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  • 07/29/13--16:11: Recap: Tundra Livin'
  • Each Monday, Eli Yudin and Carey O'Donnell, authors of the very, very funny Twitter account @NotTildaSwinton, will be recapping the Real Housewives of New Jersey for us. Below, their next installment.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-509-01.jpgCarey: The noon sun was pale and dim, barely hanging above the lake covered by snow, and the black hills covered by forest. The castle retreat was still in full swing, the castle's cold stone cast in the shadow of the sun. Everything seemed to be sighing; not of relief, but maybe in resignation for something that hadn't come quite yet. Kim D the crow perched herself on a wood post on one far corner of the castle lawn, silencing some cawing crows that had followed her there. She looked up at one of the windows on the top floor of the castle, lit by an orange glow, against the rows of gray silent rooms around it. 'Yes,' she thought. 'Yes'. Inside, DR. V continued her assault on Teresuh and brudda Joe's feud. Teresuh did her best impression of a wet paper bag with a smiley face drawn on it and cried, cried, cried. V told her it was GOOD to cry, and soon enough, Brudda Joe got in on the cry-face action and squeezed his big sister hard. V sort of watched, panting, repeating over and over, "You two need some alone time." Ok, V, thanks. While the doctor continues making valid and very sane points to the estranged sibz, she also continues to be a tremendous hypocrite, and suggests bringing in Teresuh and Brudda's spouses. Isn't spouse the most terrible word? It sounds so sterile. Like shoes scuffing on a hospital floor, or that awful, quiet drone after you turn on the florescent lamps of an empty classroom. Anyway, Melissa and Juicy Joe come on in for some teeeeeerapy. V gets Melissa and "Tre" to make up and hug. The first hug is brutally uncomfortable, so Docta gets them to hug FOR REALZ. Teresa wraps her arms around her sister-in-law's waist and lifts her up. She looks like a child squeezing a dog or cat to test out their resistance for when they will inevitably suffocate it. Joe and Joe fake hug each other, too. They come downstairs to the others: Kathy, Creepy Rich, Sister Rosie, Goody Caroline, all waiting at the dining table where lunch has been occurring for the past 15 hours. Kathy gets super upset because V is like "payce" and gets in her black SUV to head back to LA and doesn't even bother trying to mediate Kathy and Teresa, because as Kathy says "I guess I'm not that important," and everyone's kind of like, "yeah that's true," and Teresa is like, "Ok, sorry I said that, Kath," and Kathy is like "Ok, I'm sorry, too." Done! BUT THE REAL STORY IS V GOING BACK TO LA!!!!! Back to LA, you go, V! Yay! LA! Away from these people and dead woods and hills and Kim D the crow and that horrible noise -- the sound of flies and glass rolling in with the coming woods and getting louder and louder each moment. Bye, V! Have fun in LA!

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-509-04.jpg
    Eli: There really isn't too much to say about the beginning of this episode simply because it's the closest to real life we've gotten on the show. Dr. V administers some very reasonable and appropriate, if perky, therapy to the KREW, while Rich, Rosie, and Kathy play in the snow outside in what looks like a very pleasant little day. Sort of like a Norman Rockwell painting if Norman Rockwell was really into knockoff Versace. During the snowball fight, I even found myself grinning out of endearment, which I can assure you has not happened with this show before. And then Dr. V and her fur vest Lisa (she's never said that she named her fur vest, or that it's named Lisa, but I think we can all extrapolate that) head off to get on the flying choo-choo to El Lah. And the fuse begins. How long can they continue the pleasantries before the claws come out again? I would also like it to be noted how disappointed I am in myself for using the phrase "the claws come out." Let's pretend I used it ironically. (I didn't.) After all, I'm still waiting for this show to end in a cannibalistic death-match, and I feel my odds are good.

    Carey: The uneasy family truce is a strange one. The men (and Rosie) head out to the frozen lake to go ice fishing with some gangly old local while the ladies stay behind to cook and get BUZZZZZZZED. Key word tonight: BUZZZED. Melissa, Tre, and Kath start cookin' up a storm. When I say Melissa is cookin', I mean Melissa supplies the cocktails.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-509-13.jpgEli: Apparently Melissa was unaware that cooking utilizes fire. When the kitchen becomes hot (from the fire) and then she burns her eyelashes (from the fire) she abandons ship and retreats to the comfort of glassware, ice, and juices that are more her speed. I will say, whatever my opinions are of the women on this show -- Teresa's not doing so well in my book -- they can cook like a motherfucker. These ladies are COOKING in a way that suggests there's a hostage involved. It made me hungry, but that may be because all I've had to eat today is Pedialyte.

    Carey: "We gonna get drunk tonight?" She asked. "I'm buzzed." She says. "You buzzed?" she asks Teresa later. That's what I used to say the first time I pretended to be drunk when I was 14 in the woods by this old pond in my hometown with a bunch of classmates who were probably wondering why I was even there to begin with. I drank maybe half a beer before I pulled a friend aside and said, "Hey...I'm definitely buzzed."

    Eli: My first alcohol time was at the after-party for the Woodrow Wilson Senior High School One-Acts, a collection of one-act plays. It was at Rosa Kelly's house, and someone drove me there in their trunk. It was straight scotch, followed by straight gin, which is a diet usually reserved for someone who fought in the Civil War and lost.

    real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-5-gallery-episode-509-16.jpgCarey: Melissa is BUZZED, though. Out on the ice, Joe and Joe begin to bicker a liiiiittle bit, but thankfully Creepy Rich and Sister Rosie diffuse the cro-magnon turf war by talking about Rosie's pubic hair. The dinner is remarkably light, albeit the minor air of tension. Caroline says she's not going to get Melissa-buzzed in case this tower of pleasant falls fast and she needs to get the eff out via her big fat SUV. Kim D the crow flaps her wings by the window, peering in at the slightly unified family. The crew even sways an uncharacteristically (drunk) sensitive Juicy Joe to suggest to Teresa that make up with Jacqueline and Chris, tears welling up in his puffy, wine-hangover eyes. 'All this talk,' Kim D thinks, 'it has to end'.

