveau R&B-loving cool girl?

    Signed,
    -- I'm a Queer One, Julie Jordan


    Dear Queer One,

    Anyone giving me a Carousel reference in her signature deserves a standing ovation as far as Mr. Mickey is concerned. Listen, girl, it's no secret that Mr. Mickey is a Broadway queen. They say there are three kinds of people who go to Broadway shows: Jews, homosexuals and Jewish homosexuals. If you don't fall into any of these categories, that makes you a rare breed! And Mr. Mickey says when you're a rare breed you gotta let your freak flag fly and in your case let it fly from the roof of the Music Box Theatre! MM is sure there are plenty of other people at your magazine who know about those freaky bands that play in Maspeth and get reviewed by Brooklyn Vegan. You just be you, pussycat. You go ahead and wait at the stage door to get an autograph from Pippin star Patina Miller while the other girls in your office hook up with the drummer from Vampire Weekend. We all have our area of expertise and it's no good pretending to be something we're not! Except, of course, when Mr. Mickey is pretending to be a qualified and respected journalist!



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    Turns out that Miley Cyrus' infinitely parody-able music video "We Can't Stop" can also be pretty creepy given the right circumstance. College Humor took away the actual Mike WiLL Made It-produced track and replaced it with the sounds the people in the video would actually be making if they were eating money/had steam spewing from their crotches/were slicing their own fingers off. Between Miley's vaguely threatening gyrating, the now-inexplicable twerking and the suddenly important-seeming symbols -- like the skeleton made of fries and, oh god, the giant teddy bears in heels -- the result is pretty terrifying. Watch above.

    [via Death and Taxes]


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  • 08/12/13--13:36: Recap: Tummy Tuck 90210
  • Each Monday, Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, will be recapping the Real Housewives of New Jersey for us. Below, their next installment.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-511-09.jpgCarey: Ah! Ah! Ah! They're baaaaaaaack. "We're back," Teresa whispers, hovering outside your bedroom window, 3 stories up, bringing with her a cloud of fog, dragging one long fingernail down the glass pane. "Invite me in," she whispers again, this time louder, almost a yell, her eyes yellow-wide, desperate. Yes! The ladies are back. What episode is this even? I'm not sure. I don't know what year it is anymore. What season, what month?

    That's not true. I at least know that it's winter on the Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's always winter -- always the period between late afternoon and dusk, when the world is gasping for one more glimpse of sunlight and the night is dangling the pocket of air like an old dog straining its neck for meat hanging by a string above it.

    Eli: I've expressed my concerns with whether any of these people genuinely exist in our universe before. I think it's possible that the producers of this show, while excavating an ancient civilization site, found a crystal that allows the user to see into a parallel universe. They reported their other findings as normal, but smuggled the crystal back to America. Once there, they set it up above New Jersey before focusing a satellite's gaze squarely through it, which allows them to see all that is happening in the New Jersey of this alternate universe. Then they do the talking heads with CGI.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-511-01.jpgCarey: Anyway, we're back where we left off with Teresa and Jacqueline, still at their reconciliation meet up. Apparently Teresa had said something to the degree of "Jacqueline should spend less time on Twitter and more time focusing on her Autistic son." Not cool, Tre. She even realizes how shameful her statement was and REDACTS it. "I'm saaaaaarry about your son," Teresa says. SARRRRRY JACQUELINE. SAAAARRY. They agree to be civil with each other, and Teresa tells Jacqueline to just "text her" any time J-Dawg has an issue with T. Always the solution! Text! Let's text. Then they go down to the cigar room where men are men and Juicy Joe and Chris puff cigars and they all laugh laugh laugh while still hurling a few "Wellllll maybe don't say _____ about me next time!"'s at each other. Ok, great!

    Eli: Jacqueline calls Teresa a sociopath, which, though strong, is closer than other accusations that have been made. Unfortunately, it's not quite as effective because Teresa does not know what it means.

