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All the posts on www.papermag.com.

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    Annie is finally back with her new album The A&R EP, which drops on August 5th. While we've been waiting since 2009 for some new Annie jams, the Norwegian singer seems to have the year 1999 on the brain: her new video for "Back Together" is all about the long, lost years of music video countdown shows. Annie's version has a definite eurotrash Total Request Live/Dance Dance Revloution feel to it, and as she sings in front of a candy-colored kaleidoscopic background in her own splashy ensembles, we relived our early MTV-and-VH1-filled adolescence. The little fun facts about Annie flashing on the screen are a great touch: turns out she has a greenbelt and at some point she injured Richard X, the producer of The A&R EP. Maybe she karate-chopped him because she was so blitzed by all of the colors swirling around her? Or because she got too nostalgic? Watch and hypothesize, above.

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    The Roots, Jimmy Fallon and Robin Thicke perform "Blurred Lines" with classroom instruments. Need that banana shaker! [LNWJF]
     tumblr_mqv6cwdSbK1qa9siqo1_500.gif You the hottest Mitt in this place! [BobbyFinger]

    enhanced-buzz-11357-1375308447-0.jpgBehold, Robin Thicke's early-aughts, luscious Jesus hair. [Buzzfeed]
     
    We generally have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to frats, frat culture and 77% of anything college-aged, straight white men do or say, but this late-80s rush video for a now-defunct USC frat is oddly engrossing and so, so, so California-'80s. [HuffPo]


    Two dog sisters dance for their dinner while their owner sings them a jazzy tune. The best! [Gawker]



    We're really re-thinking our "ferrets are disgusting and creepy" stance after watching this clip of a cute ferret bandit adorably trying to take off with its owner's wallet. [Hypervocal] T2W8.jpg Keep up the great work! [Mlkshk]
     T36V.jpg Ring-ohhhhh. (Sorry.) [Mlkshk]

    cantbelive.pngAugust? What August? [AfternoonSnoozeButton]






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    Welcome to our new series "Celebrities! How Similar to Us They Are," a surrealist send-up of celebrity weekly's' "Stars Are Just Like Us!" features. Each installment is written by Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell (of the very hilarious twitter account @NotTildaSwinton and our Real Housewives of New Jersey recaps) and illustrations are by Isabel Alcantara. Join us below to see Alec Baldwin get into an argument with his own reflection.

    celeb_mariahcarey.jpgMariah Carey milled around the parking lot of an abandoned Steak and Ale.


    celeb_alecbaldwin.jpgAlec Baldwin got into a heated debate with his own reflection.


    celeb_harrisonford.jpgHarrison Ford held his head underwater off the dock of a marina.
     


    celeb_owenwilson.jpgVince Vaughn jumped his moped over Owen Wilson.
     

    celeb_angelinajolie.jpgAngelina Jolie shadowed a Pier 1 Imports manager without her permission.
     

    celeb_stephenking2.jpgStephen King hid in the bathroom of a Burger King, jumping out at people.









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    B.Allulli-7.jpgAnthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential has an entire chapter devoted to Scott Bryan, a "no-bullshit, no muss, no fuss, old school ass-kicking cook of the first order." Bryan, who gained a cult following at restaurants like Indigo and Veritas, is notoriously publicity-shy, but agreed to talk to mark this month's five-year anniversary of Apiary, the East Village restaurant where he's been since 2009.


    I hear you love doing interviews.

    Scott Bryan: Ha.

    You've been called the most underrated chef in New York. Why do you hate promoting yourself?

    You have to do it to a certain degree, but people get into the business nowadays because they want to be on the Food Network. It's so much smoke and mirrors and gimmicks.

    There's such a high fail rate for restaurants. What's the secret to making it to five years?

    Besides doing delicious food, the most important thing is to give good value and be consistent.

    Doesn't having a good rent have something to do with it?

    That's why most restaurants go out of business, because of leases. It's completely absurd what landlords want now. The owner of 5 Ninth in the meatpacking district started out in 2004 paying thirteen thousand a month. When he closed this year he was paying twenty thousand. Guess what the landlord wanted. Take a guess.

    Sixty thousand?

    Ninety-five thousand. There's no way a restaurant can pay that much and make it in that space. You're going to see more and more restaurants closing. I hear Pastis is going to close in December because the landlord wants ten million -- that's a made-up number, but it's something absurd. A branch of TD Bank, with no overhead, can pay that much but not a restaurant.

    Since the cost of living is so high in New York, are you having trouble finding line cooks for your kitchen?

    In the last few years it's gotten much more difficult to find staff. There are so many restaurants, too. Andrew Carmellini opens a place like Lafayette, he needs 70 cooks since he's serving breakfast, lunch and dinner. I hear he's having trouble finding good people. The pay is not good and it's a lot of work. One-third of them will drop out of the business in three or four years, just throw their hands in the air.

    Have you ever thought of throwing your hands in the air?

    Yes, I definitely did at one point. I opened a restaurant called Soleil on the Upper East Side and the owners wanted me to compromise on the quality of the food to bring costs down. I wouldn't do it. But I stayed in the business and opened Veritas and Indigo. Once it's in your blood you're sort of cursed. I can't go work in an office.

    You haven't gone the TV/celebrity chef route.

    That whole thing is a bunch of bullshit, if you ask me.

    There's been so much controversy about Pete Wells' Daniel review, taking away one of his stars. Do you want to weigh in?

    In my opinion, they fucked up.

    Who's they?

    The staff. They were too obsessed with this one guy. If what he wrote is true -- that his table got the cheese cart and his colleague's table didn't -- that should never happen. It's a four-star fucking restaurant, it should be perfect for everybody. The colleague was still paying $195 for the tasting menu and it sounds like he got service that was not up to standard.

    You've worked at some four-star restaurants like Le Bernardin, Lespinasse and Bouley. What's it like when the Times' critic comes in?

