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8 Tinder Profiles We Never Wanna See Again

Screen Shot 2014-05-12 at 11.46.07 AM.pngEli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, take a break from swiping to tell us about the eight types of profiles on Tinder they never ever want to find on that app again.

The Alcohol Monster

Drinking, as a general practice, we endorse wholeheartedly. We've done it thoroughly and to excess. In fact, we'd probably swipe right at pictures of someone at dive bars over someone who looks like they're going to make us rock climb. However, there's a point in which you've moved past "fun" and into "someone we're going to be taking care of." If your mouth is frozen into a banshee scream, each eye pointed in a rogue direction, with half a Long Island in your hand and the other half on your clothing, maybe that's not the best introduction. Our ideal first date doesn't involve holding anyone's hair back while they aggressively move dollar pizza from their stomach to the curb.

Disembodied Eye

When the only picture you have on your profile is a zoomed-in picture of only one of your eye-holes, perhaps in some attempt at "discretion," that's not going to reel us in. In fact, the only thing it's going to do is make us think of you as this stationary, flaming Eye of Sauron-esque phantom, haunting the valley of super chill, young professionals. We'd then try to imagine ourselves meeting up with said single eyeball at a bar, trying our best not to resort to asking someone who works there, "Hey, have you seen an eye at all tonight?"


Some people are straightforward and just want to get baggage out of the way up front. There's an authenticity to this strategy that we can wholeheartedly respect. However, when we're alternating Tinder swipes with sips of High Life roundabouts at 1 a.m., the last thing we need to see is a note in someone's bio mourning the loss of a loved one. Death is a devastating thing, but we're not sure that the best way to honor somebody is through an app developed to get people laid with minimal fanfare. It also makes composing that first message a little awkward -- "sup" seems a little casual but "I'm sorry for your loss" isn't exactly sexual dynamite.

"To the Front of the Line"

Everyone has something that gets their rocks off, and it's perfectly normal to go ahead and bluntly state what you're looking for in a partner, physically or not. But for some reason this phrase has become a "thing" on these "dating" apps: "(SPECIFIC PREFERENCE) TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE!" OK! "Creative, yet pulled-together beer lovers TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE!" "Film buffs TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE!" "Over 6 ft and masc jocks TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE!" "Grossly particular physical or sexual requirement possibly stemming from past trauma TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE!" We then start wondering where these lines are forming. How big are these lines? We imagine there's a check-in place with some bored-looking people at tables handing out paperwork with lists of features that apply to you. Seeing the mobs of beer-loving music aficionados who are over 6" and appearing to be masculine ahead of you, you ask one of the check-in people if there is, like, a SEMI-NEAR THE FRONT OF THE LINE point you can stand at, or a TOWARDS THE BACK BUT NOT TOTALLY IN THE BACK OF THE LINE point. Then a swarm of bees appears and engulfs you.

Not So Happily Ever After

Your wedding looks like it was beautiful. However, now it's up to us to try to figure out if you're newly divorced and back on the scene or if this is some sort of more complicated cuckold situation. It's also a little disconcerting to see a picture that says, "this is me on the left, and on the right is a grave enemy you have the opportunity to make." Especially in the case of the one woman we saw whose husband was in full Marine regalia. Even if we have a good relationship, we'll still be checking the bushes in front of our house for a vengeful ex in face-paint.

"It's Going Down, I'm Yelling Tinder"

So now we know that you're A: unoriginal and B: love Pitbull. Strong opening bid.

(NOTE FROM CAREY: Leave Kesha out of this.)

Crowd Control 

It's always a good thing to see someone you're vibin' has friends. Friends are good! But one reoccurring theme of this app is a person flooding their profile with photos of them in large, flush-faced, smiley crowds of people at bars, restaurants, and concerts. They seem to be saying -- no, yelling -- "I HAVE FRIENDS. DO YOU SEE THESE PEOPLE? THEY ARE FRIENDS I HAVE." No one starts out a first date by sitting down backwards on a chair and saying with a huge smile, "First and foremost, I have friends." Maybe resist beating your smart phone against someone's face to remind them that you are fun-loving and social.

Main Profile Picture of a Dog

Are you trying to get us to fuck your dog?

Spike Lee Directs Eminem's New "Headlights" Video


We're a day late with this -- hey, who works on Sunday? -- but this Spike Lee directed clip for Eminem's "Headlights" is worth watching year round.  He loves his mom, Debbie, and he feels bad about writing that major dis, "Cleaning Out My Closet," so he's got a lot to get off his chest.  BTW: When Em raps about "Nate," he's talking about his half-brother who was taken away from his mom at the age of eight; not about Fun frontman Nate Ruess, who provides additional vocals on the track.  "Happy Mothers Day," love Marshall.

Michael Alig's Failed Apologia

Screen Shot 2014-05-12 at 12.57.12 PM.pngToday's New York Post cover. [via the New York Post]

Michael Alig's right up there with Monica Lewinsky in the eyes of the New York Post where a front-page article by the paroled club kid killer tells the sordid story in his own words: "Eighteen years on, looking back at the person I was at that time, I feel nothing but shame and disgust. I was a selfish junkie who killed another human being. But that's not the Michael Alig I am today or the Michael Alig I was before I became an addict -- the misfit from the Midwest who came to New York City in search of acceptance, opportunity and a whole lot of fun."

On April 28 I wrote What's Next for Michael Alig, an article where many of Alig's former associates speculated on his new life and offered advice for his reentry into society. They counseled humility, charity, staying away from the spotlight for fear that what once burned too brightly would again lead to his undoing.

Well, fuggedaboutit. Any expectation that Alig would quietly slip into seclusion, a humbled, remorseful individual, is dispelled in one bold article that he chooses to publish in the sensationalist Post, the newspaper of record for ex-Mayor Rudolf Giuliani's crusade against nightlife.

Here, we get the triumphant return of Michael Alig telling his story about the murder of Angel Melendez in a series of events that begins with him coming to New York to go to college and ends with him getting out of prison and re-experiencing the thrill of seeing the city from the George Washington Bridge as he did for the first time 30 years ago. Alig is credited as the author of the piece, though I can see the editors at work cutting and pasting to give it the flow of a greatest hits package.

