Lady Gaga's New Song Is About Burqas and Dancing (Of Course)

August 6, 2013, 1:00 pm

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Lady Gaga likens the wearing of the veil to the state of being an enigmatic popstar in her newly leaked track "Aura" (or maybe it's "Burqa," word's still out on its official title). The first leaked song off of ARTPOP, it has all the classic Gaga attributes: controversial and mildly clever lyrics set to a throbbing, almost-grating dance beat that's at times great and at times horrible. There will probably be a lot of debate about the extent to which the lyrics are exploitative or shortsighted or propagate Orientalism or make a fair point. It's also sure be played at parties for months on end. Listen above.

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Elijah Wood Is Starring In Rodarte's New Sci-Fi Fantasy-Inspired Fashion Film

August 6, 2013, 1:56 pm

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Leave it to the Mulleavy sisters to make a fashion film featuring models, A-list actors and...Dungeons and Dragons? In "This Must Be the Only Fantasy," their new film directed by Todd Cole, the Rodarte designers tapped close friend Elijah Wood to star as a shadowy figure named Trevor who's late for a game of DnD -- or so we think. The film also features models Sidney Williams and Guinevere Van Seenus wearing the label's fantasy game-inspired S/S '13 collection along with shots of light sabers, unicorns and fairies that kind of look like Kristen Stewart. The whole thing is set to a haunting soundtrack by Beach House.

The preview clip premiered today over at Style.com and the full 12-minute video will debut this week over at The Creators Project.

Fred Willard Stars In Yo La Tengo's "Is That Enough" Video

August 6, 2013, 3:30 pm

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We finally found the answer to the age-old question, "what is Yo La Tengo?" Apparently that answer can be found by solving a pseudo-mathematical equation involving lots and lots of word association between bands, singers and songs. Directed by Donik Cary -- who writes for New Girl and The Simpsons -- "Is That Enough" takes you through the Yo La Tengo Proof in a way that's reminiscent of Bart Simpson writing out those endless admonishments on the chalkboard. And then -- surprise! -- it turns out that Fred Willard was the one doing the math all along. Watch above.

"Is That Enough" appears on the band's latest album Fade, out now.

[via Pitchfork]

This Vine of A Woman Dancing to "Blurred Lines" Is the Best

August 7, 2013, 7:13 am

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ICYMI: this Vine, taken by this woman's neighbor as she gets her groove on to "Blurred Lines," is the best. [via Gawker]




If you need us, we'll be watching this clip of Hugh Laurie and Stephen Colbert elegantly reading a list of the most sexual things they're allowed to say on TV all morning. [via Jezebel]


New favorite Tumblr alert: BASS DOGS, where dogs are Photoshopped into photos of bass players doing their thang. [via Jezebel]
 



It turns out that many famous comedians tried out for roles in the office back in 2003, including Adam Scott trying out for Dwight, Bob Odenkirk trying out for Michael, and Kathryn Hahn trying out for Pam. The audition reel is priceless. [via Uproxx]


At first you think this guy is, you know, pretty cool, but then you realize he's the coolest. [via Afternoon Snooze Button]

From the author of Cactus in the Arctic: How to Expect the Unexpected. [via Rats Off]


We'll take a pine cone with two scoops of S'Mores, please. [via mlkshk]


Just a lonely little shark out in the deep, wooden sea. [via mlkshk]

Pedro Almodóvar On His Latest Film, Gayness in Spain and Royal Scandal

August 7, 2013, 10:20 am

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Pedro Almodovar has gone from being the enfant terrible of European cinema to being its elder statesman. His recent film I'm So Excited is a return to the wacky and wild comedies of his early years in the Madrid of the late 1980s. Of course since it's Almodovar, there is irresistible melodrama, juicy dialogue and a parade of eccentric characters. We talked to Almodovar about the changes in Spain since he began making films during the artistically rich 'La Movida' period to today's economic crisis and scandals involving the royal family. Through it all one thing remains the same: Almodovar is one of the most talented storytellers working in film today.

People now think of you as the new Douglas Sirk, making very dramatic movies. But I'm So Excited is very much a cuckoo-crazy comedy. Why did you do comedy?