    If he orders duck the chef might make you cook two ducks and you give the critic the one that looks better. Usually it gets very quiet in the kitchen. Everyone really focuses and no one talks. When critics have come into my restaurants I always say make sure everything is cooked correctly and seasoned properly. If they don't like the dish, okay. Sometimes it's a matter of personal taste. You have to take it all with a grain of salt.

    I've heard a lot of chefs look up to you. Who are good cooks, in your opinion?

    Michael White, what he does is great. Scott Conant is a very talented guy. Ripert, Daniel, Jean-Georges. Mark Ladner at Del Posto does a good job. The sushi guy at Soto, Yasuda, 15 East, they're all super talented. I like seasonal, delicious food that's accessible. I'm not a big fan of the whole molecular cookery thing. Something that cooked in a plastic bag for three weeks doesn't do anything for me. I find a lot of chefs nowadays try a little too hard to be creative, gimmicky, and it's not something you want to eat every day. I could go to Il Buco every day. You don't have to think about it, just this very straightforward holy trinity of olive oil, lemon and salt.

    Your three-course tasting menu is only $38, which is really a great deal.

    It is. And Mondays are a lot of fun, when we don't charge for corkage. We get a lot of industry people and it's kind of like a little club, people bringing in really interesting wines.

    Apiary has never gotten a full review from the Times for some reason. Does that bother you?

    When it opened, Frank Bruni wrote a Diner's Journal piece about the place, but then the chef left and when I came on board we only got reviewed by New York magazine. You don't know what you're going to get so it's fine by me.


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    Tonight Guy with Text.png



    We here at Paper are longtime fans of ex-Toilet Böys frontman, DJ extraordinaire and living legend Miss Guy. While holding down steady DJing gigs, Guy recently released a new track with Debbie Harry called "God Save New York" and is preparing to release a deluge of new singles in the next few months. We were lucky enough to catch up with Guy over the phone and talk to him about getting lesbian vibes from Rihanna, taking outfit inspiration from Cher, and the great Robin Thicke versus Justin Timblerlake debate. We're also excited to premiere his new song "Tonight." Listen to "Tonight Above" and read our interview below.   

    There's been some great beach weather this summer. Do you have a favorite beach look?

    Miss Guy: I have some swimming trunks and flip-flops from Marc Jacobs that I like. I used to wear more over-the-top stuff to the beach but I don't any more. I used to wear Speedos but I go to a beach in Jersey and I learned fast that it's easier to wear trunks. It's a great beach but there are a lot of people that just don't get it. And the Speedo may be a bit much, especially with my long hair and everything! It's easier to blend in -- but I still really don't. One of my next [music] videos is going to be on the beach. That was fun, I did it in heels and a Speedo and makeup and the whole bit.

    Were you getting stares?

    Oh yeah! Like I said, I would be getting stares anyway because I don't look like the average Joe on the Jersey beach.

    Tell us about your new track with Debbie Harry, "God Save New York."

    It was first song I wrote after my band The Toilet Böys broke up and it was originally an ode to New York and the people I loved in it. The lyrics were about Debbie Harry and Joey Ramone and Lou Reed and the New York Dolls and stuff like that. I ended up changing the lyrics to make it less specific -- I wrote it so long ago that the meaning now is different. Actually, I think it works better now because New York as a party town is in a state of emergency, to say the least. There's still a lot of fun things happening and cool places to go, and good DJs and fun parties, but DJing on the Lower East Side on the weekend is pretty disturbing. Weekend crowds haven't always been the best crowds but now it's the worst. But the song is still about New York -- I still think it's the greatest city in the world and I love it. I'm happy to be here.

    Why do you think nightlife has changed for the worse?

    It's changed for the worse because it's become impossible for young, creative types to come work here and keep the scene thriving -- whether it be music, art, performance. I feel like the downtown scene has sort of been killed off by frat boys and frat girls. I don't know if that's really who they are, but I feel like it's become a frat party. I don't like all the 7-Elevens that are popping up everywhere. One day I was going to this restaurant that I used to love called Zen Palate and it wasn't there any more. It was a TGI Fridays, and that was really upsetting to see. Not a plus for New York. It's become almost like a strip mall.

    Are there any redeeming qualities left about New York?

    Yes, the flip side of that is that there a lot of amazing people coming to the New York area but they're maybe not actually living in Manhattan. I still love the mix of people and cultures and I love walking around the streets of New York. I still get inspired. That feeling I have when I first moved here is still in me, and that's what makes me feel that this is the city I belong in.

    What new bands are you listening to right now?

    Some of the newer artists that I love -- and I know they're not so new anymore -- include Beth Ditto and The Gossip. I love this band Hustle Club, and a singer/DJ Prince Terrence -- he's keeping a fun scene alive in New York. I saw Peaches DJ a couple weeks ago and I'm a huge fan. She was DJing but she also performed. I love it when DJs are performance-driven. I think that's the next thing in DJing, because everybody's a DJ these days and the next obvious thing to do is turn it into performance.

    You know, when I started it wasn't so difficult to stand out: there were either hard rock DJs DJing straight rock venues or club DJs playing dance music. There was nobody mixing it up. So by mixing them it was easy to get a lot of work, and to travel, and to get a lot of recognition. Plus, the way I look, nobody was really doing a "look" when they DJed.

    You've met a lot of legendary people -- is there anyone you've met who you think will be a big star?

    I have to say, I've met a lot of really talented musicians but I haven't met anyone who's going to be the next David Bowie or Debbie Harry. I don't understand why Beth Ditto isn't a huge star. She's got a good career and is doing really well, but in this country, I don't get why she's not a megastar. But you can also have really lucrative careers elsewhere without having one in the US -- the Scissor Sisters are a perfect example. They do really well, but they're not household names.

