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    "I do not cook. Ever," warned Jenny Johnson when PAPER and Canon dropped in on her recently at her Hollywood Hills home, where the Twitter super star agreed to teach us that existing on mostly microwavable food and take-out isn't anything for kitchen snobs to scoff at. It's an art. The hilarious Johnson, a former Texas news producer, rose to fame on Twitter for her acerbic wit and is now working full time as comedy writer in L.A.. The fact that she's cooking-averse and spends most of her days working at home on an upcoming book and television pilot, snacking away on popcorn and candy (Starbursts are her weakness), only made us all the more interested in her eating habits. PAPER and Canon equipped Jenny with a Canon PowerShot N digital camera and asked her to show us how to be ready to eat without ever cooking.

    IMG_2855.jpg

    "I start writing first thing in the morning when it feels fresh and can come a little easier. I'm not a big coffee or caffeine person, but I'm a snacker."

    If You're Not in a Good Delivery Zone, Not All Is Lost.
    "The downside of living in the Hollywood Hills is that I'm out of range for a lot of delivery places. I have met food delivery drivers halfway in order to get a decent meal -- I always show up on my bike, it makes me look super tough."

    Jenny_VESPA_edit.gifaf_jennyblog2a.jpg
    Jenny takes a ride on her way-sweet Vespa to pick up some take out at the edge of her delivery zone. You gotta do what you gotta do.

    Pro tip: Ovens can double as a wine racks.
    "I never cook. Truly.  I had been living here for a few months before a friend came over and was like, 'You know that your oven and stove don't work, right?' I had no idea."

    IMG_2405.jpg
    Genius life-hack idea, all you non-cookers.

    Candy, candy, candy.
    "Sometimes I'll do microwave cheese pizza for breakfast. Or I like those Dreyer's frozen fruit bars. Basically, I eat like a 12 year old.  It's a lot of small, light meals throughout the day -- usually it's popcorn and a piece of fruit, or yogurt. And there's always Starburst and these little gummy pandas, which I am currently obsessed with. I love to eat those while I'm writing."

    af_jennyblog3new.jpg
    Jenny uses the PowerShot N to upload her mid-day snack of champions to Twitter. "There's this feeling when you write a joke on Twitter that actually hits, a weirdo sense of gratification. Afterwards it's like, 'God, I want to do it again! I want to come up with something that clever again.' And, of course, you can't. And then you get the people -- my favorite repliers -- who will write back something like, 'not your best work.' Oh! Thanks mom!"

    Judge your grocery list. Then buy what's on it anyway.
    "I go to to the grocery store and look at my list and it's like, 'Wow.' There's vodka, beer, Starbursts, Vitamin water zero, lots of gummy things, and then l get apples and peanut butter, because I feel like that combination is a snack success. The way I feed myself is truly hilarious. When I first moved out here, I went grocery shopping with a friend at Ralph's and I went to get 2% milk. She was like, 'Oh my god, get the organic milk! It's really good. And it lasts longer.' She totally sold me on it. So now I buy organic milk. And I feel like such a hippie."

    IMG_3198.jpg
    Beer comes first.

    Don't bother with a toaster.
    "Everything is prepared in the microwave. My Nutri-Grain waffles would probably be a lot better in the toaster than the microwave, but I just don't remember to buy a toaster when I'm out. It's not a high priority. I wrote this on Twitter and people got mad at me, but I think it captures my outlook on cooking: I feel the same way about cooking as I do about having a baby. I'm capable of doing it, I just don't want to. Could I cook? Sure! Do I want to? No!"

    But do shell out for a juicer:
    "I own a juicer, but only because I wanted to have fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice with my vodka. Once I realized how much better it tasted I was like, 'Well, yeah -- I'll buy a juicer! That's fine. As long as I get to have this delicious drink that comes along with it, sure!'"

    blog_edit1.jpg
    "Life gave me lemon trees in my backyard so I could make awesome vodka drinks.
    Also, my dog pees like a girl."



    Burn it Off.
    "I always need to move about the house while I'm working. I can't just sit in one place. I stop and play with my dogs or go on Twitter. Also, playing my drums helps with my writer's block. My neighbors don't seem to understand that. They just want me to shut up. They're so not supportive."



    Fueled by gummy pandas, Jenny bangs out her writer's block.


    Check back on papermag.com to see more BE READY moments with The Sartorialist, Johnny Wujek and Chris Benz!

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    Here's your boyfriend Paul Rudd telling David Letterman about trying to break up a fight between two drag queens while wearing his Anchorman 2 costume.


    In honor of Festivus, here's a supercut of Seinfeld characters airing their grievances. [Uproxx]

    W5XY.jpgAlthough it's been said many times, many ways, Merry Shitscram to you. [Mlkshsk]

    W5Q8.gifPaul McCartney, who could probably buy Barclays Center, went to a Nets game on Monday night and was REALLY excited about trying to catch a free t-shirt from the t-shirt gun. His wife is like, "oh wow, you won! Oh. Never mind. Loser." [GIF via Mlkshk]

    tumblr_mxwqvnxwzW1qzmowao1_1280.jpgMuch "cool teacher." Very aww. Such awesome. [FYeahDementia]

    tumblr_mxsvbuMfAr1qe0wclo1_500.jpgSounds delicious. [TheClearlyDope]


    tumblr_mxyjfircix1qewacoo1_500.jpgMind. Blown. [TastefullyOffensive]







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    It's a Christmas miracle! Here's a new "Happy Holidays Edition" of Zach Galifianakis' Between Two Ferns starring Tobey McGuire, "Mrs." Samuel Jackson and Arcade Fire. Awkward Galifianakis joke highlight: "You know what my favorite sandwich is to get at my deli?" Snakes on a plain bagel."

