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Bachelorette Episode 4: A Villain Returns


First of all, shoutout to Kaitlyn for her go-to accessory for this season, a Tammy Taylor-worthy goblet of white wine. With this in hand she sits Clint down at the fireplace to send him home, accurately calling him "one of the biggest douches in bachelor history." Clint must see the writing on the wall, because he immediately reverts back to the subplot he created, his "bromance" with JJ, which is as tiresome as it was last week.

Kaitlyn is left to justify his rude, bad behavior towards her by telling him "I really, really, really like you but I'm done. I don't trust you." The boomerang effect of the horrible premise of the show ensures that she can never really be in control here -- she'll always be playing catch-up, and it still feels like she's chasing the guys around trying to prove herself, some of whom wish she wasn't even there. Just a reminder a bad thing was done here.

Back at the ranch, JJ pulls a Benedict Arnold and calls Clint out for taking up "emotional energy" when Kaitlyn sends him home, solidifying his place as the resident jerk in the house. We have to suffer through a bit more of their breakup as they talk way too closely and call one another pieces of sh*t, and then Clint infers that JJ's tie does not match his shirt. Dramatic stuff!

Kaitlyn decides to forego the rose ceremony tonight, since she's already had to kick two dudes out pre-ceremony (Kupah, Clint) and Tony and Brady took themselves out of the running. Plus, I'm pretty sure she was fairly hammered.

With that, we're off the New York City! Don't know if you heard, but as Kaitlyn said it's the "home of hip-hop," so Doug E. Fresh comes along to offer some assistance on the group date, where the bros will rap battle. The guys get to choose who to battle and Corey wisely chooses JJ, because "he's the easiest target by far," and why wouldn't the investment banker take on the former investment banker? What can I say? They are all awful except for Justin, one of the personal trainers, who is up against Shawn, the Ryan Gosling look-alike. "Remind me how The Notebook ends? That's right, she forgot you." Shots fired! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a solid diss. Justin, this is the most notable thing you'll do all season and there is honor in that. Oh, and JJ managed to call all the women in the audience "ho's."

Who's that in the audience? Why, it's Nick Viall, the hipster villain and runner-up from Andi's season who told a live audience they had slept together in the fantasy suite, then threw it in her face when she didn't pick him. Nick is a controversial character -- I think he looks like a young John Lithgow and has a preternatural sneaky and smarmy expression that drives me up the wall, but he's clearly got some swag. Kaitlyn is gleeful over his arrival -- apparently they stuck up a conversation over social media and have "never met before" but I call BS. Not only have they met, but I think they "know" one another -- biblically of course. Methinks they met and slept together before her season aired, because they have crazy chemistry and that takes care of her "I did sleep with him" teaser and subsequent shame spiral from the season trailer.

"Are you going to stay? Is it my call?" she desperately asks him, breaking my heart all over again because of course it is. Congratulations, producers. You have broken Kaitlyn. She pretends to agonize over this decision in both a stairwell and a broom closet, and it's obvious she's going to keep him despite the other men being there for a month already, so let's get this over with.

She breaks the news at the cocktail party, which goes down like a glass of cold sick. "Are you not confident in what's here?" Shawn asks and Tanner calls Nick out for "being the one who put Andi on blast for hooking up in the fantasy suite with both guys. It was totally distasteful... you don't kiss and tell." Which is true, of course, but this show is pretty much devoted to kissing and telling and his sentiments feel downright controversial and  out of place in a season which kicked off with 25 men deciding who will make a better potential wife for them based on one night.

Nick and Kaitlyn make out pretty seamlessly on the dock for never having met before, and Kaitlyn gives Justin (he off The Notebook diss) a rose after he tells her to do what she wants, causing Tanner to deem it "the most pointless rose in Bachelor history." The guys inform the larger group that Kaitlyn is deciding whether or not to let Nick stay, and it's clear that JJ is going to have figure out a new way to get some screen time, because there's a new villain that's gotta vill.

Kaitlyn allows crazy Ashley S. from Chris's season to come near her face with a curling iron, and she sagely diagnoses Kaitlyn with "just lust" regarding Nick. "It's important to have another connection, like a friendship" says the woman who confused a pomegranate with an onion on her season, proving that we all truly contain multitudes.

Despite being potentially dickmatized by Nick V., Kaitlyn heads off to what looks like a seriously baller date inside the empty Met with Jared, who has a surprising amount of game for a man who can only grow patchy facial hair. I can't stop myself from saying that this date occurred in the nick of time for Jared, who showed some support and confidence by telling her that she should "do whatever [you] want to do, and I know it sounds corny, but we'll all get through it" regarding the Nick situation. I'm predicting his declaration of love to come in around two episodes. Jared gets a rose and enjoys the first helicopter ride of the season over the skyline.

The second group dates puts the guys through a Broadway audition to play the Aladdin to Kaitlyn's Jasmine, and Chris the dentist gets the honor to appear in the actual play as extras. They share a smooch next to the New Year's Eve ball, and he receives a rose. We end with Nick solemnly taking the elevator to where he'll be greeted by twelve angry men, and the episode ends yet again with another "cliffhanger"-- but not before we cut to Brady and Britt frolicking around in the surf wearing the same outfit! Britt has been Brady and only Brady's girlfriend for nearly a month now, making the Madonna/whore circle complete.

Until next week! 

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