Pedro Almodóvar: I never analyze why I write this and why I don't write other things. It's true that I wanted to go back [to comedy], and this time I wanted to go back to make this crazy kind of comedy. But I was also glad that I was able to access comedy during a moment of crisis, given the way things are in Spain right now. It's also true that this kind of comedy identified me in the eighties.

I was surprised Cecilia Roth's character mentions the King and his many alleged dalliances. She literally says, "this hooker fucked the King." It seems like that never could have happened 20 years ago.

It's true. Now there is a big discussion about that. I read the day before yesterday in a newspaper that the same adviser who told Bill Clinton to ask to be forgiven by Hillary and to admit that he had an affair with Lewinsky, that same person is advising the King to do exactly the same. He has to admit to the country that he had an affair and he has to ask the Queen for forgiveness. This of course is very much a part of Spanish reality at this moment and it's not that I want to cause the King any problems, but it's a story that's in all the tabloids. Even the mainstream press is also covering this story and talking about all the various lovers -- especially one who seems to have received state funds. Many people accuse the King of escaping from the body guards, on a motorcycle with a helmet, to visit some girls, some actresses. Everything is out in the open -- people speak directly about these things. And so some people joke about his private life.

How did this script come about?

This is the genesis of my scripts always: I have an idea and then I start writing little parts, sequences. I start just for fun. But it doesn't mean that it's going to be a script -- sometimes it does, sometimes not. First [came] the situation of the two pilots with the steward talking very openly about their relationship. One discovered that the other one hooked up [with someone], and the other one is married. And I thought that it was very funny, so then I continued with these three characters. My brother and my assistant said "why don't you make a movie with these stories?" They were funny, I mean I had like 20 minutes worth of story and it was very funny. But you have to build a story. You have to build real characters and that was the more difficult part for me. I could keep on writing funny things, but for a movie that's an hour and a half, you need something else. You need a story, it has to relate. And that took me four years. The problem was the passengers and creating a relation between them and also some secret that can be funny, entertaining but also, a little bit deeper than just making jokes. So that's how it took me like the last five years. I'm also always writing, so I have more than one script on my desk. So let's say that I always have like three, and they are [all] developing little by little. There's always one that takes precedence, [and] that's the one that I'm going to make a movie of, but I'm always working on all the other ones too.

When you first started making movies in Spain after Franco in the '80s, Spain was very conservative. And now it's sort of a leader of gay rights. Has there been a big change in how the "gayness" of your films, or just how "gayness" in general, is accepted?

It really depends. The country varies from region to region. The North tends to not be quite as accepting, whereas the South is. Even in the times of Franco, you really had a kind of gay life in the South. Now there is more global acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle. And it's sort of interesting how lesbians are a lot less visible than men and they encounter a lot more problems [when making] their lesbianism public. I think that it's kind of a residue from the macho culture. And the only problem that I can now see is that ever since the right wing party has taken over, the Church has gained in power. And as the Church gains in power, it speaks against and says horrible things about homosexuality. But it's true, like you say, that there is a big acceptance of gays in Spanish society.


So you've worked on this film with some of your classic actors, like Cecilia Roth, Lola Dueñas, and Javier Cámara. Tell me a little bit about your casting. Did you write the part of the madam for Cecilia Roth, or...?

I didn't know exactly the actress [I wanted to cast] because I wanted someone a little older than Cecilia that really belongs to my generation. Someone very funny. In the late seventies, they started making films that we call el destape, the striptease. The actors were naked in every movie. I suppose that Cecilia belongs to that. There were actress like that in the seventies, but not now. So I needed a real actress to say that monologue. The only character that I had in mind was Javier Cámara for Ricardo, the steward. Because he's like the master of ceremonies. And also, Lola Dueñas because she's weird. I thought she was the only one for that part. She has simplicity and is natural.

For the rest, I was holding a lot of auditions because when you make a comedy you not only need good actors, you need lots of people that have the rhythm, the tempo of the comedy -- it's very important. When you see The Women or Philadelphia Story, you see that they talk so quick that they -- a human being doesn't have the time to understand what the other is saying. With comedies like that it's 'you talk, I talk.' So that rhythm is something that you cannot teach to the actors. They have it or they don't.

Like Carmen Cervera or Ira von Fürstenberg.