He writes: "One night, Keith [Haring] threw a party at Area, one of the coolest clubs in the city. In my hometown of South Bend, Ind., a nightclub was a honky-tonk of men with beer-gut bellies watching sports on TV. This was a modern-day speakeasy with 300 people lined up outside. The doorman selected who got in, one at a time, like a florist chooses roses and carnations for a bouquet. Grace Jones was there. Cameras flashed. [My roommate] Ludovic, who was led out of our limo on a leash, wore nothing but underwear and white body paint."

What did he learn: "First thing I did was ditch the tacky Izod pants and Mondrianesque T-shirts which I'd thought were so cutting-edge in South Bend."

Out of prison only a few days, the public relations onslaught has already begun, the Post's story surely planned well in advance of his release. HuffPost Live, TV interviews, People Magazine, Vanity Fair all presumably repeating the official story as presented by master media manipulator Michael Alig, with surely more to come.

The front page headline, boasting an exclusive, reads: "Chops of Horrors: Notorious Killer Relives Bloody New York Crime." Reading this makes me squeamish, the story itself tending to blame drugs for the murder. Personal responsibility is sacrificed for the narrative that's most likely to play well in the media. Yes, he's paid his debt to society from a legal perspective but nowhere in his "apologia" does he address his moral duty. Fame for fame's sake is his raison d'etre. That hasn't changed. I'm expecting an Oprah moment when Alig goes on her show to beg for forgiveness.

Beyonce's Makeup Artist Shows Off His Harlem Home

Paper_Magazine_Sir_John-44_web.jpgSir John wears a shirt by vintage Lee, pants by Gucci, shoes by Grenson of London, bracelets by David Yurman and Cast of Vices and sunglasses by Ray-Ban.

Sir John has been doing other people's makeup -- and tending to his own smooth skin -- since he was 19 years old. After a brief stint in visual merchandising for Bergdorf Goodman and Gucci, he kick-started his career as a fashion and celebrity makeup artist when he became the legendary Pat McGrath's assistant. Now, in addition to regular clients like Harper's Bazaar, Elle and Teen Vogue, Sir John's roster includes A-list beauties like Naomi Campbell, Beyoncé and Karlie Kloss. When he's not traveling around the world for photo shoots and fashion weeks, he calls Harlem home.

Paper_Magazine_Sir_John-14_web.jpgSunglasses by Ray-Ban and ring by David Yurman.

T-shirt by H&M.

In my apartment, every room is a dressing room. I pretty much get ready all over the house. After I get out of the shower, I'm running around the house in my underwear -- it's like Risky Business. My outerwear is in the living room, my trainers and boots are in my office and my skincare is in the bathroom. I have a closet full of skincare products and I rotate what's sitting out with the seasons. My stuff always gets swiped out of my cabinet by my friends. I once heard someone say, "Real guys don't moisturize," but my clients like Bey and Karlie Kloss appreciate a guy who moisturizes. It preserves their sexy for years to come. I'm the guy they come to for their guys.

My apartment's vibe is James Bond's lair meets a boutique hotel in Paris. It's a mix of baroque- and rococo-inspired elements with a traveled and storied sensibility. One of my favorite things in my house is my black baroque chair. I got it in a showroom in Miami. I saw it in the window and it was like when you see a puppy in the window and you have to take it home. I get my best ideas sitting in that chair.

Paper_Magazine_Sir_John-17_web.jpgHats by Bailey of Hollywood and Obey.

Paper_Magazine_Sir_John-9_web.jpgCoat by Margiela x H&M.

Paper_Magazine_Sir_John-10_web.jpgShoes by Nike.

I've lived in this apartment for about six months, but I've lived in Harlem for seven years. I love living uptown. I get much more space for the money. I need to have my boots in a room, not my oven, and I don't want to turn around and immediately see every square foot of my apartment. My area of Harlem, which is called Strivers' Row, seems to have been a breeding ground for the greats. Former residents include Duke Ellington, Count Basie, Thurgood Marshall, Joe Louis and Babe Ruth, just to name a few. With their spirits floating around these immaculate brownstones, I'm in great company.

Paper_Magazine_Sir_John-24_web.jpgJacket by Diesel Black Gold.


10 Thoughts On the New Rosemary's Baby Remake, Part I

Screen Shot 2014-05-12 at 4.17.54 PM.pngLet me just preface by saying that even with the original Rosemary's Baby being my favorite movie of all time, I tried my best to go into this remake with somewhat of an open mind. It goes without saying, though, that no one could try to top or even enter the same orbit as the 1968 classic, but this absurd, modern effort almost comes across as downright hateful in its attempt to "revision." Woefully unnecessary and alarmingly un-scary, this remake took just about every factor that made the original movie so important, and bludgeoned them into small pieces and then took those small pieces and threw them into a literal lake of fire.

1. The most irritating part of this update was the blindingly apparent belief of the writers that every viewer watching is a fucking idiot. What made Polanski's movie so brilliant was what he left out. For most of the story, Mia Farrow's Rosemary (and all of us at home) is left wondering if she's simply going crazy. You know there's something off about Rosemary's selfish hubby Guy, Minnie and Roman Castevet, and the other elderly residents of the gothic Bramford building, but it's all implied through muffled conversations through the walls, strange dreams, and even the very color saturation -- nauseatingly deep reds. This 2014 take leaves out any of that wonderful subtlety. It shows Guy getting "tempted" by the new, much younger Roman Castevet (played by Jason Isaacs -- wait what?) at a Parisian sex club, a desperate young woman -- the Castevet's first attempt at an Antichrist baby carrier -- jumping to her death in the first scene (the original's suicide of the naïve Terry Gionoffrio was so shocking and confusing because we only saw the aftermath) and the incessantly gory flashbacks that illustrate the apartment building's (now called the Chimere) infamous past residents. Simply hearing Rosemary and Guy's older friend, Hutch, in the original, discussing the cannibalistic "Trench sisters," and the "dead infant wrapped in newspaper in the building's basement" is much scarier than seeing Victorian women chopping up a guy up and eating him. The original's main focus was the horror of the ordinary, the familiar -- how the very place you call home can become your enemy. I almost wish the writers had flashed text that read "This is important and foreboding!" whenever something obviously important and foreboding happens. It would have been less insulting.

