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Bachelorette Recap #6: The #Sexpisode You've Been Waiting For

We Start Right Where We Left Off: The Kaitlyn Bristowe Story continues, and we have to sit through Ian, as Nick puts it, "intentionally questioning her character." Same story different day -- Ian sucks. He proceeds to go out of his way to hurt Kaitlyn while she internally seethes before she gives him what he deserves, telling him "my blood is boiling...you have in no way appreciated the person that I am. I'm really disappointed in how you approached that." As for Ian's exit, I'll let him do his own talking.

"I'm too deep a thinker. I went to Princeton, Deerfield...I'm not lame like the other guys."

"I'm being punished for being an intellectual, they don't teach cheesy movie quotes at Princeton. Seeing how bad Kaitlyn is at being the bachelorette...I'm destined to be the bachelor and destined to find love on this show. Oh man,...I need to have some sex."

Sorry Ian, but it shall be Kaitlyn who is having the sex, for this is our long-awaited #Sexpisode! The foreshadowing as to who will be coitusing with our bachelorette was coming fast and furious last night, as it's Nick who wisely beelines it to a pretty shaken-up Kaitlyn, hightailing his stupid bow tie upstairs for a well-timed makeout. I'd also like to take this moment to say that women can like "dumb movie quotes and poop jokes" and be deep, and then ask that we never again have to talk about the apparently never-ending Dumb and Dumber monologues that are on loop at the mansion.  

Shawn makes his move a couple minutes too late, and we might as well refer to him as Bob the Builder this episode for all his talk of walls coming up and down -- let's hope they're just drywall, because that's a lot of emotional construction. He does have a fair point (again, please remember that I'm a Shawn apologist) since she did tell him she was falling in love with him, but then again he's also on a GROUP DATING SHOW -- none of this should be surprising.

The rose ceremonies have felt besides the point all season, and we say goodbye to Joshua (snitches never win) and Jonathan-- have fun in paradise boys! We get a good, honest, true soundbite from Kaitlyn regarding intimacy ("[It's] an important part of a relationship...this is forever, and part of that is intimacy, and I'm not ashamed of it. If the physical part of the relationship isn't there for me that's a deal-breaker") and with that we're off to Dublin, Ireland.

Chris the dentist definitely had to whiten some producer's teeth to score that sweet "Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" analogy, but the one-on-one date goes to Nick, and Shawn's emotional wall count is definitely in the high teens at this news. Before we grasp our pearls at the idea of Kaitlyn having sex with a guy she's been seeing for only a couple weeks, we get a glimpse of Britt and Brady-- what's the over/under on her immaculately conceiving before After the Final Rose? Anyway, she's introducing him to her mom and wearing a beanie in L.A., where no one knows how to wear hats.

Can I say something mean about Nick? Of course I can! Nick permanently looks like he got caught smelling one of his farts and secretly likes it. Anyway, the day portion of their date goes well and they clearly have a lot of chemistry -- "the physical connection is rock solid," says Nick -- but that's not what we want to talk about. Let's visit the bone zone, shall we?

Their intimate dinner is set in a church because of Irish guilt, and they are feeling it. I think the younger version of John Lithgow is a creep but he's clearly got something going on. "Nick makes me feel like a woman. A desired woman," Kaitlyn gushes which is certainly something someone would wish for after being told that she is surface level and basic -- from a Deerfield and Princeton graduate, no less!

Hats off to the editing for this episode, because cuts of Jared and Shawn debating the merits of putting up plywood vs. plaster emotional walls are interspliced with images of Kaitlyn and Nick heavy petting on her hotel room couch. We learn that Shawn hasn't even deigned to have even one conversation with Nick, which must be pretty hard when you think about it-- dudes be having down time. "I hope they're having a shit time," mutters sweet Jared as the room to Kaitlyn's bedroom shuts.