    Eli: Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Chris dine at "Bon Giovanni." Pretty uneventful, except that Jacqueline brings up the scenario in which Joe Gorga and Teresa's WEIRD WEIRD relationship stems from the fact that they've had incestual relations, a.k.a. boned. This is a favorite theory of Carey's so I'm sure he's glad that's now part of the conversation. Anyway, my curiosity finally overcame me, and I had to look up these restaurants to see if they even exist or if this whole show is taking place in an alternate universe which is one block of Italian restaurants. What follows are my favorite excerpts from the Yelp Reviews of Bon Giovanni, at 61 E Main St, Ramsey, NJ. Albert A., from Wanaque says they have "Excellent bread." Roman from Paramus thought that the "Buffalo mozzarella special was quite good although eggplant it came with was too salty" (2 stars). Michael of Bergen County calls it a "Decent local restaurant for a quick meal w/ a bottle of vino" (3 stars). Arissa from Saddle River went there for a "mini" graduation party, was given a beautiful watch by her parents, and then got pasta with a wad of black curly hair in it (1 star).

    Screen Shot 2013-07-29 at 6.06.51 PM.pngCarey: The family and Goody Caroline fell into a peaceful slight, their heads filling up fast with hot blood as they lay their heads down, drunk on wine, excitedly remembering vacations and dinners and cooking with each other and dancing and music and the muted glow of a far off-jetty on the beach at night. Outside, the night was in its deepest point, the one or two hours before pre-dawn when most things are sleeping and anything else awake, shouldn't be. Kim D the crow was awake, though. She doesn't sleep. Atop the highest chimney of the castle, she looked out across the white lake, illuminating beneath the mauve opaque above. She thought of this peace, both inside and outside the castle, and for the first time, she was worried. But the glow of a new dawn could be seen behind the farthest valley across the way. It was a pale red, not emerging for at least another hour. A sickly red, bringing with it that sweet, familiar dread Kim D loved so much, moving across the snow and ice, dragging only the tips of its toes, pressing against the cold window pane that kept in the warmth of the castle rooms and their inhabitants. She couldn't wait for the light.







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    Screen Shot 2013-07-26 at 4.06.55 PM.pngLast year's Super(Duper)Market. Photo by Atisha Paulson.

    After its super-successful debut last year, the annual Super(Duper)Market is back and ready to celebrate the best artisanal food-makers from across the country. The three-day pop-up super-store will feature some of PAPER's favorite East Coast, West Coast and between-coast food vendors selling their super-delicious products. Expect to leave with a lot of locally-sourced, handmade goodies and a full belly.

    The Super(Duper)Market will be open Friday, August 2nd, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.; Saturday, August 3rd, 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.; and Sunday, August 4th, 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. Cash and credit cards are accepted.

    Participants will include:

    BROOKLYN
    Better Off Spread
    Brooklyn Soda Works
    Butter & Scotch
    Cutie Pies

    Dee & Ricky
    Eatrepreneur Popcorn
    Empire Mayonnaise
    Fred's Marshmallows
    The Gefilteria
    Jack's Chedbred
    La Esquina
    La Newyorkina
    Momofuku Milk Bar
    Monsieur Singh Lassi
    Morris Kitchen
    Right Tasty
    Salty Road
    Sour Puss Pickles
    Steve's Authentic Key Lime Pies
    The Jam Stand
    The Splendid Spoon

    DETROIT
    Beaubien Fine Foods
    Detroit Zen Center
    Great Lakes Coffee
    Industrial-Post
    Rightfully Raw
    Slow Jams Jam
    The Brinery
    The Malcolm Tradition
    Thokku by JaynRoss

    LOS ANGELES
    Health-Ade

    NEW ORLEANS
    Clare Crespo's Crocheted Oyster Bar
    Imperial Woodpecker Sno-Balls

    MANHATTAN
    AndrewAndrew
    Best Made Company
    Breads Bakery
    Cynthia Rowley CuRious Candy
    Kitchen Arts & Letters
    Screaming Mimis

    OAKLAND
    Creative Growth Art Center

    ORLEANS, VT/BROOKLYN, NY
    SlantShack Jerky

    PORTLAND
    Pok Pok Som
    The Meadow

    SAN FRANCISCO
    Modern Appealing Clothing

    SPRINGFIELD, MO
    Askinosie Chocolate

    SUSSEX COUNTY, NJ
    Autumn & Hive

    GO GLOBAL AT THE TARGET BOOTH:

    Featuring high-quality and delicious food products from their Archer Farms collection, Target's "Dish You Were Here!" booth will offer recipe cards for whipping up dishes from around the world, including Mango Curry Shrimp Pizza, Chipotle Gazpacho and Spiced Mexican Brownies, among other globe-trotting treats. Target will also provide unique complimentary snacks inspired by the foods of Korea, India, Spain, France, Mexico and Morocco.


    WIN A SEAT AT THE EXCLUSIVE TWEAT DINNER HOSTED BY AMERICAN EXPRESS®:

    In celebration of The Blue Cash Preferred® Card and Blue Cash Everyday® Card, American Express will host an exclusive TwEAT Dinner in honor of foodies, fans and friends of American Express at the Super(Duper)Market on Friday, August 2. Consumers can follow @AmericanExpress for an opportunity to tweet for a seat at the social supper on July 30! The Blue Cash Preferred® Card and Blue Cash Everyday® Card from American Express allow Cardmembers to earn cash back in the form of Reward Dollars.


    superduper_open.jpg



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    Here's a video that'll make you so squirmy you might pick out your eyelashes a little (just us?): a local news station did a segment on "hipster culture" in St. Louis, complete with a reference to the Merriam-Webster definition of hipsters. [via Uproxx]

    tumblr_mq9owz3vXe1rkbzf7o1_500.jpgLadies and gentlemen, Denny's FTW. [via The Clearly Dope]