    Probably because none of those people look they way traditional pop stars are 'supposed' to look.

    I think that's the case with a lot people who've been around for a long time. Boy George, for example -- we were in London a few weeks ago and he and I were discussing that. Artists that have outrageous images or dress outlandishly sometimes get crucified as being a novelty act. He's one of the greatest pop writers and pop singers in history and he's really overlooked as one of the greats. A lot of it has to do with the fact that he's gay and he's still dressing outrageously. It's weird that someone who's won awards and had hits and was really a phenomenon -- he defined a part of a decade! -- I don't understand how someone like that can be overlooked for someone like Katy Perry or Ke$ha. No disrespect to them, but they have these careers that are really going on much longer than they should. There have always been bubblegum artists, but their careers were very short-lived. It's weird that nowadays someone that's no different than David Cassidy was in the '70s has a really long career. Maybe people are more business-minded now.

    Justin Timberlake versus Robin Thicke: Whose music do you like better and who would you rather sleep with?

    I don't know what Robin Thicke looks like, but I do have his single "Blurred Lines," of course. It's one of those songs that I'm forced to play, but thankfully I like it a lot. But now I'm curious, so I'm going to Google him when I get off the phone. But I will say, Justin Timblerlake is one of my favorite pop stars and I think he's a good actor -- like I need to say any of this, everyone already knows that -- and he as a solo artist is one of my favorites. So yeah, I would sleep with him. Why not? I wouldn't go out of my way to, but I think he's a good-looking guy and I would probably do it just to say that I did it.

    But Justin Timberlake is so vanilla lately! And Robin Thicke is sort of hot in a sleazy way -- look him up.

    Justin Timberlake may be the nice boy of pop, and he doesn't seem to want to do the bad boy thing, which I'm sure he could do. But I'm sure he's doing things as we speak that we would consider outrageous -- more outrageous than Courtney Love. A lot of times pop stars put out a couple of records and go through a bad boy or bad girl phase. It's sort of predictable and really boring, to be frank. I feel like Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber are stating to go into their
    "bad boy" and "bad girl" phase. I kind of like that Justin Timberlake isn't promoting that with his public image. And in private he's probably a dirty boy.

    You recently wrote a blog post about how much you love Cher. What's your favorite Cher look?

    I actually have ripped off a couple of Cher looks for The Toilet Böys. A lot of the necklines for my Toilet Böys costumes were directly from a photo of Cher circa '75 in one of those gorgeous Bob Mackie outfits. My favorite is the classic 1974 Cher, original nose and teeth, long black hair, long square fingernails and the Bob Mackie dress. One day I will own a Bob Mackie. Hopefully it'll be custom made for me.

    In that same post, you defend and celebrate Cher's use of auto-tune and link it to Rihanna, but do you think artists use it too much now?

    All artists use it -- it's a cheaper and faster way than doing a lot of takes, and I liked it when the use of auto-tune first became a stylized, but now it's boring. I like Rihanna and I like a lot of her music, but sometimes she sounds like a robot. I like to hear a flaw in a singer's voice, like Sade, who's one of my favorite singers. A lot of times [Sade's] voice would crack and I think it's cool! It sounds human and there's emotion in that. But who knows what Rihanna will do next? She's very cute and she's got some great songs, she could change her tune. Do you think she's a dyke?

    Rihanna?

    I saw Rihanna perform once, and I never really did until I saw her perform -- but I got a dyke vibe from her. I saw her perform live and she was doing that dyke dance and I thought, "Hm, I could see her being a dyke."

     

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    Because he's friends with Bret Easton Ellis -- and maybe because the gods of Friday are smiling down upon us -- Kanye West has re-scored and re-edited the "dispiriting, unpleasurable work punctuated with flashes of vitalizing vulgarity" known as The Canyons. How'd Kanye and his multimedia company, DONDA, do? They definitely made it better. Gone are the headache-inducing dubstep, strobe effects and digital glitter -- instead, we get a creepy-piano-filled trailer with much, much more tension. (Re)watch above.

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    Screen Shot 2013-08-02 at 4.50.52 PM.png Hesta Prynn A.jpgIn this weekly column, MC/DJ Hesta Prynn pairs pop culture stories with an original playlist.










    I may or may not be writing from a bachelorette party in Vegas. The sun may or may not be melting my computer, the Piña Coladas may or may not be flowing and later tonight I may or may not find myself shielding my eyes from the "severe weather event" otherwise known as the Thunder from Down Under. In honor of one of my BFFs tying the knot, this week's Five 'n' Five pairs classic stripper tropes with some out of the box stripper songs. Based on real life research (and Ginuwine "Pony" aside), here are my personal faves -- try them at home!

    1. This Policeman Gonna LOCK YOU UP GIRL! -- "All I Want Is You" by Miguel feat. J Cole

    Kind of less sexy since I started watching Orange is the New Black (see last week's column) but nearly everyone interested in men loves one in uniform. See also: Navy Seal, SWAT team member.

    2. This Fire(man) is Out of Control -- "2getha Baby" by Ghostface Killah

    You will be hard pressed to find an all-male revue not taking advantage of the obligatory props that come along with this one. Watch out ladies, he's turning on the hose! See also: construction worker, "YMCA."

    3. The Pizza Delivery Guy Who's Delivering More Than Pizza -- "Dazed and Confused" by Led/Lez Zeppelin.

    Did someone order a sausage pie? See also: maintenance man, plumber, pool boy.

    4. Businessman Going to WORK! -- "Bad Girl" by Usher

    My man makes so much money but gets so stressed after a day of work. Why this one is hot I'll never know. They say every man looks good in a suit? See also: doctor, professional athlete, Brad Pitt.

    5. Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy -- "Love" by Matt White

    A sensitive cowboy? You mean he'll wrangle the cattle, protect us from bandits and rub my feet? This one deserves a proper love song! See also: pirate, Game of Thrones.


