"Some [viewers] are downright angry, but change is never easy," tempers Bachelorette host Chris Harrison of this season's new concept, resplendent in his three-piece suit and rich white confidence, somehow making this sound like some kind of suffrage movement. "It wasn't fair to make that decision for the men," he continues, which I actually can't think about too much because of anger.
How do the ladies in question feel?
"If I go home it's going to be the worst thing in the world." -Kaitlyn
"I'll be devastated if I have to go home." -Britt
Three cheers for rational thinking! To recap, Kaitlyn is the fun-loving, swearing, joke-making guy's girl and Britt is a Hollywood waitress who doesn't sound as sincere as she thinks she does and looks like Ariana Grande will when she hits her growth spurt. Sorry guys! #TeamKaitlyn over here.
Now let's meet some of the "most eligible Bachelors in America." To greet them, Britt and Kaitlyn stand that perfect distance apart where you can overhear everything the other person is saying, but get to pretend like you don't.
Shawn. B, 28, a personal trainer from Connecticut.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a contender. Shawn B. rolls in looking like a watered down version of Ryan Gosling, which is still saying something. Britt immediately seems super into him and it seems mutual, but he gives us the ol' bait and switch and loudly tells Kaitlyn she's the reason why he's here.
Jonathan, 33, an automotive spokesman from Detroit.
Jonathan has a five-year-old son and is looking for that forever love, ideally with Britt.
Joe, 28, an insurance agent from Kentucky.
Joe has a real thick southern drawl, hair that truly stands up on end and an extremely obese chocolate lab. He's #TeamKaitlyn
Josh, 27 a lawyer/stripper from Chicago.
Josh has very close-set eyes and says that stripping is "one of the best feelings I've ever had." Josh has many tattoos including one across his abdomen, which he makes the women caress upon meeting them.
Brady, 33, a singer/songwriter from Nashville.
"I've always had melodies inside me," Brady declares, but don't we all? Brady is all-in on Britt.
Joshua, 31, an industrial welder from Idaho.
Josh splits a block of wood like a pro and comes equipped with his own expertly welded metal rose. He's got two bulldogs, a pleasing demeanor, and is here for Kaitlyn. I like Joshua.
Ian, 28, an executive recruiter from Venice Beach.
A Princeton grad, Ian was a track star before getting into a very serious car accident. Ian is well-spoken, handsome and is absolutely here for Kaitlyn. I'm getting future Bachelor vibes from Ian already.
Jared, 26, a restaurant manager from Rhode Island.
Jared says that he's single because "I'm the type of person who knows what they want," which is absolutely something every single person tells themselves repeatedly.
Tony, 35, a "healer" from Missouri
Oh, Tony. Tony is very spiritual, kisses his plants goodbye and shows up on the first night with an unexplained black eye and gives both ladies the same line, neither of which stops Britt from telling him she "has a strong sense of who you are."
Ben Z, 35, an entrepreneur from San Jose.
By "entrepreneur" Ben Z. really means personal trainer, but his mom died when he was 14 so that's all the snark I have for him.
Ben H., 26 a software salesman from Denver.
First out of the limo, Ben first goes to Kaitlyn but bonds with Britt over both sponsoring children, which causes her to clasp both hands over her heart. Classic Britt!
Ryan B., 32, a realtor from Florida.
Ryan B. strolls up to Britt and greets her by saying "Hi Disney princess" which, while actually pretty accurate, is still real gross.
Kupah, 32, an entrepreneur from Boston.
I was pretty excited about Kupah, given his name and his answer of "FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER," in his bio on what marriage means to him, but when he (unsurprisingly) said Britt would make a better trophy wife he lost me.
At this point, we're getting a very pro-Britt edit from the producers. There's about a five minute stretch of Britt being greeted first and receiving complement after complement as Kaitlyn stands awkwardly by, but I'm sensing a red herring.
JJ, 32, a former investment banker from Denver.
I'm pretty sure his occupation currently means unemployed, but JJ did say "I would love to puck you" while handing Kaitlyn a hockey puck, and that went over well. However, he later says Britt is the prettiest girl he's ever seen.
Ryan M., a junkyard specialist from Kansas City.
We'll get to Ryan M. in a bit. Let's just say he quickly became "that guy" and managed to inappropriately touch Kaitlyn on the first night-- impressive!
Tanner, 28, an auto finance manager from Kansas City.
Tanner very expertly negs Britt, giving her a pack of tissues due to all of her dramatic crying last season. She doesn't really pick up on the neg-iness of this move until later, leaving Tanner to quickly proclaim he's here for Kaitlyn.
Spontaneity alert! Kaitlyn wisely dashes into the mansion to tell the gathered dudes she's glad they're here, which Britt feels is "kind of cheating." Well, tough cookies Britt-- life isn't fair, as evidenced by, oh, I don't know, this season's entire concept?
Corey, 30, an investment banker from NYC.
Corey plays competitive beach volleyball, which in New York City probably means you're rich.
Let's pause to chat about the drunken antics of Ryan M., who calls the ladies "ho's" and asks JJ "Why am I not raping you right now?" after he questions whether or not he needs to keep drinking. He caps everything off by slapping Kaitlyn on the ass, knocking down her portrait and throwing his rose at the wall before getting kicked out by Chris Harrison. He also used to date Nikki, the winner from Juan Pablo's season. Stay classy, Bachelor producers!
I wouldn't want to brag about being an amateur in my chosen profession, but that's just me. Shawn also shows up in a hot tub car, the mechanics of which escape me, but it was pretty cool.
Chris, 28, a dentist from Nashville.
Chris whizzes up in a motorized cupcake because he's a dentist and sweet things, get it?
To kick off the cocktail party, where contestants get to know the bachelorettes, Kaitlyn tells a pretty solid joke:
"Two bachelorettes who?"
"That's the joke!"
And it truly is indeed. Britt reads this as Kaitlyn not taking this seriously enough, but I read it as Kaitlyn having a sense of humor. I'd say about 40% of the guys got it. The ladies break off to get to know the guys more, and it's clear we're pitting the funny girl who may not be taking this seriously enough against the pretty girl who's there for the right reasons, neither of which is a fair estimation of either lady.
As the night progresses the ladies try and squeeze in time with all of the guys, giving them embarrassing elevator pitches as they try and convince the guys to choose them. The guys seem to be pretty split down the middle on whom they'll choose, with each lady having a couple ride-or-dies (Ian and poor man's Ryan Gosling for Kaitlyn, Brady and Jonathan for Britt) but most are edited to say kind words about both ladies. A good number of the guys seem pretty uncomfortable with this nightmare scenario, but it's soon that time. Chris Harrison shows up to open up voting, in which the men will insert a rose into the box of their chosen lady. Yes, you read that right. In their box."I have to go and prove myself as wife material so they go put a rose in my box, it's very bizarre," Britt accurately summarizes.
How horribly entertaining. We'll have to wait until tonight to see who our chosen lady will be, so check back in with us tomorrow -- until then!