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The Morning Funnies: Bill O'Reilly's a "Brother" & Stephen Colbert's Amazing New Ad

Everyone could use a good chuckle first thing in the morning. Which is why we decided to pen this new daily column, The Morning Funnies, featuring the five most hilarious things that we stumbled upon before lunchtime.


1. Watch a video wherein Bill O'Reilly proves that he knows the difference between Ice-T and Ice Cube to Fox News media critic Bernie Goldberg, explaining, "I'm a brother, man." [Buzzfeed]

2. Stephen Colbert's Super PAC released an amazing new ad that ran during last night's GOP debate in South Carolina wherein he urged South Carolinians to vote for Herman Cain. [Talking Points Memo]

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3. Behold: Drunk Ron Swanson

4. "What is Donkey Punch?" [The Daily What]

5. The first photo of Karl Lagerfeld's new kitten, Choupette. [Refinery 29, via V]

You've Got Mail Gets the Tribute Treatment

At long last, one of our all-time favorite rom-com's You've Got Mail is getting its proper due. Forced Meme Productions is teaming up with Housing Works for "We've Got Mail: An Interactive You've Got Mail Experience." In addition to an interactive screening of the classic Nora Ephron film (that will include a few "dial-up modem screech-alongs"), there will be door prizes from Upper West Side landmarks from the film ((Popover! Cafe Lalo!) and signed children's books from Shop Around the Corner. "The odd thing about this form of communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.

"We've Got Mail: An Interactive You've Got Mail Experience"
Feb. 15
Housing Works, 126 Crosby St.
6 p.m.

Taylor Swift Covers Vogue, Looks Very High-Fashion Hippie

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Ahhh! Taylor Swift looks so pretty on the new cover of Vogue. Very "Sienna Miller BoHo Chic" (sorry, eBay joke!). She also looks sort of like a painting! As Mr. Mickey says, "this photo makes me feel like she's someone you'd actually want to hang out with, instead of feeling like you're stuck as a chaperone at her high school prom." What do you think?

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Photo courtesy of Vogue/Mario Testino.

Portlandia Recap! Episode Two: "One Moore Episode"



Full disclosure: your humble Portlandia recapper lives in Greenpoint, Brooklyn and has a handful of friends who reside in Portland, Oregon. Whenever I ask my pals in these two hipster enclaves if they're watching Portlandia, the across-the-board response is: "I don't think that show's really that funny," or "Nah, it's kind of overhyped." This is surprising to me for a number of reasons, chiefly: Portlandia is one of the sharpest satires on TV in years! It is SO funny. Even if the show is poking fun at the hipster culture that we all participate in, surely we can take a step back and laugh at ourselves, right? But much in the same way that my Greek parents were horrified by My Big Fat Greek Wedding, or New Jersey Governor Chris Christie denied standard tax breaks to the production of Jersey Shore, it's harder to stomach comedy when you feel you're not laughing along with the audience, because they're laughing at you.

In "One Moore Episode," the second episode of Portlandia's second (so far, so stellar) season, Fred and Carrie come closest to developing a thesis statement for the show, one that reveals that this isn't simply a zany sketch comedy romp like Mr. Show or Kids in the Hall, but a comedic social commentary about how hipsters see themselves. In the third sketch of Friday night's episode, Jeff Goldblum guest-stars as Alan, the foppish owner of an artisan knot store. Fred and Carrie visit the shop (after reading about it in the Sunday Times) looking to buy a knot to give to a friend as a housewarming gift. They end up buying a set of tangled-up iPod earbuds. "An artist that we work with makes these by jamming them in his pocket," Goldblum says. "You can pair these with a rosé or even a burgundy." Fred and Carrie present the gift at the party, and the hostess takes the gift, goes down to her basement and places it on a table filled with other artisan knot gifts. The (very funny) joke: Hipsters pride themselves on thinking they're so unique, but in essence, they're all the same. It's a hipster's worst nightmare. The punchline to the sketch was the first time I could see why Portlandia gives my Portlander and Greenpoint friends the willies.

