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All the posts on www.papermag.com.

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    Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 5.50.39 PM.png
    For the past week, Adult Magazinehas been down thanks to an Islamist hacker who goes by the name Abdellah Elmaghribi -- though dude obviously doesn't realize that it's, uh, not actually a porn site? 

    An easy mistake to make, but if you're familiar with Adult, you'll know it's more of a literary magazine themed around sex than a gallery of bumping-uglies. Though that evidently doesn't matter to Elmaghribi, seeing as how "Stop Porn Please!" is perched atop the long, skittering plea that's taken over the homepage. You know, the long-winded declaration about freedom and peaceful co-existence that also ironically proclaims, "we're fighting and we'll fight in each place where the individual freedom is threatened" -- unless you wanna write about sex and other Sharia-subversive topics, I guess. 

    Unfortunately though, this isn't the first time Elmaghribi has done this though, as he's apparently been linked to many other online attacks -- though TBH, we're a little scared if his new thing is secretly an anti-indie publication vendetta. Hide your NSFW posts.

    [h/tGawker]

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    gwyneth_2865872b.jpgYesterday, Gwyneth Paltrow took some time away from running her hands up and down the cold granite top of her kitchen island, to post this photo to the Instagram of her lifestyle company, GOOP.

    Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 7.54.36 PM.png
    OK, so a frightened intern probably posted it, and the photo itself was regramed from a rustic photographer/dedicated Gooper named Natalie Linch Chitwood, but the photo is Gwyn, through and through.

    "We want to see how you #goopgetaway," the photo says.

    The tent seems adrift; a wave of blood orange about to crash over it.

    "So far away," Gwyneth probably said, smiling at the photo. "I love it."

    This is EXACTLY where Gwyneth would take herself...or her children in the event of..something. This exact teepee, in these exact woods, with that exact blanched autumn sky.

    What would cause Gwynnie to want to flee though? What kind of catastrophe would drive GP to a #goopgetaway, here in this place of desolation.

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    Here are 5 (imagined) emergencies that would call for a #goopgetaway to this same tent.

    5. Exiling herself after upsetting water.
    In one GOOP post, Gwyneth referenced the experiments of Dr. Masuru Emoto, who claims that water literally has feelings. "In his experiments, Emoto poured pure water into vials labeled with negative phrases like 'I hate you' or 'fear'. After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallised under the microscope: It yielded grey, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals. In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like 'I Love You', or 'Peace' on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals."


    Naturally, if Gwyneth discovered she had upset the water she'd imported to her home(s), she could use this teepee as a place of exile, punishment

    "There is such thing as a wrong way to treat water," Gwyneth would write on a potential pre-exile GOOP post. "Now I must sit with myself as a means of amends."


    4. Vaginal steaming retreat.
    Earlier this year, GOOP urged its female followers to get their vaginas steamed. Gwyneth took to the site to praise the earthy-sounding treatment, stating that "It is an energetic release -- not just a steam douche -- that balances female hormone levels."

    Many places, including Women's Health, discredited this as 1%-er nonsense, but also detrimental to a woman's physical well-being. That's not going to stop Gwyneth! Even if it means retreating to the wilderness to a small, insulated teepee she's going to fucking do this. Gynos, be damned!

    3. Family fun foraging for food.

    Gwyneth has stated that her one wish is for her children to be in the sun every day, swimming, and "picking vegetables," like avocados. One fun #goopgetaway would be to send her kids on an "Outward Bound" type retreat. Basically, they're woken in the middle of the night, driven to this undisclosed teepee location, where they must work together to forage for food and water. The goal? Survive in a very artisanal way.

    "When you don't know what to do, just dig," Gwyneth tells them in a typed guide the children find taped to the side of the teepee.

    2. Transcending human consciousness.
    At a tech conference in 2014, Gwyneth spoke about the Internet, glibly relating the criticism she reads about herself to being in war. "It's almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing," she said. She then added, "My hope is, as we get out of it, we'll reach the next level of consciousness."

    Gwyn can start with this teepee. Meditating, steaming, writing, chanting inside until she reaches this new plane of self.
    "The point is to feel as empty as a freshly made mason jar, still warm from the open flame," Gwyneth scrawls in her journal at dawn.

    1. Gwyneth's mother, Blythe Danner, wearing a huge, floppy sun hat and faintly singing "One a penny, two a penny..." to herself while holding a brown grocery bag filled to the brim with potatoes.
    Reasonable!

    Mother-Blythe-Danner-Begged-Gwyneth-Paltrow-to-Make-It-Work-with-Chris-Martin.jpg





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    Dissident Chinese artist Ai Weiwei has just announced a deal with Crown Publishing Group for his forthcoming memoir -- and it's bound to be a shocker.

    Due to be released in 2017, the book will reportedly focus on his longtime work as a human rights and privacy advocate, as well as how his own father's legacy affected his work as both an artist and activist.

    "I write about my father, his generation, and my own experience, our struggle for individual freedom and self-expression in this old society," Ai wrote in an official statement. "The history of totalitarianism is one characterized by the state's continuous attempts to destroy individual memories." Stay tuned for more information.


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    rs_600x600-151016041524-600.one-direction-perfect-single.101615.jpg"Perfect," the second single from One Direction's Made in the A.M. (out November 13), is out now. It's an intense, compact pop song written by Louis and Harry Styles that's still pretty strong given that the band might be breaking up. It's also directed to someone who is "looking for someone to write [their] breakup songs about." Hmmm... we wonder who that could be.


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    For our October 'Nowstalgia' issue, on stands 10/20, we asked three rap icons to pay tribute to lost leaders of the game. Read Kendrick Lamar's piece on Eazy-E and Eminem's story about Tupac.

    biggie_hip_hop_leaders.jpgPhoto by Chi Modu

    I remember when I was 16 or 17 years old and I was with my Uncle Darin, one of the founders of Ruff Ryders, and he was hanging around Diddy at that time and he was like, "Puff's got this new artist named Big that's gonna be crazy." I remember them playing a freestyle and I was like, "Wow. He sounds hungry." That's what I kept saying, "He sounds hungry."

    With Big, you could hear that hunger and how much he wanted that opportunity to show the world how great he is. He had a witty hunger to his voice -- he was witty with his flow and his words and the way he played with lines and verses, but you could still hear a kid that wants to do bigger and amazing things with his creative side.

