Channel: Paper RSS Feed
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 7783

The Bachelorette Episode Two: They Did the Bad Thing

Read our part-one recap from the Bachelorette's two-part premiere here

As the men chat about which woman they rejected, Chris Harrison strides through the room to go chat with Britt, who's waiting by the fireplace, experiencing what has to be one of the worst cases of the scaries imaginable. In what is essentially The Bachelorette's idea of a cold open, Harrison, sans music, gets down to business after cruelly toying with her. "The majority of the men have chosen... one woman....who they can hopefully see a future with. Britt, unfortunately you're not going to be The Bachelorette."

Here's the thing: I personally don't care for Britt, but to be rejected by what you statistically  know is over a dozen men is awful. It's sick. Britt spent her entire time on Chris's season auditioning for this role, and you can tell she wanted this in the way that Madonna wishes she could understand instagram.

Britt's heartfelt reaction upon hearing the news is sad, and not just because she says one of her main ambitions in life is to get married. "I didn't see that coming at all. I want to be a wife more than anything in the world...I'm confused and tired. I don't know how many times you have to put your heart out there. I've never held anything back." If "I'm confused and tired" doesn't accurately sum up The Bachelor franchise, I don't know what does.

On to better news! He pulls the same shtick with Kaitlyn ("unfortunately...I had to send Britt home") and if you ever have to show the emotion of relief to an alien, pull up this moment. But don't forget, we have a rose ceremony to get to!

When Kaitlyn walks in, handsome Ian and the ghost of Ryan Gosling (fine, Shawn B.) leap up in cheers. Everyone applauds, and you can see the "oh-shit-I-didn't-pick-her-but-I'd-love-to-go-on-Bachelor-in-paradise-so-I-gotta-stick-around" realization dawn on many faces. Ian immediately spirits her away, and you can tell he has already decided they're perfect together, which is never really a good thing, but it's early. The industrial welder (Joshua) tries to act like he didn't wait to give his iron rose to whoever ended up winning, and all the other guys hastily try and put in time at what has to be 4 a.m. at this point. BYO amphetamines, contestants!

Screen Shot 2015-05-20 at 1.20.55 PM.png
The tactics vary. Jared smartly tells her he voted for Britt but wants to get to know her, while Jonathan (who wins the Crazy Eyes Award for the season) rethinks his game plan. "There's only one drinking fountain and now we all must stand in the same line," says black-eyed healer Tony, a horrible analogy for both dating and segregation.

Single-dad JJ somehow thinks his young daughter's future hinges on this very night. "My wife, my daughter, my future is woven out of what happens tonight," he incorrectly states, but Kaitlyn seems to dig the fact that he's a father. That, or she digs unavailable men. The first-impression rose and some lip service goes to Ryan Gosling's less attractive cousin (seriously, are they related? They even speak in the same slow, low drawl) and the dentist scores a kiss before the rose ceremony begins, putting Kaitlyn's first night makeout number at two.

We probably all saw this coming, but mid-rose ceremony Brady, whose favorite band is Coldplay, asks Kaitlyn to chat with him outside. "If I'm honest with you and myself my heart is with the woman who left a couple hours ago," he fairly poetically tells her, and with that he's off to go see about a girl. No really, he actually used that line. Live your truth, Brady!

Kaitlyn makes poor Ian literally sweat it out until almost the end for his rose, but ultimately sends home Shawn E. the "amateur sex coach," Josh the lawyer/stripper, and Bradley who had no real defining characteristics. I'm excited for the tattling that's about to commence on who voted for Britt and isn't here for her (Ian, you're up) but we need to talk about the trailer for this season because it is BANANAS.

You can tell Joe (southern, large forehead, seems nice) and Jared (voted for Britt but came clean) either make it pretty far or are crazy, because both tell Kaitlyn they're falling in love with her, the inimitable Amy Schumer is on an episode, and we get some sunsets and makeouts before ominous music starts to play.

"The emotions are just insane right now" drawls melted Ryan Gosling before Nick Viall, the runner-up in former Bachelorette Andi's season, who apparently joins the cast later on this season. You might remember Nick for publicly slut-shaming Andi when he mumbled on After the Final Rose "I don't understand why you made love with me when you weren't in love with me."

Well, that's called dating Nick. On Andi's season none of the guys in the house liked him, and that's sure to be the case here. They seem to do a lot of making out though, so he clearly sticks around. But Nick's stupidity might be small potatoes compared to this season -- I viewed the trailer as one carefully-edited, extended slut shame.

Just when you think the clip is wrapping up, we hear some heavy panting and a producer knocking on what is presumably Kaitlyn's door. A naked man runs down a lawn, Kaitlyn looks agonized on a balcony and lots of tears are shed. "I'm don't think I'm a bad person and I'm not ashamed of myself, but I do have other relationships and one of those went too far too fast and I made a huge mistake" we hear, before it seems like she tells the group of guys "It's hard for me to admit it, but we had sex." 

Cue to tears from the guys, Ian telling her "I feel like you were here to make out with a bunch of guys on TV" (well, yeah, Ian) and lots of #sexregret from Kaitlyn before we're out. This from a show that quite obviously showed former Bachelor Juan Pablo having sex in the ocean mid-season, which was barely addressed.

So, what happened? Did she sleep with a random guy, one of the contestants or none of the above? I find it hard to believe she'd just sleep with a random. Where would she even find the time, unless it's a producer? I also don't know why she'd tell all the dudes she slept with one of them, since that's pretty much just what one does on this show and isn't really anyone's business. Which leads me to believe we might have just gotten a really sneaky edit here. What if she is telling them about a past relationship? An experience that was somehow hurtful to her? I don't know, but I'm excited. Till next week!

[Click here for more]

Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 7783

Latest Images

Trending Articles

Latest Images