Because Fred and Carrie sharpen their claws with the writing in "One Moore Episode," it's also one of the series' sharpest episodes. The cold open sketch, "Allergy Pride Parade" casts Fred and Carrie as TV presenters at a Portland parade celebrating people who suffer from allergies to wheat, makeup, soy, bug bites, milk, Pad Thai and on and on. The sketch ends with Carrie's character dying because she's allergic to dextrose. I love that Portlandia doesn't shy away from heightening a sketch to the point where someone dies from the game of the scene. The show's fearlessness in getting laughs (and getting really dark sometimes) is one of its strengths.

The episode's title sketch, "One Moore Episode," finds Fred and Carrie getting dangerously addicted to Battlestar Galactica. Anyone who has watched that show (or The Wire or Doctor Who or Downton Abbey) can attest to the experience of needing to watch "one more episode" of the serial again and again to the point of exhaustion. This sketch taps into that TV viewing experience and heightens it to the point where Fred and Carrie lose their jobs from watching so much Battlestar. When they run out of episodes to watch, they track down (who they think is) the show's writer, Ronald D. Moore, to write one more episode. It climaxes with a hilarious read-through, featuring Edward James Olmos, and the actual Ronald D. Moore as a local Portland actor who is "currently playing the Mad Hatter."

This episode also features one of the biggest guest-stars of the season, Pearl Jam frontman (and Carrie's former Sleater-Kinney tourmate) Eddie Vedder. Kudos to Vedder, who's usually described as a humorless dude, for being game to poke fun at himself. The sketch's premise -- having a terrible tattoo - leads to some super silly animation, and even though Vedder is such a good sport, you can see why he hasn't acted since 1992's Singles. Vedder should stick to crooning "Betterman" and leave the acting to Anthony Kiedis.

Dowload "One Moore Episode" on iTunes here!

Tips for Today: Sharon Van Etten + Daniel Handler & Maira Kalman + Spanky & Nina

sharon-070311-01-581x387.jpgSharon Van Etten at Mercury Lounge 

In anticipation of the Brooklyn-based folk songstress's highly-anticipated forthcoming third album, Tramp (out Feb. 7 and produced by The National's Aaron Dessner), Sharon Van Etten is playing an intimate gig tonight at Mercury Lounge. 

Mercury Lounge, 217 E. Houston St. 7 p.m. $18.

Daniel Handler and Maira Kalman at Barnes & Noble

Daniel Handler (aka Lemony Snicket)'s latest, illustrated by the wonderful Maira Kalman, takes on junior high romance/sadness. Why We Broke Up takes the form of a letter, written by a young girl named Min Green as a way to explain to her ex-boyfriend Ed Slaterton why things had to end, and the specific items (a movie ticket stub, a protractor, a box of matches) that led to their break-up.

Barnes & Noble, 33 E. 17th St. 7 p.m. Free.

Spanky and Nina "Drawings and Sculpture" Opens at Fuse Gallery

Friends and collaborators Kevin "Spanky" Lang and Nina Milner have come together on a joint show to examine "their diverse creative origins through a practice of visual dialogue." Lang, known primarily as a professional skateboarder, paints fantastical critters. South African-born Milner is an abstract sculptor, constructing pieces out of resin and cotton.

Fuse Gallery, 93 Second Ave. Opening 7-10 p.m. Through Feb. 15.

Free Stuff Alert! Win a Ticket to See Storm Large at Le Poisson Rouge

p_0004.jpgTo celebrate Portland songstress and occasional Pink Martini member Storm Large's dishy new memoir, Crazy Enough, we're giving away two tickets to see her at Le Poisson Rouge this Thursday, January 19th at 6:30pm.  The first two people to e-mail vip@papermag.com with "Storm Large" in the subject line will get the goods. Ready, set, go!