    And along with his talent, what was special about Big, and what he was doing at the time, was that he had marketing genius behind him -- Diddy. Puff was one of the big guys at that time and one of the only big guys at that time that came from the streets. So when Puff got behind Big, his buzz amplified. Puff would go into these clubs and you had these records and there were promotional teams and campaigns like the one they did with him and Craig Mack -- "B.I.G. Mack."  The marketing helped put Big where he needed to be, way beyond the mixtapes and freestyling and battle rapping on the corners and stuff. Puff would put Big onto Versace or put him onto a Bentley, because Puff was already out of the streets by that point and already out there doing different things and having major deals with Clive Davis.  And so he was able to show Big, "Ok, take this street stuff that people want to connect with you on, and put it with this Versace shirt and these Versace glasses and Versace shoes, and we're going to show people that it's okay to be from the ghetto and still make it and be rich and have fun." Puff was marketing and doing parties and Big was on the block and so when you put those two things together, it was a very exciting, exciting, exciting thing to see.

    swizz_hip_hopleaders.jpgPhoto by Dan Monick

    His music was honest. He was able to be serious, but he could also have fun and he could rap over R&B samples but still maintain his stance, which is very hard in hip-hop. It's easy to be categorized as, "Oh, this person rapped on an R&B song -- they're soft." He didn't care. He got on that 112 record and he made that record bigger than it was and it made him bigger than he was. He understood that very quick. What Big had was the ability to be diverse. And a lot of New York artists aren't diverse. And even if they are, they're stuck in their ways. They're too cool to really understand how important it is to be diverse in music. Big understood that very quickly because he had the right guidance around him to say,  "Listen, when you get on this 112 record, you're going to appeal to the female group audience and that's who buys records." It was very strategic on how he was moving.

    And when I think of Big, I think of great stories. So when I'm writing something for someone, or vibing with someone, I think, "What would Big do? How would Big say it?" Because Big had a lot of melodies. He was taking his time. He was playing with it. I use Big as a reference of having control of your song and owning it and being witty with it and creative with it.
    I wish I had had more time to be around him, because back then I was on heavy, heavy, heavy grind in the studio and never really coming up, but I know the last time I saw him was in Atlanta and he was in a Suburban, and I remember coming out of the club and my uncle saying, "Oh, here goes Big!" And Big told me, "What's up little man? I see you doing your thing. I hear you with those beats out there, we gotta get in [the studio]. We gotta work on something." And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." And he was like, "I ain't know you was doing all those records." I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it." That was the last time I saw him. I'm like, "Man, I was almost in the studio with him. I almost had a Big track."
     
    He was a true pioneering king and game-changer for the East Coast and worldwide. His legacy is legendary. Legendary, legendary, legendary. It's something that's going to be around forever -- like Michael Jackson's legacy.



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    Variety reports that Ryan Seacrest will executive produce a multi-cam sitcom literally titled Squad Goals, which will apparently be about "a group of late 20-something friends who met in college and realize it's time to finally grow up," which is... different... from New Girl/Friends/Happy Endings/How I Met Your Mother/pretty much every terrible network sitcom... how? And, of course, since Squad Goals is going to be on CBS and will be executive produced by Seacrest, it's safe to say it will continue the whitewashing and bland-ening of #SquadGoals and most social media trends. Like, it's not even being produced by Taylor Swift! (And she's the queen of whitewashing #SquadGoals.) We'll take the "Squad Goals" tampon, thanks.


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    BFA_1445009461_1398978.jpg
    photo by Max Lakner/BFA

    "The best worst movie ever made" is getting a rework by none other than James Franco.

    That's right, apparently Franco is a big Tommy Wiseau fan, so dude's working on a "making of" re-enaction film chronicling The Room's infamous journey to the silver screen alongside Seth Rogen and Dave Franco. Tentatively dubbed The Disaster Artist, it's an adaptation of a book by actor Greg Sestero (who played Mark), which chronicles the alleged behind-the-scenes shitshow -- though TBH we're more interested to see how Franco channels Wiseau, long hair, shades and all.

    And while filming for Franco's film doesn't start till December, you still tide yourself over by watching a Cinema Sins chroncile of the actual Room below.


    [h/t Dazed


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    Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 11.47.56 AM.png[Photo by Patrick Leung via]

    As a slew of new producers come on the scene each year, Toronto-based, Paris-raised beatmaker Stwo has found his footing with an undeniable advantage: the opportunity to collaborate with industry giant Noah "40" Shebib, Drake's right-hand man and co-founder of OVO Sound, on a regular basis. A rare chance came Stwo's way when 40 threw the weight of his support behind him, signing the 23-year-old to his publishing company and taking him on as a protégé in what Stwo describes as a "really chill and trusting relationship." With viral earworms including "Lovin U," official remixes such as Majid Jordan's "Her" and Kehlani's "Runnin'," and a new EP called Distant, out late November, Stwo's star is only on the rise. Not to mention his SoundCloud page, 165,000 fans strong, is followed by the likes of current electronic music heavyweights Disclosure and Flume.

    Yet another validation of Stwo's talent comes from musician and part-time Twitter philosopher, Jaden Smith, who premiered "Haunted," the first single from Distant, this past weekend on his Beats 1 radio show MSFTS Frequency. Smith deemed it "the most beautifulicious song of the week" and praised Stwo as "a freaking genius on another freaking level." Amidst all this, we caught up with this Stwo while he was on tour with Chicago rapper Mick Jenkins to discuss studio sessions with Drake's famously discreet beatsmith, what to expect from the EP, and the definitive pronunciation of his moniker.

    How long have you been making beats and what got you started?

    I think I started making beats like four years ago when I was 18 or 19 and I just started because I used to play bass in a band, and since I can't write music and I can't read it, it was hard for me to tell my friends the way I was seeing the music so I just thought about a way for me to make my own music by myself and not having to tell people, "You should do that." So I just bought a computer and I started making music. And yeah, since then, that's all I've been doing, every day.

    What was your upbringing like? Did you have musical influences?

    All my dad's family's side make music somehow. Like my granddad played piano, my dad played guitar and piano, some people sing, too, so I've always been around music. I grew up listening to a lot of funk and disco because my dad loves it and my dad would always play it when I'd be around, but he'd never teach me because he learned everything by himself, so he was like, "I did it myself, so you gotta do it yourself," which I respect. And every time I'd be like, "Can you explain to me how to play this chord?" he's like, "No, just try and you'll see." So I've been doing everything by myself but yeah, it's pretty much my dad who put me on to music and even now, he's still the one who supports me. He's the one who told me, "You can quit school and just do [music]." Because I feel like he's kind of living through me, like what I'm doing right now. My dad has been a huge influence on everything I did. I still make beats with him. Even for my EP he helped me and my next project, he helped me for some tracks.

    What can we expect from the new EP?

    It's been a long time since I dropped anything. My last project was called "92," it was just a beat tape for any rappers who wanted to try something, it was really inspired by all the OVO Sound, because I really loved [Drake's] "Nothing Was The Same" album so I was in that mood at that time and I was trying to make some stuff that would sound like 40.
     