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    We couldn't be more excited for the new the VFiles web series "WHAT THE F*SHION," which follows the fictional travails of New York stylist Casey Jane Ellison as she deals with moving to L.A. The first episode centers around Casey's desperate need to find a more "West Coast" lewk that doesn't make her gag. It sounds like a one-note setup, but what ensues is an absolutely perfect mockery of every iteration of L.A. style that New Yorkers love to roll their eyes at, from Alexa Chung wannabes (which, to be fair, is a bi-coastal phenomenon) to looking like you're permanently attending Coachella. While this video does nothing to end the New York vs. L.A. battle for cultural dominance, we have to get behind a world where Jennifer Aniston is God. Watch above.  

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    queensofsummersuperlatives.jpgBest Extravaganza Eleganza: Hands down our "Queens of Summer" photo shoot where we photographed our favorite up-and-coming New York City drag queens in their best beachwear. Many sites agree. -- Max Kessler

    Fever Dreamiest New York Daily News Article of the Week
    : This story about Prince Rama singer Takara Larson being viciously attacked by raccoons in Central Park. -- Elizabeth Thompson

    Best Piece of Local News Reporting:
    This St. Louis news station's segment on hipsters. -- Abby Schreiber

    Best Completely Gratuitous Appreciation of the Male Form: Guy Trebay's trend piece on -- and accompanying slideshow of -- the shirtless men of NYC. -- MK


    Screen Shot 2013-08-02 at 6.09.08 PM.pngBest Tweet About Raven Symone Coming Out: This one. -- AS


    Screen Shot 2013-08-02 at 6.10.55 PM.pngAlso...This One. -- AS

    Weirdest Dick Pic Development: There's a very naked photo floating around that some are claiming is of Josh Hutcherson. But there are no identifying marks and most people think it's B.S. -- MK


    Best (Worst?) Unexpected Interior Design Revelation:
    Dolly Parton's '80s-era New York City penthouse was actually pretty restrained. -- MK

    The Most WTF 911 Call of the Week: This man's, who called 911 when one of his McDonald's burgers was apparently missing. -- AS

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    Further proof that bears are taking over the world: here's a cute brown bear finding something interesting in a dumpster and then casually walking away with the entire thing in tow. [via Death and Taxes]


    retta-insta.jpgRetta got Instagram and has been working overtime to recreate her PAPERMAG portrait across multiple squares. Why didn't we think of that? [via Jezebel]



    During Saturday's New York Met vs. Kansas City Royals game, a couple of sportscasters mildly humiliated a muscular guy who couldn't open a waterbottle on camera to save his life. Come on, hasn't everyone been there? [via Uproxx]


    tumblr_mqvjp3UCDu1rn7bzro1_1280.jpgThat's our work motto. [via knusprig.titten.hitler]

    tumblr_mqt9kmZMus1qhoxz4o1_1280.pngOur new favorite parody Twitter account: @unitedairlanes. People have been angrily Tweeting at it for months without realizing it isn't the real thing. [via Afternoon Snooze Button


    tumblr_mquqkayMPC1rn7bzro1_500.gifA true technological standoff. [via knusprig.titten.hitler]




    Today in "ugh, rich people": this man at the Irish horse races who wipes his face with a €50 bill. [via Death and Taxes]


    enhanced-buzz-18198-1375210316-5.jpgYour Monday morning affirmation. Get it, gurl! [via BuzzFeed]


    tumblr_mqumg0ycy41ql2603o1_500.jpg"I'm in the corner / watching you pose for a picture / oh oh oh." [via Afternoon Snooze Button]


    T5SG.gifThe future is here and it is AMAZING. [via mlkshk]


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    If you were too busy hanging out at the Super(Duper)Market or enjoying the weather/drinking Lime-a-Ritas in the park this weekend (just us?) and missed the HBO premiere of Jay Z's "Picasso Baby" performance art film, you can catch the 8-minute clip above. Shot last month at New York City's PACE Gallery, the film opens with Jay riffing on the similarities between concerts and performance art before launching into snippets of Hova rapping his Magna Carta Holy Grail track for six hours straight. The Marina Abramović-esque marathon performance also featured a fabulous motley crew of art world insiders (Marina Abramović, George Condo, RoseLee Goldberg, Kehinde Wiley, Jerry Saltz, Marilyn Minter), actors (Adam Driver, Taraji P. Henson, Michael K. Williams, Alan Cumming) and fashion designers (Cynthia Rowley, Jenna Lyons) taking turns dancing with the rapper or sitting in front of him for a little one-on-one show. Watch the video above and brace yourself for a little retroactive FOMO.

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  • 08/05/13--11:30: Ten Thoughts On The Canyons
  • Canyons_nottilda.jpgWe sent Carey O'Donnell and Eli Yudin, the guys behind the very funny @NotTildaSwinton Twitter parody account (and tireless chroniclers of Real Housewives of New Jersey and surrealist celebrity exploits), to a screening of The Canyons and asked them to share all of their thoughts and emotions after watching the film. Read their reflections, below.

    God bless it. We'd like to say, first off, we really tried. We wanted it to be good. We would have been okay with it just being not great. But it dragged us by our ankles into a fissure on the ocean floor.

    1. The first thing you'll notice while watching The Canyons is that if you're ever not sure what an action means, it WILL be explicitly explained. Repeatedly. And with the grace of being clubbed in the face with a blunt object until you shout out "OH, I SEE!" Examples: One scene opens with LiLo's gravelly disembodied voice saying, "I'm so glad you opened your own PR company." In another, she picks up a phone that Christian (James Deen) swapped out for hers, and says, very matter-of-factly, "This can't be my phone!"

    2. The movie is very disjointed, giving it less of the feel of a complete movie, and more like the rushed recap of a prequel we never saw. The movie may as well be titled, Last Week on "The Canyons."

