Welcome back! Since the producers seem committed to this strange narrative structure that has each episode open up with a bunch angry dudes instead of the bachelorette lounging on a balcony and waxing poetic about #trulove, we open with Nick entering the hotel suite to a very hostile crowd-- if you remember, Kaitlyn decided to let him join her merry band of entitleds, and they are pissed.
As the guys all lounge angrily on the same sectional sofa, Nick faces the firing squad and gives them the usual platitudes (he's not here to "cause drama"), and tells them he'd spoken with Kaitlyn before via twitter and text, and wants to see what happens. Tanner, clearly no stranger to US Weekly, drills Nick on hanging out with his ex Andi a couple weeks ago, and wants to know if he's here for his "16th minute of fame." My favorite, however, came from Josh, who had quite the episode. "Is she a cool chick or an amazing woman?" he demands of Nick, because #feminism. "She's both," Nick answers, which, fine.
This sits real poorly with Shawn B., and the news has him stepping back a bit and putting his guard back up. They guys still have to attend a freezing cocktail party at Citi field, which JJ describes as "the grandiose stage that we're on," but perhaps he was speaking metaphorically. When the guys sit down with Kaitlyn they take turns throwing Nick under the bus, first with Tanner then Josh questioning Nick being there for the -- you know this one-- right reasons. However it's former vill JJ who cuts the tension and takes Kaitlyn in his arms to run the bases, which was actually pretty cute. JJ, you are definitely the winner after your Clint break-up.
Shawn B. decides to play his hand by negging Kaitlyn pretty hard, telling her "I would hope that you were smarter...not smarter. I just think... that guy is full of shit. 110%""Do you trust me and my decisions?" Kaitlyn asks him, to which he replies that what she says and what she does don't match up. Kinda fair? At this point I'm going to out myself as a Shawn B. apologist-- the "heart" wants what it wants. At the rose ceremony -- which gave me winter PTSD, by the way -- Nick (of course) gets the last rose, sending home Britt-lover Jonathan, Corey (...) and Ryan, another initial Britt lover who went on to be a fan of skinny neck scarves. Weed 'em out, Kaitlyn!
And with that we're off to find love in San Antonio, because Texas is a mecca for all those women's rights fans out there. BYO Plan B, Kaitlyn! Cute Ben H. gets the first one-on-one, and they enter a two-step competition. They wear some flannel and cowboy boots and makeout in a pickup truck before heading to dinner, at which Ben H. has some...trouble communicating his past relationships at first. "It's not easy to tell you, I think I just...I don't know. This is difficult." However, he eventually comes around: "I like you. And today was great, and I could see these days being something I appreciate and enjoy for a long time with you." Kaitlyn asks if he could be ready for a commitment at 26 (probably not) but his answer mollifies her and Ben H. stays, which is great because he's a charmer with franchise potential written all over him.
Because I guess we're going to make performers out of these guys yet, the group date has them writing and singing mariachi songs for Kaitlyn. Ian is going to "kick ass" because he's "got the muscles and the brain and the heart." For Kaitlyn's part she would love to see Ian's sense of humor "if he has one." Spoiler alert! He does not. I once said that Ian could "get it" and I would like to formally rescind that invitation.
Straight shooter Joe has the best line ("I would like to marry-achi you") and Ian predictably blows it, but it's Nick who wins the date, taking Kaitlyn to the top of the tower to belt out this bit of poetry: "We have such a huge connection, it gives me a huge erection. The guys didn't want me here at all, but for your heart I'm willing to brawl." Shots fired, Nick! This actually lands well with the guys ("it played, more power to him," Tanner reluctantly admits) and Kaitlyn thinks the guys "might be ready to trust my decision to let Nick move in," because hope is a well which never runs dry.
Josh, who calls dance instructor Kaitlyn a "barber," has her give him a haircut and she destroys his hair. Really just butchers it. While Kaitlyn and Nick passionately make out, Josh uses his "guy intuition" to state that all is not well with Nick. Something that is intrinsic to my gender tells me it's not wise to trust Josh's guy intuition but I can't quite put my finger on it... Anyway, you see what I did there.
Josh pulls Kaitlyn away for another chat and JJ is right (I don't like it either) when he says the haircut is "pulling the pin from the grenade" for Josh-- he's about to explode. He again uses his intuition to tell Kaitlyn that no one is comfortable with Nick in the house and that everyone is lying to Kaitlyn's face, which understandably upsets her and her fringed, suede pencil skirt.