Exactly! You remember. Ira von Fürstenberg made movies in Spain.

Terrible movies but very beautiful.

Very funny, very kitsch. She made movies that even now are very fun. Ira von Fürstenberg made two or three -- actually she made one of the very big gay films with a gay doctor where the actor is not actually gay -- called No desearás al vecino del quinto (The Neighbor on the Fifth Floor). And it was awful because it was really very machista. He pretended to be gay so he could get more beautiful women. And she was in that movie and it was a big hit in Spain.

Someone who I particularly loved was the very flamboyant flight attendant, Carlos Areces. Is he in any other movies? Is he famous?

He belongs to this group of comedians that are on TV, but it's very underground. As time has gone by -- and it's been about ten years -- they get more and more attention. He's quite well-known in Madrid and he also DJs. And so when I say underground, it's really more for the rest of Spain. Madrid is a lot more like New York in that sense. He is very peculiar. And that's why I put him in the movie: that peculiarity that he has, not really physically, but the way of acting that he is very strange.

Tell me about Hugo Silva, the co-pilot who gives the blowjob to the captain.

Yeah, yeah, he's a very famous actor, in TV, theater, and movies. And this was completely new for him because he just built the character -- he's not gay. So it was funny to convert him into someone flamboyant. I almost had to invent my own kind of school for him on how to teach him to be queeny. But a very specific one, one that would fit him and his style.

Paz Vega was interesting to me. She's a movie star in Spain, right?

She should be really like the new Penelope [Cruz] but she's not -- but you can still find her in all the red carpets that you can imagine. But she's a very good actress, I think she deserves better movies than what she was doing. But I asked people like Paz Vega, Penelope and Antonio [Banderas] because they are friends of mine, to be in these small roles. I needed all these good actors even for those very small roles.

I was in Ibiza last weekend and in my flight from Ibiza to Madrid there was a very handsome man with white hair. And then I looked at him again and it was Miguel Molina from Law of Desire. He was the most handsome ever.

That family is so beautiful. Also the sister, she has a lot of wrinkles but [she's] beautiful. That family, I mean what are they, all of them, they are all very beautiful. Miguel now is fifty-something and it's a pity because he should be better. But at that moment, when I took him for Law of Desire, it was when he was blossoming.

He was heaven.

Ah, heaven.

Photo: Will Ragozzino/BFAnyc.com

Lebanese Jewelry Designers Tell Us About the Coolest Places to Go Out In Beirut

August 7, 2013, 11:00 am

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[L-R: Tatiana Fayad and Joanne Hayek]

Each week in our new column, "No Sleep Til...," we'll be talking to cool kids around the globe, asking them to fill us in about the bands, DJs, music venues and night spots they and their friends are obsessing over. Next time you visit their home city, leave your Fodor's and Lonely Planet guides behind and go party like a local instead.

Names?

Tatiana Fayad & Joanne Hayek

Ages?

25

Where do you guys live?

Beirut

What do you do?

We're jewelry and accessories designers for a line called Vanina.

What Lebanese bands or DJs are you currently obsessed with and think we should know about?

Mashrou3 Leila. Joanne was the first to discover them, as she was a friend with the violinist and the drummer of the band from university. They used to play in their department during the breaks.

What's their music like?

They're an alternative rock band and write songs with satirical themes about Lebanese society. Their best song is their first, "Raksit Leila."

Where are the cool places to see live music in Beirut?

A very cool place in Beirut to enjoy live bands is the Music Hall. It's like a big ancient theater with live shows every 30 minutes. You get to see a lot of different, unexpected artists -- it's a great melting pot of music and culture.

Describe your perfect night out in Beirut.

What's great about living in Lebanon is that you can do a lot of different activities during the weekend. We love hiking, enjoying the beach in the summer, the mountains in winter. We love to do outdoor activities during the day, and then go out to dinner in the city at night.

What's your favorite bar/nightclub in Beirut and what are the cool neighborhoods to hang out in?

We don't go to nightclubs very often -- we prefer to have drinks in bars around Mar Mikhael or Hamra districts, which are the "happening" areas at the moment.The bars we like are The Gathering and Internazionale in Mar Mikhael and De Prague in Hamra.

