Each Monday, Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, will be recapping the Real Housewives of New Jersey for us. Below, their first installment. Carey: The Ocean receded, leaving behind its stains of salt, hardened sand, blanketing the collapsed ceilings of broken houses surrounding the bay; blanketing scattered patio furniture in places patio furniture should not be. Yes, Season 5 of Real Housewives of New Jersey has started out on a genuinely somber note, with footage of Hurricane Sandy's rampage on the New Jersey shoreline. But as Teresa Giudice, always the optimist, notes while standing in the foyer of her partially destroyed beach house: "Thank God this is only my second home."
Eli: That question that leaves us all paralyzed in our bed with fear, nervous sweats soaking our sheets: "What if I only owned one home?" What will I do now if I get tired of living in a palatial house filled with everything I need? What will I do if I suddenly want to be in a smaller house, with LESS stuff? The only option is clear: to dive off the Empire State building into a kiddie pool filled with steak knives and thrash the pain away. Shore house or regular house? We're dealing with a regular "Teresa's Choice" here. As another character mentioned, "I can't believe this is happening in AMERICA." He could be seen on the eve of Sandy, throwing handfuls of money at the hurricane to appease it. "Back away you!" he screamed to the heavens, his tears getting all over the bills. I mean hurricanes, that's some third-world shit, am I right?
Carey: It seems that in this version of the world, hurricanes are only for poor people. During one discussion between Jacqueline and her sister-in-law Caroline while seated at Jacqueline's vast kitchen table-their bodies dwarfed by chairs that were apparently built to accommodate Yetis, Jacqueline says in earnest sympathy, "I know so many people who lost their second homes." Like most natural disasters, the hurricane was simply a narrative arch for reality shows on Bravo. Transitioning from the wreckage of one of the most horrific storms in history, we move to the even larger disaster: the Giudice & Gorga saga.Eli: We find the two clans recovering in their homes, which are less homes and more elaborate cave systems with mirrors all over them. They're gathering donations for the victims, and judging by their selections, the Red Cross is HURTING for sequins right now. As Teresa says, people who've gone through these sort of disasters need "glamorous and beautiful clothing", which is a cute euphemism for clean water and food. But before I can mop up my apartment floor from the river of tears and vomit I've emitted over the Giudice's generosity, we're introduced to the Ballad of the Star-Crossed Play-Pals. Because of the family's warring, Milania and Antonia are just two young girls, adrift in the sea on icebergs as cold as the glares I imagine Teresa and Melissa practice in the mirror in case they run into each other at a WaWa or necklace store.
Carey: If there is one thing the Giudice and Gorga clans like to constantly remind us of, it's how they are related. "Joe is my brother," Teresa says, of her brother, Joe, who later will say, "Teresa is my sister," about his sister, Teresa, who is also the sister-in-law of Melissa, the wife of Joe, who is Teresa's brother. Because Teresa, the sister of Joe, and Joe, the brother of Teresa, are brother and sister, their children are cousins. Milania and Antonia are cousins. They also both have four syllables in their names. They are sweet and young and have bad handwriting, like most kids who are sweet and young do. They also LOVE to play with each other. Because their parents are feuding (That's Joe, the brother of Teresa, who is the sister of Joe, if you were lost) their play dates are limited. Poor Milania and Antonia! Sometimes they talk to each other at night through tin cans tied to either end of a string running the distance of their respective crypt-homes. When their mothers discover their makeshift cell phones, they use Old Morse code by flashing their iPads from their bedroom windows. One day at School for Young and Sweet Children with Bad Handwriting, Antonia writes a letter to Milania, telling her that she misses her and wants to play. Melissa doesn't see any harm in setting up a hang sesh between the two little girls. After all, they are cousins, who are also the children of Teresa and Joe, who are brother and sister. She has Antonia address an envelope and slaps it on the mail-mule to head across the frozen forest to the Giudice mausoleum. 
Eli: I think it's safe to say there has been no relationship in the entirety of the existence of the human race put through the struggle of Antonia & Milania. All poor Antonia wants is someone to do her hip-hop with, but she must hip-hop alone, with only a cardboard cut-out of Will Smith from Hitch to show off her moves to. The families begin to negotiate the terms of the play date. The way this is done is that one mother will send the other mother a text, that mother will read it, make an unpleasant face, and then have a very vague conversation with the nearest cast member about the tense nature of the situation until their head begins spinning and white noise emits from their mouth. It seems every strategy Teresa, sister of Joe tries fails, from texting while drunk on red wine, and letting her 12-year-old text Melissa instead. Now, if I have complex problems with my familial relationships, I can at least cross red wine and 12-year-olds off the list as solutions. Also, Caroline has now ascended to her seat as Mahatma Caroline, trying to help Joe sort this out with steepled fingers and a caring nod that would make a metronome jealous. She says she made a promise to herself not to get involved, the same way I promise myself I'll go running or not eat an entire pizza. Jacqueline's stance on the Great Divide was that it was as high on her priority list as bleaching her asshole, which would make more sense if she didn't look like she could be the woman who invented bleaching your asshole. Then there was a Carrabba's commercial that I thought was still part of the show.
Carey: This entire season premiere may as well have been one long Carrabba's commercial. After the back-and forth, the cousin play date is finally set! Milania and Antonia are finally brought together! Melissa and Teresa bring them to a "beadery" to make fun necklaces and bracelets together. Teresa thinks Melissa is micro-managing her daughters bead-making, and then gives her niece a belated birthday gift, an iPhone 5, to which Melissa says "Oh, Antonia has an iPhone 4, though." Other than that, Caroline and her husband Albert are considering downsizing from their suburban mansion to a lofty Hoboken apartment that overlooks the Hudson. They've rented the apartment for the entire year as a "trial run", so now Caroline has a new place to mutter tired sayings about loyalty and talk about her sons. Kathy (the cousin of Teresa, and Joe, who are brother and sister) is still light and charming, and still uncertain of why she's on this show in the first place. She is also now a spokesperson for a weight loss procedure where your fat is frozen, and she appears in awkward, grainy TV commercials for it. Kathy's one scene in the episode thankfully features her truly delightful sister Rosie, who will probably have a spin-off show someday. Kathy wants Rosie, who is a lesbian (also the cousin of Teresa and Joe, who are brother and sister) to date more. Kathy suggests that Rosie should start using "social media that caters to gays and lesbians." Kathy is v. chill with social media and lesbians!
Eli: Their time spent in the beadery echoed some of the tenser hostage exchanges I've seen. I was waiting the whole time for one mom to throw sand in the other's eyes and take off with both children. As they stood out in the parking lot, they were ordered to "Give Hugs!" Which sounds like something the dictator of a country made out of pillows would say. Then Melissa and Antonia drove off in a Bentley, which is slightly subtler than driving a giant middle finger around. I think, in all, we can all support the advice of Caroline when she says, "Don't you be us" to her children. Also excited about Tyler Perry's Don't You Be Us, coming soon. My favorite part of this episode was the promo for Watch What Happens Live! where Teresa inexplicably starts doing push-ups for the studio audience, who I imagine threw her small bread crusts and trinkets, which she gathered with her admittedly toned arms.
Carey: More to come next week, but for now, go to a Macaroni Grill and watch someone spend way too long deciding on a wine.