Josh lies to the guys by telling them he was in an interview and not talking to Kaitlyn, and I think the sharpest tools Josh has are in his actual, physical toolbox because he does not do well with any type of nuanced discussion. Kaitlyn asks the group point-blank if they're cool with Nick being here. "It's not that we don't care but it doesn't affect the relationships we have," Jared says, and Ben Z. backs this up as well. Do I think they're lying? Mostly, but Josh messed up this fact-finding mission big time. Nick gets the group rose, which was the right call-- she wants him there so deal with it. This episode was edited heavily in Nick's favor, so I'm thinking he's going to stay around for a long while.
Shawn B. gets the second one-on-one, and I must say, I get it. "Shawn is so hot. He's such a babe. I love his voice," Kaitlyn enthuses, and yup, yup, and yup. That Gosling drawl is powerful. He also cautions her against Nick, telling her that Josh is coming from a good place and there were guys who were too afraid to speak up. At dinner Shawn shares the scary story of his very serious car accident, and they profess they're both falling in love with one anoth-- wait, what? Damn! I have never seen a mutual "falling for you" so soon-- but I'm sure it'll be fine, what's the worst that could happen? Anywho, Shawn gets a rose and please wear your seatbelts, folks.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Ian's male privilege is taking a real beating. He was heavily #TeamKaitlyn at the start, and her lack of adulation for his gallant stance is really taking a toll. "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want me...[I'm a] Princeton graduate and former model who has defied death and been around the world a couple times...I would make a great bachelor," he ruminates before telling Nick (!) "I don't find Kaitlyn interesting. I don't think there's something wrong with me, I think there's something wrong with her." He also equates the alamo stand for independence with his decision to wait until the rose ceremony to say mean things to Kaitlyn. Ian, any king who insists he is the king is no king at all.
Kaitlyn makes out with Jared and his unconventional facial hair, and lo and behold, he's also falling in love with her! He, however, does not get a "me too"-- your days are numbered, Jared. She also makes out with Joe while Ian stews outside, and here we go.
Against all of his logic Kaitlyn doesn't seem to want Ian, and he lists all his attributes for being the next bachelor ("I'm an enigma, and who I am is a gift for life") before sitting Kaitlyn down to be a big dick. "I came here expecting to meet the girl who had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules, not the girl that wanted her field plowed" he says, because sadness > sex any day. But, he's not done: "I don't question Nick's intentions, I question your intentions. I see you as a surface-level person." Cut to Kaitlyn looking livid, and we fade out for the "next week on" segment.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have coitus. This will apparently be the sexpisode we've all been alternately waiting for and dreading. The heavy breathing, kissing sounds and balcony crying is back. Hopefully they'll at least give us a glimpse of Britt and Brady adopting elderly animals to temper Kaitlyn's wanton abandonment-- until next week!
As the guys all lounge angrily on the same sectional sofa, Nick faces the firing squad and gives them the usual platitudes (he's not here to "cause drama"), and tells them he'd spoken with Kaitlyn before via twitter and text, and wants to see what happens. Tanner, clearly no stranger to US Weekly, drills Nick on hanging out with his ex Andi a couple weeks ago, and wants to know if he's here for his "16th minute of fame." My favorite, however, came from Josh, who had quite the episode. "Is she a cool chick or an amazing woman?" he demands of Nick, because #feminism. "She's both," Nick answers, which, fine.
This sits real poorly with Shawn B., and the news has him stepping back a bit and putting his guard back up. They guys still have to attend a freezing cocktail party at Citi field, which JJ describes as "the grandiose stage that we're on," but perhaps he was speaking metaphorically. When the guys sit down with Kaitlyn they take turns throwing Nick under the bus, first with Tanner then Josh questioning Nick being there for the -- you know this one-- right reasons. However it's former vill JJ who cuts the tension and takes Kaitlyn in his arms to run the bases, which was actually pretty cute. JJ, you are definitely the winner after your Clint break-up.
Shawn B. decides to play his hand by negging Kaitlyn pretty hard, telling her "I would hope that you were smarter...not smarter. I just think... that guy is full of shit. 110%""Do you trust me and my decisions?" Kaitlyn asks him, to which he replies that what she says and what she does don't match up. Kinda fair? At this point I'm going to out myself as a Shawn B. apologist-- the "heart" wants what it wants. At the rose ceremony -- which gave me winter PTSD, by the way -- Nick (of course) gets the last rose, sending home Britt-lover Jonathan, Corey (...) and Ryan, another initial Britt lover who went on to be a fan of skinny neck scarves. Weed 'em out, Kaitlyn!
And with that we're off to find love in San Antonio, because Texas is a mecca for all those women's rights fans out there. BYO Plan B, Kaitlyn! Cute Ben H. gets the first one-on-one, and they enter a two-step competition. They wear some flannel and cowboy boots and makeout in a pickup truck before heading to dinner, at which Ben H. has some...trouble communicating his past relationships at first. "It's not easy to tell you, I think I just...I don't know. This is difficult." However, he eventually comes around: "I like you. And today was great, and I could see these days being something I appreciate and enjoy for a long time with you." Kaitlyn asks if he could be ready for a commitment at 26 (probably not) but his answer mollifies her and Ben H. stays, which is great because he's a charmer with franchise potential written all over him.