Check out Tatiana and Joanne's music recs:

Mashrou3 Leila -- "Raksit Leila"

Check out Tatiana and Joanne's nightlife listings:

Music Hall, Starco Center, Omar Daouk Street, Beirut

The Gathering, Pasteur Street Gemmeyze, Beirut

Internazionale, Armenai St./Alexander Fleming St., Beirut

De Prague, 166 Makdissi St., Beirut

More from our 'No Sleep Til...' series including nightlife and music in Paris, Mumbai, Seoul, Bogotá and more!

Marina Abramović Will Hug Everyone Who Donates to Her Kickstarter

August 7, 2013, 11:07 am

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Have you hugged a performance art legend today? Marina Abramović -- whose work has been seen everywhere from the Museum of Modern Art to Jay Z's latest video -- has announced that she will host two new events called "The Embrace." One will be held in New York City and another in Europe as a thank you to the backers of her Kickstarter campaign to create the Abramović Institute in Hudson, NY. During the event, Abramović will hug each and every person who donated $1 or more to the institute (which, as a center dedicated to the presentation and preservation of work including performance art, dance, theater, music, film and opera, is a very worthy cause). A few thousand hugs may sound overwhelming, but after staring into the eyes of MoMA patrons for 700 hours, it must be a breeze! The Abramović Institute Kickstarter campaign launched on July 26th and has a goal of $600,000.

Illustration by Cassandra Long

Spike Jonze's Her Trailer: ScarJo Is a Computer, Joaquin Pheonix Is Lonely

August 7, 2013, 1:00 pm

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Joaquin Phoenix is in love with a computer in the trailer for Spike Jonze's upcoming movie, Her. Pheonix plays a lonely dude named Theodore who tries to get over his ex (Rooney Mara) by using a highly advanced operating system that creates Samantha (voiced by Scarlett Johansson), an Artificial Intelligence program designed to win over his heart or something. The movie looks like a good ol' fashioned indie romcom, but we have one nagging doubt: will we be able get over the fact that the disembodied computer voice is ScarJo? Or will it be like Alec Baldwin narrating Frozen Planet, where you want to pay attention to the polar bears but all you can think about is Alec Baldwin sitting in a recording studio reading from a script about hibernation? There's also the question of what Jonze-ian fuckery Theodore will have to go through: will Samantha go all HAL on him? Will she spread his dick pics all over the internet after he realizes that he's in love with his tragically-wigged, but very real lady friend played by Amy Adams? Let's hope so.

Her opens on November 20.

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An Antwerp-By-Way-of-Bali Jewelry Designer Makes Gorgeous Baubles Inspired By Mental Disorders

August 7, 2013, 1:30 pm

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Fittingly for Antwerp-by-way-of-Bali jewelry designer, Heaven Tanudiredja, his creations are just as fascinating and complex as his multinational background. With previous experience designing for Dries Van Noten, Tanudiredja launched his own line six years ago. He's wowed the fashion world ever since with his intricate, glittering baubles that have ranged from sophisticated pendant necklaces to exuberantly over-the-top body armor. The designer's current spring collection includes statement bangles and bibs that he creates from "a caging system that is either coated in precious metals or a color powder-coating process," the designer tells us. Many feature grasping hand and wheel ornaments, recurring embellishments in his Fall/Winter 2013 collection inspired, he says, by mental disorder. "It sounds heavy but in truth, I try to sculpt the beauty behind the chaos," the designer explains. You can find Tanudiredja's creations at Blake Chicago. Scope more photos of Tanudiredja's work, below.

Quasimoto's "Catchin' the Vibe" Video: If A Tribe Called Quest Were Creepy

August 7, 2013, 3:30 pm

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We're getting a distinctly '90s-era A Tribe Called Quest vibes from Quasimoto's "Catchin' the Vibe" video. Quas -- who's actually rapper Madlib's animated alter-ego -- originally wanted "Catchin' the Vibe" to be filmed on the streets of Los Angeles (and indeed, the scenery looks like it could be a rough neighborhood in SoCal) but because directors Tuomas Vauhkonen and Jeremias Nieminen apparently couldn't get a permit, it ended up be filmed in Romania and Finland. Californian or not, the video tracks a weird, witchy guy who seems to made of garbage as he travels around town peddling his wares. Turns out he's just trying to make and sell some good records. Watch above.

