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10 Observations On Last Night's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

We've asked Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, to share their ten thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams with us after watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills every week. Join us for a recap, won't you?

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1. Carey: New BFFs Carlton and Brandi go to a dirty lingerie store, that I'm pretty sure was called "Dirty Lingerie". Whoever owns it wants people to feel like they're in a Cash for Gold shop/prison visitor hours or something, because the lady at the front desk buzzes the door open. OOOk. They try on lingerie and giggle and clank their bones and giggle more, and clank more. "We like to play," Carlton says of Brandi, grinning, her eyes slightly shifting to the side. The powers that be have decided to oppress us with this growing, faux-bisexual innuendo between Brandi and Carlton. So I guess we have to endure this. But hey, I could be way off. Maybe they are attracted to each other. Carton tells Brandi she should write down all her requirements for an ideal male mate, and then bury them with one of Carlton's crystal, energy ball under a full moon. WITCH!!! Brandi's like, "Yeah, def." Elizy, Carlton's son's nanny, waited in her parked car outside the road from lingerie store. Cross slept in the car seat with a pacifier in his mouth. Slouching into her seat, she watched as Carlton and Brandi left the store with bags of lingerie in hand, and laughing and laughing and laughing. A single tear ran down her right cheek, and she drove off down Sunset. Carlton looked across the road, seeing Elizy's car speed away. She smiled. The sun was late and looked like winter. Elizy felt cold and tired, like she did when she lived in Maine. She'd never go back there, though, She'd never go back.

2. Eli: Surprise, surprise, Carlton's hinting at bisexuality.  I've known people like Carlton, who are very worried that they're boring people, so they develop interests in the most "shocking" things they can find. I'm not boring! Look how weird and dark my house is!  Maybe I like girls, ooh, how risky! Would a boring person have a kid named Mysteri? I don't think so! Carlton's the girl in high school who would carve the word "DEATH" into her desk, but only if people were watching her. We get it, Carlton. You're "the weird one." You don't need to try so hard.

Screen Shot 2013-11-26 at 4.56.58 PM.png3. Carey: Loopy Kim! Loopy Kim! The horns cue. Doot-doot-doot-doot, doot-doot-doot-doot-doo. Loopy Kim skips along the sidewalk with her lunch pail. She sees an elderly man waiting at a bus stop and stops in front of him. He stares ahead, catatonic.
"Hey! Mister!" She yells with her hands on her hips.
"I'm tryin'  ta find my way home! Can ya help?" Kim asks.
Without breaking his trance, he slowly raises his right arm and points to the building behind him. Kim looks up, reading the big sign out front.
"Cir-ckee Sch-oo-elle? CIRCUS SCHOOL! Hey! Thanks, mister! Thanks a lot!" She runs past him, her lunch pale hitting him over the head. He falls off his bench.
Kim excitedly checks out a "Cirque School" which is a training ground of acrobats in Cirque de Soleil and other overpriced shows. Kim had to do some acrobatic stunts when for the TV and movies she was in, so it's more of a nostalgic thing. That made me sad. She signs up the crew for a day of circus activities, hoping it'll be a light, fun outing that will alleviate the tensions that have already mounted. Poor Kim. She really tries. Ojai, Cirque School. God bless her.

4. Eli: I went to a circus camp (or rather, a camp that had a circus component) when I was being young and Jewish in high school. It was a lot of fun until I tried a frontflip on a mini-trampoline and kneed myself in the nose. I went to the first day of school with two black eyes, followed immediately by a splint over my nose. Which might have made me look badass, if I hadn't done it on a trampoline under the instruction of a man with a red afro.  My nose still clicks when I touch it. So yay for circuses.

