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The Bachelorette Episode 2: Thank God for Amy Schumer

1432606160000_us_abc_320.jpgHello! I hope this recap finds you discussing hookups over spa water, just like Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn. "If I'm feeling it I'm going to go for it," she tells Harrison at the beginning of the episode, which is clearly foreshadowing all of the confirmed coitus we've been promised. The fact that this season seems to be one big lead up to a single woman sleeping with and subsequently being shamed by the guys she's dating is a good troll, however. Point to you, ABC.

Back at the mansion, the grown men are all super-excited to be sharing bunk beds. We immediately identify all the traitors who chose Britt (Jonathan, Kupah, Tony) and speak of the angel! Cut to Britt looking Pac Sun-d out on the phone with her mother. She is very, very understandably upset, and it's pretty cruel that they chauffeured her away without letting her say goodbye to anyone. Hark, what's that? A knock at the door in the form of Brady, Britt's own personal knight in shining amour. These two seem a couple episodes away from sharing their hopes and dreams with one another in minute-long segments every other episode, so good luck to them.

They always make the men physically compete with one another on group dates, and this time they're just straight-up punching one another in the face on a group boxing match with Laila Ali. What's the worst that could happen?! Daniel has a look of wild terror in his eyes, as if he just realized what he's doing with his life. Naturally, he fights the most muscular guy (Ben Z.) first and when he loses self-deprecatingly spits out some pretty depressing gender stereotypes in a monotone ("What's in those gloves, teacups?") so I don't really know what's up with Daniel. In a David vs. Goliath match Jared takes on Ben Z., who outweighs him by 55 pounds and gives him a hospital visit after hitting him in the head.

Later, mid-group date, a note arrives demanding Kaitlyn meet someone at the bottom of a very long, dark staircase. Naturally she goes and lying in wait is concussed Jared. His head trauma earns him a makeout but the first date rose goes to Ben Z., who is the perfect combination of boring and hot for this show. If he sticks to his gentle giant routine, I could see franchise potential in Ben.

The first date goes to Clint because he gave Kaitlyn a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops, which is extremely sound logic. They're treated to an underwater photo shoot which Kaitlyn says are "all the rage" but are they? Does anyone know anyone who does this? I want to hear all about them and what else they enjoy. Giselle the conceptual underwater photographer makes them do some spiritual BS before they take some truly awful pictures, because they are underwater. Clint gets a rose.

Cut to Tony the healer with the mysterious black eye who's preaching poolside. "The foundation I want to establish my forever on does not start with me beating your ass," he's seen saying to a bemused Corey regarding the boxing date. "Love is selfless and love is given, it's not something you fight for. Love is as perennial as the grass." Tony acts like being one of the many guys who go on group dates is some type of personal invocation from Kaitlyn, and is excited to be able to question her on why she might be right for him.

Feeling icky? Don't worry, Amy Schumer is here to MC the comedy club date, and I'll let Joshua the industrial welder take it away: "We're talking about an excellent comedian here. She's dirty and funny as hell." She's also brought along Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein, and Bridget Everett to help a dude get a joke.

JJ is "supremely confident" about this group date, and nothing says "I will not be funny" like a former investment banker. Case in point, JJ's first joke:

"What do you call a bull that's sleeping?"

"Bull dozer"

JJ has a hilarious conversation with Amy. It's truly amazing to watch someone be so confidently unaware. His pickup line is "Hi, I'm JJ. Divorced with a kid and I live with my parents" WHICH IS TRUE. And you know what? That's fine-ish! Life happens! What's not fine is that JJ fundamentally doesn't understand that this would not be the most compelling thing for a lady to hear. He also tells Amy to "wait a sec" which makes me wish he'd had to fight Ben Z.

Amy has a great summarization of JJ and the majority of people who go on this show: "JJ is a sweetheart. He's just missing charisma, humility and sense of humour."

At the cocktail party Tony commits a cardinal sin in the Book of Bachelorette and lets everyone know he doesn't understand the concept of reciprocity.

"I'm recognizing in her that she has what it takes to maintain the relationship I'm looking for. I'm not here for her. I'm here for us. My heart means just as much to me as her love means to me." Mic drop! "I'm not here for her?" Wash your mouth out, Tony.

JJ would put $50,000 on getting the rose tonight, and unfortunately that happens. JJ sucks. Know who doesn't? Joe from Kentucky! He drops some sincere southern charm after drawling "Well, I'll be" after his makeout with Kaitlyn, putting him on the good list.

Kupah self-immolates by telling Kaitlyn he didn't ever really feel a connection with her and infers that she only kept him around because of his ethnicity. He then proceeds to tear her down to the guys within earshot, and she attempts to send him home. He somehow feels like her telling him how she feels is "not fair." And then proceeds to dig his grave.

Kupah: " I don't want to go home. You're hot."

Kaitlyn: "There's more to me than that."

Kupah: "I don't think it's bad."

Kaitlyn: "I'm telling you it's bad."

He then proceeds to freak out in the driveway, we're led to believe he's going to have some type of physical outburst, and we don't get to see the rose ceremony.

What do we get instead? Why, it's America's Most Wholesome Couple, Britt and Brady. They're here for some good, clean fun and I'm happy to report they've hung out, like, every day for a week and enjoy teasing one another with ice cream. If I were a betting man like JJ, I'd bet $50,000 that anytime anything particularly slut-shame-y happens with Kaitlyn we'll be treated to a squeaky-clean montage of Britt and Brady. Look, they're at the petting zoo! Roller skating is a great time! Who doesn't love volunteering at the animal shelter?

Until next week!

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