    Carey: I just need to mention the greatest line in television history: "Blk water will suffer without you," Chris Laurita says this to his nephews in his office. Blk water is suffering. We are suffering. We are famine.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-511-04.jpgEli: My reaction to Blk is always the same as my reaction when I was younger and my mom bought me that "Heinz Green Ketchup" that they made for a while. I know it probably tastes perfectly fine, but it is just wrong. Ketchup isn't green, and green ketchup isn't something I want to put in my mouth. On the same note, when I am looking for cool, refreshing drink of water, anti-lectrolytes and el-tioxidants or not, my brain doesn't immediately go, "WE NEED SOMETHING THE COLOR OF ASPHALT. SWEET REFRESHING TAR IN THE THROAT FOR SOOTHING COOLNESS." I guess an easier way to say this is that it looks gross. It seems that Caroline's sons are going for the risky business maneuver of supplementing one failing business by opening another very low-profit business.

    Carey: Gia and Joe Gorga (AKA "Tio Joe") have a DATE. Sorry, that was gross. But, yes, Uncle Joe and his goddaughter have a long overdue bonding sesh at a go-kart complex. Teresa listens in on Gia and her girlfriends doing their makeup in one of the grand bathrooms of the Giudice crypt. Gia chitchats about being excited about hanging out with her uncle, and how it's been so hard with all the dramz between him and her mom. Then she says, "I mean, I was like, in love with him when I was little." Then I screamed into a sink filled with ice cubes. The show's editing definitely tries to ramp up the creepy factor in all this. But what IS authentically creepy is how Teresa's fixation with her brother has obviously been inherited by her daughter. You almost get the sense of competitiveness for Gorgon Joe between Tre and Gi; this silent, weighty resentment. Maybe you don't, though! Maybe I am terrible and ill. I hope I am. I really, do.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-511-14.jpg
    Eli: Sadly, I think we are all sick with this particular ailment. There is some very strange familial tension between Gia and Joe and Teresa and Joe. However, Gia's infatuation does take the dubious crown of making Teresa's weird behavior seem 100 times more palatable. After the go-karting, Joe and Gia sit down for a good ol' authentic go-kart track pizza pie, and start to talk. Gia mostly. In one long speech that sounds like she's saying it for the very first time. I almost want to re-watch and check reflections in the glassware for the cue cards. Whether Gia crafted this in her little hollow or this was written for her, it's clear none of this is coming off the dome. But, wherever the source, Gia delivers her lines pretty convincingly, which saddens Tio Joe -- Which I can't stop saying to the tune of G. I. JOEEEEEEEEEEEE -- and makes him realize how fragmented their family has become. Joe has a realization that maybe the decisions they've made -- while surrounded by the cameras that they have decided should follow their families through every single thing they do and broadcast that footage, heavily edited, for the entire country to see and publicly judge -- have not been healthy for their family growth. But you know, that's probably not a big deal.

    Carey: The Manzos throw a goodbye party at the Brownstone for Albie and Chris's BFF/former HOBOKEN roommate Greg, who was prominently featured in previous seasons. He'd usually spout these "witty," *sassy* quips about the various dramas unfolding, but generally seemed to be well (maybe even blissfully) aware of the show's absurdity -- which always made him a welcomed breath of fresh air in this cornucopia of self-seriousness. Alas, Greg is moving to San Fran. The whole clan (minus Giudice) gather 'round the table, and they bring out a large wicker chair draped with white fabric and ribbon for Greg to sit in. Because Greg is gaaaaay! Gay gay gay! Caroline cries that wonderful, horrifying Caroline cry and gives him a gift and it's genuinely sweet. Then Chris says, "I bet Greg will get to San Fran, and throw his hat in the air like Mary Tyler Moore and come back home!" Haha!! Mhmm yeah, Chris!! Yeah, girl!!! Mhmmmm! Yeah!!!