2. WHY IS IT SET IN PARIS? Seriously. The original was set in New York City. The book is set in New York City. I believe this means a central focus of the story is that it's set in New York City. Putting it in a foreign country, where someone who is not from that foreign country is going to naturally feel alienated by default, is basically spelling it out for us that something WEEEEEEIRD is going to happen. I guess they didn't film it in New York City because they were afraid people would throw trash at them if they saw them filming it.

3.They chose to make Minnie and Roman (sorry, the Minnie's name is Margaux in this) these sexy, rich, middle-aged Europeans who wear chic black ensembles every day. The wonderful part about Ruth Gordon and Sidney Blackmer being the villains was that they were grossly unassuming. They were elderly, clothed in hideous outfits; Minnie's amount of makeup was almost oppressive, and her jewelry clinked and clanked whenever she walked. They were comical to Rosemary and Guy at first, but as they start to get more and more involved in the young couple's lives, their "Oh, they're harmless" ways became all the more maddening and menacing, making them so profoundly more terrifying than these overtly dangerous younger versions.

4. Zoe Saldana is a very good actress, but you can really sense her discomfort in this role. You can see her thinking "Oh, fuck, why did I agree to do this?" the whole time, which is unfortunate, because she doesn't get to show off her chops at all. The script has her rushing into paranoia from the start after she's already feeling vulnerable from a tragic miscarriage three months prior. She distrusts her overly generous Parisian neighbors immediately. Polanski took his time with having Rosemary feel endangered, so as she begins to unravel and doubt herself, and then everyone else, and then herself again, you feel like you're losing it with her.

5. Margaux and Roman give Guy and Rosemary a black cat as a "welcome to Paris!" gift on the first night they meet them. Movie aside, how is this plausible in any realm? "Hey! You're young and poor, and not from this country. Take care of this living being that could probably watch you choke to death on a piece of meat and not even flinch."

6. There's a fire that destroys Rosemary and Guy's shitty apartment, which is part of the faculty housing at the school where Guy teaches. Later when Margot asks Rosemary what caused the fire, she's like, "IDK! I think we left our hot plate on!" GOD DAMN HOT PLATES!

7. The only thing that actually made me jump was an extremely random moment where Rosemary walks into her new apartment at Margot and Roman's building and a mentally handicapped handyman comes galloping towards her on all fours and roars. We can imagine a bunch of writers just sitting around a table saying, "Let's just put that in there? That's just what happens when you live in Paris!" Everyone laughs and laughs.

8. In the scene where Guy and Rosemary are about to slip out of Margot and Roman's fancy party full of fancy devil worshippers, Roman exclaims, "You can't leave yet! This is Paris!" Yes! Paris! PARIS!!!!! We are all in Paris!

9. There's a handsome, blue-eyed man who may or may not be Satan/Adrian Marcato -- the original movie's infamous witch father -- who keeps appearing with a sharp dragon cane and making Rosemary hoooooorny. Why doesn't he just wear a nametag that says "Hello my name is Not Satan. (I'm really not)" and then another one that says "Really, though. I'm not!"

10. This version takes itself dreadfully too seriously; the original was, in lots of ways, like a dark, surreal comedy. It was absolutely terrifying but never felt like it was trying to be scary. Which is why it was so perfect. It was like this perverse take on a rom-com. It's really a shame that this 2014 version was even made, but I guess we can just be thankful the Michael Bay remake never happened.

Macaulay Culkin's Ryan Gosling T-Shirt Is Going to Open the Vortex

Screen Shot 2014-05-12 at 6.08.03 PM.pngHere's Macaulay Culkin wearing a t-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a t-shirt of Macaulay Culkin. We're entering the vortex. [via Twitter]

Here's a great clip of kids reacting to Avril Lavigne's god-awful "Hello Kitty" video. [via Tastefully Offensive]

tumblr_n586kqQomb1rn7bzro1_500.jpg#TRUTH. [via Knusprig Titten Hitler]

tumblr_n5bb1blF7N1qzcv7no1_500.jpgJust need to get real for a sec. [via Pleated Jeans]

tumblr_m92ugjoqyH1rqa0i6o1_250.giftumblr_m92ugjoqyH1rqa0i6o2_250.gifAll the other potatoes. Just not mashed. But all the others. [via Laughter Key]

tumblr_n5folvnbKS1tww39do1_500.jpgWhere can we order like 50 million birthday cakes with Danny DeVitos' face on them? [via Coin Farts]

tumblr_mhes9tpTbp1qam8b5o1_500.gifHappy Tuesday. May all your possum-enhanced prophesies come true. [via F You No F Me]

Wendy Williams' Intriguing New Solange-Jay Z Theory


Soooooo: Wendy Williams, who is no stranger to marital "stuff," has her own theory about what went down in the Standard elevator the other night and it plays into rumors that have been swirling for years now: that Jay Z is a known Cassanova. The blind item gossip site Crazy Days and Nights  has long speculated that Hova had affairs with both Rihanna and Rita Ora and, in this clip from Williams' show this morning, she speculates with a capital "S" that one of Z's alleged former flames, designer Rachel Roy, was the reason for Solange's blow up. Even though Williams herself admits she is just fucking guessing at this point, she does bring up an interesting tidbit: Beyonce didn't wear her ring to the Nets game on Saturday night and appears to be getting her "IV" tattoo on her ring finger removed. It's all intriguing stuff, and a lot more compelling of a storyline than the Post's obnoxious narrative that Solange is just a "CRAY-Z" woman who was over-served and turned on a dime. Meanwhile, Solange has scrubbed her Instagram of all photos of her sister, which means...something. Also, Beyoncé possibly stormed out on Jay Z at Roberta's the other night so there's that, too [Ed note: Beyoncé, we hope you took that 'Fennel Fantasy' to go!].

