Coolest Mean-Teens in Paris: Kanye and Lorde! If this isn't "let's go smoke cigarettes in the parking lot of Dennys and pretend we like Echo and the Bunnymen" then we don't know what is. P.S. We see your turtleneck, Lorde. -- Elizabeth Thompson
Best Way to Pay Your Brooklyn Rent: By starting a BDSM dungeon in your apartment as one woman did in Park Slope. If you're going to live in the most expensive place in America, you might as well have some fun! -- Evan SiegelBest Air Guitar, Bass, Drums, Mic Stand...: This new video by Brooklyn dance dudes Legs. It's a pleasing throwback to sophomore-year improv exercises, and a reminder that you don't need a big budget -- or even props! -- to make a weird, cool video. (Also, don't miss the Liz Taylor cameo.) -- James Rickman
Biggest Haters: The pop-allergic art critics destroying the new Bjork retrospective at MoMA. -- E.T.Most Mind-Blowing Connection: Beyoncé and Beck's dad. Thanks to a Redditor, we learned that Beck's old man David Campbell contributed string arrangements for Beyoncé's 2006 album, B'Day. This "feud" just got more interesting. -- Tené Young
Most Passionate Speech Directed Toward the Internet of the Week: Tom Hanks'. Back in January, Tom Hanks dared to ride the subway. This is an act that usually endears us New Yorkers to celebrities, but in this case Tom Hanks did it all wrong. The actor took up not one, but two seats, apparently missing the memo on the new manspreading rules, and the internet was quick to call him out on this. During an interview at a Knicks game on Tuesday, Tom Hanks defended himself against the manspreading claims and (plot twist!) called out the internet. While no good can ever come from men taking up too much space, at least we get to hear Tom Hanks emphatically say, "Hey internet!" on an infinite loop, above. -- Gabby Bess
Least Kinky School: This one in the UK that punished an 11 year-old for dressing as Christian Grey. He had zip ties and everything! Do they not appreciate his authenticity? -- E.S.
Best Movie Promo of the Week: The one for Unfinished Business, in which cast members Vince Vaughn and Dave Franco posed like characters out of cheesy stock portraits. Vince Vaughn's blank stare = how we feel every day at approx. 4:30pm. -- Abby Schreiber
Best Way to Express Your Inner Drake: This new app. Called Drizzy Keyboard, the app allows iPhone users to turn their keyboards exclusively into Drake lyrics. 6 God has answered our prayers! -- T.Y.Wisest Investment: Spending $60,000 on a bag of air from a Kanye show. That's right, before ebay deleted the listing, people were bidding ridiculous amounts of money for a ziploc bag. -- E.S.
Greatest and Best Thing Ever: This 15-year-old laying waste to a Dragon Force song and managing to look vaguely distracted (read: 15) at the same time. -- J.R.
The King's Most Loyal Subject: Jack White, who bought an Elvis first recording for a cool $300,000 to reissue it on Record Store Day. That's dedication... or maybe just obsession. -- E.S.
Most Persistent Nipple-Free-er: Chelsea Handler, who took to twitter topless yet again to show everyone she hasn't had work done. That's fine! Thank you. -- E.T.Weekend Inspiration of the Week (Month? Year?): Karaoke superstars Bev and Bob whose unique renditions of everything from Modest Mouse's "Float On" to Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe" to LMFAO's "Shots" are superb in every way. (And, it turns out, we unwittingly featured them in a Morning Funnies post almost exactly one year ago -- who knew?!) Read a delightful interview with the couple on Dangerous Minds HERE. -- A.S.