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-511-26.jpgEli: Greg will not be back.

    Carey: Jacqueline heads to LA the NEXT day for some R&R and a tummy tuck. To her credit, Jacqueline deserves a nice vacation. The necessity of her surgery is definitely in question. (Why are you doing this?) It does give her a chance to see her semi-estranged daughter Ashlee, who packed her bags and left NJ for Cali last year after her self-destructive behavior became too much for Jac and her hubby. Ashleeeeeeeee. Ashlee is doing great in LA! She blogs now! She blogs for "Buzznet.com." Her name is the first name you see after Googling Buzznet. The tag line in her Buzznet blogger profile is "Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing to follow your dreams..." Hell yeah!!! I'm going to get this tatted on my face. Jacqueline's parents come, too, and they all go to dinner the night before the surgery and Jacqueline keeps saying, "I want shots." I want a shot, too, Jacqueline. Or at least I should have taken some before witnessing the tummy tuck surgery.

    Eli: Also, it should be said that the surgeon had warned Jacqueline not to eat very much and not to drink before surgery. She follows this by eating a giant taco salad and taking shots of tequila. I was curious as to exactly why this was, so I looked it up. You are not supposed to eat for 24 hours before surgery because, while under anesthesia, you have a breathing tube inserted into your lungs, and if your esophagus opens during this, there's a risk of "aspiration pneumonia," which is the medical term for "your lungs will fill with taco salad." Also, alcohol thins your blood and makes it clot less effectively. But you know, if you have to go out, the two ways I'd choose are bleeding out on a creepy plastic surgeon or with a lung full of guac. There's also the other reason she shouldn't be taking tequila shots, which is that she's a goddamn adult. Once you're a mom of 3, you should be drinking Trader Joe's chardonnay and rubbing one out to Tyler Florence like everybody else.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-511-30.jpgCarey: They show a lot of it. The surgeon is kind of this terrible gross pig and says, while operating, "Wait till she (Jacqueline) sees how much skin I removed." She makes it out of the surg fine, but not before there is a nice, delicious shot of her two bloody slabs of fat removed from her person on the operating table.

    Eli: These, of course, will be bartered for goods and services.

    Carey: After Ashlee and her parents left the hospital room, Jacqueline fell asleep. A deep, aching sleep. She was happy to be away from New Jersey, and all the struggling and shouting. In her dream, she was standing in the middle of a large cornfield. The light was gold, sugary. And ahead of her, several hundred yards away, was a small girl. Her face was blurred, unrecognizable. She was calling out to Jacqueline, only there was no sound except the low wind ruffling the stalks of corn. Jacqueline shuffled forward, reaching out to the girl, trying to assure her that everything would be okay. The girl started sinking below into the ground, grabbing at roots and loose soil to stop it. Jacqueline then looked next to her, having felt a sudden and alien blast of cold. Danielle Staub was now standing to her right. Jacqueline turned forward again. They both just stared, watching the girl sink farther and quicker into the earth. "What's happening to her?" Jacqueline asked Danielle without looking at her. "She has to put herself into the ground," Danielle said.

    Eli: Jacqueline's face started twitching and jerking. She began to rock in her tank. The aide noticed, and grabbed his walkie talkie. "Sir, NJ #6 is fighting. Request assistance." A tall, stern man in a lab coat strode angrily into the lab, wiping away errant Pad Thai sauce from his chin. "I was in the middle of lunch, Jonathan, what is it?" "It's NJ #6, sir... I'm worried she may wake up." The man's face stiffened.

    "What happened?"

