Inside Your New Favorite Reference Text, "Everything You Need To Know About The Goth Scene"

Are you an "entry level" teen goth? Eager to learn about the ins and outs of walking on the dark side? Well look no further, because The Need to Know Library (purveyors of suburban teen guides to cults and street gangs written by an old white guy with a PhD) published the definitive deep dive into goth subculture -- and it's a trip.

I mean, look at this incredible cover:

So obviously, this is perfect introduction for teens ages 11-17 to learn about goths in a pretty large-font, glossed-over way. This includes a hilarious set of requisite Goth 101 interests including the works of Nietzche [sic] and Nick Cave.

But mad shout-outs to any darkness-loving teen reading Ann Radcliffe rn.

Penned in 2010 by a "freelance editor and writer based in Brooklyn" named Kerry Acker (who dedicates it to her parents, no less), this gem is a comprehensive peek into the dark, teen subculture, from its origins with the medieval Visigoths to the modern musical sensations you've never heard of like "Love Is Colder Than Death." And as a former early Internet goth, her sourcing in the back really rings true, as it ranges from the official websites of Anne Rice and Bauhaus to a now defunct Angelfire-esque site penned by someone named "icprncs."

Granted, her lists of what to wear and what music to listen to is whatever, but what you should really come here for are well-intended insights into a subculture that would probably never leave their all-black bedroom again if they knew this mom-splanation book re: #darkness existed. 

Choice excerpts include quotables such as, "Some goths go to school, are married, have children, or have careers -- even corporate ones" and "When goths are alone, they do a lot of the same things non-Goths do -- eat, read relax." After all, Acker's book will definitively turn your world upside down and beat down the stereotypes that goths are addicted to blood and can't sustain healthy relationships  -- even if she prefaces the entire thing with a counterintuitive spiel about the Columbine shooters...in the service of humanizing a subculture typically misunderstood by mainstream media. 

Either way, it's the perfect gag book for your coffin-side table in your guest room. Stock up on this rarity via Amazon while you can.