Sorry Downton Abbey, Laura Linney and Masterpiece Classics, but Girls returns this Sunday and we'll have to catch you on the DVR. We're even planning to take a break from the Golden Globes when 9 p.m. rolls around to catch up with our millennial crew who is almost kind of getting it together. In anticipation, we've refreshed where we last left our foursome and the dudes who love (like? like, love?) them, and make some predictions about where things could be heading next.
Hannah
Where we left her: Following an explosive fight with her boyfriend Adam, Hannah passed out on her F-train train ride home and woke up at the final Coney Island stop, robbed of her purse and her pride with only a piece of wedding cake in hand. She then proceeded to eat that cake alone on the beach.
Our predictions: Newly single and feeding off the energy of her new roommate, her gay ex-boyfriend Elijah, Hannah will have a new lease on life for a hot second. As glimpsed in previews, she's got herself a slew of suitors -- including Donald Glover and Patrick Wilson! -- and we predict this will give her a new sense of semi-false confidence. After a few run-ins with Adam, however, she'll return to her old habits and will end up in a decisive scene, crying in her bra and underwear in a Beacon's Closet changing room and back at square one.
Drinking game suggestion: It's too easy to drink every time Hannah gets naked. For a more difficult moment to spot, try to recognize Hannah's signature pouty frown. It looks like this:
Marnie
Where we left her: After a few episodes of chronicling the post-breakup downward spiral of self-assured, type-A Marnie, she cut loose and got drunk at the finale's surprise wedding, making out with SNL's Bobby Moynihan and eating cake with her hands. She also learned how to twerk to Lady's "Yankin." Changed woman.
Our predictions: The writers aren't finished breaking down this character before they build her up, so Marnie will have it rough for a bit longer. Already single and squatting at Shoshanna's apartment, she will likely be fired from her job and lose the last sense of security she has. Then she will be forced to work through her unresolved issues with ex-boyfriend Charlie and his new girlfriend, deal with a visit from her snippy mother (played by Rita Wilson), and get busy with the eye-rollingly sexual confident artist named BOOTH JONATHAN (played by Jorma Taccone). It's possible that in a weird "taste of your own medicine"-sort of way, she'll find out that Booth has only broken up with a long-term girlfriend a few days before they start hooking up and all of a sudden, she realizes she's not that different from Charlie's new flame, Audrey.
Drinking game suggestion: Marnie is the Miranda of this crew, although her cynicism tends to work more in her favor. Take a sip whenever she has something judgmental.
Jessa
Where we left her: Surprise! Jessa married the bizarre, mash-up loving venture-capitalist Thomas-John in an unexpected ceremony at the end of the season. She knows almost nothing about him, hates almost everything he does, and only seems intrigued by the fact that he "knows nothing." She also claims to now feel like an adult while on the toilet.
Our predictions: Jessa will quickly discover how little she and her new husband have in common after a few episodes of marital bliss. This can end up one of two ways: Jessa will abandon the relationship by embarking on a sexual roundabout or Thomas-John's polar opposite freakiness will make them a tumultuous and addictive pair who love to do it on the balcony of their apartment in the Edge.
Drinking game suggestion: Drink each time Jessa wears something that makes zero sense. Or, for that matter, any character.
Shoshanna
Where we left her: When we last saw America's Jewish little sister, her meltdown over wearing white to her cousin's surprise wedding won over the sarcastic Ray, who deflowered her at the end of the episode.
Our predictions: Nothing bad. Nothing bad can happen to Shoshanna. She is a bizarre, NYU-enrolled angel. We fell in love with her in the warehouse party episode when, after accidentally doing crack, she freaks out and starts running through the vacant industrial streets of Bushwick. In one scene you see her run by without her shoes on, in the next she's taken her skirt off and is wearing only her top and a pair of Spanx. Ray, if you hurt Shoshanna, we swear to God....
Drinking game suggestion: Drink whenever Shoshanna starts to nervously ramble.
Adam
Where we left him: After the tables turned and Adam finally confessed how much he cared for Hannah, he had to face the news that she wasn't ready to move in with him. Their resulting fight -- and break-up -- lead to everyone's favorite, complicated douchebag getting reamed by a truck. Moments before season one ended, we saw him on a stretcher inside an ambulance, yelling to the EMTs that Hannah was absolutely not allowed to come with him.
Our predictions: Hannah will be out and about having a great time and doing it with everyone, not thinking about Adam (but of course, thinking about him all of the time). Then she'll see him on the G train making out with his new girlfriend, who looks exactly like Hannah and all hell will break loose. He'll also be shirtless 83% of season two.
Drinking game suggestion: Drink any time Adam calls Hannah "kid."
Charlie
Where we left him: Frustratingly, Charlie probably showed the least growth during season one because it seemed like he basically traded in one bossy, alpha girlfriend for another. Still dating a girl who looks like she's permanently at Coachella, Audrey (played by Audrey Gellman, press secretary to Manhattan Borough president Scott Stringer and Dunham's real-life best friend), Charlie indicated that he's not over Marnie when he looked on forlornly while she made out with Bobby Moynihan during Jessa's quickie wedding.
Our predictions: Charlie will get dumped by Audrey for the same reasons he got dumped by Marnie and decide that he needs to do some soul-searching. He'll move to Buenos Aires for a while to "play music" and return newly-tanned and newly-confident...just in time to confuse Marnie once again at the very moment she's starting falling for someone new.
Drinking game suggestion: Drink every time Charlie gets bossed around by someone.
Ray
Where we left him: To our collective sigh of "thank fucking god," Ray successfully wooed Shoshanna -- at least for a night -- and does the dirty deed with her after Jessa's wedding.
Our predictions: He'll embark on one of the most confusing -- and entertaining -- relationships we've seen thus far on the show (which says a lot) with Shoshanna.
Drinking game suggestion: Drink every time Ray says something mean to Hannah.
Elijah
Where we left him: Elijah wraps up season one by agreeing to move in with Hannah and becoming her new roommate.
Our predictions: Elijah and Hannah get on swimmingly until Elijah breaks up with his sugar daddy boyfriend and can no longer pay his rent. In an ironic plot twist, Hannah now must spot him for a while with her Cafe Grumpy wages just as Marnie once did for her. This causes tension for an episode or two but eventually Elijah gets a job as an assistant to a P.R. dynamo played by Alan Cumming and co-habitation harmony is restored.
Drinking game suggestion: Drink each time Elijah calls one of the girls out for being self-centered and/or entitled.