    There's so many things going on with SoundCloud and there's so many new producers that I didn't really know what I wanted to do anymore, music-wise, because I felt like everybody was doing the same thing. So I got pretty uninspired for a long time for my own music, I was just focusing on those beats for rappers so it would be a way for me to get away and not think about it. But somehow I got back into it and I made a lot of different projects that I'd always end up being like, "Ugh, I don't like it any more." But I think this one is getting there -- like, it's not what I want, but it's getting closer. It's nine tracks and  it's more experimental, I guess. There's tracks where I try to sing and there's tracks where I play all the instruments, so there's tracks that will sound like '70s rock or hip-hop...I'm just trying a lot of different things on this one and we'll see how people react to some tracks, because I want to drop something else after that pretty soon, like another little EP and I might just see what track they like the most from this release that I'm going to drop and maybe focus on that sound.

    How'd you first connect with 40?

    Before I dropped the "92" project, the one with all the Drake-inspired beats, 40 followed me on Twitter, and back then, I didn't really know who he was...I mean I knew, but I didn't know how important he was. So I was just like, "Wow, he seems important." And I was really in that Drake Nothing Was The Same high, like I was listening to the album every day, so it was crazy. But I didn't message him or anything. I didn't want to be like, "Thanks for the follow, man," or something. So I waited like two weeks and then he hit me up and he just told me that he really liked my music and he wanted me to send him some more stuff that I didn't release, just beats. I sent him the "92" release before I dropped it and...he's super busy, but I wanted him to tell me the day after that he liked it but it took him, like, two months. So I dropped it for free, I didn't even wait. And eventually two months after he got back to me and he told me that he wanted to sign me to his publishing agency, Alice Island, and he wanted me to come to Toronto to help him work on some stuff, so I moved. I didn't even think about it twice, I just moved to Toronto and met him. I've been in Toronto seven months now and I go to the studio as much as I can.

    I feel like he's my mentor right now, like he's trying to teach me everything about the industry. It's not just about music; I feel like he knows so much and he's a really good teacher and every time I have a question he always takes time to answer me and gives me so much advice about pretty much everything a 23-year-old producer would love to have, so it's the craziest opportunity that's happened to me so far with the music since I started. And yeah, we're still learning, but I feel like we have a trusting relationship already and he's introduced me to all the people he's working with and they're all super nice to me. They all accept me because I feel like 40 is this guy who doesn't really do interviews, doesn't really go to parties or anything but everybody respects him because he built OVO and Drake's sound, so everybody knows who he is, but he's not showing off, he's not about social media or anything. And I really respect that and I really hope that I'll be the same way about social media maybe in 10 years or something. It's just the best for me, I can't ask for more.

    People often trip up on the pronunciation of your name. What is the origin of the stylization?

    It's nothing crazy -- my friend at college used to call me Stew. My actual name is Steven, so that was a nickname. So when I started making music I was too lazy to find a cool name, I was like, "I'm just going to keep this one." I couldn't speak English back then, so I looked it up on translator what it means and it means soup, like chicken soup. I didn't want people to call me soup, so I put an "o" instead. And now it doesn't mean anything, but people told me, "It kind of looks cool," so I was like, "I'll just keep that." That's pretty much it. I wanted to know how people would see it from online and I was like, "Oh, if they see 'soup' that's not cool."

    Do you think growing up in Paris shaped your sound?

    Oh yeah, definitely. It's so funny because I'm working with all these hip-hop guys and I don't know anything about hip-hop; I really don't. Hip-hop is all about knowledge: knowing rappers, producers, and I don't know anything. I'll go with Kaytranada and he'll ask me like, "You know him?" and I'm like "No." I just know electronic music because I'm French. It's super Frenchie but French house -- Daft Punk, Justice, Danger, that's all I've grown up with. Even my friends they make fun of me like, "You don't know shit about hip-hop," and I'm like, "No," and they're like, "You're working with all of these guys? Don't you feel kind of guilty sometimes?" I wish I knew more, I just didn't grow up listening to hip-hop. Like, I would listen to 50 Cent, Eminem, you know, Top 40 type thing, but I would never get really into it. I really knew about Tupac and Biggie when I was 19 or something, I never got into that before. Now I love it, but I'm still trying to learn.

    How do you feel about dropping new music -- it's the first time in a while?

    I don't know, I'm kind of stressed out about it because it's been two years [since my last drop] so I don't know how people are going to react to it. I'm excited about it, too, since it's been a while since I dropped a project and I feel like I really need to do it now so I'm just excited and scared at the same time. I guess everybody is when they're going to drop something, but also since it's been a while since I dropped anything, I really want to get out of this SoundCloud bubble and I feel like it's a chance for me to do it. That's why it's taken time and I don't want to screw this up.
     
    "Haunted" is available on iTunes and Spotify now.

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    buttssss.gif
    Ahh, nothing like the ass to inspire creativity -- especially when it comes to sexy-time butt play. After all, our super scientific sources (us) say that there's nothing better to round out the derrière exploration than a little poke and stretch -- and as such, we rounded up our favorite themed butt stuff (with a particular emphasis on plugs), for your enjoyment. Play safe and maybe rethink buying lube in bulk.

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    Pig Tail Butt Plug
    Inspired in some capacity by #piggate? Well Master Series has an excellent Pig Tail Butt Plug that would go swimmingly with any sort of Black Mirror-esque, dystopian playtime you may wanna have. And while according to reviews, this particular model is more for first-timers ("not so big it hurts"), more experienced players can purchase an apple-shaped version that looks much more...hefty.

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    Dog Tail Butt Plug
    From the people behind the aforementioned pig tail butt plug comes a dog tail, which apparently also has a "swelling head" to ensure nothing slips. Also sold: a matching neoprene dog mask with removable muzzle. Whoosh.

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    Steel Fist Buttplug
    Tired of flimsy (rubber) fisting tools? Well then this gorgeous, life-sized, solid steel fist is the answer to all your dreams. Doubling as a centerpiece and sex object, needless to say this one's probably for the already-stretched out.

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    Baby Jesus Butt Plug
    From the brilliant minds behind Divine Interventions Religious Sex Toys comes the infamous Baby Jesus Butt Plug, which rounds out a collection that also includes "Jackhammer Jesus" and "Buddha's Delight" dildos. Needless to say though, Baby Jesus up the butt (in one of six colors) will definitely be the highlight of your collection.
    Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 4.53.44 PM.png

    Nasstoys Mini Unicorn Anal Vibrator
    Just in case you like your butt stuff to skew a little more...mystical, there's a unicorn-themed anal vibrator on the market -- and it's miniature for discrete carry, of course! Skeptical? Not to worry, because Nasstoys thoughtfully smoothed out the top of the wand, so there's no accidental anal tears etc.