Anywho, we look forward to never knowing the truth because the Beygency is sweeping this under the rug and off to a magical place called Abyss Island, where Tupac and Kurt Cobain are currently zip-lining with Jesus. 


Tori Amos On Her New Album, Feminist Fairytales and Kurt Cobain

Tori_Amos_2014_Publicity2 copy.jpg© Amarpaul Kalirai / Mercury Classics

Nearly 30 years into her career Tori Amos still hasn't slowed down. Just over the past three years she's released two albums -- 2011's Night of Hunters and the orchestral 2012 Gold Dust -- and co-written the feminist fairytale musical "The Light Princess" in conjunction with London's National Theatre. And today brings the release of her 14th studio album Unrepentant Geraldines. On it, Amos goes back to her pop songwriting roots and tackles aging in the music industry with grace. We had the chance to catch up with Amos as she was in the midst of gearing up for her next tour and hear her thoughts about her 1994 Q Magazine cover with Björk and PJ Harvey, her iconic performance of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and family life on the road.

How did you find working in theater?

It was the most exhilarating, magical moment of my life. I worked with hundreds of people. The British theater is an army and the aesthetic is 'don't dumb it down, be brave, be subversive.' Although I would love to work in commercial theater sometime in my career, this approach that art and storytelling come first -- not "can we make the widest demographic comfortable?" -- was great.

Did you apply any new techniques you picked up in theater on this album?

Absolutely I did -- and I also loved playing the man. In my mind, I'd be playing the man and wooing the princess so my animus would take over. With my writing partner, Sam, I'd be thinking, "I want every woman in this audience swooning over what he's saying to her!" I'm a romantic.

So many romantic pieces of literature or plays are usually written by men so they're more out of touch with what would make the women in the audience swoon.

I agree with you sister. It was almost as if the heavens open in another dimension to be able to write for these great guys, great actors, and I would say, "Oh my god, if I only had your brawn and you had my lines." Sam is gay so you had this straight woman and gay man thinking, "We're going to give lines to this heterosexual dude so he's just going to break these women's hearts." The women were sitting in the audience panting with their hands in their lap.

Would you ever write a romance novel from a feminist perspective?

I'm too shy to do that. We could write another romantic musical. This was a feminist fairytale, so I think if music is involved then I'm open to it.

On the new album, your song "16 Shades of Blue" talks about aging. What have you found is the hardest thing about aging in the music industry?

The music industry is very unique because if you're 50 and up, more men are offered contracts than women, that's for sure. I'm not talking about the country music industry; I'm talking about the pop industry. So having to create your own path and not take on cultural projections of what you're going to write about and how you're going to stay present and vital as a woman, musician, and writer -- those are some of the things I was trying to understand.

Did you feel like you had a good sense of female community in the industry when you were younger? The Q Magazine cover you did with Björk and PJ Harvey comes to mind.

That was a wonderful time. We were supportive of each other's careers. Sometimes there's a bit too much girl-on-girl negativity in the industry. I think it's difficult enough to have a career in the music industry these days; people around seven years ago, for example, might not have record deals anymore. [My daughter] Natashya is discovering some of those records [from the '90s]. She's just discovering Nirvana.

Speaking of Nirvana, your cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is one of the most iconic covers out there. What do you remember of the band and especially of Kurt Cobain's unexpected passing twenty years ago?

We were out touring 20 years ago in Berlin when the tragic news shocked the world. Soon after, we played Dublin and I was singing "bye bye Miss American Pie" -- just a portion of "American Pie" by Don McLean -- and then I segued into "Teen Spirit" and all of a sudden over 2,000 people started singing in perfect pitch along with me. The Irish are known for their keening. When someone dies, they sing to people in their ear to help them grieve and I've never experienced anything quite like it in my life. I still remember the sound of over 2,000 people singing "Teen Spirit" with me that night. It was a once-in-a-lifetime emotion and a testament to how they felt about him. 

Earlier, you mentioned your daughter, Natashya. What has it been like balancing a family life with the life of a touring musician all these years?

My husband and I have been touring with our daughter since a year after she was born. She comes out on every tour now but not for as long because she's in boarding school. She ditched us to go to school. She said, "I love you guys but I gotta go live my life now." She knows backstage at Radio City, Albert Hall, and the Sydney Opera House better than she knows anywhere else. That's our family life. It's normal. Touring is normal and I happened to marry another road dog so that's two road dog parents and she's grown up in a music house. That's the normal for us.

Michael Musto's Celebrity Power Rankings

Welcome to the Musto List of who's ruling the celebrity world this week, leaving everyone else to fire their manager and try for less obvious filler injections. Ranked starting at the bottom...

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 4.27.48 PM.png

Honorable mention: Alec Baldwin. Dear Alec: By getting belligerent with an officer who stopped you for a traffic violation on your bike and asked for ID, you add to your twisted legend of tantrum throwing and make it less likely that IDs will be needed in the future. We know who you are again!

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 3.41.09 PM.png8: Solange Knowles. Violence is never pretty, and the video that recently surfaced of Beyonce's sis kicking and hitting Jay Z in a hotel elevator made us wonder if the lady is "crazy right now." But still, it made her more famous than Beyoncé for a New York minute, which might be why the superstar just stood there, looking flummoxed.

7: Michael Sam. I have no idea who any sports people are, but this guy nabbed major attention when he kissed his boyfriend for all the world to see. What's more, he still has a job. No "tight end" jokes here, just the realization that I have to watch ESPN more often.

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 3.46.55 PM.png6: Lea Michele. The animated film Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return is flopping big time, which proves that Lea should stay away from Judy Garland material at all cost. But now there's talk that Glee honcho Ryan Murphy will help her raid Barbra Streisand's career vault and star her in a production of Funny Girl. Again, this is something that's so wrong that it's wrong, but just the fact that Lea could con this off the ground means the lady has some serious star power.

