Best Mindfuck: Michael Bolton (musician) playing Michael Bolton (character) from Office Space in this Funny Or Die sketch. Michael Bolton -- the real one -- re-enacted scenes from the cult classic playing the rap music enthusiast, name-hating office employee by the same name. Now we're confused! -- Tené Young
Best Madonna Quote of the Week: This interview over at Noisey is full of incredible gems, but the prize has to go to Madonna's thoughts re: Drake: "There's enough Drake to go around. So I've heard." ;) -- Gabby Bess
Nightmare-Inducing Catch of the Week: This fucking enormous, record-breaking, barbed-ass-tail-having stingray, captured and released in Thailand. Not disturbing enough? It's also pregnant. -- James Rickman
Most Honest NYC Subway Map: This one by Thrillist. I'm really hoping the MTA actually starts implementing this in its Manhattan-bound trains. Any map that simply says "nope" next to the Times Square stop knows what's up. (Go HERE to see the whole thing.) -- Evan SiegelThe Best Gossip Story of All Time, Ever: This week's Page Six story about an alleged fight between Naomi Campbell and Cara Delevigne over Rihanna's honor. It includes possibly the best pull quote to ever be published in the history of pull quotes: "Cara pulled Naomi's weave, but it didn't come off -- Witness." Holy shit. -- Elizabeth Thompson
Best Celebrity Revelation of the Week: That Sean Penn is a fan of The Bachelor. The actor told Jimmy Kimmel that he and his girlfriend Charlize Theron tune in to the dating show and, for the record, he's #TeamKaitlyn. -- Abby Schreiber
Most Unique Way to Get A Massage: "Breast Massages." Certified massage therapist Kristy Love uses her size 48NN breasts -- weighing at 15.8 lbs each -- to 'squash' men during her massage sessions. How much will it cost you? $300/hr. -- T.Y.Most Confused Antiwar Song: "The Bomb Song," by Reggie Watts ft. the actual Tears For Fears guys! They go a little bit off-message at some point, realizing that the way to eliminate all bombs is to... bomb them... with lots more bombs. -- J.R.
Worst Invention: Pizza Condoms. A woman named Marina Malygina has created a condom that smells like pizza. Her thoughts on her creation? Exactly what we're all thinking: "Pizza and sex together -- that's just weird and incredibly disgusting." - T.Y.Craziest Fan Base: The Breaking Bad community. Years after Walter White threw a pizza on his roof, people are making the pilgrimage to his house to reenact the scene. The only problem is that there are people currently living there, who do not take kindly to having to clean cheese out of their gutters. Vince Gilligan, the creator of the show, even took to the Better Call Saul podcast to admonish his crazy fans. -- E.S.
Best Album Title of the Week: Kendrick Lamar's To Pimp A Butterfly. I have no idea what that phrase could mean, but I am READY to learn. The rapper told Rolling Stone that it "will be taught in college courses someday." -- G.B.
Most Fragrant, Sorry, Flagrant Understatement: "It's kind of gross." That's sewage-treatment worker Michael Brady, talking about the barrage of wet wipes, which turn out to be indestructible, plaguing our sanitation systems. What did it feel like for this journalist to write the words, "The city has spent more than $18 million in the past five years on wipe-related equipment problems"? -- J.R.