    Screen Shot 2015-10-15 at 5.14.22 PM.png

    Extreme Cone Butt Plug

    In case you've always wondered what it would feel like to ram a traffic cone up your ass, the good people at Bedtime Heaven have got you covered with their Extreme Cone Butt Plug. Clocking in at a frightening 7-inch diameter at the bottom, this one is definitely only for old hands at anal. 

    Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 10.36.08 AM.png
    Pet Play Fetish Plugs
    Calling all furries, because no butt stuff list would be complete without furry tail plugs -- in a variety of animals, lengths and fur plumes. Because whether you skew more minx or molt, there's a plug for all you furry fetishists. WOOF.

    Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 10.34.08 AM.png
    Kim Jong Un Butt Plug
    Stick it to facism, cause Etsy's got a Kim Jong Un butt plug for sale. Handmade and staunchly anti-dictatorial, there's also a Putin plug if you're looking to include more Axis of Evil world leaders.

    Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 10.38.47 AM.png
    Mushroom Plug

    For the au natural freaks, there's also a butt plug with a fucking mushroom in it, because...well I'm not quite sure. All I do know is that they're all one-of-a-kind and come in a variety of sizes and designs from one Pacific Northwest store ("Conscious Creations" screech) -- and I'm assuming everything is locally sourced.


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    Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 3.50.45 PM.pngThis morning, we had the pleasure of talking to our favorite boy band, Hanson! We talked to the brothers about their biggest influences, diehard fans and growing up in the limelight. One of the highlights from our conversation was when we asked the brothers what they admire about each other -- check out what they said below. 



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    BFA_1445015566_1679384.jpg
    photo by Billy Farrell / BFA

    Speaking to Maria Shriver on the Today show earlier this morning, comedian/actress Amy Schumer opened up about her lifelong struggle with body image.

    A fight (obviously) not helped by her astronomical rise within the entertainment industry, Schumer talked about it being a very "emotional thing," adding that when she can't "perform my best or be confident if I'm not sure -- if I'm pulling at something [I'm wearing]" -- with the pressure sometimes getting so discouraging that she gets to the point of wanting "to throw in the towel and be like, 'I'm not gonna go do stand-up tonight.'" 

    However, Schumer credited Trainwreck stylist Leesa Evans with helping her fight these demons through the power of proper dressing, saying that, "My sister and I, we both have always dressed badly...Leesa had given me this gift of showing me how to dress and feel good" -- which she says has led to quite the boost of confidence.

    In fact, Schumer herself is now on a mission to help other women feel good about themselves, by promoting realistic standards and hosting a style empowerment workshop with the Goodwill of Southern California to "educate, inspire and transform women through fashion." 

    "It was such a gift to be given -- to learn how to dress, to feel good about myself," Schumer said. "And that's the gift we want to give everyone, everywhere."


    [h/t The Wrap]


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    This is a video of Biz Markie performing a version of his hit "Just a Friend," a song that has already been nearly endlessly adapted, that serves to inform people that they could enter a contest to win a box of Lucky Charms with just marshmallows, something you could easily create by buying two normal boxes of Lucky Charms, three tops. And yet, we are not mad, because Biz Markie is delightful, as are the bright colors and sheer enthusiasm on display in this video. Thank you, Biz Markie. Thank you, Lucky Charms. Call us later if you have any leftover clovers (we'd take blue moons, too, but none of that red balloon garbage). [via GQ]


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    It's been a long and exciting week for costume guides here, especially if you're looking for a celebrity to ape as part of a group Halloween outing. There's the "flock of Kim Kardashians" option, the "serious Hillarys don't @ us" group, a collection of variously goofy "please love me Drakes," and the "no, for real don't @ us we're perfect Beyoncé" crew. The problem with these costumes, of course, is that for the most part they require your squad to all be of one gender -- not so with our final option, Justin Bieber. If Kate McKinnon can do it, anyone can dress up as one of these stages of Justin Bieber's life, and you can present a perfect little timeline to answer anyone who sees your costume and asks "What do you mean?"



    "Baby" Bieber

    The Justin that started it all, and still your grandmother's favorite Justin. To get this look, you'll need a purple long-sleeve shirt, black pants, a bowl haircut and a willingness to do that "pop the collar and then point" thing he does in the video. If you can get a guy to follow you around and dress like Ludacris, so much the better.

    bieber fedora.jpgFedora Bieber
    This might be the worst Bieber of all, but it's also one of the easiest to pull off. Throw on a fedora (preferably, for your purposes, purchased from Urban Outfitters), big sunglasses, and a track suit. Step out of a giant vehicle, stare blankly, and everyone will totally get that you're pulling off this Bieber look. (It's better than that time he covered Boyz II Men in a different fedora.)

    1390500405_justin-bieber-mugshot-467.jpgMugshot Bieber
    Who could really be made at Justin after seeing that little punim? All you need to pull off his mugshot look is a bright orange/red v-neck t-shirt, some gel to slick your hair back, some makeup to give yourself dark circles under the eyes and a glazed-over smile all night long.

    bieber vmas.jpgEmotional VMAs Bieber
    Nothing gets me more worked up than Justin Bieber's emotional performance at the VMAs -- mostly because he looked like he belonged at a Kelela EP release rather than this year's technicolor Moonman ceremony. Plus, his Kate Gosselin coiff/missing member of The Cure red carpet look feels like way too much work, so you know, might as well just stick with the basic Biebs aesthetic. All you'll need is a black trucker hat, a novelty costume head mic (diva costume sold separately) and an all-black fuccboi look of your choosing (trackies, plain tee, etc). Oh, and some eyedrops.

    bieber ass.jpg"What Do You Peen" Bieber
    Ok, you're going to need a nude body stocking (like this one from "Elegant Moments," where your mom totally shops) and either a strap-on or a dildo. But if you don't have that, you can just put anything in your underpants that you think best evokes Bieber peen. (An eggplant, a ballpark frank that plumps when you cook it -- whatever LENGTHS you need to go to keep your costume cheap and easy, right y'all?) If you want, have a friend draw tatts on for you with some eyeliner. (Just do his chest ones, ain't nobody got time for those sleeves.) Gross blonde wig optional.



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    Koko the gorilla has a social media problem.

    "Actually," you're probably thinking. "She went viral as hell this week."And you're right. A video of her adopting two kittens for her birthday was uploaded to her YouTube channel Tuesday and already has over a million views. If you haven't seen it shared by every member of your family and graduating class yet, you should check it out. It's very sweet.