635355495901238750847167_30_aa_022 2.JPG
5: Matt Bomer. Matt is way more than a pretty face, but he hasn't been able to prove that until now. A bit part in the male stripping decathlon Magic Mike didn't really enhance his dramatic stature, even if you watched the DVD extras. But now he pops up in HBO's prestige drama The Normal Heart (airing May 25), and it's turning out to be everything a gay pretty boy looking for credibility should be involved in. Interestingly, it's directed by Ryan Murphy, who just won a lot of points!

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 3.51.48 PM.png
4: Britney Spears. The ex pop tart hasn't been the brunt of scandal headlines in ages, but I'm putting her on this list anyway. After all, she's taken up residency in Las Vegas (well, where did you think she'd wind up, Oxford?), which makes so much sense I'm sure it's just a matter of time before they turn her into a casino.

tn-500_screenshot2014-02-25at1.58.43pm.jpg3: Audra McDonald. The singer/actress has five Tony awards, tied with greats Julie Harris and Angela Lansbury. She's expected to win her sixth one on June 8th for her stunning Billie Holiday in Lady Day at the Emerson Bar and Grill. And she had to keep a straight face while singing an inspirational song to Carrie Underwood in TV's The Sound of Music. Start the Emmy awards coming too.

tumblr_n2adkorso31s1y3rgo1_500.gif2: Bianca Del Rio. About six months ago, word started floating around that the top three finalists would be Bianca, Courtney Act, and Adore Delano. (I'm talking about this season of RuPaul's Drag Race, for those who are hopelessly out of it. Please! Catch up!) Sure enough, that turned out to be exactly the case. Also as expected, Bianca will surely cop the $100,000 prize as she takes that big sissy walk down the runway. She's wicked, witty, and warm all at once. I've always considered it a great honor whenever she rips me a new one.

Screen Shot 2014-05-13 at 3.58.20 PM.png1: ZAC EFRON. When you're impossibly good looking like Zac Efron, the whole world loves you. When you do stinky movies like New Year's Day and provide a voice for The Lorax, the world says, "Who cares? He's still really, really cute." But when you have a big, juicy hit like Neighbors -- which destroyed Spider-Man at the box office last weekend -- people suddenly go, "Wow! This is someone we deeply care about! Move over, Mother Teresa." Add Zac's newfound sobriety, plus the fact that he's shirtless in virtually everything he does (except The Lorax), and we've got a winner.

Photos by Patrick McMullan.

More Jack Kilmer Photos from Our Gia Coppola Palo Alto Shoot

Will Forte As Jennjamin Franklin Will Haunt You For Life


Will Forte, Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen and Vanessa Bayer performed the rejected SNL sketch "Jennjamin Franklin" on Late Night with Seth Meyers last night and it was horrifying and hilarious.
fartmanagement.png Your new favorite time-waster: DUMB.Domains, which generates terrible (and available!) domain names and how much they cost. [LaughingSquid]

39aEs3m.pngNope. [Reddit]

THE MATRIX. [Mlkshk]

tumblr_mqcaib9qqi1sovqwso1_500.jpgSo sweet. [RatsOff]

tumblr_n5ik7j3sro1qe0wclo1_500.jpgOne day Ahmed will rule the world. [TheClearlyDope]

This dog is super into Game of Thrones, but is SO far behind. Oh god, he hasn't seen the Red Wedding episode yet. [TastefullyOffensive]

M.I.A. Remixed Beyoncé's "***Flawless"


For the last two days we've all been speculating about what Beyoncé, Jay Z and Solange's next moves will be in the wake of THAT ELEVATOR INCIDENT and the answer is probably... nothing. Unless you count subtle -- or not so subtle -- messages via Beyoncé's recent Instagram curation. But while we continue to obsess over the entire Knowles-Carter tribe's every move, one of our favorite rabble-rousers, M.I.A., has made a move of her own: she released a very opportune remix of Bey's "***Flawless."

In this version, the song gets M.I.A.'s signature frenetic party vibes treatment with loads of drum machines, trap beats and mash-up lyrics from Beyoncé's 2008 hit, "Diva." The artist tweeted the song out earlier this morning with an emoji showing a man and a woman holding hands and the words "M 50 | W 50."

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 12.23.07 PM.pngMeanwhile, in a further coincidence -- or not coincidence -- of timing, it appears that Solange and Jay were seen trying to make nice to one another by going on a little jewelry shopping spree in NYC yesterday at a store called, ahem, Mr. Flawless.

Take a listen to the remix, above.

Three Must-Hear Albums This Month

hercules_ppv.jpg(Photo by Benjamin Alexander Huseby)

Hercules & Love Affair
The Feast of the Broken Heart (Big Beat/Atlantic Records)
Three years after the underrated nu disco of 2011's Blue Songs, New York dance floor heroes Hercules & Love Affair return with The Feast of the Broken Heart. DJ/producer Andy Butler continues to steer the group toward a classic house sound while relying on the smooth R&B vocals of a rotating cast of collaborators. Lead single "Do You Feel the Same?" bumps and grooves like a lost club classic.

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 2.30.52 PM.pngTobacco
Ultima II Massage (Ghostly)
If you find the blissed-out electronic psychedelia of Pittsburgh's Black Moth Super Rainbow a little too cheery, let frontman Tobacco (aka Tom Fec) take you down a K-hole with his solo project's third album, Ultima II Massage, a bleary mishmash of breakbeats, synthesizer squeals and refracted vocals. "Eruption (Gonna Get My Hair Cut At the End of the Summer)" belongs to a particularly seductive genre of nightmare, full of bass-dropping electronic squalls.

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 2.32.03 PM.pngtUnE-yArDs

Nikki Nack (4AD)
Kaleidoscopic pop savant tUnE-yArDs (aka Merrill Garbus) continues to mature on her third full-length album, Nikki Nack, a chaotically catchy arrangement of dizzying harmonies and kitchen-sink instrumentation that rarely repeats its intricate sonic configurations. No track sums up the album better than the criminally melodic schoolyard bop of lead single "Water Fountain," which sounds and feels like the new-age spiritual successor to the deceptive simplicity of the Dixie Cups' percussive classic "Iko Iko."