    This dude covered Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" while doing impressions of cartoon characters from Family Guy, South Park and The Simpsons and of celebrities like Jack Nicholson, Christopher Walken and President Obama. His four-part Family Guy harmony is a thing of beauty. [via Tastefully Offensive]

    tumblr_mpj4baItjl1qa1iiqo1_500.jpgYou're too kind. [via Rats Off]

    tumblr_mqmlifejS91qblvwso2_500.pngtumblr_mqmlifejS91qblvwso3_500.pngOur favorite kind of dinner. [via Julia Segal]

    tumblr_mqf2u2vVkY1rn7bzro1_500.jpgNah, but we might've asked the hottie in the back, far right for his digits. [via Knusprig Titten Hitler]


    Jimmy Kimmel sent a reporter around Hollywood Blvd. asking wives what they would do if their husbands sent photos of their penis to other women. The last wife's response is the best...and so is her husband's. [via Jimmy Kimmel]



    Last night, Jimmy Fallon made his latest supercut of Brian Williams rapping and this time it's to Marky Mark's classic "Good Vibrations." It's surprisingly good. [via Tastefully Offensive]

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    Madonna's back with a new secret project called ... #SecretProject -- which, ugh, when will putting hastags in the official title of something stop being trendy? Madge already teased a little clip of the #SP a month ago and what you see above you is a combination of the two trailers. Here's what everyone knows about it so far: Madge is working with photographer/filmmaker Steven Klein (who worked on visuals for her Re-Invention, Celebration and Sticky & Sweet tours) and Rihanna will be involved. Based on the trailer -- which is full of near-naked men, ballet dancing, simulated prison abuse, a rant about the necessity of acceptance, and a very stressed, twitchy-looking eyeball -- we'd say Madonna and Riri-dressed-as-Madonna are going to sexxxily beat up their prisoners, realize their error and join forces to stop the abuse. But only after the realization that they actually just want to make out/grind on each other while an old woman in a hooded cloak, standing in a corner whispers "it's a secret" over and over again while a ripped dude holds a baby that's wearing an eye patch. You know, the usual Madonna stuff. Watch above.

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    Though Jeffrey Deitch spent much of his tenure as director of MOCA fending off criticism, which ultimately led to his resignation last week, few would argue against the fact that he brought a fresh perspective and innovative ideas to the Los Angeles art institution. And now a new video directed by Jesse Dylan, a filmmaker and founder of Wondros production company (and, yes, the son of Bob), sees Deitch discussing his art philosophy, the threads of which could be found both in his now-closed SoHo gallery, Deitch Projects, and, of course, in the shows produced during his time at MOCA. The curator talks about the first time he connected with art ("I was twelve years old and I remember being struck by a Fernand Léger lithograph and it just spoke to me"), reflects on the importance of art history, and describes what he values in a work of art ("I'm always looking for art that engages life, that connects to people. Artists who redefine what an artist can be."). He also addresses the controversy behind his leadership at MOCA and defends the more pop-focused exhibits produced during his reign, including the museum's (ultimately wildly successful) 2011 survey of graffiti and street art. Though he may be out at MOCA, watching this video has us excited for what Deitch will be up to next.

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    Hot fun in the summer time! We gathered some of our new favorite delicious and delightful NYC drag divas to model the latest in bodacious beachwear. Say hello to a cavalcade of painted ladies who show that you can stay cool in the heat without sacrificing one ounce of high-fashion nightclub glamour!

    queensofsummer01.jpg

    queensofsummer06.jpg
    Daphne J Sumtimez

    How did you come up with your name?
    Daphne is a nymph in Greco-Roman mythology. She's, like, really pretty but she hates love and resents what being so pretty forces her into, so she turns into a tree. It's a myth about beauty and gender normativity. "Sumtimez" is a nod to sum fun timez with dissociative personality disorder.

    Who are your idols?

    Cher, Joan Rivers, my sisters, Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, Karen Walker, Amanda Palmer, Bjôrk. Oh! And Vivian the Shadow Siren from Paper Mario.

    What were you like as a teenager?
    I was a popular kid and a bully. And real smart. I was pretty much perfect.  Dunno what happened.

    Do you have a day job or another job besides performing?

    I do! I'm a rich white woman's personal assistant.

    What's the biggest mistake that new drag queens make?
    Don't care so much about being good! I have ruined so many great nights and great shows by getting caught up in whether or not the crowd was living for me. Who gives a fuck? If you're not having fun, nobody is going to have fun watching you. Just do the drag that you feel good doing and the recognition comes. Also, always douche. Always.

    Bottom photo: Daphne's jumpsuit by Ritual Vintage.


    queensofsummer02.jpg
    queensofsummer11.jpgMacy Rodman

    How did you come up with your name?
    I didn't, my mom did. It's the feminine of Mason (my brother) and she slept with Dennis Rodman. Plus if you look up my skirt, you May See Rod, Man.

    What drew you to the scene in NYC?

    I've always wanted to live here, but when I moved here there wasn't really anything going on I could totally relate to. I started performing wherever I could and eventually met a bunch of awesome like-minded people and we've now carved out a weird little niche for ourselves and I couldn't be happier.

    Where/when can people catch you performing?
    I have a party called "BathSalts" every Monday at Don Pedro in Bushwick, and every second and fourth Thursday at TNT in Williamsburg for "Oxy8000."

    Who are your idols?
    Amy Winehouse, Courtney Stodden, Alexis Neiers, Britney Spears, Shania Twain, Lara Croft, Barbara Walters, and John Wayne Gacy.

    What do you think about the Brooklyn drag scene's newfound attention?

    I love it! New little drag babies popping up warms my heart, and seeing my friends get better and encourage each other is a huge thrill.

    Where are you from? What were you like as a teenager?
    Juneau, AK. I spent half my teens as a motivated scholar and the other half as a lost little emo dumbass who gave her parents heart palpitations regularly.

    What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started as a drag performer?

    The importance of full coverage foundation. Cover Girl ain't gonna cover it, girl, you need to be on that Ben Nye/Kryolan tip to take the man outta your face.

