Imagine my utter lack of surprise when the preamble for this episode taunted (insulted? lured?) us with "the confession you've all been waiting for." Yes, a confession! I guess "the moment you've all been waiting for" falls a little flat when you can shame and tease simultaneously. This will be the episode when Kaitlyn tells Shawn she slept with Nick, which we're clearly supposed to conflate with bad behavior, guilt, and shame. Guess what? I do not accept that rose, and neither should anyone else. But, onward and backwards!
We open with Kaitlyn and Ben H.'s one-on-one date, and let's just lay it out there: Ben H. will be going home after these ridiculous, forced, forced fantasy suites and then he will be the next Bachelor. Yes, I have heard rumblings of Josh Murray, the mouthbreather who speaks in SportsCenter sound bites being the one, but I think Ben H. has it. Let's consider: He's handsome, is reasonably articulate (he kind of sounds like he's always giving a toast, but that's better than barely being able to form a compound sentence-- shout out to you, Chris Soules) and made the tactical move of telling Kaitlyn he's afraid no one will ever love him. Classic Bach!
During their date, Kaitlyn is clearly exhausted and frayed. They're somehow still in Killarney, which doesn't exactly have the luck of the Irish (sorry, I'm weak) when it comes to, oh, anything good happening so far. Their date is pretty boring until Kaitlyn tells him "I could be and I am falling in love with you," which is fairly contradictory and a bit of a strange move. Do we think she wants a takeback when Ben H. tells her that his ideal Fantasy Suite evening involves just... talking? "The stigma behind overnights is that you have to be physical, but to me that's not purpose... I want to talk all night." And then Kaitlyn asks him if he's a virgin, which I loved. Listen, Kaitlyn is clearly a sexual person -- AKA the most fun kind of person, so this made me LOL. (For the record, Ben H. is not a virgin but this chaste routine will play well after this sexy-uncomfortable season and Bachelor in Paradise.)
Shawn, Nick, and Joe are up for the group date, and we know it's just a matter of time before my favorite Southern Boxtroll Joe gets the axe. It seems like the main thing to do in Ireland is wander around some pretty green places and get drunk, so I definitely want to visit. Kaitlyn and Shawn make up (for now) and she puts off telling him she "took things too far with Nick." Speak of the squirmy devil -- Kaitlyn again dances around the "hey man it was fun, but keep your mouth shut" routine again and I have to admit, Nick has some lines: "I liked you before I showed up, you're not just the Bachelorette to me. You know how I feel about you," he says, cementing his place in the final two.
Cut to Joe glumly telling Shawn he has lip gloss all over his mug before he takes his last stand and tells Kaitlyn he loves her. "I could totally kiss you for the next 60 years and be the happiest man in the world... I wouldn't say that if i didn't mean it," he tells her, and an image of Old Yeller leaps into my mind. She lets him ramble on for a bit before putting him out of his misery: "I want to be brutally honest with you. When you tell me you're in love with me, it makes me realize we're not on the same page right now," to which Joe reacts... poorly. The dude wasn't lying when he says he can't lie, because his angry retorts ("It's cool, it's been fun, why would I be upset?") fall pitifully flat before he unfortunately spits out, "I'm not saying shit to you" and stalks off.
After sending Joe home, Kaitlyn decides to spend more time with Shawn, whose commitment to only referring to Nick as "the other guy" is both amusing and embarrassing. "Weird stuff is happening with the other men and Kaitlyn," Ben H. sagely puts it as Nick has the audacity to complain about not getting enough time with her to Ben H. and Jared. Everybody drink, because it's time for Kaitlyn to come clean to Shawn. I can't lie: This was good TV. Shit was tense. I get why she felt she needed to do this -- he clearly has trust, jealousy, and potentially anger issues (sweet!), but if they're going to move forward he's got to know.
"I haven't talked to anyone else about this. I don't want you to find out later... I had that one-on-one date with Nick, and we went back to my place, and I feel like it went too far. And it's for me to admit it, but we had sex." We go over a minute before Shawn speaks a full sentence, as sexy-dangerous ballroom music plays. Shawn doesn't know what to think before seeking refuge in some type of magical, understanding, rational advice-giving bathroom, because he emerges to (initially-- we'll get there) take the news as well as he could-ish.
