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KOOL A.D. Forecasts Your January Horoscopes

january horoscopes.jpgTrouble with love? Work problems? Mercury retrograde? Don't worry. Rapper, author of the forthcoming novel O.K. (Sorry House), and expert astrological navigator, Kool A.D. will safely guide you through the coming month.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 23)

U have settled into a new rhythm. Things will continue at this pace and rhythm for a while. Listen to Future: Finessin. Stay hydrated. Avocado is an important food for u this month. Try telling a joke to somebody this month and I bet u they will laugh at it. Make some much needed alone time for urself.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 22)

Do sit ups and push ups every day. Eat less sugar, fat, carbohydrates and dairy, more protein, fiber, roughage. Drink a lot of water. Run, swim. Drink less beer. Wine, liquor and weed are fine. Pills and powders in moderation. Psychedelics are fine, encouraged even. Delete all the games off ur phone and read a book or two. Go see a movie by urself. Visit a church, a casino, a graveyard, or all three. Talk to at least one stranger. Perfume urself with jasmine or sandalwood oil.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 22)

All music is world music. All music is soul music. All music is experimental music. All music is psychedelic music. All music is noise music. All music is rock and roll music. All music is rap music. All music is blues music. All music is jazz music. All music is Heavy Metal music. All music is Industrial music. All music is commercial music. All music is folk music. All music is religious music. All music is melancholy. Allmusic.com seems like a website that could never live up to its name. Read "The Story of Kenny Loggins' 'Footloose,' As Told By Bassist Nathan East" or whatever, don't. Who has time to click links and read shit? Take one day this month to turn off ur phone and stay off the internet.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

U Might have a threesome this month so keep ur eyes and ears open. Be gentle, patient and honest. Don't try to force ur ego upon any social situation u find urself in. Drink coconut water at some point this month. Buy a bouquet of flowers for urself. Shoplift something from a Walgreens, Walmart, K-Mart, Target, Long's, Duane Reade or 7-11. Preferably Walmart tho. Buy a scratch-off lottery ticket. Spray paint a yin-yang symbol on a cop car. Get kicked out of a bar if that's how u feel. Get into a fight with a stranger if that's how u feel. Get arrested if need be. Fear nothing.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)

Get some fried chicken at Elve's at some point in the first weeks of January. That same week, get some ribs at Everett and Jones on San Pablo and University. That same week, get some chicken and waffles at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles at Jack London Square. The next week get corned beef hash and poached eggs at Ole's Waffle shop in Alameda. The next day get corned beef hash and poached eggs at Jim's Diner in Alameda. Later that week get a cheeseburger from the Giant Burger on Telegraph and West Grand. The following week get two carne asada tacos at the Sinaloa on International and 22nd, then two carne asada tacos at the Sinaloa on Fruitvale and San Leandro, then two carne asada tacos at Guadalajara on Fruitvale and San Leandro, then two carne asada tacos at El Farolito on International and 37th, then two carne asada tacos at El Farolito on Mission and 24th. Eat a lot of carrots, blueberries, apples and oranges throughout the month -- actually, throughout the year. Listen to All Eyez on Me and Killuminati (Seven Day Theory) by 2Pac, "Don't Fight the Feelin'" by Rappin 4-Tay, Born to Mack and Life is... Too Short by Too Short. Rewatch whatever Alejandro Jodorowsy movie u watched last month but this time with the sound off and Too Short's Freaky Tales on loop. Also listen to Ornette Coleman's seminal 1968 album Free Jazz a few times.

PISCES (February 18 - March 20)

When it comes to "revolution" as an idea/ideology/politic, two questions that spring to mind are:

1. Why the fuck not?

2. What the fuck else would you be doing in your spare time?

Those who call communism, socialism, anarchism and other "revolutionary" ideologies fatally idealistic or hopelessly romantic could perhaps consider the fatal idealism and hopeless romanticism of capitalism, "the republic," democracy, plutocracy, and pretty much all human ideology, period. The "revolutionary" or "communist" or "socialist" or "anarchistic" ideas are all gestural cosmic splinters of a larger, extra-linguistic idea. Words are important and useful but u should take some time, maybe 30 minutes to an hour per day, to sit in silent meditation. U had a lot of sex last year, pick the sexual partner u liked best and go deep with them emotionally.