Thursday Is Brought to You By a Bear Riding a Sea-Doo

August 8, 2013, 7:30 am

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All this bear on a Sea-Doo needs is Kris Jenner in a wig riding behind him. [Alaska Dispatch via Gawker]

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Video Archive

ICYMI: Daft Punk had to cancel their headlining appearance at StePhest Colbchella last night so instead Colbert lip synced "Get Lucky" with the help of Hugh Laurie, Bryan Cranston, Jeff Bridges and -- holy shit! -- Henry Kissinger. [via Hyper Vocal]

Leonardo DiCaprio on a hoverboard is our new favorite Leonardo DiCaprio. [via Tall Whitney]

Love this round-up of clever packaging over at Tastefully Offensive.

This is our new fun and flirty summer look. [via Humor Train]

Nailed it. [via Afternoon Snooze Button]

Awesome underwater photos of dogs chasing tennis balls. [via 100 Years of Lolitude]

If you're nice to Jack, he might share some of that mango. [via Tall Whitney]

Live from San FranSisqo, Thursday, let's do this. [via Dorsey Shaw Experience]

Comedian Kurt Braunohler Shares Three Absurd Things You Can Do to Improve the World

August 8, 2013, 5:02 am

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To me, Kurt Braunohler will always be the guy who, along with his partner/bestie Kristen Schaal, brought weekly doses of next-level comedy to Gowanus via the variety show Hot Tub with Kurt and Kristen. Now that he's rebooted Hot Tub in L.A. and his debut standup album, How Do I Land?, is about to drop -- on the legendary punk label Kill Rock Stars, no less -- I'm worried that Braunohler's moment of mainstream absorption is nigh. Not that he's been hiding in the shadows till now: in addition to hosting comedy game show Bunk! on IFC and podcast The K Ohle on the Nerdist Network, Braunohler has popped up everywhere from This American Life to Adult Swim's Delocated. So before "Braunohler" becomes a household name, check out "Three Things" and share in the man's dream: "to insert stupidity or absurdity into strangers' lives."

How Do I Land? is out August 20 on Kill Rock Stars. Stay tuned for a Q&A with Braunohler next week.

Lady Gaga Shows Off the Abramović Method By Walking Naked Through a Forest (NSFW)

August 8, 2013, 9:15 am

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In today's Marina Abramović news, there's a new video on the site for the artist's institute showing Lady Gaga practicing "the Abramović method" and serving up some full-frontal nudity. In theory, this means Gaga was instructed in "a series of exercises designed to heighten participants' awareness of their physical and mental experience in the present moment"; in practice it means we see the pop star lying flat on a wooden floor while chanting "ehhhhhh," standing in a river with an antennae-esque mask on, chanting "ehhhhhh" some more, sitting back-to-back with Abramović, more "ehhhhhh," walking through a forest stark naked, spooning a giant crystal and, oh, did we mention that she's chanting "ehhhhhh"? It's an intriguing watch but might be best served mute.

And while you're on the Marina Abramović tip, read what the performance artist had to say for herself during her Reddit "Ask Me Anything" and watch her cameo in Jay Z's "Picasso Baby" performance art video.

Celebrities! How Similar to Us They Are

August 8, 2013, 10:31 am

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Welcome to our new series "Celebrities! How Similar to Us They Are," a surrealist send-up of celebrity weekly's' "Stars Are Just Like Us!" features. Each installment is written by Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell (of the very hilarious twitter account @NotTildaSwinton and our Real Housewives of New Jersey recaps) and illustrations are by Isabel Alcantara. Join us below to see Jennifer Aniston throat-sing in a CVS.


Adrian Grenier went to the top of a waterslide, but was too scared to go down,and had to be rescued.


Jennifer Aniston throat-sang at a CVS.


Donald Trump ate a tree.


Bruce Willis yelled out into the drone of night from inside a tree hollow in the woods.


Police had to be called when Seth MacFarlane refused to stop tap-dancing in a Whole Foods.


Kristen Stewart frowned inside a lamp store.