    The issue? She celebrated her 44th birthday in July -- and the video sat around for four months before it was released. Even weirder, the video wasn't the way her team decided to break the news. 18 days earlier, the September 25 edition of the koko.org email newsletter rolled out a bunch of photos of Koko with the kittens. Then seemingly at random, at 5:00 PM on a Tuesday, they dropped the accompanying video.

    Imagine any celebrity rolling out a news item that way. If Chrissy Teigen adopted two kittens on her birthday and wanted to show us pics and a video, they'd be simultaneously debuted across every platform like it was a g-d Apple event. Samsung would probably sponsor it. It's a testament to Koko's relatability that the video reached as many people as it has. No shade to her team at all, but tbh that clip went viral despite how they told the story, not because if it.

    But the Gorilla Foundation's first priority isn't PR -- it's research, which makes sense. There are plenty of theorists on Koko message boards who think Penny Patterson, the Stanford psychologist responsible for Koko and the Gorilla Foundation, hasn't been doing enough (read: anything) with Koko for decades, but that seems like a moot point, too.

    Patterson developed an entire new language, Gorilla Sign Language, and Koko is the planet's most fluent speaker of it. That's insane! Right now, in 2015, a gorilla can make jokes -- and hope to make you laugh. She can title her own paintings. She can fangirl over Mr. Rogers and tell him about it.



    It's not Patterson's mission or responsibility to constantly heighten the experiment or position Koko as some pop culture hypebeast. The missed opportunity here is that they've essentially raised a great ape into a human teen, and they're not letting her blog about it.

    Think about it: like most teens who live at home with their parents and are dreaming of something more, Koko has a lot of feelings all the goddamn time but doesn't have the vocabulary or life experience to relate to anyone around her. TV is her only window to wider culture, and she gets crushes on the guys she sees there. She met her current boyfriend by video dating, but they're not having sex yet.

    I just want Koko to have the social presence of any red-blooded American teenager locked in her bedroom and pissed off at her mom. So, as a service to The Gorilla Foundation, and maybe also as a job application, here are my (free!) suggestions for how to improve Koko's social presence:

    • Get your house in order. Post stuff regularly. Post stuff as it's happening. Part of this is just paying attention to social media, which might mean bringing someone into the office who cares about social media. I'll let you worry about budgeting and logistics. But little one-off opportunities for interaction, like Koko's Amazon Wishlist, are deeply awesome. People would be eating it up if it were easier to find.
    • Know yr strengths. She's a gorilla! Who signs! She's a visual lady. Get this bitch an Instagram account and let her take the photos sometimes. It's fine to be on Twitter and Facebook, but those platforms aren't doing her any favors.
    • Let her voice the accounts. Let her blog for you. Let her talk to us. The actual magic crazy bananas thing about Koko is that she's proven to us once and for all that apes have perspective. Their brains can process things like, "Here I am," and, "There you are," but more importantly, "I love it when you do that," or, "I'm sad today because I'm thinking about when I was younger." She's spent a lifetime learning how to communicate within parameters that will make sense to human brains -- let her share some of herself with us for a change. Imagine Koko Periscoping with a class of kids who are learning sign language. Imagine Koko giving you a tour of her favorite things by taking photos with an iPad and then dictating the captions herself.
    It's nothing too crazy, to be honest. She's an actual national treasure and living legend, and she should be viral in America's hearts every day -- not just the ones when someone offhandedly remembers you have YouTube account.

    DM me, Penny.

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    STWO.jpg
    As a slew of new producers come on the scene each year, Toronto-based, Paris-raised beatmaker Stwo has found his footing with an undeniable advantage: the opportunity to collaborate with industry giant Noah "40" Shebib, Drake's right-hand man. A rare chance came Stwo's way when 40 threw the weight of his support behind him, signing the 23-year-old to his publishing company and taking him on as a protégée in what Stwo describes as a "really chill and trusting relationship." With viral earworms including "Lovin U," official remixes such as Majid Jordan's "Her" and Kehlani's "Runnin'," and a new EP called Distant, out late November, Stwo's star is only on the rise. Not to mention his SoundCloud page, 165,000 fans strong, is followed by the likes of current electronic music heavyweights Disclosure and Flume.

    Yet another validation of Stwo's talent comes from musician and part-time Twitter philosopher, Jaden Smith, who premiered "Haunted," the first single from Distant, this past weekend on his Beats 1 radio show MSFTS Frequency. Smith deemed it "the most beautifulicious song of the week" and praised Stwo as "a freaking genius on another freaking level." Amidst all this, we caught up with this Stwo while he was on tour with Chicago rapper Mick Jenkins to discuss studio sessions with Drake's famously discreet beatsmith, what to expect from the EP, and the definitive pronunciation of his moniker.

    How long have you been making beats and what got you started?

    I think I started making beats like four years ago when I was 18 or 19 and I just started because I used to play bass in a band, and since I can't write music and I can't read it, it was hard for me to tell my friends the way I was seeing the music so I just thought about a way for me to make my own music by myself and not having to tell people, "You should do that." So I just bought a computer and I started making music. And yeah, since then, that's all I've been doing, every day.

    What was your upbringing like? Did you have musical influences?

    All my dad's family's side make music somehow. Like my granddad played piano, my dad played guitar and piano, some people sing, too, so I've always been around music. I grew up listening to a lot of funk and disco because my dad loves it and my dad would always play it when I'd be around, but he'd never teach me because he learned everything by himself, so he was like, "I did it myself, so you gotta do it yourself," which I respect. And every time I'd be like, "Can you explain to me how to play this chord?" he's like, "No, just try and you'll see." So I've been doing everything by myself but yeah, it's pretty much my dad who put me on to music and even now, he's still the one who supports me. He's the one who told me, "You can quit school and just do [music]." Because I feel like he's kind of living through me, like what I'm doing right now. My dad has been a huge influence on everything I did. I still make beats with him. Even for my EP he helped me and my next project, he helped me for some tracks.

    What can we expect from the new EP?

    It's been a long time since I dropped anything. My last project was called "92," it was just a beat tape for any rappers who wanted to try something, it was really inspired by all the OVO Sound, because I really loved [Drake's] "Nothing Was The Same" album so I was in that mood at that time and I was trying to make some stuff that would sound like 40.
     
    There's so many things going on with SoundCloud and there's so many new producers that I didn't really know what I wanted to do anymore, music-wise, because I felt like everybody was doing the same thing. So I got pretty uninspired for a long time for my own music, I was just focusing on those beats for rappers so it would be a way for me to get away and not think about it. But somehow I got back into it and I made a lot of different projects that I'd always end up being like, "Ugh, I don't like it any more." But I think this one is getting there -- like, it's not what I want, but it's getting closer. It's nine tracks and  it's more experimental, I guess. There's tracks where I try to sing and there's tracks where I play all the instruments, so there's tracks that will sound like '70s rock or hip-hop...I'm just trying a lot of different things on this one and we'll see how people react to some tracks, because I want to drop something else after that pretty soon, like another little EP and I might just see what track they like the most from this release that I'm going to drop and maybe focus on that sound.

