The Best, Worst and Weirdest of the Week

Greatest Horological Offense: This two-faced monstrosity, because maker Nico Gerard apparently believes that no one should have to face the plight of deciding whether to put on a Swiss timepiece or an Apple Watch in the morning (and also that somebody would be willing to shell out $9.2k+ for this thing). -- Victoria Lin

A photo posted by Marielle Wakim (@marielle.m.n.o.p) on Aug 3, 2015 at 8:03am PDT

Most Ridiculous Clean Eating Product: Whole Foods'"asparagus water," a.k.a. $5.99 bottles of, well, three stalks of asparagus sitting in water. We're not sure what you're supposed to do with it or why anyone would want it -- Whole Foods reps have variously claimed that you're supposed to drink it or that it's "broth," but we're still not sure it isn't just a social experiment to test the gullibility of the health-obsessed millennial consumer -- but someone, somewhere, will probably buy it. -- V.L.



Worst News about One Direction: Not even the release of a new single and the news that former member Zayn Malik is back on the market can make up for this one. Louis Tomlinson confirmed Tuesday on Good Morning America that he is, in fact, going to be a father, breaking the hearts of every one of his 20 million Twitter followers (and ours as well). -- V.L.

Best Magazine Cover (Other Than Ours, Of Course): We present to you, without comment, this image of Idris Elba smoldering at the camera. (On a more serious note, the cover is Maxim's first without a woman -- a big step for the lad mag and an indication of their reinvention under new editor-in-chief Kate Lanphear.) -- V.L.

Worst Friends Alum Project: As part of a public art project called Sing Chicago, the Bean -- an iconic Chicago sculpture perhaps most famous for appearing in this Kanye West music video -- will be voiced by none other than David Schwimmer, who apparently will creepily call your phone and dump a lot of information on you. -- Eric Thurm

Best Surprise Rap Album: After many, many, many years of rumors and scrapped versions of Detox, Dr. Dre has finally released a new album for, of all things, the N.W.A. movie, Straight Outta Compton. It's actually really good, contrary to what you might expect -- maybe the best musical surprise in a while. -- E.T.

Best Surprise Rap Album, Collab Edition: The Chance the Rapper-Lil B mixtape, which is still extremely confusing and awe-inspiring in the way only a religious object can be. Bow down, because the Based God is here. -- E.T.