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    Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 2.00.38 PM.png

    1, 2, 3, 4: Anything That Moves: Renegade Chefs, Fearless Eaters, and the Making of a New American Food Culture by Dana Goodyear. $21 at Amazon; Coi: Stories and Recipes by Daniel Patterson. $35.50 at Amazon; Pok Pok: Food and Stories from the Streets, Homes, and Roadside Restaurants of Thailand by Andy Ricker. $22 at Amazon; The Art of Simple Food II: Recipes, Flavor and Inspiration from the New Kitchen Garden by Alice Waters. $22.50 at Amazon.
    Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 2.07.23 PM.png
    5. Tonic 04, pharaoh's heirloom lemon matured white wine vinegar by Noble. $27.95 at mikuni.myshopify.com

    askinosie-duo.jpg6, 7: Chocolate bars by Askinosie. Dark milk chocolate collaBARation $9, limited-edition gingerbread $13, at askinosie.com.

    jacobsonsalt_foodie_call.jpg8. Pinot Noir Flake Salt by Jacobsen Salt Co. $11.95 at Jacobsensalt.com


    Fall-Triofoodieguide.jpg9. Trio of syrups by Morris Kitchen. $35 at Amazon

    Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 4.28.50 PM.png10, 11. Carrot Citrus and Sweet Beet horseradishes by The Gefilteria. $6.50 each at gefilteria.com

    Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 4.31.21 PM.png12. Heirloom vegetable seeds by Shed. $25 per box at HealdsburgShed.com

    katzoil_foodiecall.jpg13. December's new organic oil by KATZ. $24 at katzfarm.com


    candycane_foodiecall.jpg14. Large candy cane by Papabubble. $8 at Papabubble, 380 Broome Street, New York.

    littledickensfoodie.jpg15. Chocolate-kissed blend by Bellocq Tea Atelier. Tea $33, Strainer $15 at bellocq.com

    healthadefoodie.jpg16. Cayenne cleanse kombucha by Health-Ade. $50 per case (12 units) at health-ade.com

    betteroffspreadfoodie.jpg17. Dark chocolate and rosemary organic peanut butter by Better Off Spread.  $15 at bybrooklyn.com

    public_apricot.jpg18. Royal blenheim apricot jam by Bi-Rite Public Label. $8.99 at biritemarket.com

    sarabethsfoodie.jpg19. Not just peachy sriracha jam by The Jam Stand. $10 at thej.am

    ranchogordo_foodie.jpg20. Heirloom beans by Rancho Gordo. $5.95 at ranchogordo.com or $27.95 for sampler at Amazon

    farmboxfoodie.jpg21. Farmstead goat milk caramels by Big Picture Farm. Farm box $17.99
    at Amazon

    SEE ALL OUR 2013 GIFT GUIDES HERE


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    Our resident mascot, fashion addict and sparkle queen, Mr. Mickey, has an eye for style. From bold, cruelty-free accessories to all sequined everything, his holiday wish list is full of fabulousness. Here he rounds up his top 10 holiday picks. 

    Screen-shot-2013-12-17-at-11.02.11-AM.jpgRed K + S necklace. $940 via Moda Operandi.
    I'm a sucker for bold accessories. This chunky red number by EK Thongprasert x Natasha Goldenberg will really pop when worn with a navy blue Lacoste polo!


     
    Screen-shot-2013-12-17-at-11.19.12-AM.jpgGiacomo hooded bathrobe by Missoni. $333.00 via Amara.
    If you've ever met me, you know I'm Missoni's bitch. Swapping this luxurious robe's hood for a matching turban is the only way to make it better. Just call me Norma Desmond!

    img_5647_.jpgAshish x Colette sequined shopping bag. $467.91 via Colette.
    Two of my favorites collaborated on this sparkle bag: Ashish, the London-based designer who loves sequins almost more than I do, and Colette, one of the coolest stores in the universe.

    Screen-shot-2013-12-17-at-11.33.13-AM.jpgPink and black tourmaline, pearl, 23k gold and silver ring
    . Price on request via Cecile zu Hohenlohe.
    Inspired by her great-grandomother's jewelry box, including jewels that were melted in a fire at the family schloss in the '60s, aristocratic artist Cecile zu Hohenlohe brings together her family history, high-concept art and precious materials to create magical, thought-provoking pieces that are sparkly AND intellectual.

      

    Screen-shot-2013-12-17-at-11.58.06-AM.jpgJudith Leiber Airstream Camo Clutch. $3995 via Neiman Marcus
    I'm sure you'll be shocked that I love Judith Leiber bags. I mean, come on. They're legendary. I'd usually go for the tomato or Humpty Dumpty, but I'm loving this season's classic camo clutch. Keeping things a little classier!



    Screen-shot-2013-12-17-at-12.00.25-PM.jpgGivenchy sweatshirt with sequined sleeves. Price on request via Ikram.
    You might be thinking that a Givenchy sweatshirt is a bit butch for Mr. Mickey, but this baby is ladies and has sequined sleeves so it's really too good to resist.



    Screen-shot-2013-12-17-at-12.04.20-PM.jpgStella McCartney Falabella backpack. $1390 via Saks Fifth Avenue
    Sometimes being a cruelty-free fashion addict is a struggle, but I can always count on my girl Stella McCartney to serve up super fantabulous bags that are also cruelty-free. This heart-covered backpack is young, kicky and cute -- just the boost of adorableness my wardrobe needs this season.



    Screen-shot-2013-12-17-at-12.19.53-PM.jpgSaucony Jazz Sneaker. $39.99 via Mooshoes.com
    Keeping cruelty-free usually means my feet end up in a ladies plastic rain boot or a funky high tech sneaker, but I'm loving these old school Saucony sneakers. They are super affordable and give me flash backs to junior high school!



    Screen-shot-2013-12-17-at-12.58.12-PM.jpgPeppercotton necklace. $646.81 via Colette.
    Although I lack bow tie tying skills, this necklace makes me feel like I am wearing one without having the embarrassment of needing an intern to help tie it!



    126090.jpgLenox Mickey Mouse figurine. $88.99 via Table and Home.
    My name is Mickey so I do have a warm spot in my heart for Mickey Mouse. This figurine is adorable and will make my friends think of me whenever they look at it.










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    Who cares about bonus tracks? How many times are you going to buy the same songs? Every year, increasingly desperate record companies assemble lavish multi-disc box sets for holiday purchase, throwing together songs you already own with ones you -- or your beloved gift recipient -- never wanted. Out of this year's crop, I can't recommend the $280 new Bob Dylan complete collection (no one needs another copy of Street-Legal), the $150 Nirvana In Utero reissue (nothing's wrong with your old CD), or the $60 Sly Stone Higher box (unless you love mono mixes). Save your money, and buy your loved ones something they'll actually play.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 2.35.37 PM.pngSingle-Disc Stocking Stuffers:


    Who Is William Onyeabor ($12.99 via Amazon), the year's most exciting reissue, is a perfect stocking stuffer. It took years for the elusive Nigerian bandleader, a born-again Christian who has renounced his old music, to authorize this first US release: nine '70s and '80s electro-funk jams in 73 minutes. The new Christmas album by schlock scholar and pub rock mainstay Nick Lowe, Quality Street ($10.00 on Amazon), sprinkles originals like "Christmas at the Airport" and "A Dollar Short of Happy" in with traditional carols.