    What's the biggest compliment you've ever gotten on your drag look?
    "You look exactly like Amanda Bynes."

    Macy's bikini top by Ritual Vintage.

    queensofsummer03.jpg
    queensofsummer09.jpgThorgy Thor

    How did you come up with your name?
    Thorgy is my real name, (sort of). Thor is my actual middle name, and my last name starts with a G: Thor-G. I thought it was different and quirky and it stuck. 

    What drew you to the drag scene in NYC?
    Oh lord, I couldn't help it!  I'm a Long Island cat, born and raised. I used to cut school when I was way too young and take the LIRR into the city and go to queer clothing shops and stare at gorgeous people. Performance has always come naturally to me. I'm a ham for the stage and when you pair that with my insomnia, it's a recipe for nightlife entertainment! 

    When did you know you wanted to be a drag performer?
    I've always loved fashion and stage craft and performance art for as long as I can remember.  When I was little, I wanted to be a garbage man because they get to ride on the back of those trucks all day. But, as I got older, I was drawn to music and stage direction. Then I wanted to be a stylist for a long time. But I feel all of these elements come together in drag performance art. I mean, where else can you get paid to dress like a giant piece of broccoli and sing Barbra Streisand hits live? 

    Where/when can people catch you performing?
    I'm at the Ritz for Saliva every Tuesday night starting at 11 p.m. -- it's "drag art in the heart of NYC!"  I'm also at Lucky Cheng's right in Times Square three days a week.  You can catch me on stage at Queen the second Thursday of each month at Industry Bar. And I co-host a wonderful live auction of over 40 items called "Alotta Stuff!!!" the last Thursday of each month at Metropolitan bar in Brooklyn.  

    Who are your idols?

    Gilda Radner.  I love her humor and her seamless craft for the stage.  

    What do you think about the Brooklyn drag scene's newfound attention?
    There are many new dragsters emerging recently -- probably five more this second as I type!   I've been working in Brooklyn as a nightlife entertainer for about four or five years now. Only now is drag becoming cool everywhere, so it's only natural that New york is pulling in all kinds of creative people. I think it's awesome. What is difficult, from my perspective, is staying relevant and interesting in this industry. Any given night has 40 queens hosting shows at 40 different bars. It gets to be a bit overwhelming sometimes. I have to take a second to regroup and create a new look to remind myself why I love working in this industry so much. 

    Do you have a day job or another job besides performing?
    Did I mention I'm also a professional violinist, violist and cellist? I've been playing violin/viola since I was small and got a scholarship to study in college. I graduated from Purchase Conservatory. I now find most of my work as a cellist, surprisingly, but I teach private lessons to students on each instrument and play for professional orchestras and opera companies year-round. I've also had some great opportunities recording albums with some wonderful artists.

    What's the biggest mistake that new drag performers make?
    Showing up with a bad attitude. In New York, you never know who you will run into. I always remember queens with a great attitude, but I also remember when I meet a queen with a sour one. What's that quote? "Be nice to people on your way to the top, because you'll meet them on the way down."

    Top photo: Thorgy's swimsuit by Ritual Vintage; vest by Harriets by Hekima, available at Better Than Jam.
    Bottom photo: Thorgy's vest by Encore.
     
    queensofsummer04.jpgMiz Jade

    What drew you to the drag scene in NYC?
    I actually performed a bunch of times and won a few competitions before I started taking drag seriously. It wasn't until someone I was dating made me choose between performing and being with him that I realized how much I loved being a performance artist. Giving that up was definitely not an option. Besides, who wouldn't want someone as fabulous as Jade? So he had to go, honey boo boo!

    Where/when can people catch you performing?
    In Brooklyn, I perform at a show called Locally Grown at a bar called Tandem on the second Tuesday of each month). I also perform at Trifecta at Sugarland, which is currently being revamped, so look out, and The Raptured After Party, a 'floating' monthly event, currently at the House of Yes. Outside of Brooklyn, I perform with Haus of Sweat (a 90's fly girl/party starters) at Mission, presented by Cherie Lily and Dan Darlington. Mission is usually the second or third Sunday of the month at Santos Party House, but this summer we are doing it as a pool party at The Pines Pavilion on Fire Island. Haus of Sweat was also just requested to be monthly performers and party starters at Do The Right Thing, an awesome '90s hip hop party at The Ritz, presented by Cazwell and Peppermint. I myself am working on getting a weekly event somewhere in the tri-state area, so stay tuned!

    Where are you from? What were you like as a teenager?
    I was born and raised in Yonkers, New York, home of DMX, the LOX, D-Block, Mary J Blige, Jadakiss... and Steven Tyler. As a teenager, I was trouble. Like most teenagers I went through a lot of extreme stages: I had no respect for adults (I still have issues with authority figures), I struggled with my sexual orientation, my religious beliefs and accepting who I am as well as accepting where I have come from. It's all part of the journey.

    Do you have a day job or another job besides performing?
    First and foremost, I'm a professionally trained dancer. I dance with DiMauro Dance Company and Crooked Mouth, and I also teach at dance studios across the tri-state area. As an off-shoot, I am also a dance-fitness instructor. Additionally, I'm a dog walker and I sell eco-friendly home, beauty, and nutritional products through my company Shades of Green.   I'm a Jane of all trades, and try to satisfy all the passions in my life, from my love of animals to my passion for dance and fitness.

    What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started?
    That it's OK to eat food while in drag. Or at least I think it is -- a girl's gotta keep her figure somehow!

    Miz Jade's swimsuit by Rags-A-GoGo.

    queensofsummer05.jpgqueensofsummer10.jpgMisty Meaner

    How did you come up with your name?
    I started off as Misty Newaters, then met a queen named "Teena Bortion." I died, and knew I needed a name that was memorable and catchy. I also wanted to be feared and respected, so Misty Meaner was a perfect fit.