    How'd you first connect with 40?

    Before I dropped the "92" project, the one with all the Drake-inspired beats, 40 followed me on Twitter, and back then, I didn't really know who he was...I mean I knew, but I didn't know how important he was. So I was just like, "Wow, he seems important." And I was really in that Drake Nothing Was The Same high, like I was listening to the album every day, so it was crazy. But I didn't message him or anything. I didn't want to be like, "Thanks for the follow, man," or something. So I waited like two weeks and then he hit me up and he just told me that he really liked my music and he wanted me to send him some more stuff that I didn't release, just beats. I sent him the "92" release before I dropped it and...he's super busy, but I wanted him to tell me the day after that he liked it but it took him, like, two months. So I dropped it for free, I didn't even wait. And eventually two months after he got back to me and he told me that he wanted to sign me to his publishing agency, Alice Island, and he wanted me to come to Toronto to help him work on some stuff, so I moved. I didn't even think about it twice, I just moved to Toronto and met him. I've been in Toronto seven months now and I go to the studio as much as I can.

    I feel like he's my mentor right now, like he's trying to teach me everything about the industry. It's not just about music; I feel like he knows so much and he's a really good teacher and every time I have a question he always takes time to answer me and gives me so much advice about pretty much everything a 23-year-old producer would love to have, so it's the craziest opportunity that's happened to me so far with the music since I started. And yeah, we're still learning, but I feel like we have a trusting relationship already and he's introduced me to all the people he's working with and they're all super nice to me. They all accept me because I feel like 40 is this guy who doesn't really do interviews, doesn't really go to parties or anything but everybody respects him because he built OVO and Drake's sound, so everybody knows who he is, but he's not showing off, he's not about social media or anything. And I really respect that and I really hope that I'll be the same way about social media maybe in 10 years or something. It's just the best for me, I can't ask for more.

    People often trip up on the pronunciation of your name. What is the origin of the stylization?

    It's nothing crazy -- my friend at college used to call me Stew. My actual name is Steven, so that was a nickname. So when I started making music I was too lazy to find a cool name, I was like, "I'm just going to keep this one." I couldn't speak English back then, so I looked it up on translator what it means and it means soup, like chicken soup. I didn't want people to call me soup, so I put an "o" instead. And now it doesn't mean anything, but people told me, "It kind of looks cool," so I was like, "I'll just keep that." That's pretty much it. I wanted to know how people would see it from online and I was like, "Oh, if they see 'soup' that's not cool."

    Do you think growing up in Paris shaped your sound?

    Oh yeah, definitely. It's so funny because I'm working with all these hip-hop guys and I don't know anything about hip-hop; I really don't. Hip-hop is all about knowledge: knowing rappers, producers, and I don't know anything. I'll go with Kaytranada and he'll ask me like, "You know him?" and I'm like "No." I just know electronic music because I'm French. It's super Frenchie but French house -- Daft Punk, Justice, Danger, that's all I've grown up with. Even my friends they make fun of me like, "You don't know shit about hip-hop," and I'm like, "No," and they're like, "You're working with all of these guys? Don't you feel kind of guilty sometimes?" I wish I knew more, I just didn't grow up listening to hip-hop. Like, I would listen to 50 Cent, Eminem, you know, Top 40 type thing, but I would never get really into it. I really knew about Tupac and Biggie when I was 19 or something, I never got into that before. Now I love it, but I'm still trying to learn.

    How do you feel about dropping new music since it's the first time in a while?

    I don't know, I'm kind of stressed out about it because it's been two years [since my last drop] so I don't know how people are going to react to it. I'm excited about it, too, since it's been a while since I dropped a project and I feel like I really need to do it now so I'm just excited and scared at the same time. I guess everybody is when they're going to drop something, but also since it's been a while since I dropped anything, I really want to get out of this SoundCloud bubble and I feel like it's a chance for me to do it. That's why it's taken time and I don't want to screw this up.
     
    "Haunted" is available on iTunes and Spotify now.

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    1442967076-cjtbdabwsaep6xv.jpgRyan Murphy's new FOX show Scream Queens is a difficult one to define. It's camp, it's horror, it's comedy, it's essentially glam porn wrapped in designer couture and slick one-liners. Just watching one episode lets you know all that you need to show: this show is going to be one messy and fucked up ride.

    The pilot quickly introduced us to the members of the sorority Kappa Kappa Tau, a group of girls so vile-acting they deserve their own Bravo spin-off. This year, they're required to take any girl on campus who wishes to be a pledge, which means the seniors are stuck with a less-than-stellar bunch to carry on their legacy. Oh, did I mention that someone on campus in a Red Devil costume is going around mowing girl's heads off? Well, yeah, there is that too.

    Although Whitney Meyer may not be a name you've seen before, get used to it. She plays Tiffany, a sweet freshman who is given the moniker "Deaf Taylor Swift" by Emma Roberts. Meyer began acting as a way to overcome bullying in her past and reinsert some confidence into her life. Through non-traditional casting she was plucked from obscurity and put on one of the most widely publicized new shows this fall season. Although she got her head mowed off early on in the season opener, Meyer is not a girl to forget.

    She may only be 20, but already she understands the importance of diversity in Hollywood and how she's bringing visibility to the deaf community with her role. I sat down with her over FaceTime to discuss her feminist icons and what it was like getting her face mowed while being buried up to her neck.

    Tell me how you got started with acting
    .
    My mom took me to classes and workshops at a theater in Boston that we frequented when I was around 11 or 12 and I also had the opportunity to work with some really great acting coaches.. Later on I did more student/independent/short films and decided that's what I wanted to do because working on film sets are so much fun.

    So Scream Queens was your first role?
    Scream Queens was my first TV gig, and it was fun and campy and massively different from anything I've ever done, but I do want people to know that I want to be taken seriously as an actor, both on film and television. Being deaf can be tough sometimes when you're in the real world, but it isn't stopping me from reaching for the stars. Or the top shelf in my kitchen attempting to grab my favorite coffee mug.

    When you first got the script was there any trepidation playing the character who is referred to as 'Deaf Taylor Swift?
    '
    Well actually I knew I would be playing a deaf girl who loved Taylor Swift, but I didn't know that she would be called that. That was Chanel's character's whole thing.