Toast & Marmalade at Atrium DUMBO

August 8, 2013, 11:15 am

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As a child, Payman Bahmani would sit down to breakfast with his grandfather, who enjoyed beginning the mornings with a simple meal of black tea and marmalade-smeared pumpernickel toast. That fond culinary ritual is what gave Bahmani, the bartender behind the consultancy Life's a Cocktail, the impetus to create the Toast & Marmalade.

This elegant pumpernickel rye-spiked Cognac, Assam tea and orange marmalade libation stars at the two-level Atrium DUMBO, the recently opened French-meets-New-American eatery in the shadow of Brooklyn Bridge Park. "I knew that rye whiskey works well with Cognac, so why not infuse Cognac with rye bread?" Bahmani points out.

He does exactly that -- with great success -- by tearing dark, slightly sour slices of pumpernickel rye bread into small pieces and dousing them in a bath of Cognac. The booze-soaked chunks then steep for five hours before a fine-pressed straining session.

Light and frothy with an egg white, Toast & Marmalade's subtle malty notes are a refreshing preface to dipping a spoon into chilled, minty pea soup.

Recipe:

*2 oz. pumpernickel rye-infused Pierre Ferrand Ambre Cognac
3/4 oz. lemon juice
**1/2 oz. Assam tea syrup
1 tsp. marmalade
1 dash Regan's Orange Bitters
1 egg white

Dry shake egg white, then shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a chilled coupe glass. Garnish with Luxardo cherry.


*To make the Pumpernickel rye:

Tear up 6 slices of pumpernickel rye bread per 750 ml bottle of Cognac into small pieces. Place slices in a large container and pour the Cognac over it, allowing it to steep for five hours, covered. Then fine strain it, making sure to press out and recover as much flavor out of the bread. Then pour it back into the original bottles.

** To make the Assam tea syrup:
1 cup sugar
1 cup water
14 grams Assam tea

Put everything in saucepan and bring to boil. Immediately remove from heat, cover and allow tea to steep 20 min. Fine strain, making sure to press tea leaves to squeeze out liquid. Refrigerate.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, the CBGB Trailer Is Here

August 8, 2013, 12:00 pm

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We'll probably go see him in it anyway.

CBGB opens on October 11.

Little Kids Direct and Star in the New So So Glos' Music Video

August 8, 2013, 1:15 pm

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The So So Glos' new video for "Dizzy" will make you want children of your own -- or at least make you want to be a grade-school teacher for a day. The Brooklyn-based punk group (who have documented their tours for us and are general BAMFs all-around) made this video in conjunction with the OMG Everywhere program, a nonprofit that travels internationally putting together art workshops for kids. Expect to see a lot of cardboard instruments, googly eyes, hand-drawn signs and youngin's busting a move. Between the song's sweet catchiness and the kids' enthusiasm, your cold, bitchy heart just might melt.

There's a Jet-Set James Franco Doll Taking Over the Internet

August 8, 2013, 1:30 pm

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Watch your back, Travelocity gnome. There's a new jet-set inanimate object. Recently, a James Franco doll (it's actually a doll of Franco in character as Oz) has been popping up all over the place. First spotted on the actor's own Instagram, the doll is quickly becoming meme-ified. In fact, someone has even made their own Instagram and Tumblr accounts compiling images of people posing with the modern-day Renaissance man in plastic form. It's unclear whether the other people holding the doll in the images are other friends of Franco's or just other people who happen to have bought the doll (or the person who manages the account). Nonetheless, the places the doll has traveled makes for a hilarious/creepy round-up of Where's Waldo: James Franco Edition (and makes us have a little travel envy).

To see more of James Franco doll's adventures, visit its Tumblr HERE and check out a few more shots below.

For Clueless Straight Women Who Want Gay Friends, Here's a Guide

August 8, 2013, 1:50 pm

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YouTube user Davey Wavey is back for more. This time, instead of having gay men say what they really think about vaginas or lesbians react to "lesbian" porn and whatnot, he made a straightforward list of no-nos for the clueless straight girl who wants to have a gay BFF -- as dictated by affronted gays. Semi-serious or not (let's hope most women know that her gay best friend isn't an accessory), it's satisfying to see charismatic gays speak out against common stereotypes and assumptions that many people (and way, way too many TV shows and movies) sometimes make. Watch above and make sure to look out for the surprise in the middle.

