Dear Mr. Mickey,I recently started dating a guy who I really like and we're planning to go on a cross-country trip together. We're going to be spending a lot of quality time together in a tiny car. What are your tips for making sure our getaway goes well and doesn't turn into relationship roadkill?
Signed,
-- On the Road Romance
Dear On the Road,
Mr. Mickey's advice is this: fly. Of course Mr. Mickey jests. With a little communication, understanding and water-based lubricant a good relationship can withstand any test. The first thing to do is sit down and make a list of everything you can think of that has annoyed you on previous road trips, or even annoying things that you've seen in road trip movies. Maybe you're the type who likes to drive in silence while listening to some pompous gasbaggy talk radio. Or maybe you like to speed down the highway like a bat out of hell blaring blood-curdling death metal music. These are the kinds of things that can really kill your road trip buzz if you're not on the same page as your travel partner. Talk to your main squeeze about what kind of music he likes, how long he likes to drive, if he likes to stop and visit roadside attractions and eat pecan log rolls at Stuckey's truck stops. Does he expect you to service him orally while he drives? If so, make sure your car doesn't have a stick shift. Also make sure you have some alcohol-free oral hygiene rinse in the glove box. If the idea of giving a hum job as you cruise through the Smoky Mountains is abhorrent to you it's best for that to be known before Mr. Man pops a boner outside of Chattanooga. The secret is to work out everything in advance and lay some ground rules for the basics. That way you won't hate each other's guts and can enjoy your trek across this fine land of ours.
Dear Mr. Mickey,
I know you're always jetting off to the latest go-to international hot spot. Where's the sexiest travel destination this summer?
Signed,
-- EasyJet Set
Dear Easy,
Mr. Mickey is afraid the clock is ticking on Montenegro being the hipster destination, so if you're planning on cruising the Adriatic you might need to head south to Albania. If you're an art nerd, you should head to the Bukovina region of Romania, famous for its painted monasteries. There isn't a Four Seasons hotel so it's not for fancy-pants types but it's totally unspoiled and non-touristy. Adventurous kids should head to Mozambique or Papua New Guinea and party types addicted to a global megalopolis might try Jakarta.
Dear Mr. Mickey,
I work in fashion PR for a very chic (but very judgy) firm that has a lot of out-of-the-office socializing. I recently met this hunky bear type and he's amazing in every way but one: he wears Crocs. All the time. I feel like such a shallow and awful person but is it too much to ask of him to ditch those clog monstrosities when we go to fabulous fashion fêtes?
Signed,
-- Croc Block
Dear Croc Block,
Does this bear treat you nice? Does he tell you you're sexy? If you can answer yes to both questions MM wonders why you would want to make him feel bad by ridiculing his (admittedly poor) footwear choices. The reason you're feeling awful and shallow about this is that you are being awful and shallow. Don't get Mr. Mickey wrong. He can be a snooty beeotch just like the next fashion-victimy gay. And it's good that you want to impress your co-workers and bosses. Still, the bear isn't the one who works for the snooty PR firm, so why should he play by their rules? Would it be better if he shoved his meaty tootsies into a stud-covered Louboutin? You just let your baby be himself and if any of your colleagues make comments about his footwear just tell them you choose your men based on the important things: cock size and the type of car he drives.