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Bachelorette Recap #9: Let's All Be Eskimo Brothers

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Screen Shot 2015-07-14 at 6.42.18 PM.pngHello, rose lovers! We start this episode with an eskimo brother coitus confirmation from Shawn. Exciting stuff! Well, not a confirmation, but certainly not a denial -- he and Nick are squabbling like a couple of men who are dating the same women and are trapped in Ireland, and Nick throws Shawn's former brotherly sexcapades in his face as evidence that he's not...here for Kaitlyn? A good guy? I was confused, and these two are annoying me. Also, isn't it just kind of a bragging point if you're the first Eskimo brother in this scenario? Because I'm assuming Shawn did just that to the guys, fairly understandably. Wouldn't bother me, but I'm a "cool girl." Anyway, on to Ben H.!

He and Kaitlyn ride horses on their one-on-one, and I am excited for Ben H. to be the next bachelor. It's not officially confirmed yet, but my Bachelor spidey sense tells me this is basically a done deal. "Ben is a calming presence. I think that the horses felt it and nature felt it," Kaitlyn says, and she's right! Ben H. has some chill vibes going on, and I could actually see him in politics one day -- dude is smooth and provides a good soundbite. If Arnold Schwarzenegger can govern the state of California for eight years (still weird!) Ben H. could get my vote.

They're trying to make it seem like there's a chance he won't go home, so I guess points for trying -- Ben H. is "excited to know more about one another," and you can really tell these people just haven't spent that much time together. They also discuss Ben's age (he turned 26 this year) so you can expect a wide age range of the ladies they select for him, which should be very fun and full of ageism. Anyway, Ben can wear the hell out of a cable knit and they spend the night together. "I feel hopeful I'll wake up in the morning thinking he's the one," Kaitlyn says trying to convince herself, but Ben is destined for his own shot at dating 25 people at once.

Up next is her overnight date with Shawn. They both wear goofy golf outfits, and Kaitlyn makes the best bet I've ever heard: If she wins she gets whatever she wants and if he wins she gets whatever she wants. Autonomy, people! I'm into it. They play truth or dare, so Kaitlyn makes him streak, which is good for everyone -- he has a very nice body, and I'm sure his personal training business will flourish after this show.



At dinner Kaitlyn says the last thing she wants to do is bring up Nick with Shawn, so she does exactly that. Shawn tells her he confronted Nick about being an asshole, and he basically thinks he's a smooth talking creep, to which I wholeheartedly agree. Eskimo brothers comes up again, and I'd love to know how many hits that Urban Dictionary page got after this episode. For the record, my mom wasn't even very shocked at the definition. Eskimo brothers: who cares!



Shawn spends the night, and as he casually saunters through the parking lot with the assurance of a man who had sex, we see Nick creeping in the background. To be fair, when Shawn confronted Nick the first time he basically just yelled at him for a while, and Nick wants the opportunity to do the same. However, he doesn't get it -- I don't know how much protein powder Shawn snorted, but dude is fired up. "If I hear my name come out of your mouth one more time to Kaitlyn it's not going to be pretty" he threatens, before repeatedly telling Nick he just spent all night with Kaitlyn and he's the last person he wants to talk to before kicking him out. "I hope Kaitlyn is as smart as I think she is," Nick says, very wrongly equating her intelligence with choosing him over Shawn. "I'm sick of all this. We all are," he continues, accurately summarizing the audience perception of this tedious bro feud.



Hey, it's Chris Harrison! What's up, buddy? "You know Shawn in particular has been jealous," he says. "A part of you has to wonder is it just here?" Shots fired, Harrison! He came to play, and that is an excellent point. "The Nick thing fascinates me," he says, clearly voicing the main question I have: That guy? Really? Basically, Kaitlyn has a passionate connection with Nick. They like to do the sex to one another. I don't get it but I get it, and she finally mentions Ben. "He's everything on the checklist," she says, but you can hear the reticence in her voice.



Unfortunately for Ben Kaitlyn is looking hot as hell in that red dress with a deep-v J Lo would cosign. She has to leave the room before sending him home, whispering to Harrison that she doesn't want to break down in front of them. She does send Ben home, telling him "you are going to find the best girl in the world and it frustrates me it's not me.""I felt that I showed you who I was...I'd love to be able to share life with you but that's not going to happen, and it's going to be tough" he responds, telling her (accurately) that she looks great tonight before getting in the reject car. I like that Ben is the type of guy to wear his seat belt after getting dumped. That makes sense.