[via Towleroad]

Mr. Mickey's Twenty-Seven Minute Walking Tour of Paris

August 8, 2013, 2:16 pm

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If you're a culture vulture with an unquenchable thirst for museums, monuments and other fancy fixtures, it can be overwhelming to try and see all that a cultural capital like Paris, France has to offer. Mr. Mickey recently spent 18 hours in the City of Light and was determined to prove you can see all the history and culture you need in under thirty minutes -- even if he had to divvy his walking tour into two parts! Please enjoy Mr. Mickey's twenty-seven minute walking tour of Paris.

When it comes to shopping you can't go to Paris and not go to colette. This is the store that all the fashion editors love and all the coolest brands want to be in. Even though we're on a super tight schedule we do have time to pop in and see what they're showing.
 

This is a mural by Baron von Fancy around the corner from colette.

The window at colette.

After popping your head into colette for just a tiny second of shopping you can head down Rue St. Honoré to this little baroque gem the Church of Saint-Roch. It was built between 1653 and 1754 and is known as the church that hosted the wedding of the Marquis de Sade.

Walking down Rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré to Rue Royale, you'll run into Ladurée, the world-renowned bakery famous for their macaroons. They also have a little shop at the airport, so we won't have time to stop in but you can smell the treats as you walk past.

At Rue Royale we'll be turning right to get to Place de la Concorde, but if you turn to the left you'll see the Greek temple style La Madeleine, which is actually a Catholic church. It was originally meant to be a temple to glorify Napoleon's troops and it went through a lot of ups and downs before it ended up being a church.

This is a golden statue of Joan of Arc at the corner of the Rue de Rivoli and Rue de Castiglione just across from the Louvre and the Tuileries Garden.

This is the window of Valombreuse on Rue de Rivoli. They sell linens embroidered with the Eiffel Tower and other cute stuff. It's on our tour route so we do have time for you to pop in and buy a souvenir for a loved one!

I can't go to Paris without stopping at Galignani, the world's best bookstore for royalty lovers like Mr. Mickey. They have an entire section of books on royal history and I always walk out of there with all kinds of goodies.

The Place de la Concorde is a great place to include on a walking tour because it's right in the heart of Paris. Looking down the Champs-Élysées you can see the famous Arc de Triomphe, which was built to honor of those who fought for France in the Napoleonic Wars. It's a fun spot to visit and take photos but we've only got 27 minutes so 'ain't nobody got time for that!

Place de la Concorde was built from 1755-1775 and was originally called the Place de Louis XV. During the revolution the guillotine was set up here and Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette both were executed here. One end of the square is home to the fabulous Hôtel de Crillon and across the Rue Boissy-d'Anglas is the American Embassy.The square is filled with a million statues, fountains, obelisks and more. This is a shot of one of the two maritime fountains designed by Jacques Ignace Hittorff.

A figure on horseback at the gates to the gardens of the Tuileries with the obelisk at Place de la Concorde in the background. The obelisk, which is covered in hieroglyphics celebrating the reign of Pharaohs Ramses II and III, was given by Egypt to France in the 19th century.

The fabulous Hôtel de Crillon, which is closed for renovation until 2015.

A detail of one of the maritime statues in the Place de la Concorde.

The Place de la Concorde is so fancy and filled with statues and such. This arty looking hut is a public toilet or a tool shed or something crazy.

The obelisk in Place de la Concorde.

If you take the Pont Alexandre III across the Seine you arrive at Les Invalides, where Napoleon is buried.

This is the Jeu de Paume, is a fabulous museum at the corner of the Tuilieries and Place de la Concorde. It was built by Napoleon III as tennis courts (the name Jeu de Paume means game of the palm which was the indoor precursor to tennis) and now it's a gallery of contemporary art.

This is a shot of Kate Moss for Kérastase. Paris is the beauty capital of the world so you should pick up some fun beauty products while you're here!

Cute Parisians and tourists alike love to relax and hobnob in the Tuileries.

A chunky lady statue in the Tuileries Gardens. The Tuileries were built in 1564 by Queen Catherine de Medici as the gardens for her palace. It was one of the first parks to be open to the public.