    912DvLYL9SL._SL1500_.jpgBang for Your Buck:

    The best rock Christmas song, the Waitresses' "Christmas Wrapping," got reissued this year, along with the rest of that new wave outfit's output (the masterfully titled albums Wasn't Tomorrow Wonderful?, I Could Rule the World If I Could Only Get the Parts, and Bruiseology) on the two-disc Just Desserts: The Complete Waitresses ($16.50 at Amazon). You might know the tart "I Know What Boys Like" and the off-kilter "Square Pegs" (theme to the '80s sitcom): even better are the self-mocking hipster caricature "No Guilt" and the spastic rave-up "Bruiseology."

    Completists and cheapskates can agree on the economical new multi-album boxes from rock's most consistent primitives: the Ramones' The Sire Years 1976-1981 ($32.28 at Amazon) collects the booger-flinging bruddahs' first six long-players, the first four of which are essential to any music fan; ZZ Top's Complete Studio Albums 1970-1990 ($34.64 at Amazon) compiles no fewer than 10 carefully remixed albums by the boogie-singing Buddhas.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 2.40.16 PM.pngRock Reads:

    Has rock 'n' roll seen more literate smartasses than Donald Fagen, Morrissey, Questlove, and Richard Hell? Maybe Patti Smith and Bob Dylan, but we already have their memoirs. Fagen's Eminent Hipsters ($13.47 at Amazon) mixes the Steely Dan founder's personal history with appreciations of kitsch geniuses like Henry Mancini and Ike Turner, while Morrissey's morass of an Autobiography ($19.48 at Amazon) amid its petulant obscurity hides bon mots to rival the Smiths singer's '80s lyrics: "Somewhere deep within, my only pleasure was to out-endure people's patience." Written with the New Yorker's Ben Greenman, Roots drummer and pop encyclopedia Questlove's Mo' Meta Blues ($16.63 at Amazon) is a monument of musical obsessiveness. Hell's clear-eyed I Dreamed I Was a Very Clean Tramp ($25.99 at Powell's; $18.92 at Amazon ) counterbalances Smith's lyrical depiction of '70s New York bohemia and the rise of CBGB, whose stage was ruled by these two spiky-haired punk poets.

    Change the Beat: The Celluloid Records Story 1980-1987 ($15.98 at Amazon) gives a sense of Hell's multifarious musical milieu: the two-disc package surrounds his "Destiny Street" with early hip-hop by graffiti artists Fab 5 Freddy and Futura 2000 (the latter backed up by the Clash!) as well as exotic funk by Manu Dibango and deranged blues by Last Exit, all once released on the defunct Paris label.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 2.45.17 PM.png
    Chasing the Bird:


    Thirty years in the offing, Stanley Crouch's Kansas City Lightning: The Rise and Times of Charlie Parker ($17.90 at Amazon ) is less a biography of of the ill-fated bebop prophet than it is a cultural history of black America in the early twentieth century: it even leaves out the second half of Parker's life. While you wait for the sequel, you'd better pick up the newly revised Celebrating Bird: The Triumph of Charlie Parker ($17.95 at Powell's) by Crouch's onetime Village Voice colleague Gary Giddins, who summarizes the alto saxophonist's story while making the case for his eminence among jazz musicians, and artists of any stripe.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 2.46.35 PM.png
    Deck the Halls:


    As the cassette revival continues, your giftee probably needs something on which to unspool her new tapes. Look on eBay for a good deal on tape decks; if your budget's really limited, check out this Walkman-style portable cassette player from Jensen ($10.99 at AmazonBurger Records' The Wiener Dog Comp II: The Ghoulie Tape ($6 at Burger Records) surveys the garage rockers on that West Coast tape label; there's also the new Burger Tribute to Velvet Underground's White Light/White Heat ($6 at Burger Records).

    Which brings us to the one lavish box set on my wish list, the White Light/White Heat 45th Anniversary Super Deluxe Edition ($56.15 at Amazon ), bundling the founding document of noise rock with alternate mixes, unreleased takes, a remastered version of the 1967 Live at the Gymnasium bootleg, and a fancy booklet. It's excessive, but so was the original album, and so was the late Lou Reed.

    SEE ALL OUR 2013 GIFT GUIDES HERE

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    There's only one week left until shiny boxes under the Christmas tree will be ripped open. But it's not too late to remedy delinquent gift purchases with a visit to a liquor store--be it brick and mortar or virtual. Whether you're buying for wannabe home bartenders, locavores or intimidating spirits aficionados, these 8 bottles--and a classy book collection--have you covered.

    granlusso-627x500.png
    Martini & Rossi Gran Lusso
    ($30)

    Áperitif-style cocktails have helped earn vermouth cult status in craft cocktail circles, and although the flurry of newcomers making artisanal versions is impressive, the iconic Italian Martini brand proves it isn't resting on its laurels either. The 150th anniversary limited edition Gran Lusso melds Barbera wine from Piedmont and Trebbiano from Emilia-Romagna with a Moscato must extract and another secret one recreated from a 1904 recipe that's been aging for eight years. Bitter and sweet with hints of lavender and rose, this deep, dark vermouth shines best when served simply over ice with a twist of grapefruit.

    1_5_12_ pavan_4.jpgPavan $30
    Its striking bottle, a swirl of blue, gold and green, is reason enough to reach for Pavan. Luckily, the liqueur inside, from the South of France, is just as easy on the tongue as the packag -- a nod to a 16th-century peacock dance -- is on the eyes. Made from Muscat grapes plucked from the AOC region of Frontignan, with just a hint of aromatic orange blossom, it makes an ideal companion to pears and Perrier in sparkling winter sangria.

    chief-gowanus-gin.jpeg

    Chief Gowanus Gin ($32)

    Imbibers impressed with NY Distilling Company's Dorothy Parker--American Gin and Perry's Tot--Navy Strength Gin will be just as smitten with the Williamsburg distillery's newest baby, Chief Gowanus--New-Netherland Gin. Through an early 19th-century recipe discovered by cocktail historian Dave Wondrich, the Genever-style expression features a brazen distillate of rye sourced from upstate New York, classic juniper and Cluster hops. After a romp in oak whiskey barrels for three months, it emerges soft and mellow with spicy vanilla undertones.