    "The sedatives, sir... they allowed her to enter a deep sub-conscious state. The messages are cryptic at best, but if she can decode them..." They both watched as Jacqueline quietly spasmed. The man turned to the aide. "There's not much we can do to stop her, only to prolong it. Populate her dream state with errant leads. Red herrings, if you will. Try to cloud her subconscious with irrelevant information. We can't have her waking up before the conclusion of the season." The aide nodded, and went to work on a console attached to the tank. Electrodes attached to Jacqueline's shaved head glowed, little bubbles escaping. Satisfied, the aide stood back up. He walked down the aisle between the many tanks, each housing the slack body of one of the housewives. Above them, a screen showed statistics and a representation of the husband that had been programmed for them. Complicated algorithms rushed by on smaller screens. He stopped at a tank at the very end of the room. He reaches up, and switches the monitors off. He types a code into the side of the pod, and the saline solution inside drains out. The pod door is heaved open and a towel proffered forth. A shaky, wet hand reaches out and receives the towel. Greg Bennett steps unsteadily out of the pod. The aide smiles at him. "Welcome to San Francisco, Mr. Bennett. We've got a lot to show you."








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    As a complement to Chris Johanson's show Within the River of Time Is My Mind, on view now at MOCA Pacific Designer Center, the artist and the museum have released a soothing new video of the same name. Directed by filmmaker Wyatt Troll, the footage shows the painter and street artist (and PAPER Guru) cooking dinner in his Echo Park kitchen while discussing his pieces in the show and his creative process. "I'm happy to make simple art -- that's all that I want," Johanson says as shots of boiling pasta, the night sky and the artist in bed flash by. As Tibetan bells ring, we next see the artist waking up in the desert where he finds his wife, artist Johanna Jackson, underneath a creosote bush. As Johanson paints water colors alongside his wife, he discusses the relationship between his art and his marriage. The clip ends with Johanson repeating his maxim -- "I'm just happy to make simple art, that's all that I want" -- while surveying his exhibit. Check out the film, above.

    Within the River of Time Is My Mind is on display at the MOCA Pacific Design Center through October 13.

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    Now that the trailer has been released, we can say for sure that the new Carine Roitfeld documentary Mademoiselle C will be a star-studded affair featuring every high-profile designer who's willing to get in front of a video camera. The trailer combines snippets of interviews with fashion heavyweights like Alber Elbaz, Diane von Furstenberg, Karl Lagerfeld, Tom Ford, Riccardo Tisci and Bruce Weber with shots of Carine producing the first issue of her new mag CR Fashion Book and generally being a BAMF. Directed by Fabien Constant, Mademoiselle C was created by the same production company that made the Vogue-centric doc The September Issue. Ironically, Mademoiselle C's central drama seems to be caused by Vogue's parent company: in the trailer, Carine makes a comment alluding to her reported difficulties finding photographers that Condé Nast hadn't forbidden from working with her. Hopefully the film will balance out the seriousness of a photographer embargo with scenes of Big Ang spilling out of a bathing suit and Carine explaining why she loves GIFs. Watch above.

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    The perennially twee British duo Summer Camp have a new single following last year's disco-tinged hit, "Always." The new track, "Fresh," which appears on their upcoming eponymous album is all about flirty, bubbly summer love and, accordingly, the video is all about bright colors and fresh flowers. Though those flowers might be torn apart and plucked by frontwoman Elizabeth Sankey as the camera zooms, stops and rewinds the footage, but "Fresh" still makes us want to go out and find a lovah before the summer is over. Watch above.

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    Screen Shot 2013-08-12 at 5.57.26 PM.pngDads at One Direction concerts, we salute you. [via The Daily What]

    tumblr_mkpehjgjre1qbjaizo1_500.gifPick again. [via Tall Whitney]

    tumblr_mglzviO78P1rtymi0o1_500.jpgReal talk. [via Afternoon Snooze Button]



    We don't know how we missed the University of Florida's Pathology lab's parody of Macklemore's "Thrift Shop" but we did and now we watched it and it is awesome. We want to have our lab tests conducted by the U of F pathology lab from here on out. [via Laughing Squid]

    Screen shot 2013-08-12 at 7.16.38 PM.pngBuzzfeed had the brilliant idea of going to the Gathering of the Juggalos and asking juggalos and juggalettes what advice they have for Anthony Weiner. In other news, that guy's contact lenses are giving us nightmares.



