A Guide to Kim Kardashian's Criminally Underfaved Tweets

The other night, my buddy and I were making each other laugh trying to think of the most innocuous single words Kim Kardashian could tweet out and still get one thousand favs. Things like "soil" and "yeast" were high on the list, and even though she'd probably never tweet them, they're weirdly not that far from the truth of what a Kim K Twitter experience is like in 2015. Kim has 36 million Twitter followers, and the bigger that audience gets, the less important the actual message of her tweet becomes to its baseline engagement.

And by now, Kim's follower base is not only comprised fans or enthusiasts but also entire sub-ecosystems of people ingesting her tweets: bots, brands, media outlets, trolls. She could tweet the word "cardboard," and within seconds it'd be inundated with replies begging her to come to Brazil, promoting juice cleanses, and asking her to follow back. When the culture is never not discussing the Kardashians, you don't need specific tweets as conversation-starters -- the conversation never stopped.

But for Kim 1.0, that wasn't the case. (Actually, Kim 1.0 would still be "civilian Kim" so this is really more like Kim 2.0 or Kim 2S.) In 2009, when Twitter was still fairly small, Kim only had a couple seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians under her belt and was tweeting out the kind of personal, grade-A gold she knows well enough to charge us for now. Essentially, she'd tweet about everything we love her for -- but no one was listening yet.

This means that there are tweets deep in Kim's annals that have fewer than 20 favs, you guys. And even more that have fewer than 50. That's right, way back in her archives are some dusty, piping hot tweets that the stans haven't gotten to yet, and they're just as loyal to the Kim brand as any contouring tutorial or app update. They were just way ahead of their time. I've arranged them here by different Kim-trait themes for your enjoyment:

Such a nerd and a homebody:

Retainer in, PJs and face mask on.

Retainer in, PJ's on, face mask on...time for an early bed!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 21, 2009

Catching up on Tivo.

What's everyone doing tonight? I think I'm gonna stay in! Catch up on Tivo! I'm a nerd, I know!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 8, 2009

Kim Loves Television

Kim loves Forensic Files/Intervention/Hoarders.

Ok watching Forensic Files, then Intervention then Obsessed about Hoarders! My night is complete! Night guys! Tweet Dreams, say your prayers

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 11, 2009

Kim loves Maury.

Watching paternity tests on Maury! So scandalous!!!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 25, 2009

Kim Loves Games

Kim is the world's greatest Scattergories player.

I'm the worlds greatest Scattegories player of all time!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) December 22, 2009

...And the world's greatest Taboo player.

And now I think I am the worlds greatest Taboo player! LOL I love games love to beat people! I get so competitive

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) December 22, 2009

Kim Loves Movies

Avatar in 3D, baby!

Avatar! Can't wait! Have u guys seen it? I heard its amazing! Walking in now! 3D baby!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) December 26, 2009

Kim loves P.S. I Love You.

P.S. I Love You... I'm watching this now & it makes my cry every time! Sometimes u just need a good cry

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 20, 2009

Kim Loves Celebrities

Kim saw Star Jones in a Mercedes.

Just saw Star Jones driving! Drop top Mercedes pretty fab!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) October 21, 2009

And Darryl Hannah!

Daryll Hannah was on my flight to NYC! I love the movie Splash

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) April 4, 2009

Kim Loves Technology

Using her new SideKick.

Using my new sidekick lx right now! Th

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) May 15, 2009

Using a Flip Cam.

OMG just got a flip cam! #Obsessed

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) November 5, 2010

Using a BlackBerry.

I seriously love my tmobile blackberry! My service always works no matter what country I'm in!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) December 29, 2009

Kim Loves Vacation

Feeding baby monkeys!

just saw baby monkey's running around! We are gonna go feed them!!!!! They said they are friendly!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 14, 2009

Kim Loves Her Twitter Fam

Morning, Twit fam!

Morning twit fam!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) October 7, 2009

And this last one's just for me, but I'd like to invite everyone to imagine this scene: SEPHORA PROPOSAL.

OMG I'm at Sephora and a guy just proposed to his girlfriend right in front of me! So sweet! I wish them all the best!!!

-- Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) February 15, 2010

You're at your local Sephora beauty supply store. Maybe it's in the mall, maybe it's on a street corner near your office. You have that mascara you're here for in your hand, and are toying with the idea of dropping ten more bucks than you'd prefer on a nice-seeming lotion when, out of the corner of your eye, you see a man drop to one knee.

"Oh my god," you think. "Is he... proposing in this Sephora beauty supply store?"
 
You pivot to watch, but keep it lowkey. You pretend to read the label of your lotion.
 
You see the tears in his eyes, hear his voice catch as he says, "I love you, Amanda. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He's definitely proposing.

How sweet. Does anyone else see that this is happening? You scan the store to get a read, and... oh my god. Is that Kim Kardashian at the register?
 
Holy fuck, it is her. She's paying for her Mario Badescu drying lotion with a Black Card. She pulls a rhinestone-covered T-Mobile Sidekick out of her bag and flips the screen open.
 
"This is so cool," you hear her say to the cashier. "I'm gonna tweet about this."