The Most Important Academy Award of the Week: This sculpture by street artist Plastic Jesus that shows 'Oscar' snorting lines of coke. -- Evan Siegel
Best Comeback Queen: Amber Rose. It was a hard week for Muva this week as she found herself against her soon-to-be ex-husband Wiz Khalifa, rapper Tyga, and twitter-beefing the Kardashian-West-Jenner clan. But...she took 'em all down with aplomb. -- Tené YoungSaddest News of the Week: Starbucks is going to stop selling CDs. Where else will I get my Kenny G and assorted Hawaiian sounds? -- E.S.
Best Creative Direction of the Week: Wired's sex toy roundup. This award goes out to whoever's idea it was to style a fake beaver with a vibrator. Simple. Elegant. Gorgeous. -- Gabby BessBest Supergroup of the Week: The Singles, aka Este Haim, Holly Miranda, Julia Haltigan, Kendra Morris and an actor named Scarlett Johansson. I mean, you had us at Este Haim, but their single "Candy," released today, is good -- I would go so far as to affect a James Lipton accent and call it "a de-light." It also heralds new Holly Miranda music: Miranda's first solo album in five years comes out in May, which is cause for celebration in itself. -- James Rickman
Most Enlightening Twitter Monologue of the Week: Norm MacDonald's. The comedian gave a blow-by-blow about some of the biggest moments of the SNL 40th Anniversary show, including the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch. The biggest revelation? They originally wanted Eddie Murphy to come out as Bill Cosby in a bit that addressed the comedian's numerous rape allegations but Murphy nixed the idea at the last minute. -- Abby Schreiber
Shadiest Shade of the Week: Kim Gordon's dis at Lana Del Ray in her new memoir. Gordon writes, "If she really truly believes it's beautiful when young musicians go out on a hot flame of drugs and depression," Gordon asks, "why doesn't she just off herself?" Damn. -- E.S.
Best and/or Creepiest Way to Drink in Public: This fake baby flask. Why not just stick with the noble brown paper bag? -- E.S.Weirdest Way to Get a Tattoo: Under hypnosis. VICE Netherlands published an account of one writer's experience. Just...no. -- T.Y.
Best Evocation of the Total Shitiness of the Season: This creepy-ass SUV grille ice-ghost, snapped in Greenville, NC. WILL APRIL NEVER COME. -- J.R.Best Fashion Video of the Week: LPDNY x Adidas' new basketball-inspired video for their collab. -- A.S.
Most Fashion-Forward Living Dictator: Kim Jong Un. Just look at that new haircut. -- E.S.
Happiest Kanye of the Week: Kanye, while getting a cheek-caress greeting from Ralph Lauren backstage at Lauren's runway show. Look how smiley! -- Katy TurnerBest Drunk Ash Wednesday Selfie: Ali Michael, the porcelain angel princess herself. God bless Ali. -- K.T.
Best Pizza Nail Polish of the Week: courtesy of Pizza Hut (via Buzzfeed), who decided that we all needed pepperoni varnish in our lives, even if we can't actually buy it -- the line with names like "Say Cheese" and "Voracious Veggie" was made exclusively for winners of a Valentine's Day promotion contest. Thank you anyway, Pizza Hut, and may all our snackwave beauty dreams some-day come true. -- K.T.
Most Intense Car Explosion Vine of the Week feat. Drake: brought to our attention by the Fader, where some genius matched up the beat drop of Drake's new track "Know Yourself" to a mysterious trunk detonation on the highway. Here's hoping all parties involved were OK. --K.T.
Best Nut Butter Muse of the Week: John Mayer. Buzzfeed reports that Mayer, in a December 2014 late-night, almond-butter craze, tweeted at popular nut butter company Justin's with an innovative suggestion: cookie dough almond butter. The company responded and, two months later, made good on the deal. --K.T.