Screen Shot 2013-11-26 at 5.03.10 PM.pngScreen Shot 2013-11-26 at 5.03.21 PM.png5. Carey: The best person in this episode was the waiter at the restaurant where Kyle, Mauricio, Joyce and Big Peen Husband eat. Kyle continues complaining about the women bringing up the Mauricio cheating rumors. Mauricio, somewhat drunk and slurring, says if those "bitches" want him to take a lie detector test right now, he would. I feel like anyone who says the ol' "lie detector" sentence is usually guilty. But, until proven, I will give Mauricio the benefit of the doubt. ANYWAY, the waiter! The waiter!!! This show in particular will sometimes feature a waiter taking a cast member's order for way too long. I'm assuming most of them are actors of some kind, or the restaurant asks the show to let them showcase a little slice of their menu, but it always ends up seeming like a scene in the movie The Room. This waiter has this monotonous, nasally voice, and when Kyle asks if she can get pizza, he says something like, "No, but you can get Grille Pizza" in French, obviously playing it up for the camera. Kyle is like, "Wait, what is that?" The waiter, embarrassed, says, "Oh, it's grilled pizza." "So, I can get pizza..." Kyle says. "Yes," he says. They all laugh and laugh. The waiter turns red, but smiles, humiliated. On his cigarette break, he went out to the back parking lot, sticking a knife in the tire of the first car he saw, realizing soon after that it was his own. He sighed smoke, staring off at the sad, orange LA lights, stretching out over the hills and out into the valley.

Screen Shot 2013-11-26 at 5.07.22 PM.png6. Eli: The interactions before they start the Cirque class I think demonstrate just how dysfunctional they are as a group. For an event that is supposed to be their "drama-free" day, literally within 30 seconds the entire group is in the midst of a verbal firefight, and have distinctly taken sides. Maybe you guys just shouldn't hang out anymore.

Screen Shot 2013-11-26 at 5.21.17 PM.png7. Carey: At the Cirque training, Brandi and Kyle start bickering about an incident where the paparazzi allegedly chased Brandi and her sons down in Calabassas (hey Kardash dolls) outside of something that looked like a Cheesecake Factory, to hound her about a comment that Kyle reportedly made where she called the leggy scarecrow a bully. Obviously, the paparazzi are maggoty scum that yell ridiculous things at celebs to try to piss them off, so I am almost 100% confident Kyle did not say this. But Brandi made it sound like she was Princess Di, getting chased down the freeway by the swarms of paps in their shitty cars, When they finally show us the "tape," it looks like it was filmed on someone in the Bravo film crew's camera phone, and they digitally added the TMZ logo on the bottom left.

8. Eli: Also, I seem to keep hearing non-stop about how someone is "rude" or "that's not how you treat people" or "she has no manners."  I'm starting to think that they just don't know what proper manners are.  The definition that's supported by most of these arguments is that "'manners' is letting me talk and never contradicting me."  Which sort of makes sense, since the majority of these women were born with a silver spoon in their mouth and most of the challenges in their life were wine stains on the seats of their birthday Lexus.  They all think they're the most important one in the group, which is not a recipe for fun hangouts.

Screen Shot 2013-11-26 at 5.11.24 PM.pngScreen Shot 2013-11-26 at 5.11.33 PM.png9. Carey: The big confrontation they kept advertising in this episode was in the last 8-10 minutes. The ladies head to a cabana-esque bar post-trapezee sesh. Kyle and Brandi start fighting again about the "bully" comment. Brandi says something about "Kyle's camp" scheming against her. Kyle's camp. OK. Time to go home, everyone. These women now have "camps." Then, out of nowhere, JOYCE! Joyce stands up and asks Lisa if she can speak with her in private, aka on the other side of the cabana. Lisa is like, "Um...ok." I was under the impression that Joyce was going to tell Lisa she should be standing up for her one time BFF Kyle more, but instead, brings up this story about how, at Carlton's luncheon from Hell, when all the ladies were playing/fixing each other's hair, Joyce went to move a strand that was in Lisa's face, and Lisa immediately pulled back and said, "No, please don't." Joyce felt that was RUDE RUDE RUDE! I don't like Lisa, but I have to say, I understand her shock over this. WHAT THE FUCK??? Lisa, slowly realizes how insane this woman is, and apologizes for her faux faux pas. We can now welcome Joyce as the newest member on the Board of No Credibility on a Reality Show Where Your Credibility Was Already Suspect.

Screen Shot 2013-11-26 at 5.30.52 PM.png10. The most telling part of this episode was when they were performing a exercise where two people jump while the other two roll under them. Laughing, they all say "I don't trust any of these bitches!"  Even though they're laughing like it's a joke, none of them will do it.  If my friend offers me a ride and I say "In that deathtrap?," if I still get in, it was a joke, but if I say that and still don't get in, I'm just an asshole. 

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