Fact: Soccer players are hotties and hotties are soccer players. And nowhere is there a greater concentration of baes than at the World Cup, when chiseled, stubbled, floppily coiffed players from 32 different countries converge on Brazil for a month. (As if they needed more hunks.)
While we'll leave the incisive sports analysis to our friends over at ESPN, we've decided to make our own tournament bracket for -- that's right -- the 'Hottest Player In the World Cup.' We've picked the biggest cutie from each of the 32 different teams participating and, like the Cup itself, separated them into eight different groups with four players each. But because this is PAPER -- and not FIFA -- deciding the groups, we divided the guys into categories based on their prevailing hot dude features: Beards, Clean Shaven, Long Hair, Buzzed Heads, Metrosexuals, Tattoos, Williamsburg Haircut, and Hot Guy Next Door. Throughout the next month, we'll be pitting these guys head-to-head, perfectly-sculpted cheekbone-to-perfectly sculpted cheekbone and eliminating the competition until only one mega babe remains.
Below, ogle the playing field.
Group A:
Nicolas N'Koulou, Defender for CameroonC'mon now, look at that tousled hair and smoldering -- yet aloof -- stare!
Mario Yepes, Defender for ColombiaMario seems like the kind of guy who probably uses $50 shampoo and we're totally okay with that. Points for his Jesus vibes.
Graham Zusi, Midfielder for U.S.While his shaggy locks are the main focus here, can we also direct your attention to his perfectly square handsome-guy cartoon character jaw?
Miiko Albornoz, Defender for ChileMiiko looks like the type of guy who will love you and leave you and also looks really nice in a three-piece suit. Loves to day drink, but is looking at his texts on the reg. Actually, get out of here, Miiko. Just kidding, come back Miiko.
Group B:
Adam Kwarasey, Goalkeeper for GhanaGaze for days.
Glen Johnson, Defender for EnglandWe swoon over guys like Glen who have such a versatile hair game (though prefer the close crop). Five o' clock shadow tells you it's time to DO IT WITH HIM.
Jerry Bengtson, Forward for Honduras
Vincent Enyeama, Goalkeeper for NigeriaVincent is #FIERY and is pointing at the poolside cabana where you are going to make out with him later. Thanks for the directions, kid.
Group C:
Cristiano Ronaldo, Forward for PortugalOf course we had to put Ronaldo in here. Even with that douche-y look on his face, we'd never pass up some 'relaxing time' with him.
Hotaru Yamaguchi, Midfielder for JapanThe bleached hair is giving us (very welcome) throwbacks to 1999.
Neymar, Forward for BrazilThere is so much going on with Neymar's look, from the double piercings to the razor-cut hair to the stubble to the wrist tattoo. It's like 2004 is just going and going and going forever. You'd probably have to listen to a LOT of Panic at the Disco hanging out with this dude, so that's something to seriously consider here.
Eduardo, Forward for CroatiaEduardo is EXACTLY the kind of guy you want to meet at a beach club somewhere, marvel at his tastefully manicured brows, and then never talk to again.
Group D:
Carl Medjani, Defender for AlgeriaEven if you aren't into sleeves, still: Dem cheekbones.
Ezequiel Lavezzi, Forward for ArgentinaEzequiel could probably bench press you but would cry about EVERYTHING.
Tim Cahill, Forward for AustraliaTim forgot to hug you today. Here he comes! Get ready!
Claudio Marchisio, Midfielder for ItalyTHOSE EYES THO.
Group E:
Boubacar Barry, Goalkeeper for Côte d'IvoireWe'd be happy to console Boubacar any time.
Ehsan Hajsafi, Midfielder for Iran
We're getting major "that-hottie-on-the-L-train-you-always-lock-eyes-with" vibes from Ehsan.
Gabriel Achilier, Defender for EcuadorProps to Gabriel's way elaborate facial hair and even more props to his perfectly symmetrical features.
Gerard Pique, Defender for SpainMr. Shakira can call us, uh, "whenever wherever." (Sorry.)
Group F:
Francisco Rodriguez, Defender for MexicoHow can you resist Francisco?!
Fabian Schär, Defender for SwitzerlandFabian would probably ask you to watch him wash his car and weird stuff like that, but, OK, fine.
Luis Suarez, Forward for UruguayLuis looks like a real fun guy who would laugh at literally everything you said and call you "girl."
Robin Van Persie, Forward for the NetherlandsRobin is a hot, intense guy with the sweetest little nugget of a name. Robin! Boop!
Group G:
Panagiotis Kone, Midfielder for GreeceHe looks like he should be in a Dolce&Gabbana ad. *A Dolce&Gabbana underwear ad.*
Toby Alderweireled, Defender for BelgiumTotally getting "parched dude who doesn't believe in sunscreen, raging on McCarren's hipster beach with his guys after winning the softball game" vibes from him.
Tino Sven Susic, Midfielder for Bosnia and Herzegovina
Olivier Giroud, Forward for FranceI can't hear you because I'm hot. (But maybe I also look a little like that one guy from Color Me Badd, which, you know, some people might be into. No judgements here.)
Group H:
Celso Borges, Midfielder for Costa RicaSomething tells us Celso has a secret sensitive side.
Manuel Neuer, Goalkeeper for GermanyManuel is just a normal hang-out kind of dude who might finally get into sailing one day and will never let anyone talk bad about his family.
Park Chu-young, Forward for KoreaPark looks like a real cute, nice guy who all your friends will approve of. He likes snacks and quiet afternoons.
Maksim Kanunnikov, Forward for RussiaMaksim doesn't have time for pretty boy antics and we approve of his normal, hot butch dude look.