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The Bachelorette Episode 3: Going For Broke(back)

We begin right where we left off, in the middle of Kupah's meltdown, which really did not have to be a cliffhanger. Here's what happened: He's upset he's going home and angry by the possibility of being used as "filler" to thinly disguise the very real race problem this show has. Is that a valid perspective? Of course. Does that have anything to do with why Kaitlyn sent him home? It does not. He gives the parting gift of negging himself by saying that he's been dissed by "uglier girls" and infers that Kaitlyn may believe he has chlamydia, which is impossible. You can bring a lot on this show (mysoginism, homophobia, paternalism), but you can't bring STDs.

On to the rose ceremony! It's too early to care about people who go home this early, so we're saying goodbye to Daniel the fashion designer and Cory, about whom I have nothing to say, because he got no screen time.

The first group date has the boys sumo wrestling, which is genius. They have to wear what can really only be described as very loose diapers, which is very strategic and helpful for Kaitlyn, as she can truly tell who has the largest balls of the group. One of their sumo instructors has the distinction of being the largest Japanese human being ever, and I shame myself and my country because my first thought was "Oh, he's not that big." Might be time to stop watching My 600 Pound Life.

All the guys have fun with it except for Tony, who somehow thinks he has a shot at winning against a real sumo wrestler. He giggles wildly and engages in some frantic shoving, before throwing a temper tantrum. Shoutout to industrial welder Joshua, who is quickly becoming one of my favorites, for this soundbite: "These [sumo wrestlers] must really have some calloused-up weenies."

Back to Tony, who speaks like he's constantly auditioning for a Ted Talk. Tony has a problem with all the aggression shown on the group dates, despite minutes before declaring no one to be ready for the sumo fury he's about to unleash. "I just want to do something peaceful and loving because that's who I am," says the man in an adult diaper. He tells her he "views the world through the eyes of a child" (how's that for maturity) and "has the spirit of a gypsy." I would have told Tony that goats do roam and to head for the hills, but Kaitlyn tries her best to mollify him, despite JJ's attempts to insert himself into the situation.

Next the guys head to a public sumo exhibition, which Tony skips. The remaining guys face off in a round robin, and Clint wins because he used to wrestle and takes this too seriously. Back at the house, Tony is still complaining, this time to Joshua. "Why can't we go to the zoo, and imitate animals? Who makes the best elephant noise?" I'd love to know the answer to that, actually. My guess would be Joshua. Tony packs up his stuff and leaves on his own, which is a great development. He goes and finds Kaitlyn, who could not care less.

At the cocktail party, JJ thinks Kaitlyn looks great in leather pants (co-sign) and Clint thinks it would be wise to take a knee tonight and not talk to her at all. Instead, he straight-up ignores her. "I would expect that if she cared about getting to know me she would put forth an effort," he says, which is exactly what she did by inviting him on a one-on-one and a group date. Clint, you look like the villain in a Pixar movie and this is a horrible "strategy."

Shawn B. (poor man's Ryan Gosling) has never fallen for someone "so fast so quickly," which guarantees him the date rose. See, Clint? Attention and consideration! They work. Clint seems to see the writing on the wall, and the groundwork is laid for the subplot of this episode: Clint and JJ, two men, might want to do sex to one another at some point. Ha, ha! Can you even imagine two grown men wanting such a thing? Wait, I can. More of this insufferable non-story later.

Chris Harrison took the autonomy, I mean pleasure, in choosing Kaitlyn's one-on-one date. Ben Z., you're up! He is, as Kaitlyn perfectly puts it, "babe soda." Drink it up and hope if fortifies you, because Chris Harrison has chosen to send them on something called "The Basement: A Live Escape Experience." Abduction and escape -- what a fun and sexy date for a woman! She and Ben Z. have to figure out some easy riddles in scary places to escape this horror show, and we find out Kaitlyn is scared of pigeons. Me too! They are bird-rats and deserve no sympathy.

Ben Z. heads back to Kaitlyn's house for a low-key pizza dinner, and we find out that he hasn't cried since his mother's death 11 years ago, which is very sad. JJ and I have a bet that he'll finally shed those tears once Kaitlyn eventually sends him home. Can't wait, that'll be healthy for him. For now, however, Ben Z. and his barrel chest get the rose.

Second group date! Jared, Joshua, Ben H., Ryan, Joshua and Tanner are off to teach some middle schoolers about sex education, which is definitely something our country is clear and helpful about at large. Joshua adorably refers to Tampons as "tam-pens" and we're off. It turns out the children are actually child actors which is supposed to make this all fine, I suppose. Does being a child actor come with some type of maturity clause I'm not aware of? The ballad of Kim Richards tells me no. They even bleep out some of the "naughty" words (you're up, "clitoris" and "penis") and I'm confused as to why children can hear these words but the national television audience cannot. Some highlights:

Ryan B. says that the clitoris is  "arguably one of the more important parts of the female anatomy," and "if you want girls to like you you should know what that is... that's what makes her want to have sex with you again."

Joshua: "Girls, don't be freaked out, but the lining of your uterus is about to shed. It kind of like...dies. About once a month." This is fairly accurate. As Josh pantomimes inserting a tampon (which he calls a "little torpedo") into a model of a vagina, the black box appears, because apparently seeing a real tampon inside a fake vagina is just too much.

Ben H. steals the show when he fairly adorably describes reproduction, and uses meeting Kaitlyn as a way to illustrate falling in love. He also acts out being a "lucky sperm" that impregnates a woman, and it is somehow charming and adorable. Ben H., if you get to hometown dates you'll be the next bachelor. He also nabs the rose at the cocktail party, after competently dipping Kaitlyn mid-makeout.

Back to our Clint and JJ "romance." We see them hanging out by the pool, complimenting themselves ("We're the smartest" Clint tells JJ) and popping one another's back zits in the shower. Clint serenades JJ and says he's connected with him more than Kaitlyn, and that "we've grown very close...almost too close." Clint says "the possibility of coming on The Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind, but I believe in the process and at this point I'm a success story," he's smirking. He's not being serious. They both want screen time, and the producers cleverly edited their bromance to appear to be sexual in nature, because that is HiLaRiOuS. What an epic gag.

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony Clint is scrambling. He has no interest in her, but wants to remain on the show so he steals her away. His excuse for putting out zero effort?  His balls became lodged inside of him on the sumo date, so that's why he made zero effort to speak with her. He didn't have the balls. "Villains gotta vill" he tells JJ, a catchphrase that is perfect for him and that a producer suggested to him off-camera seconds before the cameras rolled. This approach somehow works, and it falls on Joshua to tell Kaitlyn point-blank they aren't here for her. "Clint and JJ are both two-faced...there's nothing else really to say, they clearly enjoy wearing the villain hat."

We end with Kaitlyn about to dumb Clint, which I am very excited to see. "Clint is one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history," she says, and I condur. Up next week? The return of Nick Viall, the runner-up and slut-shamer from Andi's season. Let's do this!


And, in other news, I had the pleasure of speaking on today's Here to Make Friends, The Huffington Post's very excellent Bachelorette podcast you should catch every week. Check it out below!

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