    Where you offended when you got to set and they started calling you that?
    I wasn't, but when there was line where I was referred to as "hearing impaired" I told the writers that it should be "deaf," because I didn't want the deaf community to be offended and I care about their feelings. "Hearing impaired," isn't a term most deaf people like, or even use. "Impaired" often means broken or not normal, and that isn't the case.

    Did Ryan Murphy ever explain to the cast his thoughts on taking aim at every minority group?
    He didn't explain to me, but if you notice he is a big fan of non-traditional casting. He loves casting people with different body types, disabilities and skills. So he'll have deaf people, people in wheel chairs. From Glee to Nip Tuck he is out there and he's done all of it. He's very inclusive in his casting.

    Do you think if a non-deaf actor was playing your character you would be offended?
    I don't think I'd love it. it's hard to say, because you have Kevin McHale in Glee playing someone in a wheelchair even though he isn't in one in real life. He did a great job and is a great actor, but I feel like if someone was not deaf and trying to play deaf I wouldn't love it. The lead actress in the show Switched at Birth, Katie Leclerc isn't deaf, and sometimes that is hard for me to watch but, again, she's a great actor. I think it really varies from role to role.

    Which shows inspired you to become an actress?
    I was about 12 when I started acting. I started because I wanted to work past some of my self-esteem issues. But you know what? I was a big fan of Mary Kate and Ashley shows growing up! I loved Hilary Duff and Lizzie McGuire. Basically anything Disney and early 2000s: That's So Raven, Phil of the Future, all those shows really helped me learn about social relationships and how people interact with each other.

    tumblr_nvmdemlepq1ui0mpio1_500.gifWould you say you were a misfit growing up?
    You know, growing up I was very shy and I still am shy at times. I think most people are not completely outgoing. When I was younger I was a misfit because I was bullied for being deaf. You look back on that and it sucked, but you have to learn from what you've experienced and grow from. You shouldn't let it affect who you are as a person in a negative way.

    Did bullying change your life in a positive way?
    It made me a lot more aware of right and wrong. It opened my eyes to how you should treat people and really aware of people's feelings. It hurts me to see people hurting on the outside and inside. If anything it made me want to make others happy more.

    Was it difficult being bullied growing up then coming to set and playing a character who is essentially bullied?
    I didn't think a lot about my own bullying why playing Tiffany aka Deaf Taylor Swift. My character was very sweet and naive but didn't really understand what was going on. She didn't understand that Chanel was being a little bitch of a bitch to her. It was easy though because everyone on set treated me with such kindness and respect. There was an interpreter on set for me and no one treated me any differently. The entire cast and crew was so incredible sweet it made it really easy.
    What was it like getting your head mowed off -- can you describe how shooting that scene worked?

    Oh man, that scene was long. It was a night shoot and they had us in barrels in the ground that we would sit in and they would cover our necks with dirt. It was awesome but it really felt like we were buried at times because of all the bugs that would be crawling through our hair.

    Who were you closest to on set?
    Well everyone was super nice but I would say Abigail Breslin. Together we grabbed lunch with our moms and shared a lot of coffee moments.

    Would you consider Scream Queens a feminist show?

    I wouldn't call it a feminist show necessarily, but the characters definitely know who they are and who they want to be. You have characters like Zayday who is all about girl power. Everyone has their own identity and is really stepping up and realizing it. Last week they had a very feminist scene this season where they beat up frat boys for sexualizing them. For me that was a key moment showing these girls are getting in tune with their inner strut.

    Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 5.00.06 PM.pngDo you have an inner-strut?
    Today I do! I think when I have four shots of espresso I channel my inner strut.

    Has Taylor Swift reached out to you since?
    No, but that would be incredible! I know Ryan Murphy has made a few homages to her in the show but she's also been on tour.

    Who do you think is the red devil?

    I think it's possible right now it's the Dean, but I don't know for sure. The dean was there and so was Gigi so I think we have a lot to see between them about what happened all the way back in 1995.

    Would you consider Hollywood a place where deaf actresses like yourself are given a shot?
    I really wish there were more roles out there because too often casting directors will look at my picture and resume and like what they see but once they find out I'm deaf, "I don't fit the role." I hate using the term discrimination, but if people can think of other actors who have non-visible disabilities (and physical too), as inspirational... I think deaf actors should also be in the mix more. Hollywood would be even more eclectic and fun if it were one big melting pot of non-traditional casting.... Also it would be nice if you didn't have to have a size zero waist. But until that happens, I just have to prove that I'm worth the shot!!


    Follow Whitney on Twitter and Instagram.





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    DJ Snake deserves a lot more credit than he gets. The French dude behind massive hit singles including "Lean On,""Turn Down For What," and "You Know You Like It" works with lots of "featured" singers and often gets lost in the shuffle. That's about to change. His debut album is coming out soon on Interscope and, if the new single "Middle" is any indication, it should be a massive hit. Yes, there's another singer -- this time around it's Adio Marchant from the UK -- but we think the album will finally put Mr. Grigahcine (his real name) into the spotlight. Snake is spinning in Vegas on October 23rd and 28th at Surrender, and he's at the 2016 Winter X Games in Colorado on January 30th.



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    Sickest Upgrade: An artist is apparently prowling the streets of Amsterdam in order to soup up the rides of unsuspecting vehicle owners with nothing more than cardboard and masking tape. Talk about a slick whip. -- Sandra Song

    Best Social Media Intern: An Australian fast food chain called Chicken Treat has turned over its Twitter account to one of its chickens in an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for longest tweet by a Chicken. k 09gg ;'[[] 11 -- Matthew Moen

    Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 4.20.32 PM.pngMost Head-Scratching Hack of the Week: An Islamist's takeover of lit erotica publicationAdult Magazine's website. What's next? Stealing customer data off Etsy? -- Abby Schreiber 

    Best New Actress In A Real Drama: A drunk Iowa college student apparently called 9/11 claiming to be Olivia Pope of ABC's Scandal. Cyrus Beene and a bomb headed for the White House also got a special lil shoutout! -- SS

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    Grossest Sex Toy: Because a Trump sex doll was unavoidable. Granted, at least all the profits from this will go toward the U.N. Refugee Agency, so stick it *ahem* to Trump and his anti-Syrian remarks while you can. -- SS

    Screen Shot 2015-10-16 at 4.23.45 PM.pngBiggest Media News of the Week: Sorry, Playboy, but we don't really care if you show nudes or not -- the biggest media annouccement of the week was, instead, that Condé Nast has acquired Pitchfork. We give that decision a solid 7.4. -- A.S.