Jessica Biel's Hairstyle How-To

We wish we could tell you how to nab Justin Timberlake too, but that's not really in our repertoire. Instead Papermag asked celebrity hairstylist Davy Newkirk to walk us through the hair secrets of one of our favorite hair looks at the Golden Globes: his client Jessica Biel's boho-chic tresses. Here, he explains how he created Biel's thick waves while sharing some of his other favorite styles from the red carpet!

Can you walk us through how you created Jessica's Globes hairstyle?

We wanted Jessica's hair to compliment the "bohemian luxury" feel of her dress and I loved the idea of natural cascading waves against the backdrop of the dress' backless silhouette. Jessica has a great head of hair--the texture is fine but she has a ton of it!

First, I applied Alterna Bamboo Volume Weightless Whipped Mousse all over her damp hair and Alterna Bamboo Volume Uplifting Root Blast to her roots for extra volume and lift while maintaining the feather-light feel. Then, I blow-dried her hair using a large round brush to smooth the cuticle and ensure a polished result. When her hair was 95% dry, I used Alterna Bamboo Style Boho Waves Tousled Texture Mist to give it texture and wave, then finished drying it with my fingers. Next, I divided her hair into 1" sections and created waves using a 1¼" curling iron, alternating between wrapping and clamping sections to maintain the organic movement to the look. Then, I used my fingers to apply Alterna Bamboo Style Moldable Texture Paste and combed it through the curls, followed by the Alterna Bamboo Smooth Anti-Humidity Hair Spray to set the style and lock-out frizz. Last, I used texture paste again to smooth pieces around the face. 

What's the key to red carpet-ready hair? 

Finishing [spray]! This is the red carpet after all. It polishes off even the most effortless looks and provides hold throughout the evening.   

Aside from Jessica what were some of your favorite hair looks at the Golden Globes this year?

I loved the way Angelina Jolie looked. Her dress was amazing and I loved her simple hair and make up. I also loved Kate Beckinsale's look.   

The Morning Funnies: Steve Carell's Possible Office Cameo and Sam Worthington's Too-Tight Shirt

enhanced-buzz-9233-1326900507-6.jpg1. Did Steve Carell make a secret, bearded appearance on last week's episode of The Office as a "Queerenstein Bear"? All signs point to yes, but NBC has yet to confirm. Watch the clip here. [via Buzzfeed]

2. Watch Sam Worthington as he squirms around in his way-too-tight Hawaiian shirt on last night's Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

393956_332367606794411_100000635225655_1077488_91401346_n.jpg3. Check out this Coachella lineup spoof. Love "K-Z in Steve Aoki's Phone Contacts" and "Overpriced Water." [via WorkitLA]

5940455.jpg4. Multiple moviegoers in Liverpool, UK, apparently demanded their money back after seeing Golden Globe-winning film The Artist, claiming they did not realize it was silent. [Via HuffPo]


5. Watch this incredibly cute, and Fred Astaire-like cat waltz up the stairs. [via Jezebel]

SOPA & PIPA Uproar Just Might Be Doing the Trick!

Wikipedia, Google and a ton of other sites are protesting the Internet regulation bills SOPA and PIPA today, blacking out their homepages, or taking their sites down all together, to speak out against the bills. If passed, SOPA and PIPA, which together, sounds like a que delicioso menu item, would make the Internet a very, very un-fun place. The bills are ostensibly meant to help fight the pirating of music and films, and would force U.S. companies to stop selling online ads to suspected pirates. A well-intended idea in theory, but one that could do a ton more harm than good. These bills are pretty over-reaching and would impose Internet censorship rules that, if passed, could throw out the Lolcats with the Ron Swanson GIF bathwater. Or, as Wikipedia put it, "would be devastating to the free and open web." SAD FACE. Understandably, there's been a huge online uproar about this and, below, we've rounded up 15 sites voicing their dissent. You can learn more about SOPA and PIPA and how you can voice your dissent on the only English Wiki page that's live today.

UPDATE! It looks like this is working, Internet! Marco Rubio (R-Fla) , who was a co-sponsor of PIPA, just announced that he's pulling his support for the Protect IP Act. [Politico] The bills also don't have the White House's support. Monday, Forbes reported that Obama would veto any bill that wasn't "more narrowly focused."