Cute Band Alert! Sylvan Esso's Debut Album Is Gonna Be Your Summer Soundtrack

sylvanessoppv.jpgAfter randomly meeting on a shared bill at the Cactus Club in Milwaukee, Amelia Meath, of the folk trio Mountain Man, asked Nick Sanborn, who was opening as electronic producer Made of Oak, to remix her song "Play It Right." They were so pleased with the results that they moved to Durham, North Carolina to record a pop album as Sylvan Esso. Following three infectious, dreamy singles, released over the last year, that blend Meath's crooning harmonies with Sanborn's scattered synths, the duo's buzzy self-titled debut album, out May 13, is set to be the soundtrack of the summer. Here we talk to Meath about what their album's made for: dancing.

Did you and Nick bond over dancing?

Yeah, I knew we were going to be friends because we danced the same way. We both get so dorkily stoked that there is no way that we aren't going to twitch around onstage.

What's the best dance party you've ever been to?

When I was living in San Francisco learning contortionism at circus school. I met these two dudes busking on the street and they invited me to this party. When I walked in, it was full of circus people -- like naked circus people doing the limbo and drinking something that was sort of White Russian-y and kombucha. It was wild! I was super young so it was the party that put the Can't Hardly Wait party in context for me.

Wait -- you're a contortionist?

Yeah. Before I decided to go to college, I thought about doing that for a while. But circus people are so intense! They are like theater kids and jocks mixed together into some sort of vain superhero. Plus, once you're trained in contortionism there are few alternatives besides contortion or stripping.

Photographers Inez & Vinoodh Take Their Relationship to the Next Level

inezvinoodhmain.jpgVinoodh Matadin and Inez van Lamsweerde

Dutch photographers Inez van Lamsweerde and Vinoodh Matadin fell in love instantly. It was 1985 and they were students at the Amsterdam Fashion Academy. Both in other relationships at the time, they collaborated for six years before their professional and personal lives came together. They've been inseparable ever since. As some of the first photographers to experiment with digital manipulation in the early '90s, the couple made a name for themselves with hyper-stylized, technology-driven images in fashion publications like The Face and Visionaire. Their work flows seamlessly from gallery walls (they joined Gagosian Gallery in 2012) to fashion editorials to advertising campaigns for powerhouse brands like Dior, Louis Vuitton, Calvin Klein and Miu Miu, successfully straddling the polarizing planets of cult cool and commercial viability. Now they are looking beyond the frame and into the marketplace with their own products, including a fragrance (1996) and a fine jewelry line launched last fall. As the couple enter a new phase of their career, we talk to Van Lamsweerde about translating their creative vision into a lifestyle brand and how their relationship influences everything they do.

MD: Why did you see this as the right time to start developing a brand beyond your photography?

IVL: It wasn't as calculated as it may look -- or was made to look. It's a natural progression. There isn't a pre-calculated idea behind any of our projects. Even when people say, "Oh they want to be a brand," it's people needing a label, but for us, whether it's a photograph or a lamp or a candle or a piece of pottery, it's still us. The world is like that now. It's about being interested in all different facets of design and film and music. We have so many ideas constantly that "Why not?" was always the question.

MD: Why did you decide to start with jewelry and a fragrance?

IVL: A big motivation behind it all is the people we've worked with and learned from during our career. We met the jewelers Ten Thousand Things and over the last three years they taught us how to make jewelry and about all the metals and stones. At some point Vinoodh asked them to create a necklace for me because our son Charles Star turned 10 last year and Vinoodh wanted to make me a special present. When I started wearing the necklace, a lot of people asked, "Where did you get that?" and "How did you make it?" So from then on we thought, "Maybe we should make a series of necklaces?" From there it just became a huge collection. The same thing happened with the fragrance. We met Ben Gorham [founder of Byredo Parfums] through friends and he asked us to do a special project with him that would be a Christmas present for our friends. Once everyone got it, they were incredibly excited and wanted more bottles so we decided to put it out there as a real product.

MD: You never envisioned yourselves as designers?

IVL: No, no, it just grew in that way. I think it's a sign of the times. People seem to be more open to the idea of anyone expressing themselves in any way that is exciting to them. When we started as photographers in the late '80s it wasn't like that. Everything was divided into categories and you wouldn't step out of your field. The way the world is now, there is no limit, which is extremely exciting to us.

MD: What do you think it means to be a photographer in 2014?

IVL: It's a great moment for photography because so many people are touched by it now. I'm obsessed with Instagram. I love the democraticness. Technically everyone is a photographer now. Everyone has found a way to connect through visuals, and I think that's such a liberating and inspiring thing. It makes you look at the world differently. I get inspired looking at Instagram. But it's a very different thing to work as a photographer the way we do. Demands are really, really high and you have to deliver at least 10 incredible photographs for a brand in a day. It takes time and experience to learn to cope with the pressure. You have to want to communicate and be in touch with everyone. We enjoy that part very much, but you need a certain personality to handle all of it.

MD: How would you describe your vision as photographers?

IVL: Bottom line, we're photographing human beings, and for us, the connection we have with the person we are photographing is the most important. It is a big thing to be photographed. You have to give up certain boundaries and quickly establish a sense of trust. The connection between the photographer and subject, whether it's a model, actor or friend, is really about an instant relationship, which is what makes it so beautiful because it is very intense in a short period of time. Then we always look for the one thing in our subject that is the most exciting for us visually and heighten it. There is always a sense of the ultimate version of that person. For us it's exciting to see someone walk off your set feeling 10 times better about themselves than when they walked in. That is a satisfying feeling.

MD: Does that creative bottom line translate to your other projects?

IVL: It does. Everything has a very personal focus, and I think it all starts with the photographs. Anything we do in the future will have found inspiration in our pictures. From there it could become something for your home or that you wear, but that side of things will be more about creating something that we've longed for and haven't been able to find. It would be extremely basic; not necessarily labeled a fashion item. I wouldn't see it as seasonal, but something you would want to keep forever -- furniture, fashion, any of that.

