The Hottest Player In the World Cup: Round 1

Fact: Soccer players are hotties and hotties are soccer players. And nowhere is there a greater concentration of baes than at the World Cup, when chiseled, stubbled, floppily coiffed players from 32 different countries converge on Brazil for a month. (As if they needed more hunks.)

While we'll leave the incisive sports analysis to our friends over at ESPN, we've decided to make our own tournament bracket for -- that's right -- the 'Hottest Player In the World Cup.' We've picked the biggest cutie from each of the 32 different teams participating and, like the Cup itself, separated them into eight different groups with four players each. But because this is PAPER -- and not FIFA -- deciding the groups, we divided the guys into categories based on their prevailing hot dude features: Beards, Clean Shaven, Long Hair, Buzzed Heads, Metrosexuals, Tattoos, Williamsburg Haircut, and Hot Guy Next Door. Throughout the next month, we'll be pitting these guys head-to-head, perfectly-sculpted cheekbone-to-perfectly sculpted cheekbone and eliminating the competition until only one mega babe remains.

Below, Round 1A:

Group A:

The Match: Nicolas has some amazing puppy dog eyes but male stripper Jesus is always a look that speaks to us.

Winner: Mario.

The Match: Sorry Adam, this isn't really fair because Glen is 1000% hotter. We're sure you're really nice, though, and we'd still be honored to make out with you any time.

Winner: Glen.

The Match: This one's hard. Jerry gets points deducted for tapered sideburns but you can't beat those cheekbones. Vincent, you've got the hotter name (Jerry???) and your brows don't quit. Ughhh why do we have to choose?

Winner: Jerry.

Group C:

The Match: This is hard but not for the reasons you'd expect. They both look like they'd say to a girlfriend, "Are you sure you want to eat that?" and they probably own hair products that are more expensive than your monthly rent.

Winner: Cristiano.

The Match: Same as above but dumber. Just two hot dummies.

Winner: Eduardo. (Sorry, Neymar. We just can't get past the double piercing.)

Group D:

The Match: Ezequiel would make that face while you were having your baby in the delivery room. Everything with this guy is INTENSE AS SHIT. Carl has cool vibes.
 
Winner: Carl.

The Match: Tim looks friendly but Claudio's eyes are like two sparkling Lake Comos. If you look close enough, you'll even see a glimpse of a winking George Clooney in the pupil.

Winner: Claudio.

CLICK HERE TO OGLE THE ENTIRE COMPETITIVE FIELD.