The Oatmeal


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All Hail Herrema

Jennifer Herrema has been a hell-raising, rock 'n' roll goddess since she was 16. the former model fronted snarling rock bands like royal trux and rtX, and over the past few years she turned her attention to fashion design, creating a custom denim line for Volcom. Now she's back with her former rtX bandmates for their new project, Black Bananas, and a new album, Rad Times Xpress IV, out January 31st.

How is the Black Bananas project different from RTX, and why were you motivated to begin recording again? 
Well we never stopped recording, it's what we do anyway, fuck around in the studio. we've all been working with each other for a bit of time so naturally as a unit we rolled into our own steez. we built Black Bananas on a solid fucking foundation.

On the album, you collaborate with Kurt Vile for the Rolling Stones' cover "Before They Make Me Run." How was that? Kurt came through SoCal with the Violators, so we all got together in our studio and got it done. Our voices sound amazing together so we've decided to do some more recording of originals this coming year. Kurt and i are alike in that we do what we want when we want and don't give a fuck about the poseurs and the haters.

OK, what's your craziest story from the road? 
Oh boy! A couple years ago we were on tour and there was a "crew" of fans that had all chipped in and rented us a motel room next to theirs that was stocked with a full bar, weed, etc. and a recording set-up. we drank their drinks and smoked their weed but refused to "perform" for them and locked them out of the room. they went nuts so we called the cops and got them taken away. they were presumptuous motherfuckers. we didn't owe them anything. 

Jon Glaser's Insanely Funny Delocated Has An Awesome Promo Video


Seasons 1 and 2 of Delocated -- an insanely funny faux-reality show about an NYC man in the witness protection program who must wear a balaclava and use a voice scrambler to avoid getting assassinated --  are now available on DVD. This is just in time for you to catch up for this cult-comedy show's season 3 premiere on February 2nd at midnight on Adult Swim. Below is a promo video for the DVD and the upcoming season premiere, featuring Jon Glaser, the demented comedic mind and star of the Delocated. Stay tuned to PAPERMAG for an interview with Glaser next Thursday!

Matt Bomer On Stripping, Canklets and Being Arrested


matt-b-header-.jpgWhen we heard that Paper magazine Beautiful People Alum and star of USA's White Collar, Matt Bomer, was going to be randomly chilling at the Empire State Building, we couldn't resist the opportunity to head over to the Observatory Deck and talk to him about his show, raising hell as a Texan teen and going to male strip clubs to prep for his upcoming film, Magic Mike. (And besides, considering that his flick is about male strippers, we got a kick out of the phallic subtext in having the interview atop New York's most famous skyscraper.)

Have you ever been up here before?

I never have. And my palms are really sweaty. It's beautiful. 

So what can you tell us about the rest of this season on White Collar?

I have a commutation hearing, which means I could be a free man. I could be rid of my canklet, which is what I call it. Not an "anklet" but a "canklet."

How has it been wearing one of those on the show?  Does it make you feel like Lindsay Lohan?

I do think it informs me.

How so?

I always wear it. It's something that even if it's a subconscious thing, there's some type of awareness going on that I am hampered. Somebody who wants freedom so much does have his wings clipped. But I have relationships [with my canklets]. We had this really uncomfortable, god-awful one the first season. They literally kept [it] on my ankle with a staple. Like, I had a bloody ankle!  But now, of course, they've souped it up. My new one's name is Subi. My first one's name was Candy the Canklet. And my new one has a very kinda German-chic look to it. And I think "candy" in German is "Süßigkeiten" or something so I thought I'd call her "Subi."

Oooh, do you speak German?

No, I just asked.

Well speaking of canklets, when you were growing up in Texas, did you ever raise hell?


Have you ever been arrested?

I've been brought in but no real record.

What did you get brought in for?

