Life today is full of clichés -- but even that sounds like a cliché! There's just no avoiding the parade of banal obviousness, so let me name the 12 most prevalent -- and offensive -- examples, then duck under the nearest cliché for cover.1) If you go Dutch on a group dinner at a restaurant and you order the $8 clams, the $16 chicken, and a Diet Coke, your share of the bill will come to $150.
2) Every meal you're served will involve either kale, quinoa, or both -- even if you only ordered clams and chicken! And you can float it all down with a kale smoothie, followed by a quinoa spritzer, leading up to some kale and quinoa crème brulee topped with kale cream and quinoa sprinkles. The two delightful food items will reunite once again as you spew large chunks.
3) An aging pop singer/songwriter will be approached to do a Broadway jukebox musical which will consist of a watered down version of their life story interspersed with second-hand performances of their hit songs. They'll agree to it, as long as a family member produces (and sanitizes) it. They will then refuse to see the show, allegedly out of deep-seated fear, but finally they'll be coerced to do so -- by a publicist -- and will decide it's the best thing since fluffernutter sandwiches, after which they won't stop hocking it in your face for years. With kale juice.
4) Broadway audience members will text, eat, drink, talk, and answer the phone all through the show. And at the end, they will stand and cheer.
5) A celebrity won't answer a nice tweet because they're just so darned busy and overwhelmed by all their fans to personally deal with any of them. But call them a name or disagree with their politics and they're screeching right back at you, their fingers raw from all the righteous replying! I'm tempted to provoke some of them with just such a tweet, mainly so I can brag about my array of "Your mother sucks cocks in hell" messages from major icons.
6) Someone wildly untalented will start a kickstarter campaign for an allegedly amazing new video/feature/documentary they're just burning to make. By sheer aggression and other manipulative tactics, they will hoodwink you into funding something that will ultimately have you begging them to remove your credit on it.
7) An unattractive rock star will break up with his wife for a young Peruvian model. The new relationship will last a record-breaking two and a half weeks. The wife will take him back until the next model comes along.
8) Every new club in town will be billed as an exciting innovation which redefines everything nightlife has ever represented. You breathlessly walk in on opening night and see...table after table of bottle service!
9) A Thai restaurant will turn into a ramen noodle restaurant.
10) A ramen noodle restaurant will turn into a Greek taverna.
11) Your unemployed friend will leave New York City, giving that old alibi, "There's just no edge left." I'm sure her new studio apartment in Provo will be majorly groundbreaking.
12) A new song that isn't "feat." some extra artist will seem positively undernourished and go completely unnoticed. As a result, no one will ever dare to sing an uninterrupted solo again.
*And here's a bonus cliché -- yes, lucky number 13:
Someone will do a "list-icle" just like this one, consisting of the 12 biggest such and such. They'll even include a bonus cliché. And people will chime in with the inevitable, "But you forgot so and so!" So go ahead, people. Fulfill your part of the cliché bargain. Lord knows I've fulfilled mine.