    What drew you to the drag scene in NYC?
    I started doing drag on Fire Island because I grew up 10 minutes from the ferry. After doing it a few summers in a row, going back to the L.I. gay nightlife scene was like slow torture. So one summer I saved up and used all my Fire Island contacts to get and keep me out here.

    Where/when can people catch you performing?
    Every Wednesday, Mocha Lite and I do Mermaids Only (#mermaidsonly) at Bartini Ultra Lounge. Every Thursday, I do an impersonation of Patsy Stone from Absolutely Fabulous with M'Lady Uppercrust in Ab Fab: Schmoozin' and Boozin' from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. at Boots and Saddles. Also the first and third Thursday of every month I host Beer Pong at Phoenix Bar NYC after 11 p.m. Fridays, I do Boots and Saddles again at 9 p.m. in Meaner Meaner Meaner :The Meanest Show in the West Village. You can also catch us bouncing around Hosting Tuesdays at WestGay at Westway, Fire Island and the Ritz on Saturdays, and just about everywhere you don't want to see me.

    Who are your idols?
    A lot of my idols are women that got everything because of how beautiful they were -- Anna Nicole, Pam Anderson, Karen Walker and Janice Dickinson. Also, I have always, and will always, love Christina Aguilera. She's my pop queen.

    What's the biggest mistake that new drag performers make?
    Everything and everything! The biggest mistake is when these girls think because they have one nice photo taken they're untouchable, perfect and nothing about them needs to change. But you grow and change constantly and you should always try to be getting better at what you do. I wish when I started I had someone like me willing to reach out a helping hand and teach me things. I have a lot of daughters and sisters who I share all my tips with.

    What's the biggest compliment you've ever gotten on your drag look?
    This will go down in history as my best compliment: Someone recently ran up to me on Fire Island and said one simple sentence that I'll never forget: "OMG! You look Asian!" My heart melted. That's the greatest compliment I've ever gotten.

    Top photo: Misty Meaner's ring on left by Adornia.


    queensofsummer07.jpgCher Noble

    How did you come up with your name?
    I have always been obsessed with the Chernobyl disaster and one day I just realized what a great drag name it would be. Not only does it include the definitive queen words, "Cher" and "Noble," but it is also has nuclear and mutant connotations.

    What drew you to the scene in NYC?
    I moved to New York for the diversity of the city. There's a little bit of everything here. Bushwig was the thing that really cemented my interest, though. I love the idea of so many performers coming together to give one great show.

    Where/when can people catch you performing?

    In Brooklyn you can find me every month at my show with Hamm Samwich called Marry/Fuck/Kill or at Trey LaTrash's Dizzyland. I also host Susanne Bartsch's On Top at Le Bain in Manhattan.

    Where are you from? What were you like as a teenager?
    I grew up in Des Moines, Iowa but I became the person I am today in Ames, Iowa. I was a pretty geeky teenager. I went to a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show every week with my best friend and loved playing video games. Not much has changed since then.

    What's the biggest mistake that new drag queens make?
    Generally, I think if you aren't changing the shape of your face, you're just the same person wearing makeup, but I also think drag is an art form with no right or wrong answer.

    Cher Noble's swimsuit by Malin Landaeus.

    queensofsummer08.jpgHorrorchata

    What drew you to the scene in NYC?
    I wanted a bigger and brighter life.

    When did you know you wanted to be a drag performer?
    I started gender bending when I came out eight years ago

    As the founder of Bushwick's first drag festival, BUSHWIG, what do you think about the Brooklyn drag scene's newfound attention?
    The kids are hungry, so I wanna feed them!

    Where are you from? What were you like as a teenager?
    I'm a Texas girl. I was a goth/punk/emo/hardcore kid.

    Do you have a day job or another job besides performing?
    I tend bar and DJ monthly parties in Brooklyn.

    What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started as a drag performer?

    When I look back at my makeup six years ago ... OMG, I was so bootleg.

    What's the biggest compliment you've ever gotten on your look?
    One time my mom called me and said, "Hijo, you look like Selena. " I cried. I love my mom!


    queensofsummer12.jpgStevie Zar

    What drew you to the scene in NYC?
    I moved to New York City with work as a dancer and just craved opportunities to perform more. I was going to drag shows hosted by a group of transplant dance majors like myself that went by the name Backspace. The group transforms typical bar drag into a performance experience that can easily sit comfortably in a downtown New York dance theatre. I immediately saw this as an opportunity.

    When did you know you wanted to be a drag performer?
    I always thought it was a cool thing, but never for me. My last year in school, when I was getting ready to move to New York and taking an LGBT studies course, I was watching a lot of old drag mainly from the '80s in New York and I started to formulate how it could work if I did it. I started going out in the nightlife scene. I wanted to perform more so I did a pageant hosted by Backspace and I was in the game. It has became a great multidisciplinary art venture that I don't feel anywhere close to being done with yet.

    How long does it take you to get ready?
    I always give myself three hours from the second I start shaving my face, until I walk out the door. Ideally I like to take my time, but sometimes you have to cut that time in half.

    Where are you from? What were you like as a teenager?
    Milwaukee. I was awkward as most teenagers are. I was on varsity swimming, student council, was drum major, band, choir, theater, all of that, but pretty much hated school. I had a great little group of adventurous friends.

    Do you have a day job or another job besides performing?
    Sometimes dance rehearsals are my day job, but I work a lot at a boutique in the East Village which thankfully supplements living here.

    What do you know now that you wish you'd known when you started as a drag performer?
    I wish I would have just realized how many hoops I'd have to constantly jump through. Nightlife can get complicated for no necessary reason and you just have to be resilient, because the situation is less than ideal more often than not.

    Stevie's suit by Collections.


    Photographed at Chelsea Daylight Studio
    Styling and prop styling by Sarah Lathrop
    Photographer's assistant: Isabel Alcantara

    Produced by Elizabeth Thompson


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    marina_reddit_ama.jpgThis afternoon legendary performance artist and Lady Gaga Hamptons +1, Marina Abramović, dipped her toes into the (often fetid, occasionally enlightening) swamp known as Reddit for an Ask Me Anything. She was a good sport and answered questions ranging from her painful breakup with longtime collaborator/lover Ulay to whether she takes Jay-Z seriously.  A sampling of some of the best questions and answers, below.

