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"The Grand High Witch of Malibu:" 10 Observations On the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-season-4-gallery-episode-403-01.jpg1. CAREY:  Brandi gets completely naked in front of her fellow former model BFF, Jen. Jen was on a lot last season, and is completely sober and usually the only voice of reason when the women are arguing. Brandi lowers herself into the bath like a cartoon cat digging its nails into a wall as it slips down slowly. They talk about J.R., Brandi's real estate broker and quasi-boyfriend, who Brandi wants to cut ties with. She is like, "We should break up for real!" and Jen is like, "Yeah, you're both completely dysfunctional and it's not healthy" and Brandi is like, "But we have hot make up sex!" and Jen is like, "Wow, why did I agree to do this. I'm really uncomfortable." Then Brandi submerged herself underwater, and woke up naked in the middle of a forest with neon, glowing blue trees and visible wind that drips a foamy substance. You see, Brandi always forgets that she is a trans-dimensional traveler, and her bath tub is a portal. "Not again!" She laughs. *Cue theme music* She's Trans-Dimensional Brandi! *Brandi looks at screen, freezes in a shrug*

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.25.24 PM.pngJen.

2. ELI:  This sort of thing is exactly what breaks my heart... I guess, in our modern world, the fairy tale of the boot cut-jeaned real estate broker and magic-titted reality show star just doesn't exist anymore.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.26.49 PM.png3. CAREY: 
We get to know Joyce a little better this episode. I can already tell that Bravo sees her as just a filler until they find someone more insane and mean for next season. She seems nice, though! Her lil' vignette has her driving around LA with "Ivette", the "current Queen of the Universe" a possibly fake beauty pageant Joyce created. Joyce talks about herself, how she was working at a fast food restaurant that I know forget, and got offered a modeling gig right there. She worked her way out of Puerto Rico and headed to LA to pursue a life as Vivian Ward from Pretty Woman. No, really. Joyce got a room at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and went broke because that was her favorite movie and she wanted to be just like Roberts's famous prosti-heroine, minus the prosti part. She takes Ivette to a jewelry store, the same store where Vivian gets snubbed in the movie, and Joyce is like, "It's the same place!! Isn't this faaaaaaaan?" It was kind of sad. Joyce has two young sons , Leyonardo and Valentino. Jesus. Without anyone asking, Joyce asserts that her blonde, more fair son is DEFINITELY hers! Which makes me think he might not be.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.27.59 PM.png4. ELI:  I like Joyce, but can I speak for us all when I say, just leak a photo of your husband's dick already.  It grows two inches every time she mentions it, and at this point I assume it looks something like a beige sleeping bag when flaccid.  Just accidentally tweet out a pic or something. We all need it, for context.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.29.29 PM.png5. CAREY: Were we supposed to just accept the existence of Yolanda's holistic witch doctor house call? Yolanda, still in recovery from her Lyme Disease, which apparently almost killed her, has enlisted a portly bald man to come to her Temple of Lemons to shove an IV in her vein and pump some holistic remedy into her blood. She's just kind of like, "Thanks, dude" and sits on her couch with an effing tube in her arm while she eats citrus fruits while she and Gigi talk about how she's leaving for college. Where are Yolanda's other children besides Gigi? "Stay in your rooms till da camera people leave. Ok?" Yolanda says into her an intercom that goes to both her other daughter and youngest son's individual rooms. "Bye now," She says again. Gigi is going to school in New York, where she'll continue modeling while studying criminal psychology. I'm sure this was inspired by her suspicion of the several corpses buried in Yolanda's lemon garden. "She knows." Yolanda says to her husband David Foster in a text.