    AvuaCachaca_Prata_LineUp.jpg
    Avuá Prata Cachaça ($35)

    Brazil, the nation that brought us the bossa nova, churrascarias and stunning beaches, is hosting both the 2014 FIFA World Cup and the 2016 Summer Olympics. Along with playing "The Girl from Ipanema" over and over again, there's no better way to conjure Rio de Janeiro's dreamy cityscape than through a summer-inducing caipirinha, made with cachaça -- the country's national spirit -- sugar and lime. One cachaça to try: crisp, subtly floral Avuá Prata. Fork over another $15 for Avuá's aged, more complex sister Amburana.

    crafthouse-cocktails-e1374093716123.jpg

    Crafthouse Cocktails ($20)

    Proving that pre-made tipples can actually be satisfying are Crafthouse Cocktails. Dreamed up by acclaimed Chicago bartender Charles Joly, the all-natural prepared drinks are available in three variations -- the refreshing gin and lime hybrid the Southside, Tequila classic the Paloma with from-scratch grapefruit soda and vodka favorite the Moscow Mule with organic ginger. Serve the latter in an authentic copper mug, and it might fool guests into thinking it was just prepared in the kitchen. 

    file_13_11.jpg

    Tequila Ocho 2012 Reposado El Refugio ($50)

    Some Tequilas are just too exquisite to down via the few gulps of an everyday pre-taco margarita. One of those best enjoyed by sipping is Tequila Ocho's 2012 single-estate El Refugio, a reposado (there are also plata and añejo versions) crafted in the highlands of Jalisco, Mexico. Earthy, with citrus notes and a touch of cinnamon spice, it's a smooth reminder that just like wine, a spirit can embrace its own distinct terroir. 

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 4.50.28 PM.png
    Nikka Coffey Grain Whisky ($70)

    The burgeoning category of Japanese-made whisky means an opportunity to bestow a Scotch lover with an unpredictable alternative. One fine intro is the Nikka Coffey Grain Whisky -- distilled mostly from corn in a Coffey still -- that is at once rich and sweet with tropical fruit notes that pave the way for a lingering citrus finish. anchordistilling.com


    151175.jpg
    Lock Stock & Barrel Rye ($115-$119)

    Brown spirits-loving high-rollers will be nothing short of euphoric over unwrapping an old-timey black glass bottle of Lock, Stock & Barrel. The luxe, limited-run whiskey is double distilled from 100 percent rye and aged for 13 years in newly charred American oak barrels. Like a lush single malt, it shouldn't be squandered away in a cocktail, but relished neat over a sizable, crystalline ice cube.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 4.54.20 PM.png
    Stocking Stuffer: Schiller's Liquor Bar Cocktail Collection: Classic Cocktails, Artisanal Updates, Seasonal Drinks, Bartender's Guide ($20)

    It's been a decade since Keith McNally flung open the doors of his white subway tile-clad brasserie Schiller's Liquor Bar. At this Lower East Side institution, the sexy pewter bar -- which helped upgrade downtown drinking culture -- remains a local favorite. It makes sense, then, that to commemorate the 10th anniversary McNally has unveiled a box set of four slim booze volumes through Clarkson Potter -- Classic Cocktails, Artisanal Updates, Seasonal Drinks, and The Bartender's Guide. Naturally, each is as engagingly minimalist as the restaurant.








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    Recently, Michael K. Williams put on some leather pants and went on VH1's Best Week Ever -- which we were very surprised to find out still existed -- to peddle Chalky White's Children's Book Collection for all those Boardwalk Empire fans under the age of nine. Just in time for Christmas, you can get your paws on such tales as The Stumbly Wumbly Whore and Williams' favorite, Who Did Daddy Whack Today? but we doubt you'll have such, uh, gravitas as Williams when you read these terrifying books to your kids. His improvisational sound effects at the 0:44 mark are near perfection. Can we get a GIF of that pleeze? Thank you.

    [VH1 via HuffPo Comedy]



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    Sometimes walking around in head-to-toe Supreme just isn't enough. To keep the irie trill vibes alive in the living room this holiday season, here are some streetwear-inspired home décor goodies. Your home deserves to be a hypebeast, too.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.43.34 PM.png
    1. Black Marble Throw Blanket. $95 via Safe House USA
    Can't afford a new marble countertop this holiday season? A marble blanket should do.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.45.12 PM.png2. Kaweco Sport Rollerball Pen. $28 via Supreme
    For the skater who insists on writing thank you notes.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.46.43 PM.png3. The Gold Label LP Pillow. $38 via Obey
    You can't wear that Obey T-shirt everyday, but you can show your streetwear allegiance to anyone who comes through the crib.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.47.38 PM.png4. Karl Zahn Dunk Lamp. $425 via VFiles
    I love lamp.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.49.40 PM.png5. Gala Pyramid Mid Cushion. $150 via Opening Ceremony
    Space is IN.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.50.17 PM.png6. Stussy Welcome Matt. $75 via Stussy
    Show everyone who walks by just how much you love graffiti.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.51.06 PM.png7. Stuffed Historical Figure Pillows. $42 via American Two Shot
    Biggie.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.52.20 PM.png8. The Good Company x Yung Jake Ceramic Double Cup. $55 via The Good Company
    Forget that red Solo cup. Real men drink the double cup.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.53.34 PM.png9. Neighborhood Booze Bull C-Incense Chamber. $200 via Supply
    The badass way to store your incense.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 3.55.06 PM.png10. Fuck It Bar Towel. $10 via Huf
    Nothing says streetwear chic like the phrase 'fuck it' on an American flag


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    As Paper's resident Broadway baby, everyone is always asking me what shows their friends and family who are in town for the holidays should see. There is no theater recommendation that leaves me stumped: "Is there anything you'd suggest for my little sister's boyfriend's cousin who has a David Blaine obsession?" Neil Patrick Harris' off-Broadway magic show Nothing to Hide, duh. Here are twelve other suggestions for your loved ones during this holiday season. Enjoy!

