Channel: Paper RSS Feed
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 7783

A Guide to Kim Kardashian's Criminally Underfaved Tweets

The other night, my buddy and I were making each other laugh trying to think of the most innocuous single words Kim Kardashian could tweet out and still get one thousand favs. Things like "soil" and "yeast" were high on the list, and even though she'd probably never tweet them, they're weirdly not that far from the truth of what a Kim K Twitter experience is like in 2015. Kim has 36 million Twitter followers, and the bigger that audience gets, the less important the actual message of her tweet becomes to its baseline engagement.

And by now, Kim's follower base is not only comprised fans or enthusiasts but also entire sub-ecosystems of people ingesting her tweets: bots, brands, media outlets, trolls. She could tweet the word "cardboard," and within seconds it'd be inundated with replies begging her to come to Brazil, promoting juice cleanses, and asking her to follow back. When the culture is never not discussing the Kardashians, you don't need specific tweets as conversation-starters -- the conversation never stopped.

But for Kim 1.0, that wasn't the case. (Actually, Kim 1.0 would still be "civilian Kim" so this is really more like Kim 2.0 or Kim 2S.) In 2009, when Twitter was still fairly small, Kim only had a couple seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians under her belt and was tweeting out the kind of personal, grade-A gold she knows well enough to charge us for now. Essentially, she'd tweet about everything we love her for -- but no one was listening yet.

This means that there are tweets deep in Kim's annals that have fewer than 20 favs, you guys. And even more that have fewer than 50. That's right, way back in her archives are some dusty, piping hot tweets that the stans haven't gotten to yet, and they're just as loyal to the Kim brand as any contouring tutorial or app update. They were just way ahead of their time. I've arranged them here by different Kim-trait themes for your enjoyment:

Such a nerd and a homebody:

Retainer in, PJs and face mask on.

Catching up on Tivo.

Kim Loves Television

Kim loves Forensic Files/Intervention/Hoarders.

Kim loves Maury.

Kim Loves Games

Kim is the world's greatest Scattergories player.

...And the world's greatest Taboo player.

Kim Loves Movies

Avatar in 3D, baby!

Kim loves P.S. I Love You.

Kim Loves Celebrities

Kim saw Star Jones in a Mercedes.

And Darryl Hannah!

Kim Loves Technology

Using her new SideKick.

Using a Flip Cam.

Using a BlackBerry.

Kim Loves Vacation

Feeding baby monkeys!

Kim Loves Her Twitter Fam

Morning, Twit fam!

And this last one's just for me, but I'd like to invite everyone to imagine this scene: SEPHORA PROPOSAL.

You're at your local Sephora beauty supply store. Maybe it's in the mall, maybe it's on a street corner near your office. You have that mascara you're here for in your hand, and are toying with the idea of dropping ten more bucks than you'd prefer on a nice-seeming lotion when, out of the corner of your eye, you see a man drop to one knee.

"Oh my god," you think. "Is he... proposing in this Sephora beauty supply store?"
You pivot to watch, but keep it lowkey. You pretend to read the label of your lotion.
You see the tears in his eyes, hear his voice catch as he says, "I love you, Amanda. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He's definitely proposing.

How sweet. Does anyone else see that this is happening? You scan the store to get a read, and... oh my god. Is that Kim Kardashian at the register?
Holy fuck, it is her. She's paying for her Mario Badescu drying lotion with a Black Card. She pulls a rhinestone-covered T-Mobile Sidekick out of her bag and flips the screen open.
"This is so cool," you hear her say to the cashier. "I'm gonna tweet about this."

Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 7783

Latest Images

Trending Articles

Latest Images