6. ELI: I feel like combining holistic medicine and an IV sort of goes against the whole thing. It's not like it's difficult to get Vitamin C into your body in a variety of other ways.  For me, at least, if I ever use holistic medicine, it's sort of a "why not" move, in the way of "Well, what's the worst rubbing these leaves on my calf is going to really do."  However, once things start going straight into your bloodstream, I feel like I want those things to come from a laboratory, and be very carefully constructed on a molecular level.  I'm not as gung-ho about somebody pumping ginger root into my circulatory system.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.34.05 PM.pngGleb and Lisa.
7. CAREY:  I guess I'll just mention Vanderpump the Charlatan getting voted off from Dancing With The Stars ONLY because her fake-fainting moment is going to be a catalyst for bickering at Carlton's nightmare lunch. Lisa gets interviewed with dancing partner "Gleb" and is told that a lot of viewers believed she should get a Razzie for her clearly orchestrated pass-out. Lisa says, "As long as my friends support and believe me, that's all that matters." Well, they don't. Even Brandi, Lisa's pet. She, Kyle, Kim, and Joyce have a laugh about it on the way over to lunch at Carlton's castle.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.35.03 PM.png
8. ELI: Carlton's castle is one of the most weirdly decorated places I've ever seen.  It's one of those things that is supposed to be dark and foreboding, but just doesn't fully carry the energy.  The whole vibe is very Aleister Crowley, by way of SkyMall.  I feel like, looking at Carlton's house, I finally found the person who will buy that weird glass-eyed zombie statue that's always being advertised.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.37.07 PM.png Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.37.18 PM.png9. CAREY:  CARLTON!!!!!!!! Finally! So much happened during Carlton's boozy brunch that I can't even begin to try and cover it all. I'm just going to state my theory about the English Wiccan/Satanist/Blood Orgier. Basically, I believe Carlton and Kyle have been at war for centuries. They are reincarnated over and over again in order to destroy each other, over and over again. Kyle doesn't realize this yet, but WILL SHORTLY! Cartlon shows the women her vast, mismatched castle, her literal Confessional booth, her bed that could sleep 20 (and probably doesn't frequently), her collection of dolls:

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.36.57 PM.pngCarlton admits that she's been practicing Wicca since the age of seven, that her grandmother was a psychic, and that she *used* to practice black magic. She says she surrounds herself *only* with beautiful women, notably her young son's nanny, Lizzy, a beautiful, young blonde, who Carlton hired because she only wants her son to be around beautiful women. You KNOW Lizzy was hired off a Craigslist post. Don't get too comfortable, Lizzy! There will be a new post soon after Carlton drains you of her life force and beauty and sends you out wandering around downtown L.A., people mistaking you for a senile elderly woman. Either that or they are turned into the sad looking dolls she collects. "I can imagine those dolls walking around the house at night," Kim says. Yes, Kim. Me too.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.40.53 PM.pngLizzy and Carlton.

Carlton already begins to build her army against Kyle. She knows Joyce and Kim are lost causes. Carlton sets her eyes on Yolanda, who falls immediately for Carlton's spell, believing she feels a kinship and magnetism to the Grand High Witch of Malibu. She also starts to work over Brandi, laughing at all of her crude, unintelligent quips, seething with envy over Brandi's beauty and youthful appearance. She doesn't even try to be subtle about her resentment of Kyle, which inspires the other women to get their digs in on the former queen bee. Brandi and Yolanda bring up the cheating rumors about Kyle's husband Mauricio, which Lisa adds, "There's no smoke without fire."  OHHHHH, LISA. Lisa was waiting for that. I'm not sure if Carlton will be able to convert Lisa fully, but I think Lisa will play both sides of this obvious division, for when she gets threatened by the powerful newcomer, and when she gets bored and wants to be a mean old lady to Kyle.

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.42.55 PM.pngScreen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.43.04 PM.pngLater that afternoon, Carlton stood on the balcony outside her bedroom, watching the other women walk into their cars and drive off into the amber, wet haze of pre-dusk in L.A. Lizzy walked out, embracing Carlton from behind.  "It's begun," Carlton whispers.

10. ELI:  In Carlton's basement, she presses a discolored stone in the wall and a passageway forms.  Inside, surrounded by candles, are a collection of photos of Kyle's different body parts, cut out and arranged into a rough, distorted full-body replica.  Picking up a small scrap of wood, Carlton lights and extinguishes the end.  She slowly draws a rune on Kyle's left hand, leaves it, and then smudges the ash off.  Elsewhere, in the car, Kyle feels her left side go numb for just a second.

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