    So what does she really think of Hova?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.24.34 PM.pngWhat's the story behind her famous goodbye with former collaborator/lover Ulay?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.20.12 PM.png
    And what was it like to see him again during The Artist Is Present?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.21.02 PM.png



    And, speaking of The Artist Is Present, were there any obnoxious people she had to sit across and stare at?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.24.59 PM.pngDid she ever have to sneeze?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.25.31 PM.pngWhat was going through her head?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.25.58 PM.png
    What's been the most intense emotion she's felt during her career?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.25.13 PM.png
    Is she an ageless vampire?
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    Does she regret never having children?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.20.23 PM.png
    What should we be asking her?
    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 1.35.45 PM.png
    Why does she have a Kickstarter campaign for her new center?
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    What does she think of spirituality and why won't she fall in love with another artist?
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    Leaked Lana Del Rey music has been popping up left and right for a few weeks now: first there was "Black Beauty," then there was "So Legit" (the early song of Del Rey's in which she mildly disses Lady Gaga) and today we have the psychedelic and Middle Eastern-inspired "Maha Maha." The track was probably meant to be on Born To Die but got scrapped -- and with patently silly lyrics like "there's someone I have never talked about / I know that we both be dead if you found out" and "maha maha maha maha maha maha," that doesn't come as a big surprise. That said, "Maha Maha" is as torchy and catchy as anything Del Rey produces and seems like it would make a great background song for James Bond and Kamal Khan's backgammon game in Octopussy. Listen above.

    [via Stereogum]




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  • 07/30/13--14:30: An Ode to Max Fish
  • Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 4.21.23 PM.pngPhoto via nacho26

    RIP Max Fish, the bar that never lost its cool.

    Location trucks from a movie being shot around the corner line one side of Ludlow Street while on the other side hundreds (probably thousands during the course of the night) pour out from the crammed Max Fish bar to pay tribute to a great downtown cultural institution and to Ulli Rimkus, the tall, striking woman who has kept it going all these years, the catalyst for the vibe that has created this frenzy of excitement, the last night of Max Fish (to be resurrected in Williamsburg!).

    When Max Fish opened some 25 years ago on a "drug-infested" street in a low-rent neighborhood inhabited mostly by artists, musicians and local Hispanics, no one could have predicted that 25 years later it would be priced out of the neighborhood and be treated with the reverence of a latter day CBGB. Once a scary neighborhood and the only bar on the block -- if not on the entire Lower East Side -- it was always friendly to the locals as well as the celebs like Jim Jarmusch, Johnny Depp, James Gandolfini, Matt Dillon and others. Rimkus treated everyone the same, following the credo we have often espoused here at Paper -- treat the celebrities like nobodies and nobodies like celebrities. Artists Tom Otterness, Kiki Smith, Charlie and John Ahearn, Jane Dickson and others from the Colab group were friends and regulars. Aaron Rose's Alleged Gallery, where many of the now-legendary street artists like Shepard Fairey, Chris Johanson and Thomas Campbell had their first shows, was next door and Max Fish was their local hang whenever they were in town. Art critic, PAPER editor, and erstwhile doorman Carlo McCormick welcomed his eclectic band of artist, musician and writer friends with complimentary drinks thanks to Ulli's generosity and appreciation of the creatives in her midst. And, of course, there were the skater boys like Jason Dill, Steve and Alex Olson and Dustin Dollin along with Mark and Tino Razo who worked at the bar.

    Many of the old timers were there last night, remembering the good times and bitching about what had become of the neighborhood, now a high-rent district with a Bourbon Street feel on the weekends. But for one last night, it was like the good old days: hanging with friends, making new friends, enjoying a cool summer breeze. But it wasn't until I headed home, taking the walk I had taken many times before that I realized it was over, that there would be no turning back the time.

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    Photo via superneck

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 4.11.52 PM.pngPhoto via uncleowen

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 4.13.04 PM.pngPhoto via fatsal13

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 4.14.54 PM.pngOwner Ulli Rimkus; Photo via sirjarlsberg

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 4.08.55 PM.pngPhoto via superneck

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 4.16.11 PM.pngPhoto via youlovepoon

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 4.18.39 PM.pngPhoto via andybodey

    Screen Shot 2013-07-30 at 4.10.35 PM.pngPhoto via fjolae


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    The trailer for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, the upcoming movie that Ben Stiller both directs and stars in alongside everyone you want to be besties with -- including Kristen Wiig, Shirley MacLaine, Patton Oswalt, Sean Penn, Adam Scott, and Kathryn Hahn -- has finally arrived. Stiller's Secret Life of Walter Mitty is loosely based on a story James Thurber published in the New Yorker in 1939. Where Thurber's Walter Mitty is a man who escapes his nagging wife by imagining himself in all sorts of war/hospital/spy drama scenarios, Stiller's is an unmarried photo researcher at Life magazine whose fantasies are more far-reaching. The trailer itself is visually epic but unrevealing: we learn that Mitty is interested in Wiig's character, that Adam Scott absolutely needs to shave right now, and that Sean Penn plays himself coming alive from a picture. The rest of the trailer shows Mitty's flights of fancy in various pretty ways, set to the twee tune of music by Of Monsters and Men. Watch above.

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    bangstaches.pngbangstaches2.pngLadies and gentlemen, our new favorite fake meme courtesy of College Humor: Bangstaches. Zooey Deschanel looks like Smitty, the kindly neighborhood grocer.




