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The Thirst Is Real: Celebrity Desperation In the Age of Social Media


On the one hand, it's pretty boring when a celebrity so obviously pays an assistant to manage their social media accounts but on the other, there's a big reason why they don't have control over the passwords: they're thirsty. Look, we get it. A big part of social media -- especially if you're a celebrity -- is about self promotion but oh man how things can quickly go awry. Below, we've rounded up the thirstiest ten in the bunch. It's worth mentioning that though we might roll our eyes when we come across their feeds, we're also in awe that they clearly don't give a fuck about social media etiquette. (Except Donald Trump because fuck Donald Trump.)

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 4.13.53 PM.pngSnoop Dogg
Snoop Dogg is by far the worst, most tedious celebrity Instagrammer hands down. On February 1st, he posted 63 times. SIXTY THREE. Granted, it was the Super Bowl, and Snoop lives and dies for football, but that is borderline pathological. Some of his posts are to promote various events and projects, which adds a few thirst points, but his thirstiest offense comes from his constant bad selfies that he hopes will turn into memes. Snoop's tragically deep misunderstanding of memes has become a meme itself. Weep for him. 

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 2.59.26 PM.pngIggy Azalea
Previously full of politically incorrect -- if not deeply racist -- tweets, her feed, when it's not being used to squabble with Azealia Banks, is now mostly made up of multi-tweet long missives about everything from God and race to the decline of media and authenticity; it's like she's thirsting for one big soapbox to try to convince you that's she's actually a good person and a good rapper.

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 2.56.28 PM.pngRick Ross
Not long ago, Rick Ross' Twitter was near and dear to our hearts. We're big fans of his use of that little flame emoji, but now we're pretty sure that his Twitter feed has highest product placement to overall tweet ratio of all time. If he's not trying to get us to go grab lunch at one of his Wingstop franchises, he's promoting some brand of rosé, constantly. And in some cases, he's so lazy about it that he just screenshots an instagrammed post from iPhone and posts that to Twitter. Like, the least you -- or your appointed, underpaid social media intern -- can do is work as hard as your thirst.

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 3.00.49 PM.pngNaya Rivera
You're familiar with GOOP, what about NayaRivera.com? Like Gwyneth Paltrow's much maligned site, NayaRivera.com offers beauty tips, tricks, and serves as a general State of the Union for Naya Rivera's life. All that would be fine (avoiding self-promoting celebrity websites is easy enough), but damn, Naya Rivera is THIRSTY. Almost every other tweet that she writes is to promote this blog filled with mediocre beauty and fashion advice. At least GOOP is creative -- if anything, vaginal steaming is honestly a practice we had never heard of before. We have, however, heard that NARS bronzer is great for "contouring on-the-go." Thanks for the tips Naya, but no thanks. You are not the guru we're looking for.

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 3.01.34 PM.pngJames Franco
Franco has more than mastered his meta-thirst-as-larger-commentary-on-celebrity-obsession -- the man did a 2015 selfie calendar for us, after-all --  and it's time for a refresh, guy. We suggest duplicating all of Martha Stewart's confounding twitpics. Including this one.  

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 3.04.12 PM.pngCourtney Love
Courtney is one of the biggest offenders of the name-dropping photo as well as re-tweeting seemingly any complimentary press and praise from fans, which is thirst defined. Still, we love her for posting tweets like these. Tame in the grand-scheme of CourtneyTwitter, but amusing nonetheless:

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 3.12.38 PM.pngRoseanne Barr
If there's one thing we know about Roseanne it's that she loves Twitter and she loves sharing things on Twitter. Scrolling though her Twitter feed, you get the sense that she also retweets everything that she favorites. It's overwhelming. Generally, Roseanne's Twitter is a harmlessly delightful place where you can go to peek around the inside of Roseanne's life and brain. During the Super Bowl she tweeted, "Skittles bitches" because I guess she was maybe eating Skittles or saw a Skittles commercial. Who knows, it seemed fun. She also tweeted pictures of her empty apartment with the hashtag, "#SuperBowlParty" and a picture of a pile of bananas. Roseanne is funny, we will grant her that. BUT THOSE RTs, THO. She clearly, peripherally cares about a lot of issues -- including poaching, feminism, racism, Bill Cosby, pizza condoms, @mysteriousfacts, etc. -- but it's just too much. If something in the world is happening, she won't hesitate to tweet or retweet it. We hate to break it to you, Roseanne, but you seem parched.

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 3.04.40 PM.pngMiley Cyrus
Endless selfies, trippy Photoshop jobs, and lots of TnA make sure all eyes are on her -- and her various social media feeds -- 24/7. We get it. You like weed. You like #FreeingTheNipple. You have mildly good Photoshopping skills (want a web internship?). But leave some water for the rest of us. 

Screen Shot 2015-02-04 at 3.08.43 PM.pngDiddy

When he's not offering self-help, he's offering self promotion. And by "self" we mean Ciroc. He should stop posting about his vodka brand and instead just use it to quench his thirst.

A message for Hollywood-

A video posted by Donald J. Trump (@realdonaldtrump) on

Donald Trump
Donald Trump is so obviously thirsty it's not even funny. But we'd like to use this opportunity to raise awareness for Donald Trump's revolutionary vlog, which he affectionately refers to as #TrumpVlog. What is #TrumpVlog, you ask? Well, it's just Trump, sitting at his desk and yelling into the Instagram void about everything from Obama to Katy Perry to the reboot of Ghostbusters with an all-female cast. Put simply, #TrumpVlogs are the concise ramblings of a man unhinged. What's great about #TrumpVlog is that each video is only around 11-seconds, but you can tell it took at least 5-7 tries for him to "nail it." The thirst is so wonderfully real.

Honorable Mention Shoutouts:The Real Dennis G and Gwyneth Paltrow

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