    3. Two observations about Lindsay Lohan in this movie: everyone is hopelessly obsessed with her, and you will never understand why. We can imagine the pitch Lindsay's agent gave her: "You smoke cigs, wear high heels, pick your own outfits, and everyone's obsessed with you." Which is not to say Lindsay gives a poor performance. She clearly has talent, and moments within the movie approach phenomenal acting.

    4. James Deen seems like he's doing a bad Patrick Bateman impression the entire time. In fact, the moments he seems to accidentally break out of the Bateman character are the "high" points of his performance. We're sure Deen Netflixed American Psycho quite a few times to prepare for this role and then forgot to add anything new.

    5. When writing a monologue, especially one that's supposed to be threatening, don't use the phrase "and then BAM!" FIVE TIMES IN A ROW. Throughout the movie, our disbelief that Deen's character would say "and then BAM!" again inevitably turned into a desire to see how many times he would say it. (He said it five times.) It was like watching a car accident, but instead of not being able to look away, you actually climb into the wreckage and then go limp.

    elicarey_thecanyons.jpegCarey O'Donnell and Eli Yudin after the movie

    6. Another noticeable lapse in the screenwriting was at the end of the movie, where we find LiLo at dinner with her new beau and another couple. When the other woman questions her in a very vague sense about (SPOILER ALERT) the murder that was committed by James Deen, she literally goes, with no prodding, "Well, I was with him, so, you know, it wasn't him." Saying "it wasn't him" is about as convincing as standing over a freshly dead corpse, covered in arterial spray, shrugging and going, "What murder?"

    7. Everyone involved in this production LOVES the sound of heels on hardwood. It basically serves as a metronome for the first half of the movie (before everyone suddenly changes into activewear for no reason.) It's like Paul Schrader heard an intern walking through the production office one day and exclaimed, "What is that sound? I must know!"

    8. The characters cursed in a way that suggested they'd been given special permission by their mom. It all seemed as if they thought the use of strong language could make those lines super INTENSE!!!! Sorry to be the ones to tell you guys, but "motherfucker" has about as much dramatic power as calling someone a "meanie" nowadays..

    9. This movie is Bret Easton Ellis' manifesto entitled, "Everyone In The World Is a Fucking Idiot Except Me (And I Want To Fuck James Deen)". Prepare to feel like a mental patient, trying to assure the orderly you understand what's going on, only for him to pat your forehead with a damp cloth and whisper, "I'm sure you do."

    10. Finally, in an attempt to describe the overall experience of watching the movie, it felt like being at a Little League game where your child's team is clearly being outplayed, but god damn it if you're not still gonna do the wave.

    The Canyons, playing at a theater near you.


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    In honor of her new standalone shop on the 4th floor of Selfridges, Matel commissioned three London-based designers of the moment -- Fred Butler, Nasir Mazhar and SISTER by SIBLING --  to make five-piece collections for Barbie and her crew. Butler gave the dolls deeply structural, origami inspired outfits, Mazhar brought luxury streetwear into the their sphere and SISTER's group is dressed to match the trio's A/W '13 runway. Selfridges' new Barbie department will showcase the best of designer Barbie collections throughout the ages and each of these outfits will be sold as special one-offs. Check out the three new collections below.


    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 17.17.00.jpg
    Barbie dressed by Fred Butler

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 17.13.31.jpg

    Barbie (and Ken) dressed by Nasir Mazhar

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 17.12.01.jpgBarbie dressed by SISTER by SIBLING


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    Each Monday, Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, will be recapping the Real Housewives of New Jersey for us. Below, their next installment.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-510-14_0.jpgCarey: Teresa woke early the morning following the last night of the castle retreat. It was that terrible, hot sleep that follows a night of heavy drinking. It wasn't dawn yet, but the room was still fairly lit with that stone morning color that only happens in the winter when it snows. Joe was asleep next to her, his mouth agape, taking in his labored breath, his lips protruding like he was pressing them against a plane of glass in his dream. Sometimes if she was awake as early as this, Teresa would hold her head directly above Joe's face and mouth swears, scream silently, make those monstrous faces you only make in the mirror in the single bathroom of a bar or restaurant as a way to get it out of your system so you don't make them in front of people.This time was different, though. Last night had been different. 'A good different!' Teresa thought, staring at the glowing white lace curtains across the room. What was that word? "Merry!" She said out loud, then covered her mouth. It was mostly soft, but loud enough for Joe to turn over then rest -- his body bobbing a little. She thought he looked like a water bed after someone lifted themselves out of it. She almost didn't want to leave the castle. If she could, Teresa would lay still in this large, regal bed in the static of pre-dawn for as long as she could -- where she is the only one awake in the world, but still not moving. No one's wife, no one's mother, or sister, or friend. Never moving. Just awake, and staring, and breathing. She suddenly felt older than anyone or anything that ever was. But yeah, the retreat is TOTALLY OVAAAA. And da faaaymily is back in Jerz. Melissa heads over to Joe Gorga's new "building site", which looks like a mental asylum from the 1900s.

