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Kool A.D. Forecasts Your August Horoscopes

horoscopes copy.jpgTrouble with love? Work problems? Mercury retrograde? Don't worry. Rapper, author of the forthcoming novel O.K. (Sorry House), and expert astrological navigator, Kool A.D. will safely guide you through the coming month.

Get a beer with a Cancer and a Scorpio. Watch Scarface. Sell cocaine. Book a trip to Hawaii. Paint a portrait.

Hook up with a Sagittarius. Drink dark rum. See a 3D movie on acid. Drink a Coca Cola. Ride a horse. Steal a painting.

First off, congrats. Also, read Aime Cesaire's Discourse on Colonialism. Go surfing with an Aquarius. Spend some QT with another Libra. Listen to Arthur Lee records while drinking wine and smoking a doobie.

Exercise is crucial, bro. Go jog or something. Jogging is not a crime. Skateboarding is not a crime. Do an ollie. Do a nollie no- comply into the bowl and shred a bit. Do a mac nugget. I made that trick up, ask Chris Cole. Look at Nyjah Huston videos and emulate that style. Play chess and use the Ruy Lopez opening.

Get some pupusas. Get high off cannabis tincture and listen to Black Sabbath, Motörhead and Thin Lizzy. Set something on fire at some point this month. Buy a bottle of dark rum and place it on ur front door step the night of the full moon.

Spend some time with a Virgo. Read a Haruki Murakami novel. Listen to DJ Mustard: 10 Summers and Meek Mill: Dreamchasers 1, 2 and 3. Listen to Souljah Boy: M & M and that other Souljah Boy that just came out.

No pork this month. This should be easy for all u Muslims and Jews out there. August is a pretty Muslim and Jewish month. Say JAH RASTAFARI next time ur about to hang up the phone. Wear an Oakland A's fitted at some point this month, literally or even just spiritually. Go surfing with a Libra. Oh yeah and congrats.

Finish an old project. Sniff a line of cocaine and a line of heroin. That's called a speedball, it feels crazy right? Watch American Psycho while listening to Yeezus. Find a dog and take it for a walk.

Call up a Gemini to check in. On the full moon, light a Guadalupe candle and a Siete Potencias Africanas candle, take a sip of dark Cuban rum and spit it into a potted plant then tell the plant all of ur dreams this month.

Read the new Ta-Nehisi Coates book. Watch La Danza de Realidad. Listen to Alice Coltrane: Journey in Satchidananda. Smoke hookah. Drink Lapsang Souchong and a mimosa.

Pick a project u already started and finish it. Call an Aries. Listen to A Love Supreme by John Coltrane. Sit in a cedar hot tub if at all possible. Have fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice with tequila and watch The Grand Illusion. Go vegan.

Get a beer with a Scorpio and a Leo. Shoplift a piece of candy then leave it in a church, temple, mosque, synagogue, ashram or other place of worship. Buy or steal a white candle and light it on the full moon. Toss a penny into a body of water. Paint a room or piece of furniture.

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