    After Midnight 


    after-articleLarge.jpg
    Tickets to this show will make almost everyone on your list happy but especially your cousin from Iowa who is obsessed with So You Think You Can Dance. Several of the cast members in the show - -a dance-heavy trip through Duke Ellington's days at Harlem's famed Cotton Club -- were featured in the reality TV dance competition. As a bonus reality show-related thrill, American Idol winner Fantasia is also starring in the show through February 9th. Click here for tickets.

    A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder

    1.167513.jpg 

    This show, about a young British lad who finds out he's eighth in line to be Earl and plots to take down every comically horrible heir in his way (all played by the amazing Jefferson Mays), will be perfect for your NPR-loving aunt and uncle in town from San Francisco. Click here for tickets.  

    Beautiful

    Screen Shot 2013-10-04 at 4_58_37 PM.jpg 

    Your baby boomer parents will appreciate tickets to see this brand new musical about Carole King's early career as a song writer with her ex-husband Gerry Goffin. Starring the soon-to-be full-fledged Broadway diva Jessie Mueller, the early buzz is that it's one of the better jukebox musicals to open in years. Click here for tickets. 

    Bad Jews

    image.JPG
    This hit off-Broadway show is closing December 29th but it would be the perfect pre-holiday outing for all your friends who have crazy relatives -- which is, of course, everyone. You'll also get a live preview of the new guy on Girls, Michael Zegen, before the hit HBO show's third season starts in January. Click here for tickets.

    Kinky Boots

    TONYS-kinky-blog480.jpg
    Featuring a drag queen in fierce red boots played by the Tony-winning Billy Porter and music by the Legendary with a capital "L" Cyndi Lauper, this is the perfect show for your best friend who is usually too busy hosting club nights at the Standard or Marquee to see a Broadway show. Click here for tickets. 

    Richard III / Twelfth Night

     b99145300z.1_20131122115801_000_gkl3i9h9.1-0.jpg
    These productions played in repertory starring the Tony-winning Mark Rylance as the conniving King is just like they did it in Billy Shakes' day (all-male casts, Globe-style stadium seating) making it the perfect choice for your godparents who let you stay at their Upper West Side apartment in their doorman building while they're wintering in Florida. Click here for tickets.  

    Waiting for Godot / No Man's Land

    tn-500_godot2.jpg
    Your Buzzfeed and Twitter addicted friends who have been following Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen's blog-friendly bromance will love seeing them star in the repertory productions of these classic Beckett and Pinter plays. Just make sure they know that there's no tweeting during the show! Click here for tickets.  

    Pippin

    o-PIPPIN-CIRCUS-facebook.jpg 
    Diane Paulus' Tony-winning circus-infused production of Stephen Schwartz's trippy 1970s musical is delightful, especially when experienced by a true theater fan. It's perfect for your beloved high school choir director or drama teacher's annual trip to NYC with his beard. Click here for tickets.  

    Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella

    1.163879.jpg
     
    Your new boyfriend/girlfriend's niece is coming to visit New York with his/her judgmental sister, but two tickets to this magical, musical fairy tale starring Santino Fontana and Laura Osnes will get her on your side real quick.  Click here for tickets. 
     
    First Date


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    It may seem cliche, but a holiday date night seeing this under-appreciated, clever musical about a couple on a blind date is a jolly good time. Plus it stars Zachary Levi, the hot nerd from Chuck. Click here for tickets. 

    The Commons of Pensacola

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    This Off-Broadway play by actress Amanda Peet, about the wife of a jailed financier and her shamed daughter, played by Blythe Danner and Sarah Jessica Parker, respectively would be a nice treat for your younger cousin who, high on Sex and City re-runs, decided to pick up and move to New York and pursue a career in fashion PR. Click here for tickets.

    La Soiree

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    Is your good friend getting married on NYE and you're stuck planning her bachelorette over the holidays? This sexy circus spectacular that features a shirtless bathtub acrobat will be a great start or end (they have showtimes at 7pm or 10pm on Saturday) to the night. Click here for tickets.  






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    Let it be known that we have a particular distaste for writing year-end music lists, but we love to read them! Here are our picks for the top 10 year-end music lists of 2013, ranked in descending order...

    10) The Onion AV Club


    Fall Out Boy and Paramore landed on this list. AV Club is the new TRL?

    No. 1: Yeezus by Kanye West
    Where Yeezus charted: SEE ABOVE

    9) Time magazine

    If you're reading Time magazine's Top 10 albums of 2013, it's probably because someone's great-grandpa left it in your seat-back pocket on a Southwest Airlines flight.

    No. 1: Yeezus by Kanye West
    Where Yeezus charted: SEE ABOVE

    8) Rolling Stone

    This list's top 10 includes John Fogerty's new LP, where he covers his own songs with Kid Rock and Foo Fighters. Rolling Stone should start publishing on an ancient weather beaten scroll.

    No. 1: Modern Vampires of the City by Vampire Weekend
    Where Yeezus charted: No. 2

    7) Pitchfork

    Pitchfork, the champion of cutting-edge avant garde artists, has the same top two as Rolling Stone, which is Bob Seger's favorite magazine. Major fail. Totally stale.  

    No. 1: Modern Vampires of the City by Vampire Weekend
    Where Yeezus charted: No. 2

    6) NME

    If you said, "For $1 million, what's NME No. 1 album of 2013?" I would say, "Did Blur or Oasis put out an album this year?" And you'd say, "No." Then I'd say, "Arctic Monkeys." And you'd have to pay me a million bucks.

    No. 1: AM by Arctic Monkeys
    Where Yeezus charted: No. 2

    5) Vibe

    Vibe scores points for including Ciara, PAPER's September cover girl, on their list.

    No. 1: Nothing Was the Same by Drake
    Where Yeezus charted: No. 3

    4) NPR

    They snubbed David Sedaris' Let's Talk About Diabetes With Owls audiobook!

    No. 1: Albums aren't ranked
    Where Yeezus charted: It's on the list.

    3) SPIN

    I was expecting My Bloody Valentine to chart higher in this '90s relic, but they landed at No. 39.