A bunch of friends of mine and I decided after we graduated high school we would just go visit the high school and leave some posters and signs up that expressed how we felt about certain faculty members.

What kinds of things are we talking about here?

Just incredibly offensive, juvenile things that only an 18-year-old could come up with. Or 17, which I guess we were at the time.  We were busted and I actually got away but I came back to make sure my friends were alright and then I sort of turned myself in, I guess. 

So you had a guilty conscience.

The principal did a great job disciplining us because many of our posters revolved around him and he said, "Come into my office.  Let's chat about this." And I was of course petrified. And he had the poster hanging up in his office.

Did it have his photo on it?


Drawings. Drawings. Elaborate, elaborate drawings. 

What kind of drawings?

Let's not go there. But I think he did such a great job in terms of handling it that the point was made very clearly. I was not going to be hanging any more posters any time soon.

So let's talk about your new movie, Magic Mike. How was it playing a male stripper?

It was terrifying and exciting and enervating and intimidating. All those things.

How did you prep for it? Did you and your cast mates visit any Chippendale-type places?

I did. I went solo and I think some other guys went to other places. I reached out to this group called The Hollywood Men who were super collaborative and welcoming. They let me come into the club and a lot of my character's scenes are in this Altman-esque world of before and after they go onstage and they let me experience a lot of that. They let me go onstage a little bit. I didn't perform but they let me hang in the wings while people were performing so I could get the relationship to the audience. So that was really fun. Then we did a lot of choreography with an amazing choreographer called Alison Faulk who choreographs for Britney Spears and Madonna and was able to take what we had and accentuate that and hide the things that we were really shitty at.

So who had the best moves? You or [co-star] Channing Tatum?
Channing by far! Channing's dancing in this movie is, I mean, it defies the laws of physics!  It's insane. I can't wait for people to see it. They're just gonna freak out. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

Any other prep work that was particularly interesting or excruciating?  I read somewhere that you had to get your chest waxed?

Yeah, I think everybody had to come correct in terms of what those people do. It was a lot of training, waxing, self-tanning, those kinds of things that are a necessity for that job. And while they weren't enjoyable, they definitely helped inform the experience and helped you out when you're out onstage doing your thing.

Magic Mike is out June 29th; White Collar is on Tuesdays, at 10 p.m., on USA.


Grammy Host LL Cool J Gets Grilled By George Wayne: From the PAPER Archives

Earlier today it was announced that LL Cool J would be hosting the Grammys (the award show's first host in seven years). So we decided to revisit his 1993 cover of PAPER magazine (looking fresh-faced) and the amazing interview he did with Vanity Fair's legendary question-asker George Wayne. Below an excerpt from the Q&A, where they talked about everything from his ego to why he'd never ever do a Coca Cola commercial (he ended up doing one five years later -- oops!) to his testicle-size.

George Wayne: People say that you have matured, that you are not as arrogant as you used to be. I don't believe that's true. What do you think?

LL Cool J: I don't want to condemn myself and ever have to say that i was arrogant. i think that there is a very fine line between pride and arrogance. I'm just proud and confident of what I do.

GW: The press release for your new album prides your "cocksure attitude" and "oral acrobatics." Can you tell me what this means?

LL: Well, that was someone else's interpretation. I just tried to put together an album so a person could experience some spirituality, some sensuality, some humor, in the essence of rap music.

GW: Have you ever fucked a Hollywood star?
LL: [Long pause] No.

GW: Never?
LL: [Nods his head in the negative]

GW: Are you dating anyone now?
LL: Yeah

GW: Who?
LL: I have a girlfriend. Her name is Kidada. [Ed: Kidada Jones, Rashida's older sis!]

GW: When are you going to get married?
LL: It's a thought, but it's not something I want to do right away.

GW: How long have you been going out with her?
LL: About two years.

GW: Give me some of your vital statistics -- height, weight, the size of your feet.
LL: Six-foot two-inches, 216 pounds -- and I wear a size thirteen.

GW: What kind of food gives your orgasms?
LL: I've never eaten any food that did that.