    Eli: I'm not sure exactly what Joe Gorga is building here, but my best guess is "a large hole in the ground" or possibly a "mass grave." They make sure to get a bunch of construction b-roll of a man dropping a plank and Joe making super-construction-walkie-talkie-commands. "The project is almost done," he radios. "Almost done?" responds a hissing voice. "Yes, almost done." We cut to the subterranean level of the Denver airport. A hooded man removes a tiny glowing orb from his ear canal and places it back into a small holster on the wall. Above the holster is a candid photograph of Joe Gorga. The figure walks through winding halls, without any disruption or stuttering in his movement, almost gliding. He comes upon a stark concrete door, with an oval recess in its face. From the sleeve of his cloak extends a long, disgustingly sharp talon, which fits the recess perfectly. The slab lifts and we find ourselves in a dank chamber, lit by splashes of phosphorus on the walls. On a throne of mold, nude, sits Richard Bruce Cheney, jerking slightly in his labored breathing. The mold seems to have grown directly into his skin, especially above his heart, where there's a thick protrusion that expands and contracts, burping out little jets of gas. "How is... our progress... on the great Hole In The Ground?" wheezes Dick. The mysterious figure retracts his hood, and as he does, the scales up the sides of his neck and his face glisten in the sickly phosphorescent glow. "Disciple Gorga informs me it's almost complete," he replies, his voice breathy and wet. The growth on Dick Cheney's chest spasms slightly, in excitement, letting out a short burst of flame. "Good. You have... done well. Come nest while we await the next step." The lizard-man acquiesces, climbing the throne and roughly closing his thin lips around Cheney's protruding nipple. A glowing, bubbling solution drips from the corners of his mouth. "I guess he hung up," shrugs Joe Gorga.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-510-01_0.jpg Carey: The kids run around in the muddy cold grounds while Joe tells her he's going to be on a highway billboard for a local tanning salon called Sizzle Tans who want Joe and his hot bod to be their new "face." Melissa objects, noting that Teresuh once starred in a strange, grainy commercial for S.T. (Sizzle Tans) after the first season of the show, and she doesn't want Teresuh to say "She's copyin' me again!"
     
    Eli: They show clips of the aforementioned commercial and it is sad and terrifying and made my dog cry (I don't have a dog but I'm looking!) My personal hypothesis for Teresuh's SIZZLE TANS COMMERCIAL is that they injected her with a strong sedative, then attached her limbs to fishing line and controlled her like a marionette, using small injections of epinephrine in her face to make it spasm and seem like it was talking. This is all pretty run of the mill commercial know-how, you can look it up. (Don't look it up.) In fact, despite all those Activia commercials, Jamie Lee Curtis has been medically dead for over 2 years.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-510-03_0.jpg Carey: Melissa wants to keep this new-found, uneasy truce intact as long as she can. The girl doesn't have it in her right now. Then she talks about having a photo shoot for the cover of her FIRST book coming up, so she doesn't really need to be on a highway billboard. That's my new motto: "I don't need to be on a highway billboard." The photo shoots! Oh! Joe Gorga and his middle aged man friends head on over to the Sizzle zone to get this photo shoot started. Joe walks out from the bathrooms, looking like a picture of someone that a person is using for blackmail, superimposing his head onto this pile of inflatable copper in a bathing suit. His friends cheer as he flexes. Then they bring out a very willowy female model in a bikini to stand next to Joe in the shoot. She probably sort of sighed and said, "Sure" when her agent approached her about the gig, and spends the photo shoot sitting on Joe's back, getting lifted up and down while Joe's friends laugh and laugh.

    Eli: Maybe she's an escort. She seems perfectly nice, if a little off-type for the RHONJ cast (aka, doesn't look like a sketch from the first week of a beginner's figure drawing class.) She sort of looks like a fitness model who peed in a stream at the same time as a deer, and then lightning struck and they switched bodies. Then the Sizzle Tan guys found her wandering the woods while practicing frottage in a pile of wet leaves and cast her in a commercial. She's being paid 14 sugar cubes -- 2 below SAG minimum.

    Carey: Melissa starts out her shoot by asking two assistant/interns if they're excited to be there for her *first* photo shoot for her book cover. FIRST. FIRST!!!!!!!!!! HER FIRST PHOTO SHOOT FOR HER BOOK COVAAAAR. There will be more. So many more. She then suggests that maybe the cover should just be her in a big guy's T-shirt cause her book is about keeping marriage sexy. The assistant/interns sort of just nervously laugh and smile. Like everyone else does later when Melissa (ending up in a white and black gown) descends her staircase, demanding that the "hair fan" be on higher to keep her hair blowing for the shoot. "Turn the fan up," she repeats over and over again. She loves that fucking fan. When she's blow-drying her hair in the morning, she likes to point the blow-dryer at her face and stare at herself in the mirror with a scrunched, angry brow, yelling, "FOREVER/"

    Eli: Melissa had to be physically restrained with leather straps during Hurricane Sandy so she didn't climb to the top of their weather vane and whip her head back and forth, smiling so broadly she made tiny rips in the corners of her mouth. She regrets every day that she wasn't able to chew through those damned restraints.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-510-21_0.jpgCarey: Meanwhile! Kath and Sister Rosie are discussing Rosie being a lesbian. Rosie discloses about her desire for companionship in her middle-age, and concerns over loneliness later in life, and it's truly candid and earnest. Kathy remembers an instance where Tre tried to poison Ro-Ro with (obvious) lies that Kathy is ashamed of the G-A-Y equation in her immediate fam, and how that was in no way the reason why she didn't like the last girl Rosie dated. AGAIN, Kathy suggests that Rosie use "social networking for gays and lesbians" to find a mate. Thanks, Kath! They decide to screw that idea and Rich, Kathy, Melissa and Joe Gorga take Rosie to a lesbian bar in Soho. Melissa was probably like, "I hope I get hit on!" in the car on the way over. The bar gives them bracelets to differentiate their martial statuses. One says DTF. Rosie is not DTF, she says. She meets two bi girls, a straight "swinger" couple, then meets a Jane Seymour look-alike who lets Rosie nervously chat her up while never responding to one word of the soused up nonsense Rosie is spouting. Eventually, the mystery woman says goodbye and walks away. Bye, Fake Dr. Quinn, we hate you.

