We've asked Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, to share their ten thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with us after watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills every week. Join us for a recap, won't you?
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1. Carey: We were introduced to Yolanda's mother and brother from Holland. According to Yolanda, they lived on a farm in Holland growing up, and she had to support her family financially at the age of 16, giving her the Dutch milk-maid martyr complex she carries on today. Anyway, mom and bro are in town because David, Yolanda's more famous husband, is getting his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. It was kind of sweet to see Yolanda speaking in her native Dutch with mama and bro. She seemed genuinely thrilled to have them staying in her lemon temple. Her brother is this hulking cross between Rutger Hauer and Val Kilmer and at one point he jumped into Yolanda's pool and splashed Yo and Mama and they laughed and yelled something cute and Dutch like, "LEEEEIFEN!" and laughed some more. Cute, cute, cute. A lot of things happened at David's actual Hollywood Walk of Fame Star event, but the only thing that should be addressed is when Brandi says, "I saw Stevie Wonder and waved...I don't think he saw!"
2. Eli: Yolanda's family time is genuinely pretty heart-warming in the beginning of the episode. They bring her stroopwafels and they speak in lovely guttural Dutch-ness and play in the pool. They then have a traditional Dutch dinner of lumber and ice, and they all sleep together in a circular dish. Trust me, I know a lot about the Dutch Islands.
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3. Carey: KATHY. HILTON. We finally get a chance to see more of the Sisters Richards' eldest sister, Kathy, whose spawn include Paris Hilton, Nicky, and two other sons, the older of which *allegedly* had a fling with New York socialite/horrorshow Peter Carey "PC" Peterson, from Bravo's infamous and short-lived reality series, NYC Prep. That detail really doesn't belong here, but I can't help myself from mentioning PC Peterson or NYC Prep any chance I get. PC Peterson. PC Peterson!!!!!! PC PETERSON. Anyway, Kathy heads over to Kim's cold, dark rancher house to attend Kim's daughter Kimberly's graduation from high school. When we first see Kathy, she's knocking at the door, holding an absurdly large pot of flowers. "Hello?" she yells, audibly annoyed. She opens the door slightly, but still stands there. "These flowers are very heavy," she calls into the house. Kyle runs to the door. "Hi!" She says to her older sister, "Oh my God, the flowers are beautiful!" she adds cheerily. "Oh, they're not for you," Kathy says, breezing past her youngest sis. HA! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy then proceeds to insult Kim's outfit(s). "You're going to wear that?" "Do you have other shoes?" Kyle and Kim look terrified. Why isn't Kathy on this show? Better yet, why doesn't she have her own show?
4. Carey: Carlton takes her black cat to the vet to get acupuncture because the world is ending anyway, so why not. She's worried about the creepy kitty after the feline apparently tried to commit suicide by jumping 18 feet from one of Carlton's cathedral banisters. She hesitates when the vet asks what the cat's name is. "...Midnight," Carlton says, stroking the cat's fur. "His name is Midnight." She also talks about how she used to hang out with feral cats and wild dogs as a young girl. Ok. Later on the drive home, Carlton looks back at Midnight in its crate in the rear-view mirror. "You should have tried harder, beast," she says softly.
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5. Eli: As Carey mentioned, Carlton brings her cat to a woman who the
chyron describes as a "Veterinarian/Acupuncturist," which is a
ridiculous and garbage combination. I'm pretty sure that part of the
process of becoming an acupuncturist is forfeiting any medical degree
you may currently possess. What this means is that someone has spent
years of their life researching all the complexities of the human body
and modern medicine, and after all that, was still like, "Yeah, that... or
maybe needles?" It's basically like someone saying, "I'm a pilot, but also sometimes I
tie a bunch of pigeons to my arms to see if they can lift me off the
ground." Anyway, this lady sticks needles in her cat. Which in itself
sounds like some sort of delightful Southern turn of phrase. "Get
Meemaw to stop drinkin'? Why, you might as well be stickin' needles in a
cat!"
6. Eli: I don't know if this is a California thing or what, but what is up with everybody in this show always sitting cross-legged with their feet up on their kitchen countertops? Is this a common thing? It seems unsanitary and weird, like something an older actor trying to pass as a "cool teenager" would do in a Nickelodeon melodrama. It's gross and I despise it. You're rich, can't you afford a living room? Or is that decorative?
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7. Carey: Back at Villa Rosa, the Vanderpump estate that resembles a giant orthodontist's office perched atop a cliff, Lisa and Ken are having a sunset dinner with their daughter and son-in-law, Pandora and Jason. As the four of them have a "cheeky" conversation about Lisa thinking about moving back to France or Jason tentatively taking a job in New York, I kept waiting for the table to slide off the edge and all four of them fall off the patio and slip into a reservoir, while they remain in their seats, talking and giggling and saying rich, British people things at the bottom of the sea. A shark swims by and bites Ken's head off.
8. Carey: During the final five minutes of the show, Brandi mentions to Lisa that she and Carlton "made out" in a hot tub the previous day. They were having a deep discussion, and it "just happened!" Lisa says some lame thing about the ladies being "at each other's throats or down each other's throats." I can't wait for Elizy, Carlton's son's nanny, to drive her car through Brandi's living room in a jealous rage.
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9. Eli: I believe that Carlton and Brandi are lesbians about as much as I believe cats are asparagus.
10. Eli: A final pattern I noticed in this episode was all of the different housewives picking up pet poop or doing something menial for their children and then saying in their confessional, "Yup, this is my 'glamorous' life!" before braying like donkeys. Yeah, pretty much everybody who owns a pet picks up its shit, but most of those people don't throw that shit in a gold trashcan and then drive a Bentley to Barney's to buy more rings.