GW: Would you do an underwear campaign like Marky Mark did?
LL: No.

GW: Why not?
LL: Because I don't see a reason to. I don't see what it has to do with my music.

GW: But couldn't it be seen as an extension, just like the movies you do?
LL: It is an extension, but you know what it is? I'm not interested in doing endorsements. I don't want to dance for chicken. I don't want to rap about soda or beer. And I don't want to wear nobody's underwear.

GW: You don't wear underwear?
LL: Yeah, I wear underwear.

GW: So you mean if Coca Cola came to you with five million dollars to do a commercial, you'd say no?
LL: I wouldn't do it. I understand that everybody has a price. It all sounds beautiful, but the reality is, I wouldn't. For me personally, I would lose some of my integrity. I would feel jiggabooish dancing for chicken or rapping about somebody's soda. [Ed. he has since appeared in commercials for the Gap, Old Spice, and yes, Coca Cola.]

GW: Do you mind being considered a sex symbol?
LL: I don't think I'm a sex symbol. Just because I comment on something sexual, it doesn't mean I want to be a sex symbol.

GW: Are you testicle laden?
LL: In terms of what? Like what? Big balls? I don't know? I'm happy with them. They are O.K. I am a healthy young man.

GW: If someone asked me how big LL Cool J's swagger was, I'd say it was very, very big. Would you agree?
LL: I would say I feel comfortable.

GG: What do you think of battymen?
LL: Batmen?

GG: Battymen....homosexuals.
LL: To each his own. I'm not homophobic, but I like women.

GG: Suppose a Hollywood producer came to with an idea of starring in a movie with Madonna, which would require you to fuck her, sometimes doggy style, in every room of her house. Would you do it?
LL: I'm not into that. I'm not into whips and chains and Madonna and that kind of vibe. I'm not into that.

GG: What do you do in your spare time?
LL: Check out a movie. Go to the mall, get a milk shake....

Forget Lindsay and Megan: Our Short List For the Liz Taylor Biopic

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With recent news that Megan Fox may now be in contention for the coveted lead role in the Liz Taylor biopic (look out Lindsay!), our brains have gone into overdrive imagining what other starlets could play ol' Violet Eyes.  And as you'll see below, don't count the redheads and blondies out!


1. Emma Stone -- She's smart and sassy just like Liz but, unlike the icon, who had a well-known love of baubles, Stone prefers a simpler sartorial look (check out Mr. Mickey's review of her refined Golden Globes ensemble for a good example). Perhaps that might all  change with time.


2. Anna Kendrick -- She's Taylor's nose twin!


3. Jessica Biel -- The soon-to-be Mrs. Timberlake has yet to take on any Oscar-worthy roles but maybe as Liz she can prove her acting career didn't peak at Mary Camden.

4. Michelle Williams -- She's already nailed it portraying one glamorous icon -- who says she can't handle another?


5. Natalie Portman -- She's got the look, has the acting chops and can play crazy.  Besides, Taylor was a Member of the Tribe too (she converted, if you want to be technical about it).


6. Lizzie Olsen -- Yes she's blonde but that's nothing a fabulous wig can't change (or a Method-style dye job). She's also the right mix of demure and seductive -- a combination that made the young Taylor a star (though by hubby #4, it was clear Liz's seductive side had won out).


7. Evan Rachel Wood -- From dating Marilyn Manson to going full-frontal (and talking about her merkin) in Mildred Pierce, this chick is ballsy. We'd like to see her playing Liz playing Martha in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?


8. Olivia Thirlby -- If studio execs decide they'd rather find an indie-ier version of Lindsay or Megan, perhaps they should consider this raven-haired looker.  We're still obsessed with her as the teenage vixen in The Wackness and she's proven she can rock short hair.


9. Kristen Stewart -- Okay, she's pouty and doesn't exude any of Liz's charisma but like others on this list, Stewart's edge could be an asset when it comes to portraying the darker side to the famous Hollywood star.