    No. 1: Yeezus by Kanye West
    Where Yeezus charted: SEE ABOVE

    2) Stereogum

    Yes, Stereogum's comments section is the third-worst burning wasteland of hatred (behind Brooklyn Vegan and Gothamist, respectively), but they show love to the right artists on their list.

    No. 1: Yeezus by Kanye West
    Where Yeezus charted: SEE ABOVE

    1) Metro New York

    I picked up a copy of this free NYC newspaper, distributed in subway stations, on my seat on the M train a couple days ago. I glanced at it and thought, THIS IS THE PERFECT 2013 LIST. It includes Kanye, Vampire Weekend, Lorde, Miley, and most importantly, Beyonce, in their top 5. What else do you need?

    No. 1: Yeezus by Kanye West
    Where Yeezus charted: SEE ABOVE







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    It's not peak gallery season here in New York City, but there are still some openings this week and also there's one last chance to catch several good shows before everybody shuts down for the holidays.  If you haven't been, check out the Martin Creed show at Hauser & Wirth and also at Gavin Brown's enterprise, both are up until December 21st. The big survey of works by New York-based artist Tony Feher is still on view at the Bronx Museum, and he also has a show of new works at Sikkema Jenkins & Co that's up until January 18.  And don't forget the big Afrofuturist exhibition "The Shadows Took Shape" at the Studio Museum in Harlem and MoMA PS1's gigantic Mike Kelley survey that will be out in Long Island City until February 2.

    1524698_10151871138389503_1065076910_n.jpgAs far as this week's openings go, there is big group show called "A Massive Swelling" opening on Friday, December 20th, 6 p.m., at Muddguts in Williamsburg.  Works by over 40 artists will be on view including Swoon, Leo Fitzpatrick, Will Boone, Todd James, Jen Shear, Nick Atkins, Barry McGee, MQUE, Stephen Powers and Paul Wackers. And, to top it all off, there's a "special musical performance" at 8 p.m.   

    0nbqppJ0dmPaRSWi-sWBBM_1SnMk7N9mPBTdL9-0HAk.jpgIf you're in a naughty mood, be sure to check out Abby Lloyd's installation "The Yule Lord's Workshop" opening on December 19th, 6 to 8 p.m., at 83 Bowery on the second floor.  Pick up some coal (and maybe a good spanking) and next year, try to be a little nicer.

    565x565x1.jpgOn December 20th and 21st, 47 Canal Gallery is presenting a special performance piece by Xavier Cha called "Fruit Machine 2" at the New Museum.  It's an experimental game show that the New York artist describes as "mechanized synesthesia." Tickets are available HERE.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 2.58.54 PM.pngLeila Heller Gallery opens their second annual young collectors exhibition on December 19th from 6 to 8 p.m. with works by the legendary graffiti artist LA2.   It's up until January 8th.

    Space 776 opens their Winter Salon group show with works by 22 artists on December 19, 6 to 8 p.m.

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    Grey Area opened a holiday pop-up shop called Fort Grey featuring works from over 50 artists.  It is open now thru Friday, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. and Saturday to Monday, from noon to 6 p.m.                      








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    Though 2013 was unquestionably a pretty chill year for viral videos, but for every half-funny song about foxes that got 300 million views, there were tons of other hidden gems on YouTube, Vine or Instagram video that weren't watched by nearly as many eyeballs as they deserved. Without further ado, here are 2013's Top 10 Most Criminally Underappreciated Videos.



    10. "You're Correct Horse"

    A horse. A sax. Shades. A horse playing the sax, wearing shades!  A horse playing the sax, wearing shades, telling you that you -- you, and only you -- are correct! You were right the whole time! You should believe in yourself a little more sometimes, you know? Funny points deducted for spelling "you" wrong at the end, but horses aren't the best with grammar, so we're willing to let it go.



    9. Adam Driver's Tea-Bagging Tips
    Adam Driver's never seemed more beguiling than in this bedroom clip where he gives us a valuable piece of advice concerning head-to-scrotum sex acts.



    8. "Pickwick Dancing Granny"

    This lady is so on-trend with her orthopedic-sneakers and bucket hat, it's ridiculous. The fact that she dances like Julian Assange at a rave and can do more push-ups/dry humps than we can makes her officially the coolest.



    7. "Teddy Bear the Porcupine's Halloween Feast"
    Teddy Bear the porcupine's been around for a minute, and we guess you can't expect everyone to freak out every time his caretakers at the Texas-based Zooniversity upload a video of him greedily and busily chowing down on corn on the cob, but, actually you can. You can and should expect the Internet to explode whenever there's a new Teddy Bear video, because Teddy Bear is a national Internet treasure. He should join the hallowed ranks of every dog saying I love you, every cat giving a high five, every adorable child doing something hilarious in a back seat. He is a prince. Also, back the F up off Ted when he's eating a tiny pumpkin. He will definitely cut a bitch.



    6. "Baboon Grabs Female TV Reporter's Breasts And Smiles Like Creepy Molester"
    Baboons are scary as fuck and this really could have gone awry, but there's something so hilarious and fascinating about the fact that he shakes hands with her first, then goes in for the boob grab. Basically, every OKCupid date we've ever been on. Badump bump.



    5. "Booty In the Air"

    Since we discovered this clip back in April, we've probably watched it at least a dozen times and still don't know what the hell is going on. Produced by a web comedy crew called "Dormtainment," this video features two shirtless dudes, three chains, and one sexagenarian in a blue blazer. From the lollipop in the front-and-center guy's mouth to the lady asking "Am I done?" at the end, "Booty In the Air" is honestly better than any performance art piece we came across at MoMA/Art Basel/MOCA/LACMA/Frieze etc. etc. in 2013.


    4. "Cats Are Assholes! (Compilation)"
    This video was taken down by its original creator and re-posted by a kindly Vine user, so who knows what the original view tally would have been, but holy shit, this is my favorite video of the year year. From the cat pushing his cat friend down a ladder -- followed by a cartoon crashing sound -- to the toilet paper-roll destroying kitties, it's clear: Cats are stone cold thugs.



    3. "tyler new bowl cut"
    Short. Sweet. Let's not re-invent the wheel when it comes to announcements about your new bowl cut, you know? Tyler gets it.



    2. "Where's Her Parents?"