Nick is the kind of person who whispers "I want to know every part of you" while giving someone the business, so know that. The producers/sound people/editors manage to make everyone feel the kind of creepy you feel when you listen to someone else having sex, and we're treated to some moaning and whispering that made me wish for simpler times, when we were just listening to Joe Millionaire get a slurpy BJ in the bushes. So that's it! She wanted to have sex with someone and so she did it. I, for one, am not shocked.

The next morning as we watch the bees buzz and the birds sing (no, really) and Kaitlyn realizes that sleeping with a guy whose track record on slut-shaming someone on national television is a strong 1-0 could potentially be a bad idea ("I feel like that would ruin everything if he says anything" she intones), and we see her shame-spiraling on the balcony and asking the producers if this has even happened before. "I don't want it to be an issue," she says. "Waking up in the morning I definitely am feeling guilt. I don't feel guilty about the act; it's guilt for caring about other relationships that I have."

Well, that makes sense. Kaitlyn Bristowe, you have a healthy, normal attitude towards sex. That must be very weird for you on this show. In talking with JJ and Joe (who are going on the two-on-one, by the way) Nick can barely contain his glee as he "nonchalantly" tells them she invited him back to his room and it was both casual and intimate. Huge shout-out to Joe, who is really more and more of a sleeper hit as this show goes on, who hits him right back with "the same thing happened to Shawn -- he got to spend some extra time with her too." We later find out from Shawn that they apparently spent "six to seven hours" just sitting up and talking off-camera, at which point she told him he's her guy, which (if true) would explain all the heavy construction going up and down near his femoral arteries.

Off to the group date! After having sex with a man she's dating, Kaitlyn has unfortunately died. That's right! Patti Stanger would be pleased, because sex before monogamy is truly the ultimate sin. No but really, we're off to an Irish wake for Kaitlyn, because this show is all about female power and strength, and all the guys have to express their bereavement over her chastity, I mean life. Ben Z. asks to pay his respects to Kaitlyn alone because his mother died and he's, um, had to do this before. Sensitive! Ben Z. is such a tall, boring drink of water and Kaitlyn calls him a "teddy bear," which no woman has ever truly said of a man she's passionate about.

I've made some jokes about Jared and his destined-to-be-patchy facial hair here before, but he seems like a genuinely nice person. He is the kind of guy who would go out of his way to make someone feel comfortable when they don't know anyone else at the party, and that is a true compliment. "I feel really comfortable with Jared, and it felt really nice to be standing there hugging him," Kaitlyn says.

Shawn B. must have had Mr. Gorbachev tear down his walls, because he uses his time with Kaitlyn to show her pictures of his family, which was smart -- see? People love him. He uses the word 'confident' three times in one sentence, however, Jared still gets the rose. They're off to listen to none other than the Cranberries, and the song they play does (or will) perfectly embody their relationship: "You've got me wrapped around your finger/do you have to let it linger." Poor Jared. He's going to be a limo cryer.

After telling the other guys he loves Kaitlyn, Shawn runs off to his favorite producer, telling him he "trusts him more than anyone else here." Apparently Kaitlyn told him that he's the one and he's disgusted with the idea of her "banging a couple other dudes" in the fantasy suite, just like he would were he the bachelor. "Trust to me is the biggest thing ever," he says. "I'm about to cry right now."

Instead he got produced, because he's off to surprise Kaitlyn in her room. Now, this is a true surprise, because girlfriend took out her extensions and is stuffing food in her mouth when he arrives. By participating on this show in which she is paid to appear Kaitlyn is apparently "ruining it all," and she doesn't know Shawn is just salty about Jared getting a rose not, you know, the other thing. If you thought we'd only get one #sexpisode you've never watched the show, so get ready for lots more tears and regret.

Need a little madonna to your whore? Why, it's Britt and Brady! They just got finished putting away all the shopping carts at their local co-op after their shift, and upon meeting him Britt's mom says that her "friend" seems very nice. Yawn.

Until next week!

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