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Top 10 Things People Need to Stop Putting On Their OkCupid Profiles In 2014

Screen Shot 2013-12-13 at 2.51.16 PM.pngWe asked Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton to look back at 2013 and pick one cultural touchstone that needs an overhaul. Their choice? OkCupid. Below, the guys share their Top 10 Things That People Need to Stop Putting On Their OkCupid Profiles In 2014.

1. "I like music."

Don't want to get ahead of ourselves but we must be soulmates because it looks like we've both been known to dabble in music from time to time. Not to be a snob but I even own my own pair of "headphones." Often when I go into bars, I point up to the speakers and say to the bartender, knowingly, "Music?" Then I give him a nod to let him know I'm on board.

2. "Don't contact me if you're easily offended."

This tells us one of two things: that you think the jokes you stole from episodes of Family Guy are HILARIOUS -- or you're genuinely racist. And if we go to a restaurant, you're gonna be cracking jokes about our server every time they walk by. You also probably went to a Lil' Wayne concert once and stood at the bar the whole time but you still tell people about that "crazy night."

3. Putting "Sex" In "Things I Can't Live Without"

Well look who's on the naughty list this year! You had to walk around your block after adding this to your profile, just to work off the adrenaline. We all like sex. And we like it enough to join OkCupid. Nobody's on here looking for a platonic knitting partner. It's like when the site asks "what you're looking for," you don't put "casual sex" -- you lie and say "new friends" like everybody else. Unless you're a succubus, have a little tact.

4. Pictures Of You Standing On A Big Rock

Did you all take these together?

5. Being "Always Up For An Adventure" (Winky Face Optional)

When I think of an adventure, I think of Indiana Jones or something involving hacking brush with a machete. I feel that there aren't many people looking for the final member of the heist team they're putting together to break into the Met. Just put what you mean, which is, "Sometimes I go to parties in a different borough" or "Sometimes I go to parties where I only know, like, 5 people." Otherwise, you'd be better off chatting up dusty strangers at a dive bar in Cairo.

6. "Actually"

One of the most important things you can include in your About Me is that you're "actually" something. "I am actually pretty laid back," "I'm actually pretty open to new things," "I am actually not sure what to expect on here," "I am actually literally," "I am actually literally writing this from inside a hollowed-out tree," "I am actually literally a ghost."

7. "Will Write More Later"

You're not sure what to write about yourself so instead of leaving it blank, you pre-emptively inform everyone not to worry because you "will write more later." Yes, you've temporarily satiated the frenzied hunger of potential suitors, fiending to see written proof that you are, in fact, chill. 

8. "My eyes?"

What's the first thing people notice about you? Where do you even start? "Who even knows?" you yell to yourself in your apartment, shrugging. You put your computer down and stand up, do a short tap dance in your bedroom. You sit down again, still unsure. "My eyes!" you think. "Yes! My eyes!" You've always had your eyes. You run to the mirror to make sure they're still there. They are still there. You can't just SAY it outright that you have eyes, though. Who would believe you? You settle for typing it in question form. Great! Yes. A question will make it more relatable. "My...eyes?" you say out loud, mimicking the upspeak of a 13-year-old girl. M-Y-(space) E-Y-E-S-? You type. Save changes.

9. "Getting People to Open Up"

I'm Really Good At: Getting people to open up. You also may be really good at throwing a glass of water in someone's face from across the table at a group dinner, then convincing that person and everyone around you that it was that person's fault and that they spilled on themselves. "It happens to everyone!" you'll say. Everyone laughs.

10. "I Really Enjoy Interacting with People"

Too bad I'm an old wagon half-submerged in a frozen brook.

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