This Sphynx is at the corner of the Tuileries across from the Louvre. You literally can't turn your head or take a step in Paris without stumbling on some kind of arty little scenario.

In the Tuileries -- right outside the area where they erect a tent during Fashion Week for shows like Chloé, Valentino and Viktor & Rolf -- they have a group of statues dedicated to the great rivers of the world. This one represents the Nile.

Speaking of arches, take a peek at the Arc de Triomphe du Carrousel. It's on the former site of the Tuileries and you pass it going from the Louvre to the Tuileries gardens. This arch was also built by Napoleon (I guess he really did have a complex) and is half the size of the larger Arc de Triomphe we saw earlier.

This nude statue is in a niche on the facade of the Louvre. The Louvre is one of the world's largest museums and has almost 35,000 objects in its collection from pre-history to 21st Century.

The main courtyard at the Louvre with the pyramid completed by I.M. Pei in 1989 is the main entrance to the museum. When it first opened people poo-poo'd in their pantyhose thinking it was blasphemy to build something so modern in a sacred cultural spot like the Louvre. Now I look at it and it's a big "whatever." It's hard to believe it cause such an uproar.

This is my favorite gate to the Louvre. I just love how it looks and nobody seems to use it.

The gorgeous lady is on the end of one of the millions of bridges across the Seine. Okay there are only 37 bridges over the Seine but that's still a lot.

Standing on the Pont Royal you can look in the distance and see the two rectangular towers of Notre Dame cathedral on the Île de la Cité. It's a gorgeous church, but with our time frame this is the best you can do!

This shot is taken from the Pont Royal, the third oldest bridge in Paris after the Pont Neuf and the Pont Marie, and shows the Musée d'Orsay. This former Beaux-Arts railway station houses the world's greatest collection of Impressionist and post-Impressionist paintings in the world by the likes of Renoir, Degas, Cézanne, Manet, Monet and Van Gogh. I'm not cuckoo crazy about Impressionism so it's just as well that we don't have time to go inside.

This is a shot of the towers of the Pont Alexandre III. It was named after Tsar Alexander III of Russia who signed the Franco-Russian Alliance of 1892. The foundation stone was laid by his son Nicholas II, the last Tsar of Russia who visited Paris with his wife Empress Alexandra. Lots of folks, Mr. Mickey included, consider this the most beautiful bridge in Paris.

The base of the Pont Alexandre III.

This is an equestrian statue of King Albert of Belgium that you can find at the corner of Place de la Concorde and Cours la Reine along the Seine. Albert was King of the Belgians during World War I. Mr. Mickey loves an equestrian statue of a sovereign!

The Eiffel Tower seen across the Seine. You can go to the top next time because we're on a tight schedule this time!

Along the Cours la Reine at the entrance to the Pont Alexandre III you come across this equestrian statue of the South American freedom fighter Simón Bolívar. I wish that car wasn't parked there.

Outside the Petit Palais you find this statue of Britain's legendary Prime Minister Winston Churchill. He led England through World War II. I must say Paris is pretty good about making monuments to it's allies in wars and such. A subway stop near the statue is named after American president Franklin D. Roosevelt.

On the other side of the Petit Palais you'll find this statue of Prime Minister Georges Clemenceau who led the French to victory in World War I. My favorite French leader is marshal Ferdinand Foch who accepted the surrender of the Germans in 1918. He's buried in Les Invalides along with Napoleon. Sadly we haven't got time to visit because we're in a rush!

The Grand Palais on the Champs-Élysées was built in 1897 as part of the World's Fair of 1900. The Petit Palais is across the street. Both are exhibition spaces and museums. Fashion bessies think of the Grand Palais as home to the Chanel show every season. Since Hedi Slimane took over Saint Laurent, his show is also at the Grand Palais, but in a venue through the side entrance -- not the big, cavernous main space Chanel uses.

The main entrance to the Grand Palais for the Chanel show. I swear it looks more glamorous on show day!

The entrance to the Petit Palais. I'm embarrassed to say I've never been inside because they have no fashion shows there!

Walking back to my hotel via the Champs-Élysées I stumbled across this man who sold crepes and cheese sandwiches. Naturally I ordered up a cheese sammy. Walking tours really make a person work up a big appetite!