1. Carey: We were introduced to Yolanda's mother and brother from Holland. According to Yolanda, they lived on a farm in Holland growing up, and she had to support her family financially at the age of 16, giving her the Dutch milk-maid martyr complex she carries on today. Anyway, mom and bro are in town because David, Yolanda's more famous husband, is getting his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. It was kind of sweet to see Yolanda speaking in her native Dutch with mama and bro. She seemed genuinely thrilled to have them staying in her lemon temple. Her brother is this hulking cross between Rutger Hauer and Val Kilmer and at one point he jumped into Yolanda's pool and splashed Yo and Mama and they laughed and yelled something cute and Dutch like, "LEEEEIFEN!" and laughed some more. Cute, cute, cute. A lot of things happened at David's actual Hollywood Walk of Fame Star event, but the only thing that should be addressed is when Brandi says, "I saw Stevie Wonder and waved...I don't think he saw!" 2. Eli: Yolanda's family time is genuinely pretty heart-warming in the beginning of the episode. They bring her stroopwafels and they speak in lovely guttural Dutch-ness and play in the pool. They then have a traditional Dutch dinner of lumber and ice, and they all sleep together in a circular dish. Trust me, I know a lot about the Dutch Islands.
3. Carey: KATHY. HILTON. We finally get a chance to see more of the Sisters Richards' eldest sister, Kathy, whose spawn include Paris Hilton, Nicky, and two other sons, the older of which *allegedly* had a fling with New York socialite/horrorshow Peter Carey "PC" Peterson, from Bravo's infamous and short-lived reality series, NYC Prep. That detail really doesn't belong here, but I can't help myself from mentioning PC Peterson or NYC Prep any chance I get. PC Peterson. PC Peterson!!!!!! PC PETERSON. Anyway, Kathy heads over to Kim's cold, dark rancher house to attend Kim's daughter Kimberly's graduation from high school. When we first see Kathy, she's knocking at the door, holding an absurdly large pot of flowers. "Hello?" she yells, audibly annoyed. She opens the door slightly, but still stands there. "These flowers are very heavy," she calls into the house. Kyle runs to the door. "Hi!" She says to her older sister, "Oh my God, the flowers are beautiful!" she adds cheerily. "Oh, they're not for you," Kathy says, breezing past her youngest sis. HA! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! Kathy then proceeds to insult Kim's outfit(s). "You're going to wear that?" "Do you have other shoes?" Kyle and Kim look terrified. Why isn't Kathy on this show? Better yet, why doesn't she have her own show? 4. Carey: Carlton takes her black cat to the vet to get acupuncture because the world is ending anyway, so why not. She's worried about the creepy kitty after the feline apparently tried to commit suicide by jumping 18 feet from one of Carlton's cathedral banisters. She hesitates when the vet asks what the cat's name is. "...Midnight," Carlton says, stroking the cat's fur. "His name is Midnight." She also talks about how she used to hang out with feral cats and wild dogs as a young girl. Ok. Later on the drive home, Carlton looks back at Midnight in its crate in the rear-view mirror. "You should have tried harder, beast," she says softly.
5. Eli: As Carey mentioned, Carlton brings her cat to a woman who the
chyron describes as a "Veterinarian/Acupuncturist," which is a
ridiculous and garbage combination. I'm pretty sure that part of the
process of becoming an acupuncturist is forfeiting any medical degree
you may currently possess. What this means is that someone has spent
years of their life researching all the complexities of the human body
and modern medicine, and after all that, was still like, "Yeah, that... or
maybe needles?" It's basically like someone saying, "I'm a pilot, but also sometimes I
tie a bunch of pigeons to my arms to see if they can lift me off the
ground." Anyway, this lady sticks needles in her cat. Which in itself
sounds like some sort of delightful Southern turn of phrase. "Get
Meemaw to stop drinkin'? Why, you might as well be stickin' needles in a
cat!"6. Eli: I don't know if this is a California thing or what, but what is up with everybody in this show always sitting cross-legged with their feet up on their kitchen countertops? Is this a common thing? It seems unsanitary and weird, like something an older actor trying to pass as a "cool teenager" would do in a Nickelodeon melodrama. It's gross and I despise it. You're rich, can't you afford a living room? Or is that decorative?
7. Carey: Back at Villa Rosa, the Vanderpump estate that resembles a giant orthodontist's office perched atop a cliff, Lisa and Ken are having a sunset dinner with their daughter and son-in-law, Pandora and Jason. As the four of them have a "cheeky" conversation about Lisa thinking about moving back to France or Jason tentatively taking a job in New York, I kept waiting for the table to slide off the edge and all four of them fall off the patio and slip into a reservoir, while they remain in their seats, talking and giggling and saying rich, British people things at the bottom of the sea. A shark swims by and bites Ken's head off. 8. Carey: During the final five minutes of the show, Brandi mentions to Lisa that she and Carlton "made out" in a hot tub the previous day. They were having a deep discussion, and it "just happened!" Lisa says some lame thing about the ladies being "at each other's throats or down each other's throats." I can't wait for Elizy, Carlton's son's nanny, to drive her car through Brandi's living room in a jealous rage.
9. Eli: I believe that Carlton and Brandi are lesbians about as much as I believe cats are asparagus. 10. Eli: A final pattern I noticed in this episode was all of the different housewives picking up pet poop or doing something menial for their children and then saying in their confessional, "Yup, this is my 'glamorous' life!" before braying like donkeys. Yeah, pretty much everybody who owns a pet picks up its shit, but most of those people don't throw that shit in a gold trashcan and then drive a Bentley to Barney's to buy more rings.