    ICYMI: Here's a super cut of Larry David being very un-Larry David in a short-lived '80s-era sketch comedy show called Fridays. [via Vulture]

    tumblr_mr7erbRKkS1qz7lxdo1_500.jpgWe interrupt this scheduled programming to bring you a breaking news story: the jury rules in favor of twerking. Express yo' self. [via Julia Segal]



    Here's a comedian singing '80s classic "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while impersonating 19 different divas including Adele, Cher, Barbra Streisand, and Britney Spears. Someone should fix her up with the "Bohemian Rhapsody" impersonations guy. [via Gawker]



    Aww look at this baby giant panda get reunited with its mother after the two had been apart for 31 days since the time of its birth. So.many.cute.squealing.noises! [via Hyper Vocal]

    tumblr_mlg4z5QQze1qjxp7ko1_r1_500.jpgArt. [via Coin Farts]


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    LLLshakespeareinthepark.jpg (L-R) Colin Donnell, Lucas Near-Verbrugghe, Bryce Pinkham and Daniel Breaker. Photo: Joan Marcus.


    Daniel Breaker has played everything from a struggling artist in the avant-musical Passing Strange to Donkey in Shrek on Broadway, but this is his first time tackling New York's summer institution, Shakespeare in the Park. He's currently starring in Alex Timbers and Michael Friedman's hilarious, snark-filled musical adaptation of the Bard's Love's Labour's Lost, which opened last night at Central Park's Delacorte Theater. Breaker plays the King, who persuades his friends (Colin Donnell, Lucas Near-Verbrugghe, Bryce Pinkham) to take a post-college vow of celibacy (in this version that means no women, porn, bongs or video games...) to study the classics and lead a more virtuous life. But of course, when the Princess comes by with her court on some unfinished business, the boys are tempted to put down the books and pick up the girls. Yes, the lines can be outrageously long to get a free ticket, but Friedman's original music, Timbers' clever script that mixes Shakespeare's original language with modern-day quips and the adorable and multifaceted cast that includes SNL-star Rachel Dratch as a goofball academic, make it well worth the wait.  Here we chat with Breaker about performing in the wilds of Central Park and singing in the rain -- literally.


    The night I attended Love's Labour's Lost it was raining on and off and they had to call the show. What's going through your mind when you start to feel the rain? 

    First off, I was so surprised that the audience came even when it was raining. It was really beautiful. When we first started I was thinking, "I don't know how they're going to respond to this. I don't know how we're going to get through this. I'm going to fall and break my face." When the rain was really starting to come down on the stage it was a real thrill and by the time they cancelled the show we were really disappointed.   

    Have there been any other extreme weather situations?  

    We were tech-ing the show during the heat wave and we were literally in swimsuits because it was just that hot. [Composer] Michael Friedman even bought us a slushy machine. So there we were, drinking slushies, downing gallons of water, trying not to collapse. It was wild. But by the time previews started it was like a cold spell.  

    Had you done Shakespeare in the Park before? 

    Everyone in the cast are newcomers to Shakespeare in the Park with the exception of Lucas [Near-Verbrugghe] who had a part in one many years ago. It takes a certain kind of muscle to get through these shows. It's so large-scale in terms of space. I think it fits almost 1800 seats; that's a really interesting challenge having to perform live for that many people [with that constant energy]. The audience is so excited to be there. When I'm coming up to the theatre and I see the long line of people on standby trying to get a ticket, it puts a pep in my step. It's better than coffee. 

    Have you ever waited in that long line to see Shakespeare in the Park?