    This girl is just so silly and cute it's bananas. She's the perfect fizzy chaser to the dry reporter with shellacked hair and a red, lace-up shirt. There are a few clips of this visual treat floating around the web but our favorite version -- a Vine -- includes a weary-sounding woman wearing a sweatshirt asking three immortal words, "Where's her parents?"



    1. "Rahm Emanuel Dancing to Blurred Lines at the Taste of Chicago"

    Where to begin. There are so many things right about this video. For starters, the fact that Rahm Emanuel, the current Mayor of our nation's third-largest city and President Obama's former Chief of Staff, appears to be completely alone -- no security detail, no staff, no entourage -- and hanging out at a Robin Thicke concert at the culinary festival equivalent of a Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives marathon is magical. And then the fact that he gets so moved by Thicke's pervy, white boy R&B lyrics that he just can't help but dance --no, air hump -- against a chair in front of him before taking off his tie and wearing goddamn sunglasses practically gives us heart palpitations. There's just something so sexy about watching this clip of a silver-haired, foul-mouthed, ex-ballerino-turned-politician with missing fingers having a little "me time."

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    Conan O'Brien went to the American Girl Store in L.A. and the results are amazing.  [TastefullyOffensive]


    Here's a tender, tearful little clip from last night's Daily Show, in which Jon Stewart surprised parting correspondent John Oliver with a retrospective of his time on the show. Carlos Danger 4-ever. [Uproxx]



    If Hollywood directors directed Christmas morning. Werner Herzog is our favorite. [TastefullyOffensive]

    W7Y9.jpgVery Yuletide. So Seasons Greetings. Wow. [Mlkshk]



    The cast of Anchorman 2 fought Jon Stewart on the Daily Show the other night and it was perfection.

    W7HW.jpg
    "Where did it all go wrong?" -- Poodle horse. [Mlkshk]

    W7FD.jpgCat parent of the year. [Mlkshk]


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    IMG_1313-2.jpgA decade ago, Clinton Street was a very different place. Wylie Dufresne was busy introducing a nascent crush of gastronomes to the theatrics of molecular cooking at wd~50, tapas was relished at 1492 and oenophiles got their flight fix at Punch & Judy. The edgy street was perfect for Melissa O'Donnell to open Salt Bar, the more low-key spin-off of her now-shuttered Soho restaurant Salt. Like the neighborhood, O'Donnell thought it was time for a change and now Salt Bar has paved the way for Thelma on Clinton, specializing in New American small plates. Here the New York-bred chef talks about food fetishists, restaurant reality checks and an era when lighting up Camels indoors was welcome.

    The Lower East Side is wildly different from when you first arrived, right?
    When I opened you could still smoke at bars. They were building wd~50 at the same time.

    What drew you to the neighborhood?
    I was just wandering around when I saw the space. I saw the 'For Rent' sign and little windows with bars and the reason I liked it was because it felt like it could be a speakeasy. When I first went down to the Lower East Side it felt like its own other city, totally undeveloped. It still has that feel, and I think being so far east preserves Clinton Street from rapid gentrification. Then again, Ivan Ramen is opening.

    Why have you stayed?
    The block I'm on in particular is great. It's one of the prettiest in the neighborhood, with trees and a quaint feel. It's very community-oriented and everyone is friendly. Clinton Street is special, and that's why we put it in the name of the restaurant.

    Do you live on the Lower East Side?
    I actually live in the West Village, but wish I lived closer to Thelma because I feel like the Village has gotten overrun. But I have a wood-burning fireplace, so it's going to be hard to get rid of me.

    What made you decide to rechristen Salt Bar as Thelma on Clinton, which you named after your grandmother?
    Without the restaurant--Salt closed in 2011--the bar didn't make sense. I had been in the same space for so long and thought I needed something different, more food centric. The dining area is cozier, cleaner, lighter and warmer with new wood floors, upholstered booths and white brick walls. It's an evolved version of Salt Bar really. The personality of a place after 10 years it is what it is, but when you're staying in the same space you have to do new things. I just needed to do something that better reflected my approach to food. I'm inspired for more, but I think I kept the best elements.

    What can we expect from the menu?
    I brought the risotto back, and this season's incarnation is caramelized onion. I got a smoker and I'm looking forward to using it, to making duck breast and house-kippered salmon. I put an exhaust system in, too.

    The cocktail craze has changed so much since you first arrived. Will the drink menu reveal that?
    The cocktails have also evolved, but like the food they are not overly complicated. I'm very much a purist when it comes to food and drink; I don't like it when it becomes too overwrought. We are using all fresh, cold-pressed juices and making our own infusions. We will be doing five classics and five specialties, like the Five Points with Thai basil, reposado Tequila and an absinthe-soaked sugar cube on the rocks. We're also serving all-natural wines picked by Bill Fitch of Vinegar Hill House in Dumbo.

    Why all natural?
    What you put into your body matters. I'm not a health nut in any way but I think good quality is important and I like the idea of purer and simpler. It's what we do at Thelma on Clinton. Natural wines are also more interesting.

    Did you always know you wanted to be a chef?
    I wanted to be a social worker. I went to college in Texas and when I came back I was waiting tables at the Peninsula hotel while working at Covenant House. I grew up with food as an integral part of my childhood; we went out to eat all the time and every special occasion was marked by a meal. In retrospect it's not surprising I fell in love with cooking and that I want to have a place that makes people feel at home.

    What were you doing before Salt?
    I've had a downtown cooking career. Right before I opened Salt I was at Le Zoo--the old Spotted Pig space. Before that, in the late '90s, I was down on Avenue B and 12th cooking. There were drug busts right in the middle of service. It was interesting.

    Where do you like to eat when you're not in your own kitchen?

    I thought I was going to go out all the time when we were renovating, because I've been working 12 years straight without taking a break. But I just didn't. Upstate, on First Avenue, is a cute little place with great oysters. The other restaurant I like in the East Village is Calliope. The food is amazing and I'm happy they are doing well. I love the rabbit kidney special.

    Along with the Lower East Side, food culture in NYC has dramatically changed since you first started cooking. What happened?
    People have gotten fetishistic about food. TV makes it all seem like one big party, but you have to really love what you are doing. Every time you have to unclog the toilet or something starts leaking you realize it's not all that glamorous. But people have become more knowledgeable about food. My feelings about it are pretty straightforward and simple: use good, uncomplicated ingredients.What I eat adds to my quality of life and I think diners understand that more and more. When you have a good meal you are nourishing yourself physically and emotionally.