    Most Triggering News Tie-In: Yep, Law and Order: SVU is doing a tangentially Duggars-themed episode. Working title? "Patrimonial Burden."--SS

    rs_480x270-151013200657-Lincoln_Chafee_granite_GIF.gifMost Snooze-Inducing TV of the Week: The Democratic Debate. While we applaud them for their civility compared to their Republican counterparts, the whole thing was the equivalent of televisual Ambien. -- A.S.

    He's making us tour every civil war battlefield

    A photo posted by Cazzie David (@cazziedavid) on


    Best Father-Daughter Instagram: Larry David's daughter Cazzie, posting this photo of her dad doing some crazy dad Civil War stuff. -- Eric Thurm

    Most Interesting Social Media Statistic:800,000 people reportedly came out in the past year on Facebook, a number that leaves a lot to be desired (namely, context) but at least points at some interesting thoughts. -- E.T.


    Most Powerful Parental Content: Nathan Fielder, star of Comedy Central's Nathan for You, butted heads with Bonney Teti, mother of A.V. Club editor-in-chief John Teti, over the character of his show. It's a great read. -- E.T.

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    MaliaObamaPlaysBeerPong.jpg
    Malia Obama, 17, was featured in this SnapChap during a visit with her friend at Brown University last weekend.

    While conservatives and general opponents of the Prez will probably have a field day with this, let he/she who is without a teen who partakes in underage drinking cast the first pong ball. 

    Malia is doing what we all did on a prospective college visit; she just has the misfortune of being a teenager under the cruel reign of SnapChap, Twitter, and Instagram. 

    And also being the oldest daughter of the leader of the free world.

    Send in the (Ivy League) Trolls: 

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    Isabella...I can confirm that, indeed, you are #correct.

    Last year, Malia was seen getting her L Train hipster on at Lollapalooza in Chicago...

    ...this summer: interning on the Brooklyn set of Girls, of course...

    ...and earlier this year: this selfie, somehow obtained and advertised by Joey Bada$$'s rap crew Pro Era (whose shirt Malia is wearing), launched a White House investigation. 

    Malia is definitely jonesin' for the real world, and can you blame her? 

    She grew up under the claustrophobic eye of the Secret Service. And also Planet Earth.

    Lest we forget the Bush twins? 

    While their father rained Hell down on the world, Barbara and Jenna Bush waged war on the legal drinking age during the early aughts.

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    Described as a "Secret Service nightmare," the duo would flee to NYC from Barbara's alma mater Yale without informing their babysitters, and hit up nightclubs with fake IDs.

    bbushid1.jpgJenna, now a news correspondent, was so adverse to the surveillance, that she would often run red lights, and jump into random cars at traffic lights to avoid it. 

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    No, this is not a scene from the immortal 2004 Katie Holmes classic, First Daughter.

    In a very sweet letter to Malia and her younger sister, Sasha, before their dad took office in 2009, the Bush twins gave sound advice for growing up as the First Kids.

    They urged the Obama girls to "Fill the (White House) with laughter," and to attend "anything and everything you possibly can. Four years (now 8) goes by fast, so absorb it all, and just enjoy it!"

    Looks like Malia has taken those (wise?) Bush words to heart.

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    Screen Shot 2015-10-17 at 11.06.57 AM.png
    Oscar-winning actress, filmmaker, writer, humanitarian, mother of SIX, and the literal definition of oppressively perfect bone structure, Angelia Jolie, descended from her dewey-grassed grotto to manifest before Vogue Magazine, discussing her family, and her upcoming film, By the Sea (which she wrote and directed, and co-stars in with her husband, Brad Pitt.)

    The amazing photos were taken by Annie Leibowitz (cue the "ugh" and "of course").

    By the Sea comes out in November, and will mark Jolie's return to the screen since 2014's Maleficent, and also her new credited name, Angelia Jolie PITT. 

    The movie will also be the first time Brad and Angie have starred in a movie together since 2004's Mr. and Mrs. Smith, where it ALL went down in the first place. 

    Screen Shot 2015-10-17 at 11.41.37 AM.png
    By the Sea's general plot surrounds a (surprise! wealthy, gorgeous) couple named Roland and Vanessa, who take a vacation to the French Riviera, hoping the amber sunlight of the Mediterranean will heal their fractured marriage.

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    Roland is a drunk, and Vanessa is suicidal and loves pillz. Their anguished lives become complicated when a pair of newlyweds move in next door.

    Obv, intensity ensues. 

    Jolie discusses her excitement of starring in another movie with her husband--a movie which she makes clear we know is NOT autobiographical. 

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    She also opens up about her excitement to turn 50, tying in her late mother and grandmother, who both died of ovarian cancer.

    "I feel grounded as a woman," Jolie told writer Elizabeth Rubin. "My mother and my grandmother started dying in heir 40s. I'm 40. I can't wait to hit 50 and know I made it."

    Jolie underwent a double mastectomy to eliminate any threat of breast cancer (which she wrote about in a wonderful essay for the New York Times in 2013), then had her ovaries removed.

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    She is candid about her fears and joys, but despite being just like any other mom, her life is undeniably anything but normal. 

    Screen Shot 2015-10-17 at 11.06.49 AM.png
    Some jaw dropping highlights: 

    -And so, after getting married in the summer of the last year at her house in France, she moved her tribe (Brad, six children now aged seven to fourteen, and assorted staff) to the Maltese island of Gozo, a stand-in for the southern French coast with its dazzling Mediterranean light, and shot (By the Sea).

    -The kids are homeschooled by teachers from different backgrounds and religions, and speaking different languages.

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    This is some next-level Maria VonTrapp shit

    -She took along Pax, her eleven-year-old Vietnamese-born son, who wanted to work on the film and meet Aung San Suu Kyi. Pax had read about the liberated Burmese opposition leader and Nobel laureate and was curious. "Seeing Pax get extra-nervous about which shirt he is going to wear when he meets Aung San Suu Kyi, I get very moved," she says. "He rightfully doesn't get nervous going to a movie premiere; he gets nervous going to meet her."

    -I'm also thinking of the other Angelina, the younger one, the awkward kid who wore glasses and boxed, the dark, wild punk who used to say anything, talked openly about cutting herself, collected weapons, flipped a butterfly knife on Conan O'Brien after she made Gia, sported a vial of her second husband, Billy Bob Thornton's, blood.

    Screen Shot 2015-10-17 at 11.06.02 AM.png
    -But she also knows that it may not be the same for all her children, and she doesn't push. The Jolie-Pitt world is democratic, eclectic. "The kids that don't want to go don't go," she says of her humanitarian field trips.

    -It's the Angelina effect, one that can also make critics roll their eyes when she seems to be everywhere at once. While that may be the case, she doesn't suffer from the familiar "five-minutism" of celebrities showing a fleeting interest in global causes.

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    Jesus Christ.
    All hail Queen Ang.

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