    Eli: This scene only cements my feelings against "SINGLES NITE" at any bar. Singles night to me seems like the most desperate form of connection, veiled by the idea that it's more straightforward or convenient. "BIND A GLOWSTICK TO YOUR FLESH TO INDICATE YOUR LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL NEED," bellows the stone idol standing at the entrance to the bar. "YOU ARE AN INCONSEQUENTIAL AND PITIABLE PUZZLE PIECE, IN NEED OF COMPLETION TO BE RECOGNIZED. FIVE DOLLAR WELL DRINKS AND TWO-FOR-ONE DRAFTS UNTIL 10 PM." I feel bad though, because Rosie is wonderful and should be sitting on a lifeguard chair, picking women from above to spend the rest of their life in her Jersey Strong Embrace.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-510-08_0.jpgCarey: During their first FAM SUNDAY DINNA of the year, Melissa tells her sister-in-law, while sitting at the 12+ person dining table of her sister-in-law's huge mansion, that she drove from her own huge mansion to drop something off at Jacqueline's huge mansion, where she and Caroline (who also has a huge mansion) convince Jacqueline to hear Teresa out if she asks her to talk. Melissa convinces Tre that the time has come. Tre calls Jacqueline while she's in a strange, empty toy store with her 10-year-old son CJ and invites her to get dinner and tawk. In her confessional interview, Teresa basically says she still hates Jacqueline but wants to keep the peace. Then Teresa says, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." You heard that here first. Jac and Tre (and their equally congested sounding husbands) meet at another vast restaurant with vast Oriental rugs, vast fireplaces, vast plates and vast silverware. Vast vast vast. The men head below retire to the "cigar room" to for some rekindling of their own. Teresa and Jacqueline exchange various, vague reasons for why their friendship (or faux-friendship, as Jacqueline now spins it) was ever burned, then put into an urn that was thrown into a reservoir. Teresa brings up the fact that Jacqueline "broke up a brother and sister," stated rumors that Juicy was "stepping out" on his bride. She also mentions Danielle Staub, and how Jacqueline used to be her friend but turned against her. And in that moment, I went into the bathroom, turned off the lights and said, "Danielle Staub" three times, and from the inside of the bathroom sink, I heard her whisper "Those women." Anyway, Jacqueline goes the predictable route and says, "I think you're a sociopath," and Teresa laughs and asks, "What is a sociopath even? Like a crazy person???" Ha! Downstairs, Chris and Juicy Joe make amends, cause that's what guys do, ya know? They go to cigar bars and make amends. Us guys! Let's never fight again, guys! OK? BACK UPSTAIRS, Teresuh drops the big bomb. She says, "I really believe there are evil people out there, and I just think you're one of them." Jacqueline's like, "Oh, Hell," and gives Teresa exactly what she wants by saying, "No, I'm not!" The episode ends with Tre asking her former BFF "What'd I ever do to you?" and Jacqueline going silent and just staring ahead. At first, the editing leads you to think maybe she really doesn't have a reason, but then you realize there's a whole other mess we didn't even know about.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-510-29_0.jpgEli: Teresa has a very pedestrian view of "evil," I suppose. When I think of evil, I usually think of someone like Hitler or Jeffrey Dahmer, but I suppose spreading rumors is up there. It does seem, however, that Teresa is much better than before the retreat -- though getting her to admit wrongdoing is still trickier than catchin' a hog in slop, which I assume/hope is a saying down south. All of the housewives seem to be sure that every other housewife is secretly plotting to take them "down," whatever down means to them, but instead of trying to resolve anything, they simply create newer plans and strategies in case of attack. In a very strange way, it's almost like a Shakespearean tragedy, except that most characters are both protagonist and antagonist. It's all one big mud-wrestling match, and whoever comes out holding the most tufts of the other's hair is the winner, and that winner gets a spin-off.

    Carey: Outside of the restaurant, Kim D the crow was no longer a crow, but back to regular, leather-panted dinosaur form. She stood just beyond the first step leading up to the porch of the restaurant, smoking a cigarette and looking upward. There was no one else outside. No one coming or going out of the restaurant door. No cars pulling in or out of the parking lot. The consistent swell of din from inside poured through. Somewhere, through the clinking and silver and plates, was Jacqueline and Teresa. "I can hear you," Kim D said, grinning, revealing her endless rows and rows of glass teeth. She dropped her cigarette and dug onto the cement pavement with the toe of her black boot, walking through the parking lot and into the woods.



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    Screen Shot 2013-08-05 at 4.07.23 PM.pngEach week in our Chefs Off Duty series, we talk to some of our favorite chefs and industry folk around the country to find out their secret late-night spots where they like to grab a bite and a pint when their kitchens are finally closed. Next up: Paul Liebrandt, the chef behind The Elm, the newly-opened restaurant inside the King & Grove Williamsburg, and formerly of Michelin starred Corton.

    Where do you like to grab a bite when you're leaving your own restaurant?

    I've always been a good fan of Blue Ribbon Sushi. It's a very consistent, great place and open late. It's always been convenient. I've been going there for over a decade. The first time I went, I was a novice to sushi because I had just moved to New York. It was one o'clock in the morning and was a wonderful environment to try [sushi] in.

    Screen Shot 2013-08-05 at 3.59.21 PM.pngOutside Blue Ribbon Sushi

    What are your favorite things to order there?

    I cannot go there without having the kaki fri oyster roll. It's so delicious. They also do probably the best green tea crème brûlée I've ever seen. There's a really nice agadashi miso broth there, too.

    Any fun stories from nights at Blue Ribbon?

    A few years ago, I was on a date there and the table next to me was Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake -- when they were still together -- along with Drew Barrymore and whoever she was dating at the time. I didn't even recognize them.

    Photo of Liebrandt by Evan Sung


    Blue Ribbon Sushi, 119 Sullivan St.; Open daily, noon-2am



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    If you were in need of a lot of surreal, repeating vignettes of weirdos being weirdos while doing weird things, look no further than MGMT's new video for "Your Life Is a Lie." The first single off of the band's self-titled album out September 17th, "Your Life Is a Lie" is short and repetitive but also very, very catchy -- it will be stuck in your head after half a listen. Things you'll see during the video include a crying rock, a skeleton chorus, a speedo-clad flasher, someone dressed as a squirrel looking through a magnifying glass, and a whole bunch of other crazy stuff. Watch (and gawk) above.