Because I guess we're going to make performers out of these guys yet, the group date has them writing and singing mariachi songs for Kaitlyn. Ian is going to "kick ass" because he's "got the muscles and the brain and the heart." For Kaitlyn's part she would love to see Ian's sense of humor "if he has one." Spoiler alert! He does not. I once said that Ian could "get it" and I would like to formally rescind that invitation.
Straight shooter Joe has the best line ("I would like to marry-achi you") and Ian predictably blows it, but it's Nick who wins the date, taking Kaitlyn to the top of the tower to belt out this bit of poetry: "We have such a huge connection, it gives me a huge erection. The guys didn't want me here at all, but for your heart I'm willing to brawl." Shots fired, Nick! This actually lands well with the guys ("it played, more power to him," Tanner reluctantly admits) and Kaitlyn thinks the guys "might be ready to trust my decision to let Nick move in," because hope is a well which never runs dry.
Josh, who calls dance instructor Kaitlyn a "barber," has her give him a haircut and she destroys his hair. Really just butchers it. While Kaitlyn and Nick passionately make out, Josh uses his "guy intuition" to state that all is not well with Nick. Something that is intrinsic to my gender tells me it's not wise to trust Josh's guy intuition but I can't quite put my finger on it... Anyway, you see what I did there.
Josh pulls Kaitlyn away for another chat and JJ is right (I don't like it either) when he says the haircut is "pulling the pin from the grenade" for Josh-- he's about to explode. He again uses his intuition to tell Kaitlyn that no one is comfortable with Nick in the house and that everyone is lying to Kaitlyn's face, which understandably upsets her and her fringed, suede pencil skirt.
Josh lies to the guys by telling them he was in an interview and not talking to Kaitlyn, and I think the sharpest tools Josh has are in his actual, physical toolbox because he does not do well with any type of nuanced discussion. Kaitlyn asks the group point-blank if they're cool with Nick being here. "It's not that we don't care but it doesn't affect the relationships we have," Jared says, and Ben Z. backs this up as well. Do I think they're lying? Mostly, but Josh messed up this fact-finding mission big time. Nick gets the group rose, which was the right call-- she wants him there so deal with it. This episode was edited heavily in Nick's favor, so I'm thinking he's going to stay around for a long while.
Shawn B. gets the second one-on-one, and I must say, I get it. "Shawn is so hot. He's such a babe. I love his voice," Kaitlyn enthuses, and yup, yup, and yup. That Gosling drawl is powerful. He also cautions her against Nick, telling her that Josh is coming from a good place and there were guys who were too afraid to speak up. At dinner Shawn shares the scary story of his very serious car accident, and they profess they're both falling in love with one anoth-- wait, what? Damn! I have never seen a mutual "falling for you" so soon-- but I'm sure it'll be fine, what's the worst that could happen? Anywho, Shawn gets a rose and please wear your seatbelts, folks.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Ian's male privilege is taking a real beating. He was heavily #TeamKaitlyn at the start, and her lack of adulation for his gallant stance is really taking a toll. "I don't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want me...[I'm a] Princeton graduate and former model who has defied death and been around the world a couple times...I would make a great bachelor," he ruminates before telling Nick (!) "I don't find Kaitlyn interesting. I don't think there's something wrong with me, I think there's something wrong with her." He also equates the alamo stand for independence with his decision to wait until the rose ceremony to say mean things to Kaitlyn. Ian, any king who insists he is the king is no king at all.
Kaitlyn makes out with Jared and his unconventional facial hair, and lo and behold, he's also falling in love with her! He, however, does not get a "me too"-- your days are numbered, Jared. She also makes out with Joe while Ian stews outside, and here we go.
Against all of his logic Kaitlyn doesn't seem to want Ian, and he lists all his attributes for being the next bachelor ("I'm an enigma, and who I am is a gift for life") before sitting Kaitlyn down to be a big dick. "I came here expecting to meet the girl who had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules, not the girl that wanted her field plowed" he says, because sadness > sex any day. But, he's not done: "I don't question Nick's intentions, I question your intentions. I see you as a surface-level person." Cut to Kaitlyn looking livid, and we fade out for the "next week on" segment.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have coitus. This will apparently be the sexpisode we've all been alternately waiting for and dreading. The heavy breathing, kissing sounds and balcony crying is back. Hopefully they'll at least give us a glimpse of Britt and Brady adopting elderly animals to temper Kaitlyn's wanton abandonment-- until next week!