Hot Muscle: A Primer On Celebrity Bodyguards

 
10 . Greg Lenz (Jennifer Lawrence's CURRENT bodyguard)
By now, it appears that Oscar-winning international treasure, Jennifer Lawrence, has a type when it comes to the men guarding her life. Greg Lenz is all that and a case of Natty Lite. I mean, really. He looks like the "nice Frat guy" in your intro to creative writing class.

Ugh.  To make it worse, these are Jennifer's former bodyguards:

Yep.

OK. Thanks, Jen!

 
9. Pascal Duvier (Kim Kardashian's bodyguard)
If you say  "Terrifying German man with a soul bludgeoning glare" into a mirror three times, Pascal Duvier appears behind you yelling "NEIN." That's definitely why Ms. Kimberly Kardashian-West enlisted the hulking European to keep an eye on her and Nori while Yeezy is away on business.

Usually dressed in all black (of course!) Mr. Duvier is not one to fuck with. Though it does seem like Kim's stratospheric fame can be stressful for him (WE SYMPATHIZE).

Pascal gets an A+.
 
He's also a loving father and gentle giant who has no problem cuddling with animals. Swoon.

8. Emma Probert (Kate Middleton's bodyguard)
The Duchess of Cambridge relies on girl power to keep herself and her two royal babies safe. That's why Kate hired Sergeant Emma Probert for her protective services.

Ms. Probert's chic fashion sense also allows her to blend in as just another member of the Princess' stylish entourage.

Don't let the hat fool you, boo.


7. Denise Morrone (Emma Watson's bodyguard)
Ms. Watson hired former NYPD lieutenant, Denise, to channel her Staten Island grit in keeping Emma safe from Harry Potter crazies.

After a stalker broke into the Long Island set of Watson's biblical epic Noah in 2012, Ms. Morrone came onto the scene, and hasn't left Emma's side since.

It pays off, too! Denise reportedly earns $150,000 a year for her services.

 6. Mikey Arana (Justin Bieber's B.G.)
I'm sure it isn't the easiest job to be Justin Bieber's daily protector. Aside from the Biebs' own antics (which I admit have been greatly reformed in the past year), the shrill chorus of tween girls from every corner of the earth, and constant locust swarms of paparazzi must weigh heavy on those in charge of him.

In fact, one of Justin's former babysitter's, Hugo Hesny, got 45 days in jail this year for stealing a paparazzo's camera.

Fortunately, Mikey Arana is super chill about Bieber's mind-numbing celebrity, keeping his client safe on the daily.

Justin seems grateful, too, like in this Insta-video where he plants a kiss on an unfazed Mikey's cheek.

😭😂😂😘😘 @mikeyarana I'm not gay but even if I was that's not an insult

A video posted by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on May 31, 2015 at 3:12pm PDT

Awwwww



5. Peter van der Veen (Lady Gaga's bodyguard)
Not surprisingly, Mother Monster has quite the theatrical team surrounding her every movement. But standing out in the Haus of Gaga is her main, super sexy bodyguard, Peter van der Veen, who looks a lot like Jason Statham

Fun fact: Peter provided background vocals on Gaga's ghoulish track "Government Hooker" from her 2011 album Born This Way. 

It's not all fun and games, though. In Paris this past March, Mr. van der Veen was forced to put an aggressive fan in a chokehold as Gaga exited her hotel. All in a day's work!


4. "J.B." (Kristen Stewart's bodyguard)
There's no doubt Kristen Stewart sought out an impenetrable wall of human to keep the Twihards at a safe distance. That's why her uber-hot bodyguard of more than 3 years, known simply as J.B., is a necessary presence.

Of course, leave it to the ravenous Twilight fans to become fixated on him. There's an active Facebook page devoted to him called "Team H.B.G" (Team Hot Bodyguard) where K-Stew devotees post photos of J.B., and discuss their wish for him to protect her in a very Edward/Bella kind of way.

Christ.

3. Kevin Falk (Nicki Minaj's bodyguard)
First appearing with Nicki Minaj at last year's VMAs, Mr. Falk 's muscular essence was hired to keep the rapper out of harm's way

But if you're gay, and wondering, 'I think I recognize?' you most likely do. Kevin Falk was also a former versatile gay for pay pornstar, mostly in the early 2010s.

Yes, that is true. Nicki, you are truly magnificent.


2. This gorgeous specimen of a human male (one of Rihanna's bodyguards)
While BadGalRiRi faced a defamation of character lawsuit last year from her former head of security, Geoffery Keating, this hunky guard clearly had no qualms with his client, as he carried Ms. Robyn Rihanna Fenty over the snowy streets of New York this past March.

We imagine all Rihanna had to do was look down at the snow, and just say, "Nah," before her bodyguard knew what to do.

You win, unspecified protector of Ri-Ri. Just tell us where R8 is, k?
 

1. Julius De Boer (Former Protector of Queen Beyoncé)
The gorgeous Dutch giant, known as the "Fulltime Executive Protection Officer," was in charge of preserving the splendor of our Empress of Earth, Beyoncé, for almost a decade.

Beginning in 2008, Julius served his queen in a knightly way, often using physical might to overpower those threatening Bey and baby Blue Ivy. Julius was even the one to break up the now legendary elevator fight between Solange Knowles and Jay-Z last year in the Standard Hotel, post-Met Ball.  Unfortunately, his dedication would ultimately be his downfall -- De Boer was fired last year. Many believed the decision came amidst the divorce rumors plaguing Bey + Jay, as Hov was reportedly jealous of Julius and Yoncé's close relationship

TRAGIC. And I....will always....love you, Julius (sorry, I had to). May you protect Bey and Blue in my heart forever.