"I don't know what else to say about him because I don't want to make this about him. At the end of the day, I'm here for you and you're the only thing I want out of this. I'm just going to man up and deal with it," he says, which would have been phenomenal if he had followed through on that. Kaitlyn wants to go skip the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony, and the first rose goes straight to Shawn, who has unfortunately had some time out of the magical bathroom to think.
Instead of accepting this very clear signal, Shawn wants to talk again, because he did not receive the proper chance to shame Kaitlyn for liking a guy that he can't stand. "I understand that there are other connections and other relationships... I don't understand why him. You asked me how I felt about him and I told you my honest opinion, and you told me that you thought I was the one, and I don't know why you would do something like that to jeopardize us."
Oh, Shawn. What would the bathroom say, Shawn? Ask yourself that. "I'm here to explore other relationships. Telling you were the one halfway through was a mistake. I had no business doing that," Kaitlyn says before also telling him she wasn't ashamed of herself, which I hope remains true. There seems to be no real consensus here, but they go back in and Shawn accepts his rose, telling us "I can't give up on this girl. I just need to trust her."
Ben and Nick get roses, and we have to say goodbye to Jared. Jared is a good person, probably even a great person -- I believe this. I feel confident that Jared will have a float in an upcoming Rhode Island parade and potentially a signature cocktail or appetizer at his local bar. Jared handles everything like a class act, which he really did all season, offering Kaitlyn his jacket (his jacket!) as she takes him outside to say goodbye. "I hope you find the man of your dreams," he tells her as she sobs, and I take back everything I've ever said about his patchy facial hair. You aight, Jared.
Next up is Nick's fantasy suite date. Listen, I don't like Nick. I didn't like him on Andi's season and I don't like him now, but this is a very debatable hot take, apparently. One person who does like Nick is Kaitlyn -- they always seem to have fun together, he is very considerate of her, and clearly has feelings for her. In fact, I was about to allow an "OK, I kind of get it" regarding Nick until, in a horrifying version of a fireside chat, he tells her he "doesn't respect someone [Shawn] who brags about being Eskimo brothers with Amish country singers because they f**ck the same girl on the same night."
You are probably thinking "Amish country singer?! What is that, I'm so excited!" Well, I cannot express to you how profoundly disappointed I was when I realized he said "famous country singer" and not "Amish country singer." The definition of an Eskimo brother follows its introduction, but you can also consult Urban Dictionary unless you're my mom. See? This why Nick is the worst. That's just so slimy and underhanded and gross. As Kaitlyn put it, "Ew." But, I will say -- that detail is specific enough that it must be true, not that Shawn has to discuss his past sexual relationships. That would be nuts.
"No one has told me any concerns about anyone but you," Kaitlyn shoots back, and Nick backtracks. "I want to be the person you can lean on," he tells her, and this is the moment Kaitlyn realizes she's dealing with two jealous, entitled guys who do not like one another at all. Fun! The rest of the evening goes well, and we see the first ever (I think) morning-after scene, as they lounge on a couch and eat Canadian bacon and eggs, which for me also marks the only time I've seen people actually enjoying and eating food on this show. Nick also reveals he has "mild" allergies to dogs, which of course he does.
Shawn "don't threaten me with a hotel room I can't angrily enter" B. does just that, asking where Nick "Vile's" room is (classic Shawn). "I don't want to be the guy talking behind your back. I care about Kaitlyn a lot, and if she had seen the side we'd all seen you wouldn't be sitting in this chair," Shawn says, before calling him manipulative and arrogant. "You don't know me. I can say the same thing about you," Nick fairly shoots back, and then Shawn calls him an asshole.
Next week, Kaitlyn "can feel the hatred between them" and we'll get the rest of our fantasy suite dates... but not before checking in with Brady and Britt, who both look thrilled at the idea of returning back to their normal lives and not bothering to have to pretend they're dating anymore -- phew. Until next week!