GIF by Austin Moore
The latest season of Orange is the New Black is upon us, which means it's time to sort out the garden roses from the weeds. Here's a non-comprehensive power ranking of some of the show's current main-players from least to most powerful, along with vague predictions for season 3.
10. Alex Vause: Vause struck a deal in the beginning of Season 2, screwing over Piper and enabling her to get out of jail on probation. But hiding from a drug lord in Queens is its own kind of prison, am I right? The shit cherry on the cake is, thanks to Piper's uncanny ability to exact justice on pretty much everyone, Vause will be behind bars once more in Season 3. She had the most to lose this season, and she did.
Season 3 prediction: No more I Love You's for Alex and Piper.
9. Vee: Let's assume Vee is still alive -- because If TV has taught me anything, it's that a dead-presenting person is never out of the game just because they got blasted by a van. So, Vee: she blew her power load in Season 2, causing a mutiny. When she learned the OG squad had reunited despite her attempts to destroy them, she threatened that she'd find a new family. Squad was like, "Yeah you will, because you're insane, but it won't be us." Here's where Vee loses her power: instead of cultivating a new cult, she ran. If she had any power left to give, she would've stayed and manipulated some extras into doing her bidding, not fled. Then there's the fact that she's possibly not alive -- the anti-power position.
Season 3 prediction: Vee returns to prison a childless mother. Or dead.
8. Pennsatucky: In Season 2, Pennsatucky lost her goof troop, gained Mr. Healy, lost Mr. Healy, and gained an unlikely friendship with Boo. While Pennsatucky has proven more resilient than a feral cat, Boo is the least trustworthy ally she could have. Will Boo sell her out as is her way, or will the two do the gay agenda proud?
Season 3 prediction: Some sort of musical number that earns the disapproval of Mr. Healy. Don't ask me why, I just feel it.
7. Crazy Eyes: Poor Crazy. Every relationship she invests in turns to dust. Suzanne can't be too low in the power hierarchy, because she's capable of handing out some memorable ass kickings and everyone is sort of endeared to her. No one wants Crazy to be punished for being crazy. But she's the only prisoner who might not bounce back from Vee's evil-doing. She already had a brush with maximum security prison, and one more violent outburst might send her there for good.
Season 3 prediction: Crazy Tears.
6. Sophia Burset: Sophia was criminally low-key last season, but she still holds a ton of power as the resident cosmetologist. The person with access to scissors and bleach is a person you don't want to cross.
Season 3 prediction: Sophia's got beef brewing in the kitchen, so we'll be seeing more of her this season.
5. Gloria Mendoza: If you don't know who Gloria is off-hand, exactly. That's part of her power. She's the silent engine behind Spanish Harlem, running the kitchen and casting Santeria spells in her spare time. Do we think it's a coincidence that Gloria helped Norma voodoo-ize Vee mere hours before she got struck down by Rosa?
Season 3 prediction: That beef Sophia's got brewing? Gloria's serving it. Pray for their souls.
4. Poussey: MY GIRL. Poussey had a rough time last season :( But her scrappy self proved she could make it on her own, barely. Now that her team is behind her again, Poussey is untouchable, and unlikely to find herself in the line of fire. Who would mess with Poussey? She is a German-speaking, book-reading goddess.
Season 3 prediction: A well-deserved girlfriend, please! (More of a request, but whatever.)
3. Daya: Daya got Pornstache arrested, and while she's too moral to get high on that, the prison is a safer place because of it. She's also got a baby on the way with a sexy guard who just got promoted. She's got no enemies, she's smart, her mom is close by... she's really living her best prison life. Sure, she's made some mistakes, but she's mostly hell-bent on doing the right thing. In prison, this would normally be a weakness, but it hasn't caught up to her yet.
Season 3 prediction: A baby named Frank.
2. Rosa: Miss Rosa escaped from prison and left us on a joyful note -- Blue Oyster Cult blaring on the radio, a flashback to her bank-robbing days, a maybe-dead Vee on the side of the road. Sure, cancer's probably caught up to her already, but what a way to go.
Season 3 prediction: A shrine in remembrance of Rosa's final good deed.
1. Piper: It's an unfortunate cliche that the show's main character is also the most powerful, but there it is. Piper flexed some serious power moves this season: she became the prison's fourth estate, destroyed Fig, canceled all those prison transfers, ordered a flaming bag of shit to Polly's doorstep, and most impressive, got her ex-finance to assist in her ex-girlfriend's arrest and eventual return to jail. She got more done from prison than I've done all year. Vague season 3 prediction: This winning streak has to end sometime, right?