Back to Nick and Shawn, everyone's favorite unbeatable combination. In case you didn't pick up on the fact that they will never send snapchats to one another, we are treated to a pointless scene in which they both drain glasses of champagne and posture to one another without speaking. Next stop: family dates.



First we're off to Utah to hang out with Nick and his gazillion siblings (Utah, remember? You get it), and I have to say that dating anyone with more than three siblings freaks me out. It's just a lot. Nick's been in the final two dudes before, and he stumbles his way to telling Kaitlyn "I don't think it's a big surprise that I'm totally in love with you. So, yeah." Eloquent! "When Nick called me and told me he was going on "The Bachelorette" I was like 'oh, no'" one of his dozen sisters accurately summarizes, and his mother looks like she's going to vomit and is in tears. Have fun, Kaitlyn!  These poor people have to meet another random girl from a reality dating show, so they are understandably hesitant about this experience given how horribly wrong his first shot at love on this franchise went.

Actual sibling count: seven, because #Utah. "I think everyone in my family is very worried about me," Nick says, and that could not come across more strongly. His family might as well be standing outside their house holding pitchforks and a noose. "He's taking the same risk again and hoping for a different outcome," one of his 86 sisters says, which sounds suspiciously like the definition of insanity. Just saying!

However, Kaitlyn does pretty well in her sibling one-on-ones. Nick has one very precocious, charming-ish sister, who point-blank asks Kaitlyn if she loves Nick. "I care about your brother a lot a lot a lot" Kaitlyn responds, really getting onto her level. I want to give Nick's mom a high five for her fun statement necklace and a hug, because this lady is near the edge. "I was very confident and naive last season, and I didn't know that you don't always know what else is going on," Nick tells his mom, and the "what else" in that situation and this one is the girl you're dating falling for someone else. I believe that's also what's happening here; however, Nick doesn't.  "With Kaitlyn I don't think that's what's going on. Not to get too confident, but I do think she loves me. 99% sure." Yikes, Nick. Good luck.

Wait, are Shawn and Nick both from Utah, or has this show resolutely refused to use multiple locations? Anyway, Kaitlyn will be meeting Shawn's two sisters, a very safe number of siblings, and we learn that Kaitlyn has six step sisters and one on her own. Wow! "Sisters are my jam!" she happily tells Shawn, but she should perhaps be more concerned about Shawn's dad. "Is this just in the moment?" he wonders, but Kaitlyn is ready to rumble. She seems generally more happy and excited to be there, but then again she did just meet a small village of Vialls.

Shawn is very close to his two sisters, who grill her fairly heavily, asking her how many serious past relationships she's had (two) and if there is more to their connection than attraction (there is). "I care about him so much. There are so many times when I'm like there's no way he's that good," Kaitlyn tells his sister, before asking her about his trust issues and if he's ready for marriage. "If he loves you I could see him getting engaged before" is her answer, so break out the bubbly.

"The minute you walked into the door I was like there's love in the room," Shawn's sister tells him, but his dad isn't as sold. For some reason, he questions the validity of being able to propose to someone in under two months who has been concurrently been dating multiple men. "Let's start with one real question. What the hell is going on?" he asks Shawn and oh, how I laughed. Indeed, sir. What the hell indeed.

"I've had some pretty tough moments, but I'm able to open up now. I never felt something like this with another girl" Shawn says, but his dad isn't done. "How much time have you really had to get to know her?" he asks, and instead of giving him the real answer (not much) Shawn tells him that Kaitlyn told him he was the one early on, despite her afterwards telling him on multiple occasions she was mistaken to do that. Oh well-- Shawn seems like he mostly tends to hear what he wants to.  

"I'm in love with you and I have been for a while" he tells Kaitlyn, but not before also making it sound like he's going to break up with her. Classic Shawn. "I'm a little disappointed she didn't say she loved me. I feel like she wanted to tell me but she can't," Shawn says and I kind of think he might not realize what show she's on. Of course she can't tell you yet, dummy. Come correct, Shawn. Cut to Kaitlyn crying and being confused about her choice. "I care so much and now people's families care so much...when I think about saying goodbye to the two I have left, I don't know what to do" she says through her tears, but I think she's really beginning to process that she's going to have to be the second woman in two years to dump Nick Viall on national television.

Next week is this reunion show, so this should be a fun one. Poor Jared apparently can't move on with his life, hopefully Kaitlyn can yell at stupid Ian, and we'll have to look at both JJ and Clint again, so steel your stomach. And in two weeks we'll have our conclusion and paradise can start with is great, because this season has been pretty emotionally exhausting.

Until then! 


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