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  • 08/06/13--05:51: Super(Duper)Market 2013
  • Relive our 2nd annual Super(Duper)Market with all of our coverage gathered below in one spot. Yum!


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    Michele Bachmann = SNL Weekend Update's "The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With." For evidence, watch this brilliant mash-up, above. [via Hyper Vocal]

    tumblr_mr2f9bskeN1r0wqrdo1_500.jpg"Can you pay my Bills (Murray)? Can you pay my telephone Bills (Maher)? Do you pay my automo' bills (Clinton)? If you did then maybe we could chill. I - don't - think - you - do...so, you - and - me - are - through." [via Humor Train]

    tumblr_mqxqrc2YJS1qe0wclo1_500.jpgDAD-UH! Stop slut shaming us with your heteronormative interpretations! [via The Clearly Dope]

    tumblr_mbqv3qiMKY1rif532o1_500.gifChillest ping pong game eva. [via Bunny Food]



    This Thai commercial for a push-up bra has a plot twist that RuPaul's Drag Race casting agents really ought to see. [via Hyper Vocal]

    tumblr_mqquqzz2N91qznvrxo1_400.gifThis is our dream parlor trick. [via Coin Farts]

    Screen Shot 2013-08-05 at 5.49.19 PM.pngWhatever Photoshop skill set this photo requires...we're not quite there yet. [via Afternoon Snooze Button]

    tumblr_mqq8fx2Lfa1qc1jg4o1_400.gifNana don't care. [via The Clearly Dope]



    ICYMI: Jasons Sudeikis and Bateman, Will Forte and Ed Helms star in Mumford & Sons video for "Hopeless Wanderer." Come for Will Forte's gnarly beard and stay for his tender moment with Jason Sudeikis at the 3:39 mark. [via Rolling Stone]



    Two years ago Action Bronson was in a tampon commercial, FYI. (See him at the 0:11 mark.) [via Pitchfork]

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    After doing a cover of last year's undisputed song of the summer, "Call Me Maybe" -- which, by the way, is still amazing -- the Cookie Monster is back again with a chocolate chip-centric cover of Icona Pop's "I Love It." The Sesame Street version looks pretty damn similar to the original video, but instead of a meditation on being a '90s bitch, "Me Want It (But Me Wait)" is all about having the self-restraint to not eat a ton of delicious cookies when they're in front of you. Next time we see a plate full of fresh-baked Toll House, we'll try to keep Cookie Monster's wise words and frantic dancing in mind. Watch and enjoy, above.

    [via Vulture]

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    Heads up, British expat, former drummer in The Like and all-around babe-about-town Tennessee Thomas has created a new cool kid clubhouse-slash-modern day 'happening' in the East Village. Inspired by the intermingling of art, music and fashion in places like Andy Warhol's Factory, Thomas has opened up The Deep End Club, a pop-up shop where she can gather her crew of creative friends together and expose their work to the public. You can expect to find medical science-inspired jewelry by Meghan Farrell, dresses hand-painted with organic, small batch dyes made by Audrey Louise Reynolds, artwork by Adam Green, and exclusive mixtapes by the band, Skaters NYC, among other fun stuff that will be featured throughout the upcoming months. We got the chance to chat with Thomas about her store ahead of its opening party tonight and hear more about it. Read on.

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    How did this pop-up shop come to pass?

    I'd been walking past empty shop fronts in the East Village and fantasizing about having a shop/HQ in the vein of Vivienne Westwood and Malcolm McLaren's Let it Rock, a place to collaborate with all the incredible creatives in my scene, feature all their creations and create more. After looking at a few spaces I realized it was financially unrealistic. But I mentioned it to a few friends, and a couple of months later a friend said "I think I found you a shop" and introduced me to these ladies on 1st Ave. who owned A Repeat Performance and had just taken the lease on the shop next door and were looking for a partner to collaborate with. As those ladies already have so much amazing mid-century furniture and knick-knacks, it was a dream opportunity. They also have an orphanage in Nepal and with their anti-fracking and VOTE stickers on the window, I knew I was in good company!


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    What's your goal for the shop?

    I want the Deep End Club to be a happening! An experiment! It's been a fascinating experience having an open door -- I've [met] so many eccentric local characters and so many artists, and it's been brilliant so far.

    Where does the name for the store come from?

    Well, we've thrown ourselves straight into the deep end! My dad [Pete Thomas, drummer for Elvis Costello's band] had a thing called "The Deep End Club" when he was crazy in his band. If somebody called a Deep End Club meeting, everyone had to jump in the pool fully clothed regardless of what was in their pockets. It seemed appropriate. I also like that it's a club with a clubhouse.
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    What should we be on the look out for at The Deep End Club?

    All of my friends are incredibly creative, so it's been a lot of fun getting them all to contribute things to the shop. I am very excited about my friend Theodora Allen who is an incredible painter. I can't wait to see what happens next!

    Besides opening The Deep End Club, what other shenanigans have you been up to since The Like's hiatus?

    I moved to New York when the band split, utterly heartbroken, and really had to build a whole new life for myself. But it's been so much fun decorating my little magpie nest, and after so many years of touring, I must admit it's nice to have a home. I DJ three or four nights a week and I was given a job doing A&R for an independent record company. I've also been jamming a lot with some like-minded friends I've made since I got here and had a group called the Awareness Experiment that came about during the Occupy movement, which happened exactly when I arrived in New York.


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    Photos courtesy of @TheDeepEndClub on Instagram.

    The Deep End Club, 156 First Ave., New York; check out the store's opening party tonight from 5-8pm.

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