MD: You're after the ultimate version of everything.

IVL: Yes, and we're always looking for the essence of things. We are very interested in the baroque, grotesque and ornate elements, but in the end we are always coming down to the essence. Everything we do begins with us stripping everything down and finding what's left over that's really important or needed or really says it all, and then as we go along we might add things on to make it more ornate, but that's how we build everything -- the photos, the jewelry, the fragrance. Everything starts with finding what it is really about.

MD: What is your jewelry really about?

IVL: The basic elements to the jewelry line are two interlocking wedding rings and then there is a tiny star pendant that started it all, which represents our son Charles, whose middle name is Star. So it's really about a connection between people -- whether in love, in work or in family. I've noticed when people come to see the jewelry, they really feel the love between the three of us. They immediately pick up the necklace with the stone drop hanging from the two rings because it reminds them of someone they love.

CharlesStella_mm2.jpgInez and Vinoodh's son, Charles Star with his friend Stella Hannert

MD: As a working couple, love must play a big role in your work. Is everything intertwined?

IVL: Yes. We are together 24/7. My husband and I have never been away from each other longer than maybe three hours? It's the same with our son. We've never been apart for a night in his life. We always say, "Why wouldn't you want to spend all your time with the person you love?" We feed off each other idea-wise and complement each other in a way that feels natural. It isn't even anything we think about; it just goes. It's been 27 years; by now we know what it's about.

MD: How would you describe your working dynamic?

IVL: I am usually the one who directs the model or whoever we are photographing. So my photographs are more of the aware kind of pictures because the person is generally looking into the lens and Vinoodh walks around and has a wider view on the whole thing, which is ideal because we'll have the exact same moment, but with a very different feeling attached to it. Some shoots require a much more aware photograph while others want a softer, quieter moment, so we always know we have it.

ivjewelry3.jpg MD: A lot of people in the public eye try to keep their private lives under wraps. Does it make you nervous to put it all out there and ultimately sell it?

IVL: It doesn't feel like it's selling it. It's more like inviting everyone into it. The big thing is to inspire, and I feel it is just too great to be able to spend your life together, work together and experience the same things. I wish everyone could have that. I have a lot of people say to me, "Oh my god, I could never work with my husband. I love him but I couldn't work with him." And obviously to each their own, but with me and Vinoodh it couldn't be any other way. For us, shooting is about that teamwork as well. From the stylist to makeup and hair to the models, there is a collaborative aspect that is the base of our relationship. Vinoodh and I started a work relationship before we had a love relationship. Even though we knew we loved each other from the moment we met, it took six years to align our love lives, to give in to it. It doesn't even feel like we are exposing ourselves or putting ourselves out in a vulnerable way because it is so natural.

MD: And promoting love isn't a bad thing.

IVL: I think every person that has a voice in the public arena should use it to spread love in whichever way. I am hoping that our culture will shift from the obsession with the self to obsession with the other and giving love.

Hair by James Pecis / Makeup by Jeanine Lobell

All jewelry by Inez & Vinoodh

12 Must-See Art Shows Opening This Week

 The fourth annual LIC Arts Open festival begins tonight, May 14th, and runs through the weekend in Long Island City. The five-day festival includes artists, photographers, sculptors, music, dance, videos etc. in 85 exhibitions, installations and live shows, plus there are over 160 open studios.  And it's all FREE and open to the public.  Go HERE for the complete schedule (and you'll also find a helpful map).

JLG_homepage_2014_05_Jux.jpgJonathan LeVine
fills both of his gallery spaces with a big celebration for the 20th anniversary of Juxtapoz Magazine. The group show, "Art Truancy," opens on Thursday, May 15th from 6 to 8 p.m. at the 557C West 23rd Street space and from 7 to 9 p.m. at 529 West 20th Street.  Works by over 40 artists will be on view including Mark Ryden, Maya Hayuk, Neckface, Robert Williams, Swoon, Shepard Fairey and Todd James.  "The collective rise in popularity of this entire community has achieved a level that not only infiltrates the more established and insular art market, but also far surpasses it in fan following and recognition," says LeVine.  It's up until June 14th.

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 4.16.13 PM.pngNew York City's "smallest institution," Mmuseummm (Cortlandt Alley b/t Franklin and White), opens for a third season on May 15th at 7 p.m. with new collections from Maira Kalman, Casey Neistat, Radiolab, Freeman & Lowe, Tucker Viemeister and more; plus special guests and performances.  The tiny museum, including a cafe and gift shop, fits in a freight elevator  and was founded in 2012 by Alex Kalman, Josh Safdie and Ben Safdie.

TVML-1-Gold-Green-Wood.jpgCity Foundry
(365 Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn) hosts a show of cool "design works" made from discarded bits of technology (old TVs,  vacuum tubes, circuit boards etc.) by Ramiro Cairo on Thursday, May 15th, 7 to 9 p.m.

Camo_24.jpgEleven new paintings by Lucien Smith go on view at Skarstedt Gallery (20 East 79th Street) from May 15th, 6 to 8 p.m., through June 27th.  The works in the exhibition, "Tigris," are meant to "convey an organic sensibility."

If you're heading upstate over the weekend, be sure to check out the opening of Jack Shainman Gallery's new space, The School (25 Broad Street, Kinderhook, NY) on Saturday, May 17th.  The doors of the gigantic, 30,000-square-foot former high school will open at 4 p.m. and there's a special performance by Chicago-based artist Nick Cave at 5 p.m. (the Soundsuit dude, not the musician) plus DJ April Hunt.  The gallery is also celebrating their 30th anniversary and even the mayor of Kinderhook, Carol Weaver, will be attending.

Multi-media artist Cory Arcangel designed a "surf" clothing line meant for web surfing.  The items, including sweat pants, sheets and pillow cases, will debut on May 17th, 2 to 9 p.m. at a one-day-only pop-up store at the Holiday Inn in SoHo (138 Lafayette Street) along with recent works by the Brooklyn-based artist.  The surfware can also be purchased online HERE.