    No Shit "Social Experiment" News of the Day: Here are two videos showing that men are more willing to accept offers of sex from an attractive stranger than women. Shout out to the girl who throws the drink. [Hypervocal]

    T1FG.jpgGlenn Catzig. [Mlkshk]

    tumblr_ludq77MDfJ1qi538ho1_500.giftumblr_ludq77MDfJ1qi538ho2_500.gifYou can do all that you can, but you'll never top that. [LaughterKey]

    tumblr_lx35ogbckg1qbutz5o1_500.jpgComme des Gar-FUN. [FYeahDementia


    Tough week? Here's a video of a meerkat being tickled and laughing. [TastefullyOffensive]

    tumblr_mqoo8l89Hz1sbnooro1_500.gif

    Dirt McGirt 4-ever. [JuliaSegal]

    givenup.jpgNot enough wine/tear stains. [LanaDelRayJ]

    tumblr_mqojo6jQKL1qzptwgo1_1280.jpg
    Some day. [RatsOff]



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    Ever since The Outs ended, there's been a big, web series-shaped hole in our hearts. But now Adam Goldman, Beautiful Person Hunter Canning -- who plays a straight guy this time around -- and the rest of the crew are back with the first episode of their new series "Whatever this is." Unlike The Outs, which focuses on the process of ending a relationship and becoming friends with an ex, "Whatever this is." is about the shitty jobs people take in their early-to-mid twenties. Whether they're working on a fictional Real Housewives of the Upper East Side or being straight-up unemployed, the characters' experiences will either give you nightmarish flashbacks to the part of your life when you were paying your dues and had a perpetually overdrawn bank account or feel utterly, uncomfortably familiar.  Watch the full first episode above.

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    Screen Shot 2013-07-31 at 12.12.25 PM.pngOn September 7th, Bushwig -- the annual festival of drag near and dear to our hearts -- will throw their big bash for the second year in a row. Held at Secret Project Robot from 1pm to midnight, Bushwig celebrates Bushwick's inclusive, fishy-to-cuckoo-to-butch drag scene. In addition to booty-bumbing DJ sets and enough barbecue to feed the hungry masses, there will be over 50 performances featuring Jiggly Caliente from Ru Paul's Drag Race, Brooklyn drag mother Merrie Cherrie, and a bunch of our new favorite queens from our fabulous drag beachwear photoshoot. So get tickets here and start prepping your lewk now, hunty.

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    Angel Haze is back with a confessional and condemning rendition of Kanye's "New Slaves." After tweeting "Got bored. Here's something NEW" this morning, Haze dropped a track that uses the original "New Slaves" beat and takes on different systems which promote inequality. First, like Kanye, she raps about the disenfranchisement of her mother's era; then she makes a concise and very accurate list of all that's wrong with America these days: "Women being raped / judges diminishing the case. / Got stupid actors making statements / like they ain't got cameras in their face. / Cost too much to go to college / n****s still end up jobless. / And all these cops are corrupt / it's self defense why they shot em." Listen above.

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    bubbles1.jpgBea wears a dress and headband by J. Crew.

    bubbles2.jpgLily wears a vintage coat from Melet Mercantile, t-shirt by Forever 21, shorts by Burberry, boots by Palladium and socks by Sunspel.

    bubbles3.jpg

    Evan wears shirts by Levi's, shorts by Burberry, hat by Levi's from H.W. Carter & Sons, sunglasses by Paul Smith, backpack and sandals by H&M and socks by Sunspel.

    bubbles-4.jpg
    Romana wears a blouse by Burberry and pants by Guess.

    bubbles5.jpgAlbert Maysles (left) wears a suit by Ruben, shirt and tie by Brooks Brothers and glasses by Barton Perreira. Helen Marden (right) wears a trench by Burberry, shirt by Forever 21, pants by Rag & Bone, sunglasses by Tom Ford, shoes by Gucci, watch by Cartier and vintage Jewelry from Screaming Mimi's. 

    bubbles6.jpgDapper Lou wears a t-shirt and shorts by Ralph Lauren, hat by Borsalino, shoes by Paul Smith and watch by Brera Orologi.

    bubbles7.jpgKaitlin wears a bikini top by H&M, shorts by Big Star and vintage motorcycle boots from Screaming Mimi's.

    bubbles8.jpgMinai wears a pajama shirt by Sleepy Jones and trunks and sneakers by H&M.

    bubbles9.jpgAlex (left) wears a t-shirt by Marc Jacobs, pants by Marc by Marc Jacobs, sunglasses by Paul Smith, sneakers by Converse, watch by Casio and vintage silver rings from Screaming Mimi's. Aine (right) wears a plaid shirt by Marc Jacobs, t-shirt by Forever 21, pants by J Brand and shoes by JuJu.

    bubbles10.jpgMr. So and So wears a vintage tuxedo by Paul Smith and cufflinks by Maker & Company.

    bubbles11.jpgEve wears a dress, sunglasses, bag and shoes by Louis Vuitton and vintage socks from Screaming Mimi's.

    bubbles12.jpgBea (left) wears a dress and headband by J. Crew and sandals by Saltwater. Nicholas (right) wears a blazer, shirt and pants by Crew Cuts.

    bubbles13.jpgJohn (left) wears a suit by Stuart Lamprell Bespoke, shirt by Anto Beverly Hills and shoes by Edward Green.

    bubbles14.jpg(l-r) Jean wears a blazer and blouse by H&M, shorts by Ralph Lauren, hat by Deena & Ozzy and sneakers by Superga. Joe wears a suit and shoes by Brooks Brothers and t-shirt by William Rast. Harry wears a polo by Prada, pants by Ralph Lauren, sunglasses by Ray-Ban and shoes by Vans.

    Bubbles created by Kishan Mahabir


    Photographer's Assistant: Meron Menghistab
    Casting: Barbara Pfister
    Prop stylist: Sarah Lathrop
    Digitech: Ethan Klein
    Fashion Coordinator: Kelly Govekar
    Interns: Alana Peters, Connor Krill, Brandon Sanichar, Nova Bajamonti, Josephine Viemeister and Caitlin Corrigan. 