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

Watch that documentary on Ai Wei Wei that's on Netflix then go to an art museum with a Cancer. If you can't find a Cancer, then a Taurus, Aquarius, Gemini or Scorpio will do. If you didn't trip on a psychedelic drug last month like u were supposed to, then do it this month with a Cancer, if possible. A Taurus, a Gemini, a Scorpio or an Aquarius would also work. I highly recommend tripping on acid in an art museum if you've never done it. Keep a glass of water in the corner of ur room that is closest to the direction of the Hejaz region of Saudi Arabia. Try to empty and refill it everyday, but if u miss a few days here and there it's no big deal. Mail a postcard to somebody u haven't talked to in a while.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

Keep listening to Celia Cruz, Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, and Dawn Penn like last month. Also add into the mix: Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Jimmy Scott, French Montana, Apollonia, Madonna, The Sugarcubes, FKA Twigs, Grimez, Sza, Tinashe, Kehlani, Dej Loaf, Erykah Badu, MIA, Kimya Dawson, Sleater Kinney, Le Tigre, Bikini Kill, Gangsta Boo, Bahamadia, Jill Scott, Rah Digga, MC Lyte, L'Trimm, E.S.G., Traveling Flower Band, Acid Mothers Temple, The Boredoms, Queen Latifah, Jean Gray, Ursula Rucker, Roxanne Shantay, The Donnas, The Ronettes, The Crystals, The Supremes, Aaliyah, Missy Elliot, Alice Coltrane, John Coltrane, Dee Dee Bridgewater, Chaka Khan, Selda Bagcan, Sade, Monica, Brandy, SWV, TLC, Selena, Destiny's Child, The Ramones, Solange Knowles, Apache Beat, Siouxie Sioux and the Banshees, The Slits, Chairlift, Kate Bush, Tecla, Kate Ferencz, The Modern Lovers, Unicornicopia, Shellshag, The Unicorns, Au Revoir Simone, Blood Orange, Lightspeed Champion, School of Seven Bells, Zambri, Flowers, The Murmurs, The Cranberries, Hole, The Seeds, The Zombies, Azaelia Banks, Action Bronson, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Florence and the Machine, Acrylics, King Krule, Crystal Castles, Throbbing Gristle, De La Soul, Ciara, Ashanti, J-Lo, Lauryn Hill, The Rolling Stones, Bad Brains and Mary J. Blige. Watch the 1980's remake of Godard's Breathless starring Richard Gere with the sound turned off and Too Short's Freaky Tales on loop.    

(May 21 - June 21)

Maybe we can smash the myth of genius with the rising of Mars in the house of Venus. You could stop me if you've seen this. Not even in our wildest sleep could we dream this. A field of light. A field of anything you'd like. From foot to brow, this is clearly what we're doing now.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

Better than the feeling of anger is a sense of and a will to justice. Better than sadness is meditation. Better than fear is love. Better than war is peace. These are linguistic statements that can be deconstructed to mean essentially nothing, but the spirit behind them is a nameless, wordless hope. Go to a church or a casino this month. Eat mostly Chinese food if you can. Go to an art museum with an Aries, preferably while tripping on a psychedelic drug.

LEO (July 22 - August 23)

When you boil it down to simple semantics, the word "revolution," and its etymological meaning/weight/history within English and the larger gradient of human language in inter-translation, seems more human or more natural (or more friendly to the ideas of "human" and "natural") than that of say "hegemony", or even the much simpler "rule." The idea of the "commune" or the "society" seems more natural/human than the idea of "capital." But when you boil it down even further to the point at which semantics themselves dissolve, you're left with mere gibberish. Words/language are a type of action, yes, physical, yes, (they are symbolic objects can be heard and seen and even literally held) but like all other physical things there is a metaphysical property to them (or beyond them, if you will). What do u want to do with ur life? Do that.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 23)

Everything that is true for a Capricorn this month is more or less true for u too. Above all else, the main theme of this month is FEAR NOTHING. There is literally nothing to fear but fear itself. Look up Jim Carey motivational speeches on Youtube.

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