10. Emmy Rossum -- Though she burst onto the scene glittering and princess-like in Phantom of the Opera, after one marriage, one divorce and the unleashing of an inner wild-child in Shameless, we're pretty sure Rossum's good girl persona had a shelf life as short as Ms. Taylor's first marriage.  Now she should channel her newfound chutzpah into portraying this Grand Dame.

A*M*E's "City Lights" Is Our Music Video of the Day


This young artist from Sierra Leone has a pre-gangster, old-school vibe that we love. Like Kid 'N Play or Salt-n-Pepa, she's young, upbeat and has a heavy injection of pop in her sound. A*M*E is 17 and living in London now, working on her debut album and "City Lights" is her first video. Love the crazy designs she wears on her lips!

Chairlift Gets Wet at the Mondrian L.A.

Last night, Chairlift played a free poolside show at L.A.'s tony Mondrian hotel to promote their upcoming album Something. Maybe we're unaccustomed to seeing shows in L.A., but there's something strange about men, who are hovering in the 30-year-old range, closing their eyes and very deliberately bobbing their heads to live music -- not that unconscious, only-half-listening-to-funky-music head bobbing; the full on 15-year-old girl at Lilith circa '95 kind. To be sure, Chairlift -- who have officially just downgraded from a trio to a duo, though they played as a full five-piece -- have a rightful following. Their playing was tight and practically studio-quality, and for such an ad-hoc venue, the sound was surprisingly sharp. The poolside was so crowded, I feared for the dryness of the cocktail waitresses, who had to high-knee their way through the mostly-seated crowd. The band rocked through a short set, building the energy of what felt like a very fancy, overcrowded backyard bash, until finally, at the last song, a crew of restless (and completely clothed) fans jumped into the pool and watusi'd through the final chord. That was more like it.

Celebrity Couples of Yesteryear

We have a new obsession, and it is a Tumblr blog called Old Loves (which we found via Miss Moss), featuring old photos of former celebrity couples. We. Can't. Stop. Looking. At. It. See what we've wasted the past hour staring at, and check out some of our favorites below, a ragtag group that includes  everyone from Pauly Shore & Tiffani Amber Thiessen to Madonna & Vanilla Ice to our favorite surprisingly-sexy couple, Kathy Griffin & Jack Black.

tumblr_lxm7i1KfOl1r5xsw9o1_r1_400.pngKathy Griffin and Jack Black

Ashley Judd and Michael Bolton, 1996

benstillerjeannetripplehorn1994.jpgBen Stiller and Jeanne Tripplehorn, 1994

christianslatersmanthamathis1989.jpgChristian Slater and Samantha Mathis, 1989

gwenstefanitonykanal1987.jpgTony Kanal and Gwen Stefani, 1987

janefondaanthonyperkins1960.jpgJane Fonda and Anthony Perkins, 1960

jewelseanpenn1995.jpgJewel and Sean Penn, 1995

judygarlanddavidrose1941.jpgDavid Rose and Judy Garland, 1941

kirstendunstbenfoster2000.jpgZooey Deschanel and Matthew Davis, 2000

Linda Ronstadt and Mick Jagger, 1978

minkakellydonaldfaison-2004.jpgMinka Kelly and Donald Faison, 2004

nickcavepjharvey1996.jpgNick Cave and P.J. Harvey, 1996

sjprdj1988.jpgSarah Jessica Parker and Robert Downey Jr., 1988

tumblr_kyl1mq0Xce1qzzsb8o1_r1_400.jpgPauly Shore and Tiffani Amber Thiessen

tumblr_l27cphT54b1qzojqro1_400.jpgTupac and Jada Pinkett Smith

tumblr_lhrhmu3V1a1qah2gqo1_400-1977.jpgPaul Simon and Shelly Duvall, 1977

tumblr_lu82zg0zxQ1r5xsw9o1_400.jpgScott Baio and Brooke Shields, 1977

tumblr_lvvlh7yg5U1r5xsw9o1_400-1971.jpgDiane Keaton and Al Pacino, 1971

tumblr_lw4nhwShdl1r5xsw9o1_400-1981.jpgMartin Scorsese and Isabella Rossellini, 1981