    When I was in college I waited 17 hours with about eight friends of mine to see The Seagull with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep. We had snacks, we would do a Word of the Hour, we played cards, we ate pizza -- we were utterly exhausted. I think my girlfriend at the time got sick off of eating some really bad tuna, but she was determined to stay there in the audience. It's such an honor to be a part of an event that feels like a true New York City staple -- whether you're in the audience exhausted from waiting in line or on stage putting on the show -- it's all a thrill.

    Are you a big Shakespeare fan?  


    I am a die-hard Shakespeare fan. I fell in love with Shakespeare while at Julliard and then I spent time at the Shakespeare theatre in DC where I learned how to do a long-running show. But I've always been a fan of the Bard. But this particular revival of Love's Labour's Lost with the modern text is quite seamless. Half the people in the audience aren't necessarily Shakespeare aficionados and it's probably quite thrilling to hear the [original] Shakespeare text and then have us go into a modern joke here and there.  

    What would be your dream Shakespeare role to play? 
    I had a lot of fun with [As You Like It's] Touchstone back in the day. Henry V is a fun one. I'm drawn more to Iago than Othello. I guess I'm supposed to say Hamlet.? So I'll say Hamlet.  

    What is the biggest challenge of performing in the park? 

    It's like National Geographic backstage. There's so much going on back there. Mosquitos, cobwebs, frogs -- it's the outback. And I guess every once and a while you get some elements from the audience itself. Yesterday we had a baby in the front row that was going buck wild. That one-year-old was a real connoisseur of Shakespeare. What we really have to watch out for are the helicopters that go directly over the Delacorte. 

    Do the noises ever throw you off?

    It depends on the moment. There was a great moment where Lucas [Near-Verbrugghe] is writing his sonnet and he's in -- what we call -- his "big pumpkin pants," and he did everything he could to acknowledge the helicopter and I think the audience really loved it. That's what's so great about the show being outdoors and the show being free. The audience thoroughly enjoys anything that feels improvised or new or original for the night.  

    You just never know what can happen. I feel more in tune with the actors at Shakespeare in the Park than at a normal Broadway show. It's like you're going through it together. 

    A couple nights ago, near the end of the play, there's a sad moment -- I don't want to give it away -- but near the sad section it started raining. But it was raining so lightly that the audience didn't necessarily realize that it was also raining on them. A few friends of mine were in the show that night and thought it was a light cue. It was such a magical moment. The wind was blowing and it happened to be a full moon. It was absolutely gorgeous. I can't imagine that we will have many more events like that during the show.  




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    OC_elvis_JH_15.jpgIn honor of Graceland's annual Elvis Week, Opening Ceremony, in association with Elvis Presley Enterprises, is launching a new 22-piece capsule collection dedicated to the beloved King of Rock 'n' Roll. OC are no newbs to rad collaborations with iconic musicians (ahem, OC x Yoko Ono's wacky line anyone?) and this one is sure to be breaking some hearts this season. The line includes a jean jacket with "Love Me Tender" scrolling the back, a sweater with crystal details in the style of Elvis' legendary "Taking Care of Business" ring (above), and t-shirts with archival photographs paying homage to Mr. Presley's hunkiest moments. And for the guys, the store will even be carrying some special blue suede versions of various Opening Ceremony's men's footwear styles. Check out lookbook images of the capsule collection, below, which were shot by British photographer Jamie Hawkesworth and modeled by Memphis locals. You can find the entire collection HERE.


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    Yoko Ono's Plastic Ono Band brought on the Beastie Boys' Mike D and Ad-Rock for their new single, "Bad Dancer." Yoko starts the track intoning "when your heart is dancing, your mind is bouncing," and the beat really takes those words to heart. It's also a great anthem for the rhythmically challenged, as the lyrics stress that you can and should bust a move even if your mild thrashing earns you nothing but shade. YOPOB's new album Take Me to the Land of Hell  includes guest spots from tUnE-yArDs, ?estlove and Miike Snow's Andrew Wyatt, among others, and is out September 17.

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