The editors at Papermag have been hounding me to do a list of the celebrity men whom I'm embarrassed to want to sleep with. Unfortunately I've arrived at a point in my life where I'm not embarrassed to admit anything, let alone the fact that I'm horny for a TV Soap Opera priest. Below, my top 8 only vaguely shameful crushes.
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1. Father Eric Brady from Days of Our Lives.
OK, so he's not a real person but I suppose one shouldn't run around announcing they want to perform unnatural acts on a man of the cloth, TV or otherwise.
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2. Larry Caputo Sr and Larry Caputo Jr from Long Island Medium.
This is the first time I've had a father and son on my list. It was simply too difficult to choose which Caputo makes my panties moister. One is the perfect bike daddy and the other is the perfect Guido college-boy fantasy.
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3. Mayor Bloomberg.
What can I say, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Throw in the Mayor's diminutive status and ya got a real sexy Napoleon moment happening. Call me Josephine!
Photo by Kristen Artz/New York City Mayor's Office via the New York Times.
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4. James Brolin.
I don't know why I'm including James Brolin on this list. I think most people find him super-sexy. I guess I'm just afraid to tangle with his wife, Barbra Streisand -- them nails could do serious damage.
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5. All of One Direction.
Naturally Zayn is my favorite, followed by Louis. This does make me embarrassed because it's borderline NAMBLA for an old fart like me to lust after barely legal boy toys like them.
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6. Eddie Cibrian.
I just saw this soap star turned homewrecker on Hot in Cleveland, my favorite sitcom on TVLand, playing a Brony. (I'm not kidding.) His body wasn't what it was in the seminal film Living Out Loud, in which he played a masseuse/escort, but he still looked good enough to lick. I mean, eat.
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7. Danzig.
What can I say? I have a weakness for a muscle-bound metalhead who wears sheer blouses and has a kitty at home. So sue me.
1. Father Eric Brady from Days of Our Lives. OK, so he's not a real person but I suppose one shouldn't run around announcing they want to perform unnatural acts on a man of the cloth, TV or otherwise.
2. Larry Caputo Sr and Larry Caputo Jr from Long Island Medium.
This is the first time I've had a father and son on my list. It was simply too difficult to choose which Caputo makes my panties moister. One is the perfect bike daddy and the other is the perfect Guido college-boy fantasy.
3. Mayor Bloomberg. What can I say, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Throw in the Mayor's diminutive status and ya got a real sexy Napoleon moment happening. Call me Josephine!
Photo by Kristen Artz/New York City Mayor's Office via the New York Times.
4. James Brolin.
I don't know why I'm including James Brolin on this list. I think most people find him super-sexy. I guess I'm just afraid to tangle with his wife, Barbra Streisand -- them nails could do serious damage.
5. All of One Direction. Naturally Zayn is my favorite, followed by Louis. This does make me embarrassed because it's borderline NAMBLA for an old fart like me to lust after barely legal boy toys like them.
6. Eddie Cibrian.I just saw this soap star turned homewrecker on Hot in Cleveland, my favorite sitcom on TVLand, playing a Brony. (I'm not kidding.) His body wasn't what it was in the seminal film Living Out Loud, in which he played a masseuse/escort, but he still looked good enough to lick. I mean, eat.
7. Danzig. What can I say? I have a weakness for a muscle-bound metalhead who wears sheer blouses and has a kitty at home. So sue me.