In this weekly column, MC/DJ Hesta Prynn pairs pop culture stories with an original playlist.
Everyone's got that friend of a friend at the BBQ who, just as you're picking up your juicy burger for that first delicious bite, says something like "ew, you're eating that?" That smug vegan is now me. My newfound veganism has ostracized me from my friends, has kept me up (starving) at night, and has left me standing, many times, before an open refrigerator wondering what the fuck I can actually eat. I feel the same way about being vegan as I do about Lana Del Ray songs - it's good for me and I love it, but I wish we had some more options to choose from. This week's edition of Five n Five is, in part, a cry for help. Will some more experienced vegans come to my rescue? I've outlined some of my new diet, along with my fave LDR remixes below.
Vegetable Juice: "Blue Jeans" (RAC Remix)
Have you seen Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead? Only watch it if you want to buy a juicer and hundreds of dollars in vegetables, have every surface of your house covered in bits of celery and pee red. I drink this daily. "You're so fresh to death..."
TVP: "Summertime Sadness" (Nick Warren Remix)
Texturized Vegetable Protein is a space-age meat alternative and it's what they made Morningstar Farms faux chicken nuggets out of. I eat these as a midnight snack regularly. Super-smug vegans will tell you how bad these are for you. "Nothing scares me anymore"
Kale Chips: "Born to Die" (Woodkid and the Shoes Remix)
If you're craving junk food in a totally bonkers crazy way you can sprinkle some salt and pepper on kale leaves and throw them in the toaster oven for fifteen minutes. This is what is called "kale chips" and vegans will swear up and down that they taste better than Pringles. "Come on, take a walk on the wild side"
Seitan: "Video Games" (Jamie Woon Remix)
Seitan or "mock duck" is another word for wheat gluten. It's grey, it's chewy, it's flavorless. I love this. I eat it on weekends at one of the three restaurants I go to. "It's better than I ever even knew"
White Wine: "Ride" (Active Child Remix)
It turns out that (organic) white wine is actually in line with the vegan lifestyle. Pour a little (organic) club soda in there and you've got a sprintzer -- who you calling a smug vegan now? "Every night I used to pray that I'd find my people, and finally I did..."