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Preemptively Grading This Year's Super Bowl Commercials

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Though the Giants-Patriots rematch is pretty exciting, thank god for Super Bowl commercials to liven things up when football time is keeping the action at a snail's pace.  Several have already leaked, including the return of Ferris Bueller in a Honda spot, and we've graded ten of the big ones.  Disagree with our assessments?  Write your comments down below!





Title: "Transactions"

Product: Acura

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, The Soup Nazi, Jay Leno

Grade: B We're a major Seinfeld fan (and so is Eli Manning!) so this one receives extra points for the Soup Nazi cameo.  It's entertaining and lively with a real plot hook but, frankly, Jerry was always the weakest of the four on the show and some of his jokes fall flat.





Title:
"King's Court"

Product:
Pepsi

Starring:
Elton John, Melanie Amaro and Flavor Flav

Grade: B+
Elton John as a tyrannical king is priceless and the ad also gets bonus points for the elaborate costumes.  Those aside, what sealed the deal was the ingenious addition of Flavor Flav--we won't spoil where he pops up but we will say it's pretty damn funny.




Title:
"2012"

Product:
Chevy Silverado

Starring:
No big name actors

Grade: B-
The Mayan Apocalypse meme is overplayed though we did get a kick out of the idea that after the end of the world, the only think left is a few guys, a Chevy and twinkies.  (Hey, wait a minute, maybe this would've been a better ad for Twinkies!) 





Title:
"The Dog Strikes Back"

Product: Volkswagen Beetle

Starring: Bolt the Dog and
Darth Vader

Grade: B
Clydesdales were so aughts; in 2012, say "hello" to your new favorite corporate spokesperson animal, Bolt the Dog.  Watching the pooch try to loose his, er, pooch on the treadmill was adorable but the Star Wars surprise at the end didn't make a lot of sense.  It was fun pretty random and, unlike some of the other commercial cameos, didn't relate to the rest of the earlier storyline.  


 



Title:
"Matthew's Day Off" a.k.a. "Ferris Bueller's Day Off Commercial"

Product:
Honda CR-V

Starring: Matthew Broderick


Grade: A-
We said it before and we'll say it again: this could've been really cheesy but Matthew Broderick & Co. did a great job.  (Then again, maybe we're just a sucker for the movie and would basically watch a Ferris Bueller-themed Local Access infomercial.)  Beachfront tai chi, a contemplative walrus and Chinese karaoke were nice little moments but the real zinger was the Valet Guy 2.0--a classic. 

 




Title:
"Vampire Party"

Product:
Audi S7

Starring:
No big-name actors

Grade: C+
Okay, once you realize that they're promoting Audi's new LED lights, this one is pretty clever but clever doesn't always equate interesting.  We get that vampires are so totally in and the actors are attractive but ultimately it's not as attention-grabbing as some of the other auto ads where they shelled out $$$ for washed up celebs.





TItle:
"The Catch"

Product:
Coca-Cola

Starring:
Digital polar bears

Grade: B-
This one gets an extra boost by alleging that Coca-Cola execs will be on-hand at the Super Bowl to make a final decision about which of two versions will air...though from this ad, we're not sure why.  It's not clear what situation could change--does the polar bear drop the bottle?--but the graphics are cute and Coke always tends to play it a little safer than Pepsi anyway.    






Title: "Adriana Lima"

Product:
Teleflora

Starring: Adriana Lima

Grade: C
Adriana Lima looks stunning and every heterosexual male will be putting down their beers so as to give Lima their full attention when she comes on-screen but ultimately there's nothing terribly exciting about the ad.  "Guys: give your gal some flowers on Valentine's Day and she'll, um, reciprocate."  We get it.  





Title: "Green Hell'

Product: Cadillac ATS

Starring: No actors

Grade: C- There's not a whole lot to say about this one other than that it's your run-of-the-mill, glossy car commercial...we know Big Auto is still recuperating but we wanted more from you, Cadillac!  If you're going to spend this much money to buy an ad slot, can't you have, I don't know, David Hasselhoff driving the car?





Title: "It's Reinvented"

Product:
Toyota Camry

Starring:
No big name actors

Grade: A
Of the commercials already leaked, this one's our favorite.  It has all the right elements and doesn't even have any famous people!  Sexual exploitation is never funny when it's equal opportunity sexual exploitation, we totally had a weird déjà vu moment with that lady in the DMV scene and we really want a Lionel Richie-playing blender.




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