Eating should be nourishing and enjoyable, not the culinary answer to a dental drill, but sometimes the experience doesn't turn out to be quite as delicious as one had hoped. Here's an octet of bad s**t that hits the pan, especially in NYC's busier hotspots.1. "When your entire party is here, we can seat you." WHAT? You mean I have to suffer because I agreed to tag along with some out-of-town friends who've swept in, and I must pay the price for the fact that most of them have no idea what a New York schedule is, and besides, they've invited some people I don't even know, and I have to be responsible for their chronic lack of punctuality too? I am here, people. SEAT ME NOW!
2. "We're trying to get your table ready. You can sit at the bar and order some highly priced drinks while you wait it out." WHAT? I waited till my whole freakin' party got here, including some freaks I never even met before, and now I still have to wait for my table? Please! Surely you're not realizing that I can take my business to another fine establishment where I won't have to wait a second! Is there a Wendy's nearby?
3. "The specials are a linguini with orange ragout and razor clams; bronzini with scalloped potatoes and mung nuts; and a mahi mahi with roasted tomatoes, kale, and kumquat juice." Oh, that's nice. You have delightfully told me every single thing about these wonderful dishes du jour, except for.....HOW MUCH?????
4. "We're sorry you didn't order an appetizer, sir, but everyone else at your table did, so you'll have to wait at least 40 minutes till they're done with theirs before you get your first drop of food." [They don't actually say this, but it's in the air. And it's really sadistic.]
5. [Sounds of screaming, drunken, bellowing, chirping, guffawing bachelorettes at the next table. If they're all as funny as they seem to think they are, this is the real breeding ground for new comic talent, not Second City or UCB. Talent agents need to start coming with me to restaurants so they can scope out this hilarious treasure trove of talent at the next table.]
6. "What do you recommend for dessert?" I'll gamely ask a waitserver. And instead of just replying "the sorbet," they'll say, "Well, the sorbet has an earthy leanness that's full of depth, while the gelato strives for profundity though it's admittedly poignant in its transitional aspirations." I listened to some similar horseshit at a trendy boîte recently, and felt like I was at a pulp novel convention, but at least the place had an "A" rating, so the kitchen was clean.
7. "OK, can I take that?" [while you're still slurping on it]. "You don't want anything else, do you?" [Uh...Uh...Maybe. Give me a second to think...] "OK, we need your table, so get the hell out." [Again, this isn't exactly verbatim, but I swear at some restaurants, they can have you in and out in under five minutes. Even if they can make more money off of you, they still want to whoosh you to the exit, just so they can see if they can. Sick!]
8. "OK, Michael had the clams and the soda and we had the caviar bruschetta, the hangar steak pavilion, and the eight bottles of wine, so let's divide it evenly. That's $180 a person." WHAT?????