    Thelma on Clinton, 29A Clinton St., 212-979-8471



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    We at PAPER love to keep track of the junk in celebrity trunks so you don't have to. While 2012 may have been the year of the bulge, 2013 was the year of politicians and celebrities alike feeling the power of the dick pic, whether intentionally or accidentally. We've been keeping a list and checking it twice and now, for your edification, we present the top ten dick pics of 2013.

    First, the runners up:

    Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 6.10.16 PM.png12. Geraldo Rivera: There's no peen in this picture, which is why the talk show host-cum-Fox News contributor couldn't be considered for the official list, but his nearly nude twitter selfie cost him a job and caused the entire Internet -- us included -- to barf in our mouths for a day. Rivera has a great body for a 70-year-old and kudos to him for keeping healthy, but still -- not what we want to see first thing on a Monday morning.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 6.10.36 PM.png[Photo via TMZ]

    11. Justin Bieber: Remember when the Biebs decided to pull a very, very bizarre prank wherein he took off all his clothes, slung his guitar on, and went downstairs to serenade his grandmother in the nude? He may not have been showing off his wang, but given all his crazy/sexxxy exploits lately, we wouldn't be surprised if a slew of Bieber dick pics were to hit the internet very, very soon. In the meantime, these will have to do.

    And now onto the real thing:

    andrewzollnersfw.jpg10. Andrew Zollner: A pole vaulter at the University of Illinois who's represented the US in the Olympics, Andrew Zollner's leaked nudes are mostly notable for the, uh, impressive size of his pole. NSFW version here.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 4.45.37 PM.png

    9. Sisqo: If you've ever wanted to see the "Thong Song" guy out of his thong, 2013 was your year. The shots show an alleged Sisqo (whose tattoos match up) in and out of his underwear, shakin that thang like who's da ish. NSFW version here.

    scott-evans-sfw.jpg8. Scott Evans: The younger brother of Chris Evans, Scott Evans barely registered with us when we first heard of him though we soon learned that the hunky actor has been on Law and Order, One Life to Live and White Collar. Apparently the man also loves to take fully naked selfies with an iPad! Click for NSFW image.

    sfwrichardbarnes.jpg
    7. Richard Barnes: Unfortunately, Richard Barnes' dick pics were a mishap and a mishap that could happen to just about anyone. The ex-Deputy Mayor of London -- who, by the way, is gay -- didn't realize that his iPhone was automatically posting the naughty pictures he took directly to Facebook. We hope that that never happens to us, but hey, it's good to have a daddy type on the list! Click for NSFW image.

    lilromeosfw.jpg
    6. Lil Romeo: We must admit that we feel a little creepy putting the 24-year-old Lil Romeo in this roundup because we still sort of think of him as a kid. But the rapper/actor/USC basketball player -- who now goes by Romeo Miller -- did indeed take some full frontal shots with his iPhone and he's definitely looking all grown up. Click for NSFW image.
    Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 5.44.47 PM.png
    5. Diplo: Who the hell knows what happened with Diplo's dick pic? It's far and away the weirdest, least sexy picture on this list. While partying in Rome, the mega-producer tweeted out a picture of his junk while seated on a toilet and pissing, with the caption "Here's a pic of my dick It's blurry tho." He then went on to Tweet about his girth and length but later denied that any of it was actually him. We want to believe him, but we've also partied hard in Rome and well...anything is possible. Click for NSFW image.

    methodmansfw.jpg
    4. Method Man: The Wu-Tang Clan rapper allegedly took a few dirty shots in front of a mirror for a lady friend and apparently the telling sign of their authenticity is that, like Sisqo's pic, the tattoos match up almost perfectly with his real ones. No worries though, Method Man! At least you're pretty, er, high up on our list. Click for NSFW image.

    joshhutchersonsfw.jpg
    3. Josh Hutcherson: Okay, so this one is also a liiittle suspect. According to various sources around the interwebs, Hutcherson used to frequent an online hook-up site under the name "Connor," posting dick pics and videos and everything else you can think of. There's no knowing whether this is true -- all anyone has to go by are pretty closely matching tattoos and Hutcherson has never commented on it -- but it certainly makes watching The Hunger Games that much more interesting. Click for NSFW image.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 5.30.36 PM.png
    2. Cheyenne Jackson: Hunky and previously-wholesome Broadway actor Cheyenne Jackson has being going off the rails a bit lately, breaking up with his longtime husband, getting a slew of tattoos and allegedly dating a much younger man. The absolute height of his bad streak is probably his masturbation video, which Fleshbot got a hold of a few months ago and is very, very NSFW. Screenshot, above. Click for NSFW image.

    Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 5.36.46 PM.png

    1. Anthony Weiner: We all know Anthony Weiner's long, troubled history with sexting and we've all seen his wiener in droves. While we hate to draw any more publicity to the narcissistic ex-mayoral candidate's inability to stop sending crotch shots to ladies who aren't his wife, Weiner dominated the dick pic dialogue in 2013. So it's with a heavy heart that we crown Carlos Danger the #1 dick with a dick pic of 2013. Click for NSFW image.



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    Something tells me that we made this our oldie-but-goodie video just before Christmas last year.  No, that was Whitney Houston's version of "Do You Hear What I Hear." Whatever. For your special 2013 holiday treat, we bring you -- straight out of Hollis Queens -- the one, the only, the incredible Run-D.M.C. and their classic hit "Christmas in Hollis." Originally released in 1987, the track still gets massive airplay when the holidays roll around. What would expect from a song that samples everything from "Jingle Bells" to "Frosty the Snowman"?  



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    Had your fair share of Christmas music these past few weeks? Cleanse your pallet with the smoldering, industrial-esque new single "I Shouldn't Be Alive" from bad ass L.A. performance art pop chanteuse, Actually Huizenga, and her band, Actually. It calls to mind smoke machines, lingerie and motorcycles and we're absolutely obsessed. The track, which Huizenga describes as "angelic hardcore," accompanies her' new "Viking Angel" music video movie slated for January. Even better, Mz. H is making the song available for download now through Christmas via Soundcloud -- making it the perfect little sultry tune to listen to on repeat during your decidedly unsexy holiday travels.

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