    Hair by Kyle Malone for L'Oreal / Makeup by Beau Derrick for Dior both at Next Artists

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    mixtape_waxahatchee.jpg

    Grooming: Lavonne Anthony for Dior at Next Artists / Hair: Kyle Malone for L'Oreal at Next Artists

    It was a wicked case of writer's block that got Katie Crutchfield, aka Waxahatchee, started on her solo career. After cutting her teeth in the Alabama punk outfit P. S. Eliot with her twin sister Allison, Crutchfield became a typical Brooklyn musician -- couch surfing, working in a coffee shop, too distracted to finish a song. "I was frustrated. So I called my boss one day, quit, and just got in my car and drove the 15 hours to Alabama." When she finally got to her parents' house on Waxahatchee Creek -- from which she borrowed her band name -- she finished the song. She wrote four more in the next two days, and by the end of the week had the collection of 11 cathartic songs that would become her first solo album, 2011's sparse, lo-fi American Weekend.

    Waxahatchee's mournful twang and weary creak evoke early Cat Power. "When I was writing the album, I remember thinking, 'I just really need to be as completely honest and raw as I can be.'" Though "honest and raw" could be the insignia on the crest of every singer-songwriter, the beauty of Crutchfield's music is in her subject matter. Be it the aftermath of the breakup that inspired her first album, or the childhood struggles that are evident on this year's impeccably crafted Cerulean Salt, it's easy to wallow with her. "Everyone is going to think I had a really fucked up childhood!" Crutchfield says of the revealing material on songs like the emotionally gutting "Peace and Quiet," in which she howls, "Blame my hardworking father / For harm you cannot atone." But her lyrics, she says, are mostly about having to grow up: "I had a really lovely childhood for the most part. It's more about nostalgia and how people grow and things change. It's looking back on time and thinking, 'Oh that's over and that's never going to happen again.'"

    MORE FROM OUR SUMMER MIXTAPE

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    NYC rapper Action Bronson performed his song "Strictly 4 My Jeeps" inside a British old folks home and it went...sort of exactly as you might expect. But we recommend watching the video anyway because it is highly entertaining (pun sort of intended?). [Noisey via Hyper Vocal]



    Alright stop, collaborate and listen...Max Greenfield is back with a brand new invention? Uh, okay, the New Girl actor and comedian Paul Scheer recreate an interview Vanilla Ice did on the Arsenio Hall Show. Greenfield and Scheer play Vanilla and Arsenio, respectively. It's kind of magical. [via Vulture]

    tumblr_mqscpgScpt1qzmowao1_1280.jpgCan't touch this. [via F Yeah Dementia]

    tumblr_mqrdyovmoZ1qzft56o1_500.jpg
    Well, our dog smells like Christopher Walken. [via The Clearly Dope]



    Here's a charming (if a tad screechy) duet between a trumpet player and a donkey. [via F Yeah Dementia]

    tumblr_m59gn9YEfM1rti5ejo1_500.jpgTerrible, terrible things. [via Coin Farts]

    tumblr_mqqx4sxYhp1qe0wclo1_500.jpgTSA said we had to drink up or throw our Coke away so we spent $25 and checked it instead. We just weren't ready to finish it yet. [via The Clearly Dope]

    tumblr_mqf3lskDop1r72g1vo1_400.jpgA terrifying tornado filled with licks, lobster costumes and lots of wagging tails. [via Afternoon Snooze Button]

    tumblr_mqi92zhwwT1qanm80o1_400.gifThursday is officially brought to you by this twirling flamingo. [via I'm With Kanye]


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    Turns out the video for our favorite new feminist jam -- forward-thinking pop group HEARTSREVOLUTION's song "$EX" -- was made all the way back in 2009, but had to be kept under wraps until this very moment. Thankfully the video is having its long-overdue debut here on PAPERMAG. If you experience a little bit of déjà vu while watching it, that's probably because Vanessa Hudgens and Y-LA sampled the track and made their own '90s-tinged, Spring Breakers-esque video called...wait for it..."$$$EX." While the Hudgens' version explores a tripped-out club scene, HEARTSREV told us that the original version "is about the daily objectification of women and girls and that moment of taking your power back. When the girls in the video stand up for themselves they are given Lo's signature neon pink eye mask." Accordingly, the video finds JD Samson, French actress Joséphine de La Baume, model/DJ Harley Viera-Newton and a slew of other women -- and tweens -- sticking it to men that don't respect them and having lots of flirty, face-licking fun. Watch above and wear your neon pink eye mask with pride.


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    nkubota_0925 - LR.jpgMuseum -- the world's smallest museum located in Tribeca in a freight elevator car -- has a new collection of crazy bills, coins, and other currency coming their way. As part of their "Show & Tell" guest lecture series, they've invited Harley Spiller, a.k.a. the Inspector Collector, to present his bizarre, mutilated and counterfeit money this Sunday, August 4th at 4pm. Museum specializes in strange little collections that have a big impact (they even had some of PAPER editor Kim Hastreiter's father's personal artifacts on display) and the Inspector is a collecting fanatic so we'll be looking forward to seeing his strange moolah and hearing the stories behind every warped dollar. Images from the exhibit, below.

    Museum is located at Cortlandt Alley between Franklin & White Streets, NY 10003
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    In 1980, Jimmy Carter was president and CBS had a show called Country People, whose premise was "visiting with country music personalities...at work and at play." For the show's first episode, its very dapper host, the late television personality/California cultural anthropologist Huell Howser, paid a visit to Dolly Parton. Interestingly, he didn't head down to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, but instead visited a "Dollywood in the sky" -- Parton's one-time NYC penthouse where she lived while filming the early-'80s classic, Nine to Five. And if you're hoping to glimpse teal floral wallpaper or hot pink pillows, you'll be disappointed -- Parton's abode was pretty understated. All beige and glass (with the exception of a floral wallpapered bedroom), the pad reminds us of the kind of fancy pied à terre some wealthy Scarsdale banker might own in the '80s rather than a woman who once said, "People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don't know, I'm never there." That aside, the clip is one fascinating time capsule and is also worth watching to see Parton and Huell flirt a little.

    [via Gothamist]
















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