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Twitter Doyenne Jenny Johnson On How to Eat Without Ever Cooking

"I do not cook. Ever," warned Jenny Johnson when PAPER and Canon dropped in on her recently at her Hollywood Hills home, where the Twitter super star agreed to teach us that existing on mostly microwavable food and take-out isn't anything for kitchen snobs to scoff at. It's an art. The hilarious Johnson, a former Texas news producer, rose to fame on Twitter for her acerbic wit and is now working full time as comedy writer in L.A.. The fact that she's cooking-averse and spends most of her days working at home on an upcoming book and television pilot, snacking away on popcorn and candy (Starbursts are her weakness), only made us all the more interested in her eating habits. PAPER and Canon equipped Jenny with a Canon PowerShot N digital camera and asked her to show us how to be ready to eat without ever cooking.

"I start writing first thing in the morning when it feels fresh and can come a little easier. I'm not a big coffee or caffeine person, but I'm a snacker."

If You're Not in a Good Delivery Zone, Not All Is Lost.
"The downside of living in the Hollywood Hills is that I'm out of range for a lot of delivery places. I have met food delivery drivers halfway in order to get a decent meal -- I always show up on my bike, it makes me look super tough."

Jenny takes a ride on her way-sweet Vespa to pick up some take out at the edge of her delivery zone. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Pro tip: Ovens can double as a wine racks.
"I never cook. Truly.  I had been living here for a few months before a friend came over and was like, 'You know that your oven and stove don't work, right?' I had no idea."

Genius life-hack idea, all you non-cookers.

Candy, candy, candy.
"Sometimes I'll do microwave cheese pizza for breakfast. Or I like those Dreyer's frozen fruit bars. Basically, I eat like a 12 year old.  It's a lot of small, light meals throughout the day -- usually it's popcorn and a piece of fruit, or yogurt. And there's always Starburst and these little gummy pandas, which I am currently obsessed with. I love to eat those while I'm writing."

Jenny uses the PowerShot N to upload her mid-day snack of champions to Twitter. "There's this feeling when you write a joke on Twitter that actually hits, a weirdo sense of gratification. Afterwards it's like, 'God, I want to do it again! I want to come up with something that clever again.' And, of course, you can't. And then you get the people -- my favorite repliers -- who will write back something like, 'not your best work.' Oh! Thanks mom!"

Judge your grocery list. Then buy what's on it anyway.
"I go to to the grocery store and look at my list and it's like, 'Wow.' There's vodka, beer, Starbursts, Vitamin water zero, lots of gummy things, and then l get apples and peanut butter, because I feel like that combination is a snack success. The way I feed myself is truly hilarious. When I first moved out here, I went grocery shopping with a friend at Ralph's and I went to get 2% milk. She was like, 'Oh my god, get the organic milk! It's really good. And it lasts longer.' She totally sold me on it. So now I buy organic milk. And I feel like such a hippie."

Beer comes first.

Don't bother with a toaster.
"Everything is prepared in the microwave. My Nutri-Grain waffles would probably be a lot better in the toaster than the microwave, but I just don't remember to buy a toaster when I'm out. It's not a high priority. I wrote this on Twitter and people got mad at me, but I think it captures my outlook on cooking: I feel the same way about cooking as I do about having a baby. I'm capable of doing it, I just don't want to. Could I cook? Sure! Do I want to? No!"

But do shell out for a juicer:
"I own a juicer, but only because I wanted to have fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice with my vodka. Once I realized how much better it tasted I was like, 'Well, yeah -- I'll buy a juicer! That's fine. As long as I get to have this delicious drink that comes along with it, sure!'"

"Life gave me lemon trees in my backyard so I could make awesome vodka drinks.
Also, my dog pees like a girl."

Burn it Off.
"I always need to move about the house while I'm working. I can't just sit in one place. I stop and play with my dogs or go on Twitter. Also, playing my drums helps with my writer's block. My neighbors don't seem to understand that. They just want me to shut up. They're so not supportive."

Fueled by gummy pandas, Jenny bangs out her writer's block.

Check back on papermag.com to see more BE READY moments with The Sartorialist, Johnny Wujek and Chris Benz!

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