tumblr_lw9a53hVOB1r5xsw9o1_400.jpgGlenn Close and Woody Harrelson

tumblr_lwh8crzTxL1r5xsw9o1_4001990.jpgMadonna and Vanilla Ice, 1990

Ryan Reynolds and Kristin Johnson, 1999

tumblr_lw13dhaaAZ1r5xsw9o1_400-1991.jpgLaura Dern and Kyle McLaughlin, 1991

Paris Hilton & LMFAO + Jim Carrey's Hot New Locks = Eight Items or Less

1. Paris Hilton + LMFAO = Hit Song? She's hooking-up with the "sexy" duo on a new track for her second album. Hilton's bf Afrojack is still "executive producer."  [Billboard]

2. The Jacques Garcia-designed NoMad Hotel (1170 Broadway) will have six "dining spaces" under the direction of Daniel Humm and Will Guidara of Eleven Madison Park. [NYP]

3. Deadmau5 opens the newly re-vamped Miami nightclub Mansion (1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach) with two "unhooked" shows on January 20th and 21st. Tickets are available here. Tiesto celebrated his 43rd birthday at New York's LAVO (39 East 58th Street)) last night.

4. The Nightlife Cultural Initiative is launching their first NYC Expo from April 5 to 7. They'll focus on venues, musicians, artists and fashion designers.

5. Chicago residents (and visitors) should check out the opening reception of "StuckUp" on Friday, January 20, 6 to 10 p.m., at Maxwell Colette Gallery (908 N. Ashland, Chicago).  The traveling art exhibit ties-in with the Rizzoli book Stickers: From Punk Rock to Contemporary Art by DB Burkeman and Paper's Monica LoCascio. You can also download a free "StuckUp Stickers" iPhone app here.

6. The first New York City Metro Show, featuring over 35 art and design dealers, opens tomorrow, January 19th, at the Metropolitan Pavilion (125 West 18th Street). This new fair includes art, furniture, toys ceramics and more, PLUS it runs until January 22nd.

7. Jim Carrey looks VERY Nelson twin in the new Steve Carrell movie, Burt Wonderstone. [Buzzfeed]

Male Models in the Wild at Men's Milan Fashion Week, Fall 2012

New York Fashion Week's might be a few weeks away, but in Milan, Men's Fall 2012 fashion is well under-way. PAPERMAG photographer Pierguido Grassano hit the streets to bring you shots of all the handsome faces who are walking the runways in Italy this week.

Tips for Today: Caveman + Life: Curated + Farewell Party for the Old American Can Factory

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Caveman at Bowery Ballroom with Au Palais and Heaven

The on-the-rise New York band whose sound is "equal parts chamber pop, dreamscape, and horror film score" plays alongside fellow New Yorkers Heaven and brother-sister duo Au Palais.

Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. 8 p.m. $13 advance, $15 day of show.  Sold Out.

Life: Curated Warehouse Sale

Clothing, shoes and accessories from this extremely well-curated (duh) Williamsburg boutique are a whopping 50 to 80 percent off, starting today. We're talking goodies from the likes of VPL, Rebecca Minkoff, Mary Meyer, Rogan and Converse by John Varvatos. So get there early -- and note, the sale is not at said Williamsburg boutique, but at a showroom on Broadway.

Em Productions, 636 Broadway, nr. Bleecker St., Ste. 702; 10 a.m.-7 p.m.

Farewell Party for the Old American Can Factory

Avant-garde performances space ISSUE Project Room is headed to new digs on Livingston St. but before they leave, they're throwing down in their old space with the help of Swans co-founder, Jonathan Kane.  The night will also feature a mix of "minimalist electronica, blues, indie rock and drone" from the likes of Talibam!, MV Carbon and Tony Conrad. 
ISSUE Project Room, 232 3rd St., 3rd Fl., 8 p.m. $15