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The Hottest Player In the World Cup: Eliminations


Fact: Soccer players are hotties and hotties are soccer players. And nowhere is there a greater concentration of baes than at the World Cup, when chiseled, stubbled, floppily coiffed players from 32 different countries converge on Brazil for a month. (As if they needed more hunks.)

While we'll leave the incisive sports analysis to our friends over at ESPN, we've decided to make our own tournament bracket for -- that's right -- the 'Hottest Player In the World Cup.' We've picked the biggest cutie from each of the 32 different teams participating and, like the Cup itself, separated them into eight different groups with four players each. But because this is PAPER -- and not FIFA -- deciding the groups, we divided the guys into categories based on their prevailing hot dude features: Beards, Clean Shaven, Long Hair, Buzzed Heads, Metrosexuals, Tattoos, Williamsburg Haircut, and Hot Guy Next Door. Throughout the next month, we'll be pitting these guys head-to-head, perfectly-sculpted cheekbone-to-perfectly sculpted cheekbone and eliminating the competition until only one mega babe remains.


Below, Round 1B

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Boubacar Barry (Goalkeeper for Côte d'Ivoire) vs. Ehsan Hajsafi (Midfielder for Iran)

The Match: We're really fascinated by Boubacar's hair game (not to mention that amazing name) and he has very long eyelashes, which we like. He also looks like he could be a buzzkill on a date and talk about his ex-girlfriend. Ehsan seems like the kind of guy who would think it's really cool to own an SUV.

Winner: Ehsan. (We had to use a jawline tie-breaker for this one.)

Screen Shot 2014-06-26 at 5.42.19 PM.pngGabriel Achilier (Defender for Ecuador) vs. Gerard Pique (Defender for Spain)

The Match: Yes Pique is smokin' hot but he's also a little too N*SYNC twink for our taste. Achilier is our Achille's Heel HO HO HO.

Winner: Gabriel.
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Francisco Rodriguez (Defender for Mexico) vs. Fabian Schär (Defender for Switzerland)

The Match: Both these guys seem like criers but Fabian looks like he's 14.

Winner: Francisco.

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Luis Suarez (Forward for Uruguay) vs. Robin Van Persie (Forward for the Netherlands)

The Match: Robing wins by default. (No biting please.)

Winner: Robin.

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Panagiotis Kone (Midfielder for Greece) vs. Toby Alderweireled (Defender for Belgium)

The Match: Panagiotis has "$80-get-your-hair-cut-while-drinking-a-Brooklyn-lager-and-getting-a-straight-razor-shave-while-Mac DeMarco-wafts-in-the-background" written all over him and we'd be liars if we said we weren't totally into that. Sorry, Toby, this was not an even match.

Winner: Panagiotis.

Screen Shot 2014-06-26 at 5.42.56 PM.pngTino Sven Susic (Midfielder for Bosnia and Herzegovina) vs. Olivier Giroud (Forward for France)

The Match: We can't get past the resemblance between Giroud and that one guy from Color Me Badd. Sorry. We tried.

Winner: Tino.
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Celso Borges (Midfielder for Costa Rica) vs. Manuel Neuer (Goalkeeper for Germany)

The Match: Manuel just seems like a good time bro who loves "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion and would always be down to drink beers on the roof. Celso looks like the kind of guy who, in his off time, can get you a loan.

Winner: Manuel. (We do love "Ball and Chain.")

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Park Chu-young (Forward for Korea) vs. Maksim Kanunnikov (Forward for Russia)

The Match: Maksim looks like those guys in eighth grade who could pass for 35. He's still a little too baby-faced for us. Park looks like he would know what to do in an emergency.

Winner: Park.

Previous: Round 1A

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Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 11.37.01 AM.pngNicolas N'Koulou (Defender for Cameroon) vs. Mario Yepes (Defender for Colombia)

The Match: Nicolas has some amazing puppy dog eyes but male stripper Jesus is always a look that speaks to us.

Winner: Mario.

Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 11.37.42 AM.pngGraham Zusi (Midfielder for U.S.) vs. Miiko Albornoz (Defender for Chile)

The Match: The battle of the headbands. Miiko might have model looks but we can't shake his wealthy art scion douche chills. U-S-A, U-S-A.

Winner: Graham.

Group B:

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Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 11.38.23 AM.pngAdam Kwarasey (Goalkeeper for Ghana) vs. Glen Johnson (Defender for England)

The Match: Sorry Adam, this isn't really fair because Glen is just 1000% hotter. We're sure you're really nice, though, and we'd still be honored to make out with you any time.

Winner: Glen.

Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 11.39.06 AM.pngJerry Bengtson (Forward for Honduras) vs. (Vincent Enyeama, Goalkeeper for Nigeria)

The Match: This one's hard. Jerry gets points deducted for tapered sideburns but you can't beat those cheekbones. Vincent, you've got the hotter name (Jerry???) and your brows don't quit. Why do we have to choose?

Winner: Jerry.

Group C:

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Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 11.39.42 AM.pngCristiano Ronaldo (Forward for Portugal) vs. Hotaru Yamaguchi (Midfielder for Japan)

The Match: This is hard but not for the reasons you'd expect. They both look like they'd say to a girlfriend, "Are you sure you want to eat that?" and they probably own hair products that are more expensive than your monthly rent.

Winner: Cristiano.

Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 11.40.09 AM.pngNeymar (Forward for Brazil) vs. Eduardo (Forward for Croatia)

The Match: See above.

Winner: Eduardo. (Sorry, Neymar. We just can't get past the double piercing.)

Group D:

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Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 11.40.40 AM.pngCarl Medjani (Defender for Algeria) vs. Ezequiel Lavezzi (Forward for Argentina)

The Match: Ezequiel would make that face while you were having your baby in the delivery room. Everything with this guy is INTENSE AS SHIT. Carl has cooler vibes.
Winner: Carl. Team cool vibes.

Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 11.41.36 AM.pngTim Cahill, Forward for Australia vs. Claudio Marchisio (Midfielder for Italy)

The Match: Tim looks friendly but Claudio's eyes are like two sparkling Lake Comos. If you look close enough, you'll even see a glimpse of a winking George Clooney in the pupil. Ding!

Winner: Claudio.

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