Amanda Lepore
hosts a multi-media salon curated by fashion videographer Rhyan Hamilton on Saturday, May 17th at 7 p.m. at Colony Studios (67 West Street, Brooklyn).  The event entitled "I Want Them To Turn Black" includes installations featuring Lepore and a performance by Lady Alchemy accompanied by the electronic music collective known as The House of Pain.

A pop-up exhibition of works by the legendary designer and architect Alexander Girard opens at 446 West 14th Street on May 17th and is open to the public from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. daily until May 28th.  The exhibit, "An Uncommon Vision," includes archival designs and ephemera from his tenure at Herman Miller from 1952 to 1973.  A selection of products and designs will also be available to purchase.

If you're around Washington Square Park from May 19th until June 15th, look for several large-scale, photo portraits of the homeless created by Andres Serrano. "Residents of New York," produced by More Art, is the first public art project in NYC by the American artist and photographer, is perhaps best known for his controversial 1987 work "Piss Christ."  The works can be seen at various locations in the Village, including the West 4th Street subway station, Judson Memorial Church and some are even on phone booths.

Screen Shot 2014-05-14 at 4.28.54 PM.pngNew York artist/designer Cey Adams -- he was "the founding creative director" at Def Jam Recordings -- has a show of new paintings called "Foreign Exchange" up at Artsource International (333 Park Avenue South) through June 11.  Unfortunately it's "viewable by appointment only."


And finally, don't forget to check out the exhibition of Robert Rauschenberg's "Hoarfrost" editions from 1974.  They're still on view in Chelsea at Gemini G.E.L.  (535 West 24th Street, 3rd floor) until May 23rd.

Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake Gettin' Down


Here's a match made in heaven: Justin Timberlake and Michael Jackson. Of course the latter has already departed, but still works from the grave to fulfill his multi-million dollar recording agreement with Epic. His estate and "re-imaginers" constructed a new album using rejected tracks and up-to-the-minute hit producers to come up with his latest album, Xscape. Can't blame Justin Timberlake -- thank God they didn't call the other Justin -- for getting involved, and from the looks of this clip that he also co-directed, Justin is having a ball. There are lots of bits from old Jackson classic videos, plus dancing kids and lip-synching aplenty. The only thing missing is a couple of cute kittens and a can of Pepsi.

Even LeBron Wants to Know What Caused Solangeddon

tumblr_n5im9socNw1r5zq6ao1_400.gifLeBron's just like, "Alright, Jay, so what actually happened?" [via The Clearly Dope]

Tips for renting an apartment c/o The Onion. [via Tastefully Offensive]

tumblr_n5cntbQTM81rn7bzro1_1280.jpgK! [via Knusprig Titten Hitler]

Are you in your twenties and feeling old because Eminem's daughter is a teenager? Well, guess what? YOU'RE NOT FUCKING OLD. [via College Humor]

tumblr_n5khyl089s1r2luwko1_500.jpg"Park Slope graffiti." [via Rats Off]

Here's a delightful 1965 news segment about a British cat boutique. [via Laughing Squid]

tumblr_mpe1hgKV1a1rtgzofo1_500.jpg#OG [via Trill Adam Clark]

Here's an excellent compilation of celebrities impersonating other celebrities. Bono as Bill Clinton FTW. [via Tastefully Offensive]

Handbraekes (Mr. Oizo + Boys Noize) Are Sending a Tiny, Shirtless Army For You


It's not even noon here in NYC and we're about to try a little "420" experiment using the video for "Bravo" from EP #2 by Handbraekes (that name might mean more to you after we mention that it's a collab between Boys Noize and Mr. Oizo). First we'll watch the clip -- directed by Barzolff814 and Wang Jay Moon -- in our normal a.m. state of mind, and then we'll go for a walk around the block for some medical assistance. BEFORE: Super minimal and repetitive, with tiny dudes walking around a table top. AFTER: The little people have huge noses that look like bananas! And just when you think they're going to get together and pull the giant "hand brake," they turn and walk away. They are obviously unable to face the consequences of their actions and can only evolve through mechanical routine. Hey, this is fun -- let's watch it again with headphones.

Three Must-See Films This Month

youngandbeautifulmay.jpg(Photo courtesy of IFC Films)

Young & Beautiful

Swimming Pool director François Ozon's intriguing new film, which was undeservedly slammed at Cannes, begins with Isabelle (the sullenly gorgeous Marine Vacth), losing her virginity on a beach vacation with her family on the eve of her 17th birthday. Her sexual awakening takes a bizarre turn when she returns to school in the fall and begins meeting a series of anonymous men in hotel rooms for money. This slide into prostitution has serious ramifications but gives her an illicit thrill and power that normal dating does not. There is a superb scene at the end with the great Charlotte Rampling that sums up the movie; it's tender, melancholic and magnificent.

Screen Shot 2014-05-15 at 11.53.26 AM.pngCold in July
In this sensational slice of American Gothic-noir, based on a novel by Joe R. Lansdale, Michael C. Hall plays Richard Dane, a decent husband and father who shoots and kills a burglar in his home one night. The local police in the small Texas town give Dane a pass, but the intruder's vengeful, recently paroled father (Sam Shepard) is suspicious of the night's events and is determined to know the truth about what happened to his boy. Jim Mickle (Stake Land) directs this twisted tale of crime, porn, corruption and revenge with artful simplicity and blazing intensity, and Don Johnson gives a phenomenally good performance as a flashy detective.

Screen Shot 2014-05-15 at 11.55.21 AM.pngBlue Ruin
Director Jeremy Saulnier's rawboned tale of revenge stars Macon Blair as Dwight -- a bearded, scraggly vagrant who lives in his blue Pontiac on Virginia's seaside. When he finds out the man responsible for his parents' murder is being released from prison, he gets motivated to seek bloody retribution, a plan that eventually puts his sister (Amy Hargreaves) and her children in danger. Dwight is a bit of a cipher, which makes dramatic sense -- his family tragedy has fatally unmoored him -- but revenge is like a snowball